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Original poster

Dh can't/won't have sex with me anymore

209 replies

Geordieminx · 31/08/2011 21:15

i have written about this a couple of times before under a name change (patient partner) but I'm not in the mood fir changing tonight (bottle glass of wine has made me brave)

We have had issues for a while, he is considerably older than me, and struggles not only to get an errection, but also to even want sex. I guess it's a chicken and egg situation.

We have talked and rowed about it so many times, but last week, spurred on by other things I brought it up again. Many tears (mine) later, he agreed that he would make an appointment atvthe doctors and try and see if he could get some help.

Fast forward a week later and he hasn't.

Something daft earlier prompted me to snap, ask him if he had spoken to the doctor and a huge row ensues. He now won't speak to me, isn't interested in discussing it and has been in the spare room all night.

He has 0 sex drive, and cannot maintain am erection. He hasn't made any effort to try and resolve this, despite me trying to support and help him. He doesn't make me feel in any way wanted or attractive. I'm 29 and feel like my life ahead is going to be a celebate one. He doesnt (understandably) want me to have sex with anyone else, tempted though I have been. We have a 4 year old son, I am desperate to makevthibgs work for him, but I am at a loss.

Apologies for the ramble, I dont suppose anyone can fix this, or even offer any advice, I just needed to get it off my chest as I am so desperately sad

OP posts:
Original poster
Geordieminx · 02/09/2011 18:33

Have a nice weekend, and thanks again

OP posts:
Original poster
Geordieminx · 02/09/2011 18:57

Ib a brief 5 min chat we have established he isn't arsed about getting help, and that the only option is to split up. Great eh?

OP posts:
ameliagrey · 02/09/2011 19:09
Sad

But I wonder if he really means that- or if it's a cry for more attention.

he sounds like a teen TBH- all bluff and bluster, moods and threats.

I'd say underneath is a very insecure, confused bloke.

But it's not your job to be his shrink.

If he won't own his problems then do what you want.

it really annoys me that you have all of this on your plate. I am almost double your age- eek!- but when i was 29 I was single and still having fun.

You don't have to be saddled with a guy who has issues.

Hope you get through the w/e okay.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 02/09/2011 19:39

I don't know whether is truely bothered or not because he never talks about how he feels.

He's never said sorry, even for just letting me down.

He shows no emotion.

OP posts:
BustersOfDoom · 02/09/2011 20:08

You aren't quite old enough to be my daughter - nearly but not quite. But if you were I would seriously advise you to cut your losses and move on. This is no life for anyone, let alone a woman of 29. Can you really see yourself still there celebrating your Silver Wedding with a man who has consistently refused to take part in any intimacy, physical or not without regretting doing so?

You know it isn't going to get better. You know he won't seek help to try to make it better, he doesn't want to. He's made that clear, he expects you to put up and shut up and carry on with all the domestics. You have to put you and your DC first. Get out and get the life that you want. He isn't going to change.

Foxinsocks · 02/09/2011 20:15

Sorry to hear this geordie :(. How about a trial separation? I don't think it could be worse than what you are putting up with now :(

TDada · 02/09/2011 21:54

Did your H go to the front line? He is acting very screwed up. If/when this happens to me, I would have to talk about it; a bit of humor maybe. Would want to use the other tools in the box to compensate.....will want to go down fighting IYKWIM.

TDada · 02/09/2011 21:57

Humour

Original poster
Geordieminx · 03/09/2011 07:26

The only front line DH saw was the one to get into the NAFFI bar [
grin]

OP posts:
TDada · 03/09/2011 09:22

Glad to see that you have your sense of humour. I understand why you haven't left. Not easy to do as you still remember the good times? And more importantly instinct is to put the children first......but some how you have to carve out some happy times for YOU. Is your DH physically fit? Can you get him exercising? Maybe you can start running together?

Original poster
Geordieminx · 03/09/2011 11:45

He has shot knees... Maybe he did do more in the army than just drink Grin

Things are ok, we are speaking, I've left the ball on his court, I'm not sure what the future will hold, but I am seeing things in a different light now, and that I don't have to stay.

I am definitely going to look into counselling, just for me to start off with, I think it would help sort my own head out, and hopefully get rid of my dependency to always have a man on my life, as bar a few months here in and there, there has always been someone since I was 18 and I don't think that's very healthy

OP posts:
TDada · 03/09/2011 12:38

good idea. I do think that jogging (together?) could be helpful to you both?

InTheArmyNow · 03/09/2011 15:20

The best way to reduce decency is to build a life for yourself. Go and see friends on your own. Check what sort of income you could have. On your own. Most of all look for happy moments wo your H. You will see as you find more and more happy times wo him, your cobfidence will grow.

Have some counselling. It will help you recognize hurtful and unacceptable behavior to you.

th I think that someone who really love their partner would really have talked a lot more than he has. his reactions look quite PA to me ie he is reacting either as sulky child or as one who is afraid to get told of (so tries to be as nice as
post. to avoid probs)

PontyMython · 03/09/2011 15:48

Oh Geordie :(

I am amazed he had an affair! How'd that even happen?! What was his first wife like? Do you know her, are you on good enough terms to talk about this?

The lack of intimacy is pretty shocking. It's cruel. It's not his fault he has ED, but it IS his fault if you have to beg him for an innocent cuddle.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 03/09/2011 17:42

It was a good 12 years ago when he had affair. He talks the talk Hmm

Dont know his ex at all, never even met her.

OP posts:
carernotasaint · 03/09/2011 19:31

Geordie i understand what you are going through. Its so bloody unfair though. Especially when they try to make us feel guilty for even just wanting to talk about it.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 03/09/2011 19:35

he is currently making dinner, it's a small thing, but I think it's his way of trying.

Small steps.x

OP posts:
TDada · 03/09/2011 20:31

can you play some sport together? Might help in lots of ways

solidgoldbrass · 04/09/2011 08:22

Look, a lazy selfish prick like this will always make a couple of tiny little 'nice' gestures when he feels a bit threatened ie thinks his domestic service might be interrupted. It doesn't mean he actually cares or that he's prepared to put any effort into fixing the main problem.
You have been making an effort for five years and got nothing in return, now it's time to stop worrying about his feelings and his issues and devote all that care and attention to yourself.

ameliagrey · 04/09/2011 08:36

Maybe I am being cynical GM but looks to me like a distraction activity- ie cook dinner and she will be placated, so I needn't do anything about the real issue.

How much better had he come home and said "Right, I've made an appt with the dr/counsellor".

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/09/2011 09:20

"I think it would help sort my own head out, and hopefully get rid of my dependency to always have a man on my life, as bar a few months here in and there, there has always been someone since I was 18 and I don't think that's very healthy"

Geordie

No it is not healthy and it also led you to this man now. I would certainly suggest you see a counsellor and asap - BACP are a good place to start and they don't charge the earth. Bear in mind though that counsellors are like shoes; you need to find someone that fits. No point at all in working with someone that you cannot gell with. It will be a hard process as well for you and you have underlying issues that need dealing with now, counselling is not a quick fix solution.

You deserve to be happy and the life that you have is not a happy one.

BTW how did you both meet?.

Two further questions for you:-
What are you getting out of this relationship now?.
What are you both teaching your son about relationships here?. Two words suffice here - damaging lessons

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/09/2011 09:22

Him making dinner is a distraction activity; its all far too little and far too late.

He does not want to address the problems within the marriage because he does not care about the marriage, his wife or for that matter his son.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 04/09/2011 13:20

Apparently he is going to make an appointment on Monday... Whether he does or not, well who knows. I'm going to let him get on with it, i've had enough of nagging him.

If he doesn't, well then it's his loss, because I will leave, maybe not straight away, but once I have myself sorted, and have my head around it. I'm not in any danger.

We met through work.

Maybe it was a distraction technique, I guess the real proof will be whether he makes an apppointmemt on Monday or whether it will be another broken promise.

He does know that I have had enough though, and I think it shocked him. Not sure whether I said further down, but I dont know whether I will ever be able to have sex with him again without thinking "he's only doing this to keep me quiet". I am not sure whether I can live with that or not, and I have told him so.

OP posts:
carernotasaint · 04/09/2011 15:58

Geordie i think if we put it in timeline terms you are coming up about ten years behind me. Now my OH has done lots of things for me over the years, like show me how to use a computer,bought me a laptop, converts music ive downloaded and puts it on my MP3 cos im useless at it. Cleans out the cats litter tray cos he knows it makes me heave,never keeps me short of money when i need it,doesnt moan about the price when i have my hair coloured or legs waxed at the salon (though i do use my own money for it and just budget for it) but if i was short he would give it to me. He even phoned my bro up the other day and dropped some heavy hints that he needs to deal with some of the issues involving our elderly parents because OH gets annoyed that things like the wills and funerals discussion gets left to me cos bro is "not comfortable" discussing it.
I think all these things and more are to make up for the fact that for ten years he wouldnt have sex with me and for the past five years he cant. But to be honest even if he turned to me tonight and said "lets try it" i couldnt because 15 years is just too long and any feelings i had in that department have now gone.
So im probably going to sound selfish and greedy when i say its getting to the stage when its not enough any more.

InTheArmyNow · 04/09/2011 16:28

The issue is whether him realizing he might loose you if he doesn't do something has been enough of a shock or not.

I agree you shouldn't nag him to make this appointment. Actually I wouldn't make any comment about it for a while and see what happens. If he has done nothing in a week or two, then you have your answer.

The question abot having sex with him again is a good question though. One you might want to have a look at with your counsellor.