Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh can't/won't have sex with me anymore

209 replies

Geordieminx · 31/08/2011 21:15

i have written about this a couple of times before under a name change (patient partner) but I'm not in the mood fir changing tonight (bottle glass of wine has made me brave)

We have had issues for a while, he is considerably older than me, and struggles not only to get an errection, but also to even want sex. I guess it's a chicken and egg situation.

We have talked and rowed about it so many times, but last week, spurred on by other things I brought it up again. Many tears (mine) later, he agreed that he would make an appointment atvthe doctors and try and see if he could get some help.

Fast forward a week later and he hasn't.

Something daft earlier prompted me to snap, ask him if he had spoken to the doctor and a huge row ensues. He now won't speak to me, isn't interested in discussing it and has been in the spare room all night.

He has 0 sex drive, and cannot maintain am erection. He hasn't made any effort to try and resolve this, despite me trying to support and help him. He doesn't make me feel in any way wanted or attractive. I'm 29 and feel like my life ahead is going to be a celebate one. He doesnt (understandably) want me to have sex with anyone else, tempted though I have been. We have a 4 year old son, I am desperate to makevthibgs work for him, but I am at a loss.

Apologies for the ramble, I dont suppose anyone can fix this, or even offer any advice, I just needed to get it off my chest as I am so desperately sad

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 01/09/2011 20:45

you still downplay a woman's entitlement to good sex, HH

why is that ?

Original poster
Geordieminx · 01/09/2011 20:58

((((wonders if I am married to HH)))) Wink

OP posts:
MinimallyNarkyPuffin · 01/09/2011 21:03

It is possible, as he seems to lack the desire as well as an erection, that he's suffering from low testosterone levels. If he is, it is easily treatable. If he wants the help...

AliGrylls · 01/09/2011 21:05

I hope this is not going to sound like the ministry of the bleeding obvious - but by your own admission you don't even cuddle when you go to bed at night and he doesn't come to bed until 1:30/2. He is now trying to avoid you because of the arguments - so I will give my advice and hope you haven't heard it a thousand times.

Have you tried working on the non-sexual part of your relationship? Like, for example, just having a cuddle with no expectation that anything will happen or giving him a kiss without expecting it to turn him on. Have a chat and go for a walk and just don't mention sex. The point is to make him feel good about himself and about your relationship.

I had a bf once who was so traumatised by a past relationship he was unable to get it up for ages. The only way round it was to just not expect anything and let him make the moves.

BawbagBiggins · 01/09/2011 21:07

Oh Geordie, I'm so sorry to see this was your post.

Nothing useful to add really, just you really are a gorgeous, confident lass and don't let him erode that.

My ex 'kept me short' for want of a better phrase for 8 long miserable years so I feel your pain, but it was totally a control thing on his part (no pun intended)

Big hugs and you know where I am if you need a night away.

(it's Nippersnappers, I changed my name yonks ago!)

HappyHubbie · 01/09/2011 21:09

AnyFucker I'm not 'downplaying' it, it's just not the issue. It's irrelevant to the question of how to help them fix the problem. Of course a woman is just as entitled to good sex as anyone, but he's not witholding it deliberately. If he was then I'd be saying 'dump him' along with you.

Saying to him 'I'm entitled to good sex and you're not giving me any, sort it out limp-dick' is hardly constructive, is it.

GM although I'm a similar age to your DH, I can guarantee that you're not married to me!

AnyFucker · 01/09/2011 21:16

HH, I thought you weren't going to engage with me, but since you have reconsidered....

You haven't read the thread properly, nor are you taking any notice of his other behaviours. I didn't minimize the ED. He is doing that all by himself. He is point-blank refusing to take any responsibility for it, nor it's effect on his joint sex life with his wife.

When she has tried any and all tactics to persuade him to address it, separately or together, he stonewalls, sulks, absents himself and punishes her by withdrawing physically and mentally

he has basically said "this is me, take it or leave it"

I think she should leave it, personally, unless he takes concrete steps to sort it out

at the moment he is actively fighting against that, leaving her no choice to put up or STFU

which is no choice at all, really, is it ?

AnyFucker · 01/09/2011 21:17

no choice but to put up or STFU

InTheArmyNow · 01/09/2011 21:37

HappyHubbie can I just add? Having ED is one thing, not offereing any intimacy to your partner is another.
Intimacy in that context is a hug, a kiss, taking your partner in your arms, being emotionally connected. Touching each other and exchanging passionated kisses.
Or do you think that sex is only about having an erection and that therefore no erection = no sex. And therefore no erection = no hugs, kisses, intimacy of any sort?

It's also about being respectful of your partner's feelings too. So that, if you know something is making that person really miserable, then you do something about it. It could be that your wife is worried that you might have sleep apnea even though you can't say you see any issue with your snoring/energy levels. but because it's keeping her awake at night, wondering when you are going to breathe again, you go and see you GP. Why has the OP's H not done that?

HappyHubbie · 01/09/2011 21:50

Anyfucker I have read the whole thread, and I'm not ignoring the other stuff, I just think they're all connected to the basic ED problem rather than being him trying to control her or whatever. He's avoiding the issue and, as I suggested in my post he's going to keep avoiding it until the OP forces the issue. He needs to be made to confront the issue, but in a supportive way. At some stage - and it's up to the OP when that stage is - if he keeps refusing then she needs to decide whether to stay or go.

InTheArmyNow You're right that lack of initmacy is a bad thing, but I'd suspect it's because he's shut off that whole part of his life to avoid confronting the ED issue. I also agree that he needs to be more respectful of the OP's feelings, but he's clearly struggling with the issue.

My comment about me not seeing snoring as a problem was a flippant one - because I'm usually asleep! Actually sometimes I wake myself up with my own snoring ... which is weird.

AnyFucker · 01/09/2011 21:52

HH

do you excuse his unacceptable behaviour towards his wife on grounds of him having erectile dysfunction ?

HereBeBolloX · 01/09/2011 21:55

"if he keeps refusing"

He has kept refusing.

How long do you suggest the OP gives him to behave like a partner in this relationship and take some responsbility for his own health and the health of their relationship?

How many years?

kangers · 01/09/2011 21:56

HH you are making me laugh- truely entertaining- 'sort it out limp dick'!!
I am married to a 44 yr old man who has same sex drive he had when he was 20.
I reckon GM's hubby has either always had problem or has a bad health issue.

GM has sex ever been regular and 'normal' with this man??

I agree with much of previous advice from amelia etc.

HappyHubbie · 01/09/2011 22:09

AF I understand his behaviour and the reasons behind it. I don't think you do.

HereBeBolloX How long? Don't know, that's up to the OP really. Once she feels she's tried everything and it hasn't worked then it's too long.

kangers I'm hoping it made you laugh in a good way .... Confused

kangers · 01/09/2011 22:16

Yes HH in a good LOL way. Guffawing way.
GM has left thread I think as no comment about original sex life- have read entie thread and not mentioned and I think its relevant. I know they have had no sex for 5 years and only been married 23 months. No sex on wedding night???

kangers · 01/09/2011 22:17

ENTIRE (weak r key)

InTheArmyNow · 01/09/2011 22:25

I'd suspect it's because he's shut off that whole part of his life to avoid confronting the ED issue

Perhaps but this a very hurtful attitude. Actually refusing emotional intimacy is just as hurtful as abuse.

Should the Op still accept it because it's ED? But she should not if it was for another reason? How starnge

kangers · 01/09/2011 22:28

Good point ITAN

AnyFucker · 01/09/2011 22:29

HH are you inside his head then ?

You cannot profess to understand someone's motives better than someone else does, when neither of you have met that person

Because that would make you a superior being...are you ?

We can disagree of course, but perhaps that isn't enough for you ?

hellymelly · 01/09/2011 22:35

Just a thought,do you have any feelings that he might be gay?

Spero · 01/09/2011 22:35

Sorry, not read very thoroughly but I was in your situation and I left. It was the only thing to do. If your partner can't or won't change you have to think about the rest of your life and what you want to do with it.

I was very struck by your comment that if you left him your life would be 'bleak'. What word would you use to describe your life now?

HappyHubbie · 01/09/2011 22:44

ITAN Yes, it should be accepted for a time while every effort is made to sort the problem. That's what commitment means, it's a two way street. Eventually it's up to the OP to decide if she can live without any intimacy, and it's clear from her posts that she can't, so she would need to leave. Hopefully it won't come to that though.

AnyFucker Of course not, but I can imagine how inadequate the OP's DH must feel for not to be able to perform. I can imagine how rejected the OP must feel. That's what I mean by understanding. Call it empathy if you prefer, but I didn't detect much of that in your earlier posts - hence the comment.

Kangers I didn't have sex on my wedding night either (the first one), wife was too tired ... Hmm In fact, apart from when we were TTC, we didn't have much sex at all. You'll not be surprised to hear that the marriage didn't last long :(

AnyFucker · 01/09/2011 22:46

I have empathy for the OP.

His entitlement to empathy ran out when he started treating his wife like shit, sadly

MysteriousHamster · 01/09/2011 22:53

OP - could he be using porn/masturbating before he comes to bed? It's just something I've read other DHs doing on similar threads, even in cases where they don't/can't have sex with their partner.

Fwiw, I think at some point you will have to leave or accept this pale version of a life :(

HappyHubbie · 01/09/2011 23:04

AnyFucker Glad I haven't misunderstood you .... :-)

Have you considered why he might be treating his wife like shit? There's always a reason

It could be (amongst other things) ...

  1. He's just not into sex
  2. He likes sex but doesn't fancy the OP (unlikely)
  3. He spends too much time wanking while she's asleep
  4. He's a horrible person
  5. He's embarrassed at his ED and wants to avoid anything which reminds him of it.
  6. Something else

While I accept that any of the above is possible I'm prepared to give the guy a chance, until proven otherwise, because assuming that it's because he's an arsehole who hates his wife and wants to punish her isn't helpful to the situation.

What's your take on it?

Swipe left for the next trending thread