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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh can't/won't have sex with me anymore

209 replies

Geordieminx · 31/08/2011 21:15

i have written about this a couple of times before under a name change (patient partner) but I'm not in the mood fir changing tonight (bottle glass of wine has made me brave)

We have had issues for a while, he is considerably older than me, and struggles not only to get an errection, but also to even want sex. I guess it's a chicken and egg situation.

We have talked and rowed about it so many times, but last week, spurred on by other things I brought it up again. Many tears (mine) later, he agreed that he would make an appointment atvthe doctors and try and see if he could get some help.

Fast forward a week later and he hasn't.

Something daft earlier prompted me to snap, ask him if he had spoken to the doctor and a huge row ensues. He now won't speak to me, isn't interested in discussing it and has been in the spare room all night.

He has 0 sex drive, and cannot maintain am erection. He hasn't made any effort to try and resolve this, despite me trying to support and help him. He doesn't make me feel in any way wanted or attractive. I'm 29 and feel like my life ahead is going to be a celebate one. He doesnt (understandably) want me to have sex with anyone else, tempted though I have been. We have a 4 year old son, I am desperate to makevthibgs work for him, but I am at a loss.

Apologies for the ramble, I dont suppose anyone can fix this, or even offer any advice, I just needed to get it off my chest as I am so desperately sad

OP posts:
GloriaVanderbilt · 31/08/2011 21:18

Sad for you

not sure what advice I can come up with but I couldn't read and run.

FWIW i think I would be going mad in the same situation.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 31/08/2011 21:20

Thank you.

Ds is at Granny's this week, best friend is working, just feel so very sad and alone

OP posts:
HereBeBolloX · 31/08/2011 21:22

How old is he?

ameliagrey · 31/08/2011 21:26

How old is he?

Maybe a gentler approach would be that inability to have erections can be a sign of heart disease and other serious medical iisues- it takes away the stigma of it being all about sex and performance. He needs a Well Man check up- for all kinds of reasons.

I am sure you can understand how difficult it must be for a bloke to a) cope with t he issue and b) talk to another person about it. Men won't go to the drs for anything- let alone ED.

Not being a man, I don't understand but from what I gather men's whole sense of being is tied in with their sex drive and erections. I think woman can underestimate the devastating effect this condition can have on men.

I wouldn't say this to him, but in your head, I'd suggest you give him a time limit to seek help. Maybe a month is reasonable.

Calmly tell him that you are not going to mention it any more- but that if he cares for you and your marriage, then you expect him to seek help sooner rather than later.

Then back off. Don't initiate sex, don't pester him, don't mention it at all for a month.

Ultimately, you may have to choose whether to stay with him. If it's something that can be fixed- with Viagra maybe, or therapy, or even weight loss and exercise ( arteries get blocked everywhere with an unhealthy lifestyle- including too much drink) and if it's not OR he is not willing to try to fic it, then you may have to separate.

Not doing anything is very selfish of him, and he cannot expect a very young woman like you to be celibate for 50 years!

SingingTunelessly · 31/08/2011 21:29

You have a 4yo so presumably this hasn't always been a problem? He needs to make a doctor's appointment even if just to ensure it isn't blood pressure problem, etc. Sorry I don't know what to say. It must be so difficult if he isn't prepared to even talk about it. Sad

MrsHicks · 31/08/2011 21:33

I believe that marriage is a sexual contract. I don't mean that you have a duty to have sex with the other person every time they demand it, but I do think that when you marry someone you promise to be their sexual partner and that includes taking responsibility problems that prevent you from doing it. It's not good enough to expect the other person to be asexual or to fix it. He's not doing that. I would be issuing some firm ultimatums at this point. He is probably embarrassed to seek help, but it is vital he does. My marriage eventually broke up over this - not erectile problems, but lack of sex from him for 2 years and him not doing anything about it.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 31/08/2011 21:35

He's 46.

Thank you for your kind words, it's appreciated.

It's been a problem for a good few years, conceiving ds was more luck than anything else Sad

I have tried so hard to be kind and patient but his total lack of consideration for me abs our marriage just makes me so angry and sad. It's gone on for so long, he's just not fucking bothered.

Sorry

OP posts:
LesserOfTwoWeevils · 31/08/2011 21:40

Do you really think he isn't bothered? Or that he's so bothered he can't deal with it or talk to a doctor about it?
46 isn't very old, by the way!

Original poster
Geordieminx · 31/08/2011 21:45

I actually think he wouldn't be bothered if he never had sex again.

It's tricky, I don't know whether the lack of sex drive is because of the erection problems or vice versa, it's all just such a big mess.

He often says he's too old, and that men his age aren't having sex 3 times a night, but I don't even want that, a few tines a month would be great

OP posts:
ameliagrey · 31/08/2011 21:46

You sound really down.

How long is it since you had sex?

It is not unusual for a guy his age to have problems with ED- 40% of men over 40 do- BUT that doesn't mean they have no sex drive and can't manage it at all- though some will be like your DH.

On the other hand, age itself is not an indication- my DH is 56 and would want it and be able to at least 2x a day Smile Pity I don't feel the same.

I just think you have to give him a time limit- as I said above.

if he won't meet you half way and own the problem, then you may have no choice but to end your marriage.

Does he realise that do you think?

AnyFucker · 31/08/2011 21:50

46 is way too young to be making excuses on age grounds for not having sex with your partner

Original poster
Geordieminx · 31/08/2011 21:52

I once suggested that I could find sex else where, and we could carry on as normal but he said that wasnt an option (wasn't a surprise) but I hoped that it might shock him. He just said that if that was how I felt then we should call it a day there and then.

We haven't had proper sex for months and months. Couldn't tell you when. Occasionally he'll help me masturbate but, well it's not the same is it? And it just highlights the problems

OP posts:
Original poster
Geordieminx · 31/08/2011 21:53

AF, I know, the way he talks you'd think he was 85.

You have helped me a lot on past threads about this

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/08/2011 21:54

I remember them, GM

Am Sad to see things are no better

Not too surprised though...

AnyFucker · 31/08/2011 21:56

He is making the same excuses and still not actually doing anything about it

The big strop is to deflect you yet again

Original poster
Geordieminx · 31/08/2011 21:56

No, I'm not either.

It's like a huge elephant in the corner of the room that neither of us tall about

OP posts:
Hassled · 31/08/2011 21:57

46 is not old in this context.
Do you know if he is physically able to have an erection - I mean does he wake with an erection in the morning? Not that knowing whether its a physical or psychological problem will help you necessarily - but when you get to the point he's able to discuss it with you, knowing that will be a good starting point.

I think ameliagrey's advice is spot on.

AnyFucker · 31/08/2011 21:59

You see, GM cannot threaten to end her marriage if he doesn't seek help

He has snaffled that one by effectively making her put up or shut the fuck up

Not fair

carernotasaint · 31/08/2011 22:04

Hi I have been in a completely sexless marriage for 15 years.It is soul destroying. My husband has had heart disease for five years but for ten years before that just didnt want or need sex. I remember coming home from a bad day at work in 2003 and i had to beg yes beg for a hug. I ended up having an affair which lasted for 4 and a half years. I remember my husband calling me a bitch under his breath when he first found out about the affair. To this day he still thinks the affair only lasted three months. Please dont wait till it gets to this stage hun. my OH stopped all affections with me when he was 46 and i was 23. He is now 61 and i am 38 and i am hoping to see a counsellor soon cos i just feel like screaming. Please seek some help for yourself at the least. Good luck.

ameliagrey · 31/08/2011 22:12

GM- I don't have this issue in my marriage but I did have this issue with a former long term boyfriend. he had issues and blamed work load, guilt ( we were not married), fear of pregnancy- etc etc.

We were together for 5 years and it was platonic for 4.5 of those years.

At one stage I found a lover.

We did have an agreement that I could look elsewhere.

In the end though, I had to admit defeat. We split.

What I do know though is that every time I exploded, screamed, stormed out of the house etc, it made it 100 times worse, and we slipped back a few rungs on the ladder.

His "advice" to me , was to back off, if he was to have any chance of overcoming it.

I still to this day don't know what "it" was.

It was psychological, not physical IMO.

So- not been in your shoes exactly, but similar.

Back off. Mental ultimatum, And you do have the choice to go.

No one can take that chocie /option away from you.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 31/08/2011 22:15

He knows that I won't end the marriage over this, which is why he played that card.

We live hundreds of miles away from any family, have a mortgage the size of a third world debt (although a good income) and a "nice" life. My future as a single parent would be bleak.

Carer, thanks for posting, I think if things don't get sorted soon then I will be you in 15 years time.

Tis difficult, I work in a very male dominated environment, and get my fair share of attention (innocent banter and not so), I find myself looking forward to going to work, because people actually think I'm funny and clever and attractive. That sounds so shallow doesn't it? Sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 31/08/2011 22:16

Not shallow at all

Hassled · 31/08/2011 22:19

No that's not shallow - that's just being human. We all need that validation.

Would showing him this thread be remotely helpful?

Sofabitch · 31/08/2011 22:19

I'd recommend a book called the sex starved wife. It would really help you understand.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 31/08/2011 22:23

Would prefer not to show him this thread, it's my place, not his IYKWIM?

No strings sex has been offered, and on nights like tonight it's getting harder and harder(no pun intended Wink) to think of a reason to say no.

Ashamed

OP posts:
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