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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dh can't/won't have sex with me anymore

209 replies

Geordieminx · 31/08/2011 21:15

i have written about this a couple of times before under a name change (patient partner) but I'm not in the mood fir changing tonight (bottle glass of wine has made me brave)

We have had issues for a while, he is considerably older than me, and struggles not only to get an errection, but also to even want sex. I guess it's a chicken and egg situation.

We have talked and rowed about it so many times, but last week, spurred on by other things I brought it up again. Many tears (mine) later, he agreed that he would make an appointment atvthe doctors and try and see if he could get some help.

Fast forward a week later and he hasn't.

Something daft earlier prompted me to snap, ask him if he had spoken to the doctor and a huge row ensues. He now won't speak to me, isn't interested in discussing it and has been in the spare room all night.

He has 0 sex drive, and cannot maintain am erection. He hasn't made any effort to try and resolve this, despite me trying to support and help him. He doesn't make me feel in any way wanted or attractive. I'm 29 and feel like my life ahead is going to be a celebate one. He doesnt (understandably) want me to have sex with anyone else, tempted though I have been. We have a 4 year old son, I am desperate to makevthibgs work for him, but I am at a loss.

Apologies for the ramble, I dont suppose anyone can fix this, or even offer any advice, I just needed to get it off my chest as I am so desperately sad

OP posts:
ameliagrey · 02/09/2011 11:30

Mal although I agree with you to an extent, I do think you over generalise.

You have made it very clear on this forum that you and DH have:
-Been together since your teens.
-Are the only people each of you has had sex with.
-Have a wonderful sex life- free from inhibitions.

This combination is a rare mix these days and you are very, very lucky to have had no problems, or if you have, then you have both overcome them easily.

It goes without saying, that if your DH had ED he would seek help , because of the nature of your relationship.

But you do need to accept that not all couples are like you, and not all men are your DH.

This couple are different
-big age gap- a generation in fact.
-OP possibly has insecurity isses and low self esteem - maybe due to absent father
-DH is divorced
-Their sex life has never been good, open and free of inhibitions.

Like you, my DH would be off to seek help straight away- but I was in a relationship for 5 years with man who didn't have ED per se, but had isssues with guilt, irrational fears of my becoming pregnant, and some kind of psychological issue with sex- resulting in most of our relationship being sex free.

He didn't seek hellp- his attitude was back of and give him time. I sought help- which helped me distance myself and eventaully leave which was terribly sad as we wanted to marry, but for his "little problem". he did then go on to marry, so it was "our " problem and I assume all is okay now.

So- just to summarise- I agree with you 75%, BUT it's not a one size fits all scenario.

ameliagrey · 02/09/2011 11:32

p.s.Mal- my man was in his 40s too and we had a big age gap. Age doesn't really come into it.

I think -sorry- you are not really aware of how ED can affect a man psychologically- mainly because it's not in your personal repetoire- but if you read around any case histories of it you would see it's not as simple as you make out, to get out there and get help.

LaLaLaLayla · 02/09/2011 11:39

My DH witheld sex after we bought our flat. We only did it a handful of times in the first year we were there. Then I discovered he was spending up to 5 hours a day looking at porn...

HappyHubbie · 02/09/2011 11:42

ameliagrey You're right, I'm looking at this from a male perspective, but it's a male problem which affects women so it's probably worthwhile to do so. I think there's been an awful lot of consideration for the OP, so someone needs to look at the other side :)

I do sympathise with the OP, she's understandably miserable, she's been more than patient with him, and he should have sorted it out years ago. But it's not been sorted, clearly he's not capable emotionally of dealing with it and they've both been hoping the problem would either fix itself or they would learn to live with it. That's not going to work so really the choice is simple - she either takes control of her marriage and tries to sort it, or she leaves. There you go - logical and objective - typical man Wink

Malificence · 02/09/2011 11:42

I just wanted to counter what HH had said about men - he seems to think all men are generally pathetic creatures who are unable to deal with relationship problems due to being emotionally stunted halfwits who have to be handled with kid gloves in case their manhood is called into question.

The men I know well are not like that.

HappyHubbie · 02/09/2011 11:45

PS, just wanted to say ameliagrey that your response to Mal is the most sensible well-thought out post I've read here. :)

HappyHubbie · 02/09/2011 11:51

No Mal I didn't say all men. Some men. Including the OP's husband (evidently).

stripeybump · 02/09/2011 12:00

I've just read the whole of this thread having been posting on another thread about a woman 'withholding' sex.

I maintained on that thread that gender makes little difference to how people are treated on here. However on this thread, while people are understandably sympathising with the OP and seeing the situation from her pov, there is a lot of talk about how the DH is emotionally abusing her and being selfish. No-one on the other thread (where the woman is the one withholding sex) is accusing the woman of being emotionally abusive.

It's interesting tis all.

I think HH's posts are adding a good dimension to povs on this thread and I don't understand why he's being attacked for it.

Malificence · 02/09/2011 12:11

He's doing a great job at making men look like imbeciles with the emotional intelligence of a house brick, thats why.

I havent seen the other thread but if the woman in question is behaving at all like OP's husband, she is every bit as dysfunctional and abusive imo.

ameliagrey · 02/09/2011 13:04

Oh thanks HH.

Mal- no, all men are not wimps, but one of the things i do is write on health, and it's not a cliche without any foundation that men will not go to the drs for the proverbial cold ,let alone ED. Women spend theri lives being prodded and poked and are much more resistant when it comes to baring all- metaphorically and literally.

I also know a man who invented a device for ED, now available in Boots nationwide (plug over) and his partner who is a nurse- and they testify to the problems men have admitting this problem.

I'm still on GM's side- enough is enough and something's gotta change!

ameliagrey · 02/09/2011 13:06

sorry- typo- I meant women were more "resiliant".

AnyF · 02/09/2011 16:07

mal/stripey...we don't know how the other partner is handling it on the other thread, because the story is being told third hand and the OP of that one doesn't even know the woman

so the two threasds are not actually comparable

stripey, what makes me think this bloke is using emotional abuse to silence his partner is her descriptions of it...ie. she is the first person, not the third person (over there) who is presented as this shadowy figure who just likes to go out and buy handbags instead of giving her man some lovin'

which is what I said over there but it got lost in a sea of argument ...

AnyF · 02/09/2011 16:09

to anybody who hasn't seen the other thead, my last post will make no sense at all, so you can safely ignore it

Original poster
Geordieminx · 02/09/2011 17:08

Well he is home.

Huge boquet of flowers, doctors appointment for next week, dinner reservations for the weekend and a big bag of Viagra.

Ha who the fuck am I kidding. I asked how work has been "shit, I am gonna hand my notice in on monday"

Not even a peck on the cheek or a sorry.

Happy fucking days eh?

I dred weekends

OP posts:
AnyF · 02/09/2011 17:25

Is he really going to hand in his notice in ?

or is this more of his suck-the-life-outta-ya negativity ?

what do you do when he makes a threat like that ?

I hope you ignore it as the attention-seeking me-me-me twattery that it is (an don't try and jolly him out of it)

whatever is up with this bloke he needs to get help dealing with it...depression, ED, whatever and stop taking it out on his wife, before he pushes her away completely

I really could not live with a such a fucking miserable bastard day in-day out unless he was taking concrete steps to sort his act out

Original poster
Geordieminx · 02/09/2011 17:31

That's exactly what he is fucking miserable.

Nah, he won't hand his notice in... It would take too much effort Hmm

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/09/2011 17:35

that's what I thought

his passivity wouldn't countenance such action I guess

Original poster
Geordieminx · 02/09/2011 17:46

He's "meh" about everything

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/09/2011 17:51

GM, you know you will be back here making the same complaints about him in 6 months (or less) time, don't you ?

You deserve better than this miserable old man

Now, I am about his age and so is my DH, so this is not an agist comment. But this bloke wants to be old in his ways, he wants to be passive and let his marriage drift away to oblivion. If he didn't want that, he would be doing something, anything to prevent it happening.

I would be quite interested in the whys/wherefores of his first marriage breakup. Not literally, just that I reckon his first wife has a very similar story to tell.

Original poster
Geordieminx · 02/09/2011 17:53

He had an affair.

I actually think I could cope by myself. We would be fine. It frightens me to think that in 12 years time ds will be grown up, I will only be 41, and I will look back thinking that I have wasted the best years of my life.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 02/09/2011 17:56

Blimey. Where did he find the energy Grin

Love, I am away off for the weekend in a few minutes, take care. Drop me a pm if your thread dies and you want a chat.

floosiemcwoosie · 02/09/2011 18:01

christ i got all excited, thought he had come in with flowers etc

When is he last time you really laughed with him?

Original poster
Geordieminx · 02/09/2011 18:01

Have a nice weekend, and thanks again

OP posts:
HereBeBolloX · 02/09/2011 18:03

HH that's prob one of the most sillyheaded sexist posts I've read on MN. Women aren't more emotional or less rational than men. Men don't own rationality, women don't own emotion, that is such a lazy sexist stereotype. I didn't say men should be more like women. I think they should be more like men, actually. This bloke, burying his head in the sand, refusing to communicate, refusing to acknowledge and refusing to deal with it, is not behaving like an man or like a woman or like an adult of either sex. He's behaving like a child. And adults cannot have children as partners, they have to have other adults.

Will now read the rest of the responses....

HereBeBolloX · 02/09/2011 18:19

Sorry I just have to take issue with the idea that HH is being objective and logical, while everyone else is being emotional. This is nonsense. All of us are being both emotional and rational, because all human beings are capable of both. Now the sexist myth is that men own reason and women own emotion, but we know that this is bollocks. The OP's husband for example, is not being remotely rational, he is acting out of emotion - embarrassment, shame etc. I would say that HH's posts are emotional, not rational; the rational thing for the OP to do, is dump her DH forthwith, but the emotional HH empathises with the DH and is urging her to give him more time, more patience (because apparently 5 years isn't enough). How can that be considered rational? That's not rational at all, it's emotional.

And there is nothing wrong with being emotional - HH has the right to be as emotional in his arguments as he likes. But let's not call his emotionalism logic, eh? That's just sexist. The only reason emotionalism is looked down on, is because it is (wrongly) associated with women. But it's no more likely to be employed by them, than by men. IMO.