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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I need to talk about something that happened last night

158 replies

badnightlastnight · 11/09/2011 15:32

namechanger here. I just need some advice & this put in perspective.

Went to a wedding yesterday - my second eve out in a year (am an LP) - got chatting to a nice guy & one thing lead to another (don't judge me please / that's not what im asking about) - carried on with nice evening then before I was going to go went to say goodbye & he tried it on again. I said no, I suppose I got persuaded. Then after a min or 2 I said no repeatedly, explained I didn't want a nice evening spoilt, had to go etc. He ignored me. He was a big strong guy and kept going.

I'm confused. I obviously know it's wrong what he did - I'm wondering why I didn't shout out - I think I thought that it was a bit pointless and he'd just keep going so I resigned myself to it. Afterwards I was even nice to him - he walked me to my taxi etc.

I just need some perspective. I don't want to say it, because i know I got myself into the situation so it's my fault but that is sort of rape isn't it? I feel a bit weird about it today. I'm annoyed I didn't make a massive fuss. Annoyed I just let him do it.

I really don't know what to think. I just needed to talk about it. I suppose I'm not asking a question really. Just, well, was it my fault? Did I lead him on? Why was I nice after? Lots of things are going through my head and I feel really really confused.

OP posts:
glastocat · 11/09/2011 17:41

This is not your fault. Please believe that.

Original poster
badnightlastnight · 11/09/2011 17:46

I rang the police. they're sending an officer round to talk to me.

Thanks for all your help. I feel really sick. I can't believe this has happened to me.

Thank you again. I appreciate it so much.

OP posts:
deemented · 11/09/2011 17:48

I hope you're as ok as you can be, badnight

Thinking of you x

piratecat · 11/09/2011 17:49

thinking of you too, you have done a brave thing. so sorry this has happened to you.x

garlicnutter · 11/09/2011 17:53

Oh, good, I'm glad a copper's coming to see you and your friend as well. You're doing absolutely the best things for yourself. Well done!

That man is an arse. He reckons it's okay to take what he wants by force, even when what he wants is to violate another person's body. You weren't to know he was that horrible, until he made it all too clear :(

You didn't cause it, he did.
Do take care.

FabbyChic · 11/09/2011 18:08

Hey there take it slowly and try to stay calm, you were in no way to blame, you said no he forced you.

However you wish this to go is your choice but you do need support right now.

AnyFucker · 11/09/2011 18:35

Hi there

I am sorry this happened to you

I echo all the previous posters

This happened to me, but I continued to date mine of all ridiculous situations. I tried to convince myself it wasn't true, and by "normalising" things, I could nearly convince myself

I absolutely understand why you were "nice" to him afterwards. Because then he couldn't be a rapist could he ? But he was, and he is.

Take care x

AnnieLobeseder · 11/09/2011 18:49

Well done for phoning the police, badnight. Sadly, it was rape, and ignoring it won't make it go away. I hope you get the help and support you need.

Sadly the chances are he won't be convicted, but hopefully, the cops banging down his door will be a huge wake-up call to him that there are consequences to his actions, and he is a rapist, not some sex god the girls can't say 'no' to.

Original poster
badnightlastnight · 11/09/2011 20:17

Off for swabs and things. My mum is looking after my DD. Thank you so much for your help Mumsnet.

OP posts:
MangoMonster · 11/09/2011 20:22

Good luck. Please don't take this the wrong way, I am not belittlely what you have been through, but please dont let this moron get you down. His fault, his problem, you sound very strong and I hope you'll be able to get past this. Tbh, I had a similar experience but didn't want to share it earlier. You'll be okay, just hang in there and focus on the good things like your dc.

MangoMonster · 11/09/2011 20:24

Should have said "belittling". Stupid phone.

deemented · 11/09/2011 20:25

You are being incredibly brave, badnight. I admire your strength. Take care x

Tigerstripes · 11/09/2011 21:19

So sorry this happened to you. Hope talking to the police helps you process what happened and you accept that this wasn't your fault. You've already done the right thing by asking for support from lots of different sources. x

DragonsEx · 11/09/2011 23:02

:( x

Pakdooik · 11/09/2011 23:06

bad So sorry this happened to you. Take care and be strong.

deemented · 12/09/2011 07:13

Hope you managed to get a decent nights rest. Thinking of you still.

Original poster
badnightlastnight · 12/09/2011 09:34

Morning. Am exhausted but did get some sleep. Rather annoyingly it's my first day at uni today and my DD's first day at nursery so I have got to get on with that.

The police were great. I haven't decided what I'm going to do about it but they put no pressure on me.

The man who did it keeps texting me asking how I am, did I have a good eve, etcetc. I want to reply. But I know why I think. I want to make things normal - if I talk to him and he "likes" me then it makes it into a normal evening - not an evening that I was raped.

I won't contact him. I'm just working through things in my head at the moment. I feel odd that I want to "normalise" this whole thing. But then as AF said I guess that's what people do and how people deal with it.

OP posts:
TheOriginalFAB · 12/09/2011 09:44

Good luck with uni and nursery today.

I think that he is texting you because he also wants to normalise things and wants to see how you are in terms of are you talking to him, etc.

You must only do what you can deal with and take good care of yourself.

piratecat · 12/09/2011 09:49

good morning.

yes he's trying to normalise it. I honestly think altho it would be difficult, that you should block him on your phone, because he will manipulate this.

You have been so strong, and brave, and my god what a big day you have today. PLease block his number, or change yours.

AnyFucker · 12/09/2011 10:12

Love, you must not reply to his texts

He is testing the water, and is possibly shitting himself at what he did

Do not enter into any discussions with him. If a case of rape is take forward, rightly or wrongly, being in friendly contact with him afterwards will work against you, and for him

Ignore him...you should be doing that whatever happens, tbh

if the texts escalate to anyhting worrying, keep them for possible future evidence

ledkr · 12/09/2011 10:13

Good luck today. i
I was raped within a relationship and it was about 10 yrs later i realised it,very confusing.
None of this is your faultr op,its all his. xxx

larrygrylls · 12/09/2011 10:33

Why not just text him back:

"a bit better this morning after reporting your rape to the police" and then ignore him. He will at least shit himself.

TheOriginalFAB · 12/09/2011 11:04

Please do not text him.

AF is right, it will go against you in court and larrygrylls advice is frankly dangerous.

ledkr · 12/09/2011 11:06

No do not text him,no further contact,it will be used against you should you choose to go to court.

AnyFucker · 12/09/2011 11:08

Yes, FAB, I wouldn't be winding a man like this up

He has shown himself to be capable of rape

What more is he capable of, if he feels pushed into a corner ?

I am not trying to frighten you, OP, but you really shouldn't reply to him

Stay away from him, and if he approaches you physically, or frightens you in any way report him to the police

What he says/does/thinks is irrelevant now. Let the police handle it now.

If a prosecution is taken forward, any contact now will prejudice it. if a prosecution isn't taken forward, you still don't want ever to interact with him again.