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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he has done it again, I do not believe he has done it again!

211 replies

colditz · 06/12/2005 13:59

My partner has got us (joint tenancy) into £500 debt, with rent arrears, and today I was served with a notice of intention to seek possession.

I knew nothing about this!!!!! Basically he has been paying the rent at a rate of £70 per month since October. I first found this out today, when the notice with my name only on it was given to my partner. Had I not physically snatched it outof his hand, I would still be none the wiser now.

so now I have to find £500. I am so shocked and angry that he has done this to me again, he swears he just forgot, but to me that makes it even worse. How can you 'forget' that you owe a Housing Association £70 per week?

I have told him I want him to leave, he says no. That's it really, he says no. I can't physically make him, I don't know what to do. If I pay this rent, I will always pay the rent, which means I am paying for everything.

has anyone got any ideas? I am 22 weeks pregnant, and wishing, sadly, that I had never bloody met him, or had left him the minute ds was born. He has dragged my name with his into court so many times I am ashamed. They didn't even know who I was before I got involved with him, I am always so careful to keep things in seperate names, but the council tax and rent are the 2 things that I had no choice about. Either his name went on it, or they wouldn't lease me a property.

I don't even know where I stand legally. And anyone who has read my posts on debt subjects before willl know that this is the ultimate betrayal to me, I really would rather he had had a one night stand. I would understand that, at least.

I am so sad and so angry, I have screamed at him in front of ds (who only sees me shouting at his daddy)

OP posts:
alLIOluia · 06/12/2005 14:01

I am so sorry that I have nothing useful to say, but wanted you to know I am so so sorry and angry on your behalf. I'm sure you'll get some more practical replies, but if not are the CAB any good on advising what you can do to separate yourself from this man?

foundintransleightion · 06/12/2005 14:01

oh colditz
no ideas really. citizens advice bureau?
you're quite right to be furious. I would be ballistic.

SilentBite · 06/12/2005 14:02

Why do you leave the responsibility for this with him if he is not capable of dealing with it?
Can you not pay it and collect the money from him every week?

What is he doing with the money? Does he have a drug/gambling habit?

LadySherlockofLGJ · 06/12/2005 14:02

Oh God Colditz,

What useless tosser

WTF are you going to do ??

Can family or friends help you out, I know money is tight at this time of year, but this is important.

Epiffany · 06/12/2005 14:05

Colditz, oh dear, I know how much this means to you as an act of deceit
I wish wish wish I tell you more about your rights. Can you try CAB as a first stop?
Wishing you hugs xxxxxxxxxx

Original poster
colditz · 06/12/2005 14:10

I have tried to take the money for the rent off him, and pay it myself, but he won't give me the money, and unless he gives me the money, I can't afford to pay everything. I have suggested it befor, but he accuses me of trying to control him. Which \I am, but for a very good reason in my eyes.

It drives me round the bloody bend, and he can't see it. He is a decent man (I know, it sounds ridiculous), who is kind, good wioth ds, we share the childcare and housework pretty much equally, we both work 25-30 hours a week, he is on a slightly higher wage than me, but I get the child benefit which makes up for it. Our income is almost identical, our outgoings are almost identical, I have tried so hard to engineer it so he has the most predictable bills to pay, and I sort stuff like shopping, gas, electric, waterbill, council tax. He only has to find the rent money and the phonebill. And I have said to him if he doesn't want to pay the phonebill he is welcome to get it disconnected, as long as he pays the rent.

Oh, Lord, sorry, this is such a rant. I just do not know why he finds it so hard to pay bills. He doesn't gamble, take drugs, drink, and has even quit smokinfg recently! Even if he is still smoking, it cannot be much because I would smell it.

OP posts:
teeavee · 06/12/2005 14:12

can he not set up a direct debit for the rent?

expatinscotland · 06/12/2005 14:14

Wow! How can you 'forget' rent? Our landlord makes that impossible, b/c all tenants must pay it by direct debit the 3rd of every month.

Original poster
colditz · 06/12/2005 14:15

He isn't allowed DD's from his account, because he gets into such a mess with them. He forgets he has a bill going out, spends the money, and gets whacked with a fine from the bank and also a fine from the company.

I will try the CAB tomorrow.

OP posts:
Original poster
colditz · 06/12/2005 14:15

Precisely EPIS. How the hell can you forget to pay something as basic as rent?

OP posts:
NotQuiteCockney · 06/12/2005 14:16

Given you've gone through all this before ... I'd be tempted to get him to pay you his income, and you give him an "allowance". And I'd have that be a condition if he wants to keep living together.

Original poster
colditz · 06/12/2005 14:18

Our HA gives us a card, and we have to go to the PO to pay in cash. They then give the money to the HA. It does work very well, you can pay it whenever you want, as long as it isn't late.

Our rent is NOT high. £70 per week is low rent, in my opinion, for a 2 bedroom house with a garden. He just doesn't pay it, and then doesn't understand why I get so angry when I am summonsed to court to answer questions about an arrears I knew nothing about!

OP posts:
MrsDoolittle · 06/12/2005 14:20

colditz, it's very difficult to understand his thinking on this. I can't understand how a good man, as you say, does this to you - it's appalling.
I really hope you get the help you need

Epiffany · 06/12/2005 14:22

I'd agree with NQC, but it is hard to contemplate s future with someone you can never trust with money like this. Who wants to nursemaid someone who cannot manage the basic essentials of life.
Not when you've got kids...

jambothesnowman · 06/12/2005 14:23

thinking of you colditz.

He needs a good kick up the arse!!!!!!1

can you maybe take control of all finances for a while to ensure your bills get paid?

expatinscotland · 06/12/2005 14:24

Yeah, £70 is dirt cheap! Ours £500/month for a two-bed flat w/no garden (has a private car park instead).

Bugsy2 · 06/12/2005 14:33

Colditz, I would immediately phone the HA and tell them it is your intention to pay. They wont want to take you to court as that will cost them money. Ask if you can go in and see them to work something out. Make sure you make a note of who you speak to etc.

MrsDoolittle · 06/12/2005 14:39

But don't tell him you are going to pay. Find out how you can get him out.

NutcrackingXmas · 06/12/2005 14:40

If i were in you position (which i have been), I would tell him he either gives you full financial control ie all bank cards are kept by you etc, or he leaves.

Felling awful for you, as it is not nice to suddenly be plunged into debt when you hadn't a clue about it, and dp has done this to me on more than one occasion too.

Original poster
colditz · 06/12/2005 14:40

have already told them we are going to pay it, she seems quite happy with it.

Now I have to broach the subject of taking financial control completely away fromk dp, and he is not going to be happy. I am dreading it.

Don't get me wrong, I'm not scared remotely of him, but am pg, hormonal, and have had nothing solid since Saturday as have had a hideous stomach bug. Am living on Lucozade atm

OP posts:
NutcrackingXmas · 06/12/2005 14:41

The HA will basically allow you to ad an amount onto £70 a week to make up the difference, they won't want it all in one go.

NotActuallyAMotherChristmas · 06/12/2005 14:42

So sorry for you

Could you perhaps tell the HA exactly what has happened, tell them the arrears will be paid within x amount of weeks and ask them in future to let you, not him, know if the rent is ever late - even if only a few days?

Really don't know what else to suggest but really sad and angry on your behalf

Original poster
colditz · 06/12/2005 14:43

I do agree with everything said here about taking his cards away, but it is so hard to issue ultimatums when my heart isn't really in it.

I don't really want him to leave, you see. I think he is a brilliant father, my son(s) would genuinely miss out by not having him live here.

And I am pretty sure his response to any attempt to take his cards will be NO. And so will his response be to a request to leave, NO. And without getting nasty, I don't know what to do. He has no idea why I am upset.

OP posts:
SilentBite · 06/12/2005 14:45

Colditz, do a spreadsheet with all your incoming/outgoing cash

Then set up a joint a/c and put all the outgoing cash into that, then pay the dds from that a/c. You can then check that he has paid his bit in before it gets too late. Sell it to him as you both having control over what are, after all, your joint finances. I can't see that he can accuse you of being controlling when he has screwed up something so fundamental!

eefs · 06/12/2005 14:47

he MUST have an idea why you are upset - you've been through this with him so many times before.