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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Dh can't/won't have sex with me anymore

209 replies

Geordieminx · 31/08/2011 21:15

i have written about this a couple of times before under a name change (patient partner) but I'm not in the mood fir changing tonight (bottle glass of wine has made me brave)

We have had issues for a while, he is considerably older than me, and struggles not only to get an errection, but also to even want sex. I guess it's a chicken and egg situation.

We have talked and rowed about it so many times, but last week, spurred on by other things I brought it up again. Many tears (mine) later, he agreed that he would make an appointment atvthe doctors and try and see if he could get some help.

Fast forward a week later and he hasn't.

Something daft earlier prompted me to snap, ask him if he had spoken to the doctor and a huge row ensues. He now won't speak to me, isn't interested in discussing it and has been in the spare room all night.

He has 0 sex drive, and cannot maintain am erection. He hasn't made any effort to try and resolve this, despite me trying to support and help him. He doesn't make me feel in any way wanted or attractive. I'm 29 and feel like my life ahead is going to be a celebate one. He doesnt (understandably) want me to have sex with anyone else, tempted though I have been. We have a 4 year old son, I am desperate to makevthibgs work for him, but I am at a loss.

Apologies for the ramble, I dont suppose anyone can fix this, or even offer any advice, I just needed to get it off my chest as I am so desperately sad

OP posts:

FabbyChic · 31/08/2011 22:27

He is under enormous pressure to perform that coupled with the lack of an erection has caused him to regress into himself. You are putting him under pressure, you are causing part of the problem.

It must be embarassing enough for him without you constantly reminding him that he isn't a real man.

You both need counselling to resolve this, and maybe sex therapy.

It isnt just about him but about how you handle it too, and to be fair you aren't coming across as caring or considerate.

Original poster

Geordieminx · 31/08/2011 22:33

Fabby i appreciate what you are saying but No, i haven't put him under huge amounts of pressure at at.. This has been going on for years, I have not mentioned it, tried to take things back to basics, offered help. But ,mostly it doesn't get spoken about, it's ignored, we don't have sex. I don't ask, I don't touch him in a sexual way, i don't expect anything.

OP posts:

carernotasaint · 31/08/2011 22:38

Oh Goardie minx i know. I left hubby alone for seven years and all i did was ask him to go to counselling in that time.He refused and after seven years of no sex, no intimacy,no cuddles or hugs whatsoever i had an affair. So if geordie minx is to leave him alone then how long for exactly?

Poshbaggirl · 31/08/2011 22:40

There are 7 yrs between my kids for this reason. XH would say i had to be nice for 6mths then he might consider it! My counsellor said that was emotional abuse. Had DC2 by some utter miracle. Still dont know where that handful of erections came from, but then that was it again. He'd never talk about it. Strangely he had an affair when i was pregnant, left and has has two further girlfriends and is now on his own 'Women are just too much trouble' he'll say.

I've been making up for the barren years in the last 5 yrs. Sex with BF is fantastic.

Tough for you, as its a health issue rather than choice. Why dont you talk to the dr about what the alternative treatments might be?

AnyFucker · 31/08/2011 22:42

oh do wind your neck in, fabby

Original poster

Geordieminx · 31/08/2011 22:44

I dream of fantastic sex

About a year ago we talked, Viagra was mentioned, he was keen so I got him an online prescription from Lloyds.

Sitting unopened in bedside cabinet. Just not arsed.

OP posts:

MugglesandLuna · 31/08/2011 22:48

Well said AF.

Sorry you are going though this GM. I dont think you are being shallow at all. We all want to feel wanted and attractive.

Poshbaggirl · 31/08/2011 22:52

Oh.......fuck it....... Have an affair. Keep it to yourself and let him sit and twiddle his thumbs and not do anything about it.

I have sympathy for impotent men, but i have sympathy too for us girlies who aren't getting any. And i mean just affection and cuddles and all that, not just PinV sex.

Best of luck.

MugglesandLuna · 31/08/2011 22:53

Original poster

Geordieminx · 31/08/2011 22:56

Since the row at 6pm he has been in the spare room. 3 times I have been in to ask if he wants to talk, if we are going out ( I made dinner reservation this morning, we were also supposed to be seeing a friends exhibition) but no, hr doesn't want to talk, he didn't want to go out, he just wanted me to go away.

What a fucking doormat I am.

OP posts:

carernotasaint · 31/08/2011 22:57

It is only once i joined this site last weekend and posted my full story on another thread that i was told it was emotional abuse. Im now coming to terms with the fact that that is exactly what it is. I now cry myself to sleep every night and i get completely obsessed with male actors that i see on TV and then i cry some more and it is the lovely ladies on this board who have made me see things clearly. (i was already crying at night before posting on mumsnet) i feel so lonely. A few years ago my OH completely stopped brushing his teeth and they have all fallen out one by one. He said the toothpaste made him gag because of his lungs. He does have a lung prob due to his HA five years ago but that doesnt explain the no affection no hugs no teeth brushing the years before that. Now i cant help but wonder if it was done so that i wouldnt want to kiss him. If it was it certainly worked.

AnyFucker · 31/08/2011 22:57

He is punishing you.

This is emotional abuse.

AnyFucker · 31/08/2011 22:58

x posted with carer

AnyFucker · 31/08/2011 23:00

I feel so bad for both of you. No-one should be made to feel like this.

You don't have to stay with these men. Really, you don't.

ameliagrey · 31/08/2011 23:03

Geordieminx Wed 31-Aug-11 22:15:25

He knows that I won't end the marriage over this, which is why he played that card.

Look, I know what you are saying BUT- if you really do believe that you cannot- or rather will not- end your marriage over this, you are indeed stuck between a rock and a hard place.

This might seem an odd suggestion but maybe you could benefit from counselling alone while giving him this mental ultimatum?

Situations get "stuck" because they reach stalemate. he is not willing to seek help; you are not willing to consider ending your marriage.

One of you has to jump first.

I'd like to suggest that the only way forward ( apart from him seeking medical help first) is for you to open what appears to be your closed mindset.

You could live a life as a single parent. Millions of people do. It's not a case of can't, but won't at the moment, for you. It may not be the life you would choose ideally- but is your marriage the one you would choose? No.

Unless you can open your mind to that possibility you really do have your back against the wall.

At the moment your DH is saying no to:
-medical help or therapy
-you taking a lover
-any idea of the marrriage being over , on your call.

Where else is there left for you to go?

If you are to have the emotional energy to deal with this, then you do really need to consider the possibility of living on your own without him.

You are very young,(I wasn't married at your age) your child is almost ready for full time school- there is no reason why you could not work and support you both, with financial help from him for the DC.

I keep saying this- but it is true- any therapist anywhere will tell you "You cannot change anyone else- you can only change you."

Make changes and he will react/respond.

Take control- because at the moment you are talking, and moaning, understandably, but not actually doing anything that is going to make it any better.

ImperialBlether · 31/08/2011 23:08

I don't know how bleak you think life as a single woman would be - it's a bloody paradise compared to living like that.

Realistically, too, if you are working with a lot of men, you have the opportunity to meet someone else, so would you really be alone forever?

I wouldn't live like that. If he was upset and apologising, that's one thing, but to treat you badly when you've done nothing wrong, that's really awful.

theginganinja · 31/08/2011 23:09

I think he is being incredibly cruel. Yes it must be distressing for him, not to maintain an erection BUT he is effectively asking you to give up any chance of a sex life whatsoever. He won't go to see anyone to get help and he's adamant that you don't have an open relationship.... so are you supposed to suppress your sexual urges and just what... put up with it? That strikes me as incredibly selfish. I don't think it's unreasonable of you to expect that part of the package of marriage (indeed togetherness) includes sex.
I'm sorry that you're going through this, it sounds a really tough situation and I have no idea what to suggest. Have you tried pointing out to him how selfish he is being? (I realise that sounds a completely useless suggestion but perhaps he doesn't realise that he is being so.)

AnyFucker · 31/08/2011 23:15

likes Amelia's last post

Jellykat · 31/08/2011 23:27

He is not even attempting to meet you halfway is he? there's no attempting to understand how you feel as another human being, and that is no partnership.

Because he knows you will not leave, or go off and seek physical affection elsewhere, he can behave how he wants, meanwhile you're supposed to just put up with it..

In the circumstances you explain about what you were supposed to be doing tonight, if you'd turned around and said 'fine, i'll go by myself', and disappeared into the night, might he of panicked a bit?

I'm thinking if it looks like his family life (with him calling the shots) could be threatened - might he actually pull his finger out, and take notice of what you are saying?

Bigpants1 · 01/09/2011 00:30

Put the metaphorical boot in why dont you FabbyChic. Whats it like up there in the moral high-ground?
Op, I think if this problem has been going on so long, you dont need to feel guilty, understanding or patient. Your dh is only 46, not 96. He is more than capable of at least trying to sort the situation, and not to do so is cruel. Whether he is happy to be "celibate" indefinitely or not, it is his choice to maintain the status-quo.
I presume, if the situation was reversed, that there would be some.(rightly), expectation from him, that you would try to rectify things.
Your dh will not even talk about things, so how are you supposed to move on? He has all the power, and uses his sulking and silence to keep you from talking about that which he doesnt.
I think, you need to be kind to you now. Speak to someone-a Counsellor, re your feelings and needs by yourself. That process may help you to see a way of living like this if you dont want to end the marriage.
You cannot be your dh therapist-he must want "help" for himself.
You dont want to end the marriage, but how much does your dh love/respect you if he can see you so unhappy, yet do nothing?
Other posters are right. Give him a time limit to seek help and then you decide what happens. At least with a time-limit there is not this huge expanse of nothingness before you. Take Care.

solidgoldbrass · 01/09/2011 00:43

Have some NSA sex and don't feel guilty. He has forfeited the right to expect monogamy from you. Not because he has erection problems, but because he won't address them and expects you to shut up and carry on servicing him domestically ie he thinks his needs, wishes and feelings are more important than yours.
TBH, given the age gap, he wants the marriage to continue so he's got someone to look after him in his old age.

Original poster

Geordieminx · 01/09/2011 06:29

Well he has successfully managed to turn this round, so that I'm the bad one, he slept in the spare room last night, and has fucked off down to manchester for an overnighter, didn't even bother to cone in and say bye.

I think you are right, I'm going to have to try and distance myself from it, give him a month, don't mention it, but then what is the problem? We'll just be in the same situation as we are now, and that we were in 6 months ago.

Someone really did hit the nail on the head when they said partcifctge reason he behaves like this is because he knows i won't leave.

OP posts:

pamplemousserose · 01/09/2011 06:36

Is there any chance he is having an affair?

Tortoiseonthehalfshell · 01/09/2011 06:43

It's been going on for at least 5 years, pample, so it doesn't sound like it.

Geordie, what would he do if you had an affair? Would he leave?

Original poster

Geordieminx · 01/09/2011 06:44

I have thought about that, but honestly, no I don't think so. I am naturally a very wary person but I doubt it. He leaves for work 3 miles away, comes home, sits on his footy forum all night, weekends are spent with us. This is the first tine he has been away in months.

Can't see many woman wanting a sexless affair with a crabbit bloke

OP posts:

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