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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh can't/won't have sex with me anymore

209 replies

Geordieminx · 31/08/2011 21:15

i have written about this a couple of times before under a name change (patient partner) but I'm not in the mood fir changing tonight (bottle glass of wine has made me brave)

We have had issues for a while, he is considerably older than me, and struggles not only to get an errection, but also to even want sex. I guess it's a chicken and egg situation.

We have talked and rowed about it so many times, but last week, spurred on by other things I brought it up again. Many tears (mine) later, he agreed that he would make an appointment atvthe doctors and try and see if he could get some help.

Fast forward a week later and he hasn't.

Something daft earlier prompted me to snap, ask him if he had spoken to the doctor and a huge row ensues. He now won't speak to me, isn't interested in discussing it and has been in the spare room all night.

He has 0 sex drive, and cannot maintain am erection. He hasn't made any effort to try and resolve this, despite me trying to support and help him. He doesn't make me feel in any way wanted or attractive. I'm 29 and feel like my life ahead is going to be a celebate one. He doesnt (understandably) want me to have sex with anyone else, tempted though I have been. We have a 4 year old son, I am desperate to makevthibgs work for him, but I am at a loss.

Apologies for the ramble, I dont suppose anyone can fix this, or even offer any advice, I just needed to get it off my chest as I am so desperately sad

OP posts:
AnyF · 01/09/2011 14:20

Pathetic behaviour from him, sorry GM Sad

Original poster
Geordieminx · 01/09/2011 14:58

That's exactly what it is. It's laughable.

OP posts:
farfallarocks · 01/09/2011 15:03

GM awful, I don;t know how you have put up with this for so long, i know I certainly could not have done but I love sex, a lot.
Its not really about sex though is it? This is about control and about him making you feel attractive and worthless.
you are still so young, get out while you can.

AnyF · 01/09/2011 15:12

I feel sorry for him. He knows no other way to control you.

I feel more sorry for you though, love. I also think you would, after some initial pain and distress, be much better off without him.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 01/09/2011 16:11

He probably does feel very insecure, the fact that I am younger, and without being big headed I am attractive, and more importantly outgoing. We live away from family, and where we grew up, I have settled, made a life fir myself, and have a reasonable social life, he has friends from army days, but none up here, no hobbies or anyone he goes for a pint with. I have tried to encourage it but he isn't interested. I have spoken to him about depression but he says not, and I guess if he isn't going to speak to the doctor about erection problems then it's unlikely he would mention that.

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 01/09/2011 16:18

Look, what is it that makes you think you owe this selfish, miserable, boring little prick your whole life? He really doesn't care about you at all, he sees you as there for his convenience, lesser than him, an appliance he can reboot now and again if it whines but which will bumble on forever. If he cared about you he would be making some sort of effort to address his wilted willy, not flouncing and sulking and blaming you for wanting to be treated like a human being and have your feelings taken into consideration.

hellymelly · 01/09/2011 16:30

I thought you were going to say 76 not 46! I agree he is much too young to be living like this,and you are definitely much too young to be celibate. Possibly he needs a bit extra testosterone,the GP would do some bloods and tests and hopefully it could be all sorted out easily.I hope he takes that step.

AnyFucker · 01/09/2011 17:14

So, to salve his own insecurity, he has to diminish you

Think about that

AnyFucker · 01/09/2011 17:15

Think about the sort of person who does that

floosiemcwoosie · 01/09/2011 17:18

this is giving him some sort of power and control over you

If he wont go and see someone then go on your own, i think it would really help you

cupcake78 · 01/09/2011 17:28

I have some personal experience of this and its a catch 22....sex becomes a battle and therefore not enjoyable.

We had a similar problem for a few years and after tears and tantrums (relationship almost over). DH went to the docs (he is not 46 and at the time was in his 20's) the doctor offered him viagra in an attempt to increase his confidence and in turn hopefully his drive. Dh turned this offer down and we were put on the waiting list for psychosexual counselling. It was one of the best things we have ever done! We went together were totally honest and yes this was sometimes painful but we worked hard at every part of our relationship for 6 months with the guidance of the counsellor.

It worked! 7/8 years on we are married parents of a son and although sometimes dh is not as 'interested' as I would hope we have learnt how to please each other and view sex in a different way. We have sex at least once a week, before we would go for months and not try because of the heartache failure brought.

My advice from experience is this is not your husbands problem but both of your problems and as such needs to be dealt with together. If your dh is not prepared to help himself with your support then what does that say about his feeling for you, and how much are you prepared to put up with!

Its not easy but it is fixable, all it means is your normal people who are asking for help, this is something to be proud of not shy away from!

Good luck, drag him to the drs, make an appointment and tell him you both have to do something for the sake of your relationship and your childs future! Good luck

cupcake78 · 01/09/2011 17:40

Just had a quick read of other posts.

You sure he doesn't come to bed at 2 so he can be sure your asleep! No hassle, he seems to avoid things rather than confront them.

I think this goes deeper than his ability to get an erection. Does he get morning glory? If so then the problem is more likely to be in his head. DH had problems because he was worried I would be disappointed and the stress of having to perform became so much that he couldn't, making him depressed and grumpy feeling not like a man and me not like a woman and feeling totally unattractive and undesired.

I don't think he is going to do anything about it unless you tell him your there with him as long as he seeks help. If he doesn't then walk away. You deserve someone who wants to make you happy and is prepared to work at things together!

Original poster
Geordieminx · 01/09/2011 17:42

You are right AnyFuckerSad

SGB you would make such a fab drinking buddy Grin

Well I still haven't heard from him, house to myself so wee pamper session, bottle of wine then local for tea and pub quiz. Sorted. I could get used to this Blush

OP posts:
ameliagrey · 01/09/2011 17:48

cupcake I am very pleased that it worked out for you, BUT I think you underestimate the problem here.

You are right- it is a joint problem in some ways- but it shouldn't be up to Geordie to "drag him to the drs". He is an adult who has a responsibility to address his issues.

She has tried to- metaphorically- drag him to the drs for 5 years. He won't go. Short of making the appt which he may then not go to, there is no way she can make him go.

Viagra does not give you a sex drive. it gives men a hard-on. If the desire is not there, then it won't help.

It may, in the case of a man with willy wilt who wants sex, give him confidence so he can then perform without it, or for a man with a circulatory problem it will help.

I agree that some of this can be chicken and egg- if a man feels he is going to be unable to perform then he will avoid sex, and his libido may diminish.

But none of this as far as we know applies to the OP>

The real issue is the lack of communication, the unspoken emotional blackmail (I know you won't leave me so I can avoid this issue as long as I want, and the sulking after she has tried to talk about it.)

GM it would be very useful for you to know if this was ever a problem in his first marriage- not that he will tell you , but it could be something he has lived with all his life.

I keep repeating myself, so enough from me, but I do hope you will look online today and make an appt to see a counsellor www'bacp.co.uk or www.relate.co.uk , and get some help.

Talking about it to someone in RL will help- even to start detaching yourself from this marriage if that is what is destined to happen.

If you simply moan about it on MN and don't follow through with any help in RL then aren't you as guilty as he is - for not doing anything about it?

Original poster
Geordieminx · 01/09/2011 17:59

Will certainly look at counselling, even if I go on my own, it might help with some of issues that I have, and make clear of my own thoughts. Might even give me bit of backbone.

Thanks so much for your advice and help.

I don't want to drag him to the doctors, it's about him wanting to sort this, not me forcing him. Otherwise every time we had sex I would always be left with the feeling that he doesn't want it, he's just doing it to keep mr quiet... Although if I am honest I don't think I will ever get rid of those feelings. May be it is doomed.

Shit

OP posts:
floosiemcwoosie · 01/09/2011 18:12

he might be doomed......but your not!

enjoy your wee vino

Original poster
Geordieminx · 01/09/2011 18:23

Have been looking at tax credits and stuff online. Sad but pleased that I am growing a pair, and that I'm not just gonna let this happen and waste the best years of my life

OP posts:
HappyHubbie · 01/09/2011 18:26

Wow, what a difficult situation. Don't underestimate how difficult this can be for a man to even talk about, especially someone who is ex-army and therefore probably a "man's man" IYSWIM - we're just not made like that. ED is probably the most difficult and embarrassing thing for a man to deal with, it goes to the very core of who we are.

However, this has gone on for long enough, and I think you need to force the issue, otherwise it will fester. I think you have to take the lead as he just won't. Make an appointment for counselling, invite him to go with you, but tell him you're going on your own if he doesn't. Do it in a positive way rather than threatening, he's already feeling emasculated as it is. If he won't go with you, go alone, and keep going a few times. offer to make him an appointment to go by himself, he may prefer to talk about it without you there.

If he really won't make an effort you need to let him know how unhappy you are, and that there is a chance that his failure to at least try to sort the problem could be the end of your marriage. You're young, he knows you have more options than he does....

And please, ignore all the stuff about how he's just trying to control you and it's abuse - that's just bitterness talking.

AnyFucker · 01/09/2011 18:34

bitterness, HH ?

who is bitter here ?

this man is trying to get his wife to STFU by employing abusive tactics...stonewalling, sulking, belittling and making her feel like shit

so he has a problem, so what ? The way he is behaving it is a major one, when it could be a joint one overcome between them

he doesn't want to meet her half way to save his marriage...he would rather destory her self eseteem so much she gives up complaining and just puts up with a sexless marriage when that is clearly not what she wants

you imply that some posters have issues of their own...you are way off

so perhaps I am bitter on the OP's behalf

somebody fucking has to be Sad

floosiemcwoosie · 01/09/2011 18:46

no not bitter

  1. as have no reason to be 2) am worried about a young woman who is slowly been ground down by the very selfish actions of her husband

No one is denying that this is very difficult for him, but he is a 46 year old man who is destroying his relationship, yet seems unwilling to do anything about it

AnyFucker · 01/09/2011 18:46

and fuck you with your "goes to the very core of a man"

what about this woman whose sexuality is being denied her ?

does she have no "core" to speak of ?

do only men reach that particular pinnacle of entitlement ?

Original poster
Geordieminx · 01/09/2011 18:51

Are HH and flosie the same person? Confused

OP posts:
floosiemcwoosie · 01/09/2011 19:16

eh no

cupcake78 · 01/09/2011 20:07

ameliagrey Interesting you feel i'm underestimating the problem when I said it 'goes deeper than his ability to get an erection'!

I'm with HH on the blame ideas. This will destroy the relationship thats already struggling. Obviously he has a responsibility to the relationship and the hope is he realises this before its too late. If he won't talk to the doctors for 5 mins he's certainly not going to go to a counsellor for an hour and whats the point if its a physical problem that maybe the reasons for his behaviour. No well qualified counsellor worth the money will work with someone who doesn't want to be their, they will simply refer back to their GP.

He is struggling but he is also being unfair and Geordieminx I am pleased you are feeling more empowered to do something. This is not a hopeless case, you have a future to look forward to be this with or without him.

HappyHubbie · 01/09/2011 20:39

Gosh Anyfucker that's quite a rant, 'bitter' doesn't even begin to cover it! Fortunately the OP is a bit more sympathetic to the fact that her DH didn't actually cause the problem just to annoy her (as you seem to think). And if you think ED is trivial to any man then I wonder how much you know (or care) about men anyway.

I'm not even going to respond to your 'Fuck you' post, it's just too silly.