Dh can't/won't have sex with me anymore

[Geordieminx]

i have written about this a couple of times before under a name change (patient partner) but I'm not in the mood fir changing tonight (bottle glass of wine has made me brave)

We have had issues for a while, he is considerably older than me, and struggles not only to get an errection, but also to even want sex. I guess it's a chicken and egg situation.

We have talked and rowed about it so many times, but last week, spurred on by other things I brought it up again. Many tears (mine) later, he agreed that he would make an appointment atvthe doctors and try and see if he could get some help.

Fast forward a week later and he hasn't.

Something daft earlier prompted me to snap, ask him if he had spoken to the doctor and a huge row ensues. He now won't speak to me, isn't interested in discussing it and has been in the spare room all night.

He has 0 sex drive, and cannot maintain am erection. He hasn't made any effort to try and resolve this, despite me trying to support and help him. He doesn't make me feel in any way wanted or attractive. I'm 29 and feel like my life ahead is going to be a celebate one. He doesnt (understandably) want me to have sex with anyone else, tempted though I have been. We have a 4 year old son, I am desperate to makevthibgs work for him, but I am at a loss.

Apologies for the ramble, I dont suppose anyone can fix this, or even offer any advice, I just needed to get it off my chest as I am so desperately sad

He's going away for the weekend though?

No no, just a meeting today and tomorrow in Manchester for work

Does he go on many work trips?

No, this is probably one of the first ever, he's been given a different job at work, so he's off to meet his new boss.

Honestly he's just not interested. Although he doesn't cone to bed until 1.30-2 Ish every night

GM I am so sorry to read this. Can I ask why you keep saying you defnitely won't leave him?

actually that last message sounds like I'm saying you should! Not necessarily saying that, but as others have said if that's how you feel, and he knows that, he holds all the power and basically you have to put up and shut up.
When you aren't arguing is he generally affectionate?

GM, would he leave you if you had an affair?

Because it's not just that he won't have sex with you and won't do anything about fixing "the problem", which he clearly doesn't see as a problem. He also thinks it's alright to punish you for complaining about it.

There is absolutely no point in leaving it now and bringing it up in a month. He's not going to change a situation he's happy with. You can either:

Accept that you will never have sex again
Leave him
Have an affair and call his bluff

Those are your options. There is no Option Four: make him see the light.

except of course leaving (and taking DS) might do exactly that. Not something uoi should gamble on though - leave if you are leaving.

I grew up in a single parent house, we had nowt, I don't want that for ds, even though I know there is nothing wrong with it, and my mum and most others do I brilliant job. The logistics of having to sell the house would be a nightmare, and because Dh is a self employed consultant (earning minimum wage in the eyes of the tax man) I would get nowt in maintainance.

I actually do love him, if we could just get past this then I think we could both be happy together, Christ we have only been married 23 months.

How do you feel when he behaves like this?

Can you see his is treating you badly? I think you can.
It's not simply- as everyone has said- his sex problem that is the issue, it's his lack of communication with you about it, and the petulant behaviour- like a child. And yes, you are indulging him because nothing for him changes when he acts like this.

The mechanics of the problem( ED and no sex drive) are his- he has to own those. But the problem is still a "couple" problem. You need to "own" your part in it.
That means being less passive.

The real issue here is the lack of communication and his defensiveness.

How would he react if you suggested - in a month's time if he has done nothing- couples counselling with a sex therapist? They couldn't fix him if it's a medical problem, but they could help him see that his behaviour is unreasonable, and you could both talk with a neutral 3rd party.

Do you think taking a lover for No Strings Sex is the answer? Things get complicated and all the evidence shows that it is very hard to 2 people to continue with no strings for long- especially when in your case it involves a husband. I don't think you want just your urges satisfied- you want a proper marriage.

It's an option though if it's what you want and can cope with the emotions of it all.

When he comes back from Manchester, could you set aside some time to have a proper chat without getting angry? tell him you still expect him to seek help- but don't mention any time limit to him- just see what he does?

Meanwhile, you really might benefit from counselling on your own to see if you can find out why you want to live with a man who treats you badly...and yet you prefer that to the concept of being on your own. You see, if you are frightened of independent life, then you really are stuck withthis, and then the question is- how do you find peace to live in a sexless marriage with a man who is selfish?

Get some professional help to discover what you want.

But why would you have nothing? You have a professional job and childcare would be not too bad, and only get easier.

GM- X posts.

I know this is really really hard for you- but you might have to re-consider your fear/dislike of being on your own.

Very few women would choose to be a single parent, when it means losing a nice home etc etc.

BUT you are in a marriage where there appears to be little love coming back from the other side.

No matter how much you love him he does not appear to love you so much.
He might- but his actions don't show that at all.

Do you really want any kind of marriage- because you see it as better than none at all?

And the fact that you have only been married 23 months makes it worse- if he is like this now, what is he going to be like 25 years down the line- maybe not about sex but other things, where he is selfish and uncommunicative?

This is not going to go away- he is now 46, you are 29. In 20 years time you will still be a young woman.

And the real point is- why on earth did you marry him if this has been going on for 5 years????

Amelia your post is very poinient

My dad left before I can remember, sporadic contact which stopes when I was 18.... I think that has a lot to do with my relationships with men... Perhaps counselling would be a good idea.

I married him because we had ds.

If you have some counselling, it may help you to open your mind a bit and face your fears.

I know that you don't want to be on your own, BUT if at the back of your mind you can accept that it is your final option ( which it isn't now the way you feel) then it will give you strength.

You don't have to end your marriage, but knowing that you could and do so with a clear conscience, from a place of strength, not fear, would make a huge difference to how you deal with this.

Good luck- gotta go now!

((((aware that last post has probably lost me any sympathy that I had before))))

A quickie- losing your dad and having him pop in and out of your life could account for a lot.

I don't want to go into psycho babble, cos not qualified, but at the outset it does seem to have left you vulnerable and insecure and- stating the bleedin' obvious!- maybe looking for a dad substitute- with a much older man who made you feel "safe"? and maybe then the lack of sex was not an issue as you got other things that meant more- like security and a family unit?

You still have my sympathy, Geordie. But I think you're in denial about this. You said 'if you could just get past this', but if by that you mean 'if he would try and fix the problem'. He's not going to. It's been going on for YEARS.

So, as I said upthread, your options are: live in a sexless marriage without complaint, leave the marriage, or have an affair - which would really only act to clarify which of the previous two options are better for you.

Amelia's posts are brilliant, incidentally.

I just wanted to add a post of hope

I had a similar situation with dh. I threatened to kick him out, packed his bags. With him, he was more aware ie he didn't like it but he decided we would be fine not doing it and was asking for more and more things I wasn't happy with (because it would take more and more extreme things to turn him on).

It took him about 5 years of pressure from me to go to the doctor and many many screaming rows before he did. and about another 5 years before that when I didn't pressure that much.

I did have sex with someone else in those 10 years but I feel no guilt about it. I was literally going insane and completely trapped with small children and a man who Couldn't accept he had a problem that he needed to address.

He has pills now and he is trying. Our marriage is now better than it ever has been but it took years of pain to get here.

I never stopped loving him, that was key I think and he always loved me. But it was extremely hard for him to admit he had a problem and do something about it.

Only difference is that dh's sex drive never went away - he just got more frustrated as time went on but not enough to do anything for years and even then he was pissed off that he had to. But now things are better he does kick himself for being such a twat that it took so long. So much so that he volunteered to do so work for an impotence charity to help men get help quicker! He can't believe he put his marriage at risk for something which the doctor dealt with sensitively and quickly!

Is there any intimacy? Cuddles, spooning in bed, romance?

I really feel for you. Counselling for you would be an option.

You could leave the sex part out of your discussions and just say that you are so concerned about the state of your relationship that u are going to have counselling and you suggest that he thinks about this too. This is about trying everything possible to improve things for each other and your son. It sounds like the sex thing is a symptom.

Good luck. Btw does he masturbate?

No to him masturbating, well occasionally if I have.

Cuddles outside of the bedroom yes, in the bedroom no intimacy... I'm on bed by 11, he comes up at 2.

It's sometimes hard to feel affectionate towards him as it feels like a waste because it's never reciprocate.?

That's because he doesn't love you GM. He wants a 'wife' to look after him, do the housework, raise his son and ask for nothing. He's either asexual or gay and supressing it: he likes the idea of being a Married Man with a DS (to prove his cock actually works) and a nice young wife (so other men will think he is a real stud - but also, a younger woman will look up to and obey him).
Unfortunately you have got an issue with desperation and neediness here which a counsellor could help you sort out. You might be able to sort out amicable co-parenting with this man, but TBH I think it unlikely as he is so very selfish. Selfish men, sadly, do not make good co-parents, they will be unreliable, mean with money and do their best to manipulate the woman into staying in the relationship, but that's not because they love the woman, it's because they want the domestic service to continue.

GM- I don't go along with all of that post from SGB- not all men are so incapable of handling the domestic side that they want a housekeeper, aka a wife.

As for not loving you- those are not words you want to hear; his behaviour is not loving, but he may feel that he loves you. We can't 2nd guess what he feels- just what his behaviour seems to say.

Does he ever say he loves you?

Question no one has asked- he married when he was early 40s and you got together when he was 41-ish?

So what's his relationship history?

Divorced? Never married?

Nothing wrong with either, per se, but in the context of your problems, might be worth thinking about.

Divorced 10 years ago, 2 grown up children, ex army

I haven't heard a word from him since last night... He is such a bloody child!