Dh can't/won't have sex with me anymore

[Geordieminx]

i have written about this a couple of times before under a name change (patient partner) but I'm not in the mood fir changing tonight (bottle glass of wine has made me brave)

We have had issues for a while, he is considerably older than me, and struggles not only to get an errection, but also to even want sex. I guess it's a chicken and egg situation.

We have talked and rowed about it so many times, but last week, spurred on by other things I brought it up again. Many tears (mine) later, he agreed that he would make an appointment atvthe doctors and try and see if he could get some help.

Fast forward a week later and he hasn't.

Something daft earlier prompted me to snap, ask him if he had spoken to the doctor and a huge row ensues. He now won't speak to me, isn't interested in discussing it and has been in the spare room all night.

He has 0 sex drive, and cannot maintain am erection. He hasn't made any effort to try and resolve this, despite me trying to support and help him. He doesn't make me feel in any way wanted or attractive. I'm 29 and feel like my life ahead is going to be a celebate one. He doesnt (understandably) want me to have sex with anyone else, tempted though I have been. We have a 4 year old son, I am desperate to makevthibgs work for him, but I am at a loss.

Apologies for the ramble, I dont suppose anyone can fix this, or even offer any advice, I just needed to get it off my chest as I am so desperately sad

He's never been that arsed about sex.

Sorry am pished. At pub quiz. Am rinsing it

Why are you asking me my take on it ? You have me pigeonholed already. Answer your own question. This isn't about me. Or even, you.

meanwhile I hope GM is ok this evening.

ah, crossposted with the lush lovely lady herself

Glad you are having a good evening, GM

We rinsed it. £100 pub vouchers for us!

HH: The OP has put up with this for several years. That's long enough to be sympathetic and understanding of a selfish lazy tosspot who is not prepared to do anything to address the problem.

mine's a voddie and coke

Geez AnyFucker I did answer the effing question ... right under point no.6.

If I had you pigeonholed I wouldn't be asking what you thought. But since you asked I reckon you think no. 4 and probably 3. as well. Am I right?

Of course it's not about me, all I'm trying to do is explain how it might seem to the man in question, because I'm probably closer to understanding his perspective due to, you know, my 40+ years of experience of ownership of an actual (fully working) penis. Men are allowed opinions too, aren't they?

Of course if the OP wants to leave and is just looking for validation then there's always a selection of people who will encourage her, because that's easy when it's not your husband and your kids and your marriage you're talking about. "He left the loo seat up? Cut his balls off and throw him out, never mind the kids or anything else"

How the fucking hell can denying your partner intimacy be compared to leaving the loo seat up. HH i cant help wondering if what you put in your posts would have been the same if the roles had been reversed and it was GM denying her partner INTIMACY yes thats right INTIMACY not just sex.

How extraordinary to make this all about his penis.

Isn't it about him not functioning as a husband and partner?

Not because of his penis, but because of his attitude.

HH is rather penis-led, it seems

and very experienced too

although he is showing his age experience a bit now, by getting a bit overwrought

have a sit down, HH, and say the word fuck you will feel much better after that

carernotasaint Leaving the loo seat up is nothing to do with this FFS. I was using it to illustrate a point that there are always a few people who advocate that a poster should leave her husband for the most trivial of issues .... like leaving the loo seat up.

The actual point is that you need to understand the reason for the denial of intimacy before it can be fixed.

HereBeBolloX I'm surprised how many of you have zero sympathy for the ED. No wonder it's such a problem for men to deal with issues like this openly. You'd expect a bit more sympathy and understanding for a woman who couldn't conceive, ED is the male equivalent both emotionally and physically.

Anyway, I've made my point several times, I'm off to bed.

AnyFucker FFS. Or, if you prefer, For Fuck's Sake.

Penis-led. That actually made me laugh.

Sometimes it's quite frustrating trying to make a serious point here.

Ah well, I tried.

Hi there, you mentioned that he spends all evening on the "footie forum", I'm not into snooping but have you checked his online history, it could be he's looking at something else.

I don't have zero sympathy.

I have some sympathy.

But he is not trying to help himself or his relationship and I don't agree that people should put up with dreadful relationships for years on end and keep giving an abusive partner chance after chance after chance, when that partner shows no sign of actually having any intention of tackling the problem.

If the OP's DP had shown even the slightest glimmer of taking some responsibility for the state of his relationship, my response would be different and far more sympathetic. But he hasn't and I'm always gobsmcked by just how much people ignore that.

You should only give people a chance, if they look as though they are actually wanting to do something constructive with that chance, not use it to waste several more years of your life while they keep the status quo limping on.

HH- don't know if you are still reading - but....

I can see your point, BUT you are spectacularly missing the OP's.

Whic h is yes, there IS a reason, as you rightly point out.

BUT it is her DH's responsibility to find out what it is.

And he has had 5 years.

Have you missed that fact?
'cos it sure sounds as if you have.

It sounds as if you have totally missed or ignored all the back history to this - which is years and years of distress and the OP giving her DH a chance.

Do you think he might be looking at porn or online something?
I have read that a porn addiction can lead to a total lack of interest in real sex.
GM Poor you, hope the hangover is not too bad, here, have some salt and vinegar hula hoops that normally sorts it.

I haven't missed that bit Ameliagrey and it is significant, but you're misunderstanding how men deal with problems in general and ED in particular - men are very good at burying their heads in the sand, which this one has done for 5 years. Its just one of the many ways in which we're not perfect. To a third party it's easy to say 'right, 5 years is enough, get to a doctor' but to him it's not that simple as it requires him to admit to himself first that he's not a 'proper' man any more. And, if you'll forgive the pun, that's hard. Of course I'm not saying that's a reasonable way to behave but I understand why he is behaving this way, and you can't fix a problem without understanding it.

There are two ways the OP can deal with it:

1. She can say it's his problem, he hasn't sorted it, and leave
2. She can say it's a problem which affects both of us therefore let's deal with it together.

I'd like to hope that anyone who is married would take option 2. Obviously if he refuses then the OP has to decided whether to stay or not. Maybe she's already exhausted all the options, but it didn't read that way.

I am curious as to why they got married after 3 years of this and whether that's part of the problem, maybe in his head it's validation - ie 'it was like this when we got married so she knew what expect'.

HH I believe that whether it is ED or anything else, it is OK to 'ride it on' for a while if the other person is trying to sort it out.
For me it means
1- trying to understand what is causing the problem (medical issue, psychological problem, don't know what it is) but there is an attempt to solve it.
2- if the problem isn't solvable, there is an attempt to work it out together so that both partners can compensate in a fashion suitable for them.
3- there is communication on the subject from both partners.

But from what the Op is saying, her H isn't doing any of these. He might feel very ashamed. He might be very embarrassed and finding that sticking his head in the sand is a better option. It might be for him. Not for their relationship or the OP.

The problem here isn't ED. It's the way her H has decided to communicate oir rather not communicate about an issue that is important for his partner.

HH cross post.

I'm sorry but because we are talking of man doesn't mean it's OK to burry his head in the sand. Whatever the problem it is not an appropriate reaction or way to solve problem.

Also you are giving just 2 solutions to the problem.
^1. She can say it's his problem, he hasn't sorted it, and leave

1. She can say it's a problem which affects both of us therefore let's deal with it together.^

what about 3- She does her best to help him, support him but he carries on sticking his head in the sand 4- He takes the responsability of his own health and behavior and sort the problem out wo any need for his wife to nag, push etc...

The Op has obvioulsy choosen option 3 for a long time. She is considering point 1.
What should have happen is 4.

I don't know why women are expected to be so sympathetic to the notion that "this is the way men deal with their problems".

Well men should find another way to deal with their problems then, shouldn't they, if they want to have relationships with women. Why should any adult put up with living with another adult who uses abusive, non communicative and downright idiotic methods to deal with their problems, and be told: "well, I'm afraid that's just the way blond people/ brown eyed people/ men deal with their problems, you have to accept that this is their modus vivendi. Becuase your unhappiness, is less important than his/ her's".

The mind boggles, it really does.

InTheArmyNow I basically agree with you, with one exception - ED is very difficult for a man to deal with rationally, as the OP's husband has shown. The lack of communication is a result of the ED, you can't separate the two.

HereBeBolloX That's probably the least understanding most unsympathetic post I've read on this thread (and that's saying something!). What you're saying is that men should be more like women if they want to have relationships with women. How would you react to a man saying that women should be like men and be more logical and rational and less emotional? Do you think men and women are exactly the same in all respects apart from the obvious genital differences? I really thought that kind of arch-feminist propaganda died out in the 1980's :-(

This isn't about sex, it's about a man who doesn't care enough about his wife.
A man who is emotionally mature and actually cares about his wife's happiness, will not let something seemingly this trivial go on for years until it reaches crisis point, there is so much help out there for ED that it seems utterly ridiculous that he hasn't investigated all the methods of dealing with this.

A man who actually gave a stuff would try anything and not just give up on a very important part of his marriage.
GM's husband is exactly the same age as my DH, if he ever started having erectile problems,

1. he would be straight down to the doctors to get checked out as prostate problems can be a cause of ED.
2. We would communicate and I would support him, we would be a team in finding a solution.
3. He wouldn't withdraw all intimacy, you don't actually need to have intercourse to have a sex life and if you feel loved and valued ,sex isn't nearly so important.

There is no excuse for his behaviour, despite what Happiehubbie says.

HH

I don't think we are poles apart in what we think.

However, I do think you are cutting him too much slack.

Sympathy/empathy/ etc is all very well- up to a point.

I don't think anyone here has suggested that it is an easy topic for him to either accept or discuss with a dr or therapist. But there comes a point when you should put your feelings of denial/embarrassment to one side when they affect another person so much.

You are doing- if I may say so- the typically male thing of being terribly logical and objective about this- there's not a lot of empathy from you for his wife's feelings or her sheer exasperation at his slowness to deal with the problem.

GM I hope you had a good night out and use the advice here in a positive way to begin the next stage of your life today.

I don't accept this crap about him being embarrassed/unable to face up to things, this is a man in his 40s we are talking about, this ridiculous talk about it being at the "very core" of a man is infantalising and insulting to men, for very shallow, self centred and insecure men maybe.