I need to talk about something that happened last night

[badnightlastnight]

namechanger here. I just need some advice & this put in perspective.

Went to a wedding yesterday - my second eve out in a year (am an LP) - got chatting to a nice guy & one thing lead to another (don't judge me please / that's not what im asking about) - carried on with nice evening then before I was going to go went to say goodbye & he tried it on again. I said no, I suppose I got persuaded. Then after a min or 2 I said no repeatedly, explained I didn't want a nice evening spoilt, had to go etc. He ignored me. He was a big strong guy and kept going.

I'm confused. I obviously know it's wrong what he did - I'm wondering why I didn't shout out - I think I thought that it was a bit pointless and he'd just keep going so I resigned myself to it. Afterwards I was even nice to him - he walked me to my taxi etc.

I just need some perspective. I don't want to say it, because i know I got myself into the situation so it's my fault but that is sort of rape isn't it? I feel a bit weird about it today. I'm annoyed I didn't make a massive fuss. Annoyed I just let him do it.

I really don't know what to think. I just needed to talk about it. I suppose I'm not asking a question really. Just, well, was it my fault? Did I lead him on? Why was I nice after? Lots of things are going through my head and I feel really really confused.

I know, we're all a bit vulnerable :) Have PMd you, AF, rather than plug away at a small point here.

Badnight, it may encourage you to know that the way you're dealing with this (ie, properly) is VERY likely to leave you unscathed by comparison!

It is important to talk, so please don't be scared of writing your thoughts down on your thread if it helps.

I'm so sorry you are going through this. You are so brave to have reported it, and I think it will really help your recovery in the long run. I was raped as a teenager and I never told anyone -- I blocked it out and tried to pretend it didn't happen. Of course, this didn't work too well and I ended up with some serious mental health issues for many years. So while it may be hard to go through the process, it is probably the best thing to do.

I also just wanted to reassure you that things won't always be like this -- time is a great healer. Life will return to normal and there will come a time when you never even think about it at all.

Also, there are many different ways to cope with and think about this. What works for one person may not work for another. So don't lose hope if you find yourself struggling, you will find your own path out of this.

Lean on your friends! You are not boring anyone, god no. This is what friends are for. You can always make it up to them later but don't worry about leaning on them.

Keep talking to us if it helps. We're all sending you loads of hugs, hang in there, you are doing so well so far.

I also think it's appalling the crisis line is only open a few hours a day! That deserves an MN campaign.

In the States we have something called RAINN which is an amazing organisation. They have 24 hour hotlines, which would probably be quite expensive to call, but you can also use their online counseling services:

ohl.rainn.org/online/

Basically you can chat with a rape crisis counselor online. It should still work if you are in the UK and they don't ask you where you are located.

Thanks for the link DB.

I feel ok as I said. The doctor was great - she wants me to go again next week to have a chat then is going to arrange so I can have all the STD and pregnancy tests done there by her. This means I dont have to go to the GUM clinic or anything so that's really nice of her.

Pregnancy is a big worry - zero protection used - I got the MAP Sunday lunch. Am trying not to think about it for a few weeks as there's nothing I can do about it anymore tbh. Trying not to think is quite a difficult thing though!

Sorry if I've upset anyone with all this. To be honest I'm shocked as to how many people have experienced the same sort of thing at some point in their lives. It's nice to know my feelings are ok, I'm not odd or anything though.

I have been through most feelings today I think. Denial, ignoring it, pretending it didn't happen, anger, feeling sorry for myself, upset, numbness. I guess I'll probably do a full cycle tomorrow again.

I keep thinking if I didn't report it I could've text him back, he would've liked me and everything would be ok. But I am (rightly) telling myself that everything wouldn't have been ok. I would've always thought about it and he would think it's ok to behave the way he did. It's hard for me to understand why I'd want to have a normal relationship with him, but then I suppose if I'd had a normal relationship I would mean I wouldn't have to live with the fact that I've been raped.

The way I'm feeling at the moment I will get the police to persue it, investigate etc. I have nothing to lose. I don't care if people don't believe me. He needs to know he can't do what he wants. He needs to know that I meant no. I'll probably change my mind tomorrow, but right now that's what I think.

I'm thinking of showing my mum this thread. She doesnt know any details at all apart from he'd be charged with rape. No ins and outs or anything. I don't know whether it'd be too hard for her to read. I'd find it embarrassing too. But I think she does want to know a bit about it. Not sure. Silly how much I'm worrying about other people.

Good for you x

Don't worry about upsetting people. It is only because some of us have been there and not handled it as well as you are. I know that cycle...expect it. Embrace it even, it will eventually cycle itself out until another "trigger" pops up.

Has he been texting today ?

No he hasn't. Only a few times yesterday/Sunday. I've kept them all but ignored them.

It'll be nice when I can spend a few minutes not thinking about it. I think I'm confused. Because I liked him, had a really great evening, he was funny, we clicked. It was my first time of being like that with anyone for years since I met my DD's (horrible) father. So my brain remembers all that stuff and it clashes so much with the other thoughts of what he did. It's very confusing to feel those two different sets of emotions at the same time.

yes, it must be very confusing and horrible

FWIW, my date-rapist was a well-liked, funny and very good looking man. he was still nice when I tried to talk to him about it. Just completely detached from what he had done.

He wouldn't identify himself as someone capable of sexual assault. But he was, and for all I know, still is.

Badnight, just wanted to add that I am also thinking of you. Also been there myself, had slept with person previously so was very confused, I also froze and stayed quiet. What I like to remember is that my now DH would never dream of doing this to someone because he is a nice normal man. There would be no ambiguity. It reminds me that the person who did it was wrong and knew it was wrong but didn't care.

Sadly, you probably aren't the first person he has done this to. I don't really believe that these people think what they do is not a problem. I think they just go into denial afterwards and try to convince everyone else of their view of events as it is so intolerable to them (on some level) to realise what a complete shit they are. The repeated texts are also a huge indicator of guilt as most normal people would've text once or twice and then left it if no reply.

You have just been so incredibly unlucky to have met such a terrible person. It's just pure bad luck and if it hadn't happened to you, sadly, I think it would have been someone else. It can make you feel very sad that you are the one who now has to deal with all this crap. Counselling is really helpful for re-establishing your sense of self, understanding how you survived and giving the residual feelings of awfulness back to the perpetrator - because they belong with him not you.

Sorry for the waffle. i don't get a chance to come on here v often but your actions have been so brave and strong, i didn't have an ounce of the wherewithal you have had. Time really does heal and because of good counselling I rarely think about it now.

Take care x

bloody awful. you think you met someone nice, you were out at a do and you rarely go out, i know exactly the kind of positive feelings you get when you are at home alone so much. A kind of 'hey i'm me, i'm out feeling'

then this. you are a very brave and worthwhile person, do not forget it. he's a dirty little shit, who should get what he deserves.

emotive subject, sorry.

hold onto that feeling that you have tonight, we are all here for you.x

good post luzluz.

Sorry, just to add that maybe your brain is trying to understand why someone who was so nice and accepting of you, could then do something so hateful towards you when you'd never been anything else but nice to them. I like to remember that the events said nothing at all about me and the sort of person I am and everything about him and the sort of person he is.

Also a probation officer once told me that sex offenders are generally very charming in real life as they use charm to build trust/gain access/proximity to the people they target. It all seems very random and so unlucky to come across someone like this.

Morning. Thanks for the posts.

I slept from about 8 last night, I really hope this massive tired feeling goes soon. I keep falling asleep putting my DD to bed so nothing is getting done at home. My house is turning into a wreck.

I'm not feeling quite as positive as yesterday but I'm ok. Still got that familiar feeling of if only it hadn't happened because I liked him and had a nice eve. But I'm guessing I'll live with that feeling for a while. Life's bloody unfair sometimes, but then I know it is for a lot of people.

I'm functioning fine on the outside but my head is a huge, complicated mess. I guess I'm functioning because of my almost 1yo DD. I said to the Drs yest that I'm worried if I don't cope people will take her off me. That's my ultimate fear. Her dad is an idiot (that's a whole other thread) & sees her once a fortnight at a contact centre for 1 1/2hr. My big fear is if I struggle people will think I'm not a good mum & take her off me.

Good to hear you slept, badnight. You will feel incredibly tired for a little while, and you do need to sleep. Shock takes a big toll on your body, and your tiredness means it's already seeking to recuperate. The sleep gives your brain time to readjust things - it's all good, healthy recovery.

Nobody's going to take DD off you! Being knackered and distracted for a while does not constitute child abuse. Did your GP suggest any counselling? As others have said, it is really helpful to have a 'grown up' to dump your stuff on. You know, talking helps you figure things out and that's what counsellors are for. Counselling resources might also be found via victim support, I think. Or you can try the Samaritans - they don't counsel as such, but are brilliant listeners.

And have treats! Keep being lovely to yourself as well as DD. You are doing all the right things, badnight, just nurture yourself through this.

My opinion on showing your thread to your mum - yes, I imagine she will find it distressing, but it documents your feelings over the past few days and I think she will find that helpful -it's a way to start an honest conversation, without your having to find the words iyswim.

More kind thoughts for you. x

Btw - Vitamin B Complex supports the nervous system :)

So sad to read this thread. Thoughts are with all women who've been through this.

What you did is inspiring to other women. Your DD will be very proud of you when she's old enough to understand.

Well done.

You might find this video interesting:

www.stv.tv/weather/155080-rape-victim-calls-for-women-to-speak-out/

Glad you got a good sleep! It is so normal to be on a roller coaster right now -- don't fight it really, it will gradually get better. Maybe it's a bit like labour? You have the contractions, but you also have the space between the contractions to catch your breath and rest for the next one.

Garlic is right, you should really treat yourself as well. I think there can be something healing in pampering yourself a bit.

I also think you should not worry too much about losing your DD, especially as you have reported what happened so there is proof. But if it reassures you, maybe you can come up with a Plan B? For example, your mom can take her for a night or whatever if you find that you really cannot cope for a bit. You may not ever have to do that, but just to know that you could if you had to, might help.

And yes, Vitamin B is good. so is magnesium, for anxiety, if you take it right before bed it will help you sleep too.

I think you are very brave and I really admire you for going to the police. Your daughter will be very proud of you.
I once went home with a man who I thought was a friend (uni mate) whom I have previously shared a bed with platonically. We were both drunk. i sort of consented but changed my mind when it transpired that he didn't have a condom. He carried on anyway, he was much bigger than me. To be frank I didn't really fight him off, but I was crying, so he must have known.
It took me years to acknowledge that this was rape. I am so depressed to hear how often this happens.
Wishing you all the best, you are going to feel much better very soon.
x

No one's really talking to me about it all in RL so thank you all so much.

People keep saying things like "makes you appreciate the good things" and "it's out of your control so don't worry about it" or nothing at all. I think people r scared of asking me about it, scared of talking about it.

It makes me feel quite angry and alone. Also when people keep saying to me positive things and that no one has an uncomplicated life it makes me so cross. Just this once I'm allowed to think how unfair this is and recognise how awful it is. I know people don't know what to say to me so are struggling to say what they think is helpful but it makes me so so angry and hurt makes me feel like an outsider and that I'm making a fuss for no reason.

Sorry to rant. I hope you're all having nice evenings. Sometimes I hate living on my own. I just want to feel secure and safe. I wonder what I've got myself into a bit. Being a single mum is so hard at times.

Apologies. That was just a massive moan. I know people are going through the same things if not worse than me. I don't want to be hugely self-indulgent.

Is there any support available through the police or perhaps a counsellor through your GP? You could also ring Victim Support on 0845 30 30 900.

I'm sorry people are being pretty clumsy and awkward with you.

Some people find it impossible to accept that you are upset. The 'move on now' approach is very common, when what you want to do is talk about it and have your trauma and fears recognised. That is probably part of it, as it is particularly difficult to have people say that when its rape, with all the connotations of 'like rape/date rape/not too bad/etc' that it can carry.

People in RL can just be crap when faced with something they find difficult. Its not you, you are not making a fuss, you would like your feelings accepted. All I can suggest is that you seek out those in RL who actually do 'get it', there will be some I hope.

Agree with Helen. Don't feel bad abou wanting to talk about it. You need to and it's not always possible to share it with rl people.

Keep talking away here

We get it

some wedding pictures came up on my facebook today. i went completely cold and thought i was going to be sick.

thanks AF. i do know why people arent willing to talk about it, its just frustrating.

im meeting a policewoman tomorrow. i am going to press charges or whatever the term is. it will make me feel better doing something about it.

on friday im meeting a woman from the local rape charity type place. ive had a lot of counselling lately for other issues, am sick of it to be honest, i want to have a normal life. i do accept that i need to talk to people though, so i will have some counselling for a while.

my uni course starts properly monday - just reading etc this week. leaving my 1yo DD at nursery FT to do it. all seems a bit pointless now. i dont know how im going to cope with the workload. i wish i could just stay at home with my DD.