he has done it again, I do not believe he has done it again!

[colditz]

My partner has got us (joint tenancy) into £500 debt, with rent arrears, and today I was served with a notice of intention to seek possession.

I knew nothing about this!!!!! Basically he has been paying the rent at a rate of £70 per month since October. I first found this out today, when the notice with my name only on it was given to my partner. Had I not physically snatched it outof his hand, I would still be none the wiser now.

so now I have to find £500. I am so shocked and angry that he has done this to me again, he swears he just forgot, but to me that makes it even worse. How can you 'forget' that you owe a Housing Association £70 per week?

I have told him I want him to leave, he says no. That's it really, he says no. I can't physically make him, I don't know what to do. If I pay this rent, I will always pay the rent, which means I am paying for everything.

has anyone got any ideas? I am 22 weeks pregnant, and wishing, sadly, that I had never bloody met him, or had left him the minute ds was born. He has dragged my name with his into court so many times I am ashamed. They didn't even know who I was before I got involved with him, I am always so careful to keep things in seperate names, but the council tax and rent are the 2 things that I had no choice about. Either his name went on it, or they wouldn't lease me a property.

I don't even know where I stand legally. And anyone who has read my posts on debt subjects before willl know that this is the ultimate betrayal to me, I really would rather he had had a one night stand. I would understand that, at least.

I am so sad and so angry, I have screamed at him in front of ds (who only sees me shouting at his daddy)

(opps sorry forgot to change my name back)

Sorry I can't post much as I am at work, but my xp was a serious gambler, and while I was with him I didn't honestly know to what extent, it has only recently started to come out.

I hate to say it, but your post are so similar to something I would have written 2 yrs ago, and they now ring alarm bells for me.

I hope not, but I had to say

I wonder if the CAB might be helpful, this man is good aside from the financial side, you would stay with him if he sorts the financial stuff out or if he gives you control right?
If he won't change then you won't stay
If that is your bottom line and he refuses to change you need advice on what you can do.
You must be able to get him out of the house, you are pregnant, have a child, he must be the one to go.
Counselling for him? Would he entertain it?

My dh is useless with money, when we got married, we each kept our own bank a/cs, BUT we set up a joint a/c which only I have access to, all our money is paid into that a/c, and bills etc. are paid from it. We have an allowance from that joint a/c into our own a/cs every month, which we can spend however we like, without the risk of important bills not being settled.

Sorry but I'd be worried that if he can try to hide this (knowing ultimately he will be found out) what else is there. Perhaps not a bill as such (since you seem to have the others covered) but something else which has got out of control. If that isn't the case he should be able to at least tell you where the money has gone.

You say he is a good dad but that involves taking responsibility for his family's safety and well being which he doesn't seem to see as high priority atm. Can't help but think there is something else which is more important to him right now.

Oh dear, colditz, I'd hoped he was going to be sensible. I'm worried there's something hidden there, too. Porn? Gambling?

I can see that he wants some financial independence. But an "allowance" paid into his bank account would do that, too, wouldn't it? As in, all his pay goes directly into your account, and you have a standing order that transfers a set agreed amount into his account. That way, he has his privacy and so on, but your family finances don't get screwed like this again.

His only concession is to give me £100 per week, but the thing is....

He has been promising since August to give me £10 pw, to put in a seperate account to buy things for the baby. So far I have had £40, in 2 lumps.

This is looking worse and worse and worse, the more I put down in black and white, the odder his behavior looks. He says he genuinely doesn't know where his money goes, but is prepared to lose his family to avoid disclosing his account details.

God, if I was reading this rather than writing, I would be screaming about financial abuse by now. It's all so very different when it's yourself, it's so hard to get perspective on it. Part of me fels I am being to hard with this ultimatum, but the majority of me knows that I simply cannot trust him with money. He just doesn't care about it as much as I do.

I have coughed up the £590 out of the Christmas fund btw. Have emptied my account, but I just cannot live with debt, I just can't. My housing officer is lovely, and I've arranged with her to contact ME immediately if the account defaults by more than £100, regardless of whether she has already contacted dp.

I feel like such a soft touch

DO NOT tell him you paid the debt.
The statemnet are going to your mums so is there any way that he cannot find out you've paid it.

Make him give you the money to pay the debt and keep it fro the baby.

Sorry, forgot to say I'm and for you colditz.

I'm stunned that he'd do this to you, the baby and your DS.

This is appalling.
You can't have a future with a man like this.You will never be at peace.

Sorry to jump in but if it was me I'd be worried there was something more sinister than him just wanting to keep his independence.

Are you concerned he is hiding something else?

Am confused as to how all his earnings can just disappear without him knowing what on... Going out? drink? drugs? clothes? gadgets? gambling? another woman(sorry)? Previous debt? credit card debt that he's still paying?

If he's in all the time you can rule out going out and/or drinking. Does he always wear nice clothes? alwyas have the latest gadgets?

Sorry I'm not the most tactful but can't get my head around it at all. If it were me I wonder be able to brush it under the carpet - I would have to know where his money was going.

He will know I've paid it, because he knows I can't live with it. I am taking the money anyway though.

the HA can't send the statements to my mums without sending everything there, if you see what I mean, but she has agreed to send a statement one off to my mums whenever I ask for one.

He is so bizarre with his money. He has full access to my account, because I have never made an effort to stop him, but he has never once in 5 years stolen out of it. That's why I find it hard to believe he has a gambling problem, he wouldn't be able to keep his hands off such a large sum of money that he knows is there, would he? Yet he always has.

He is saying I want to leave him now, and I always have.

I hope his bloody painkillers make him faecally incontinent

Buys the odd gadget, but I know about those. Rarely buys clothes, in fact I buy them for him most of the time, not because he asks, but because he is a scruff. He can't do anything while I am at work without taking the toddler with him, so can't be going to the bookies.

I am not naive about drugs, so would know if he was taking enough drugs to make that amount of money disappear. REALLY doesn't drink, has maybe a 4 pack a month. Doesn't/barely smokes - again, I would know because I would smell it.

Another woman? I doubt he would have time. Previous debt does make me wonder, as it seems to be the one thing he would know he has to hide from me.

I have honestly wondered if he has another child hidden somewhere that I don't know about. Stranger things do happen.

You are worth so much more than this Colditz

Past threads and even the title of this one where you say 'again' shows that he has done it before and he will do it again.

You say you love him, but what is love without trust? Is it enough?

I dont think it is, you are always going to be questioning what he is doing, what he is spending his money on, what he is prioritising above you and the children, because he is not putting any of you first. You say he is a good dad - what sort of father would risk seeing his kids out on the streets at christmas?

He hasnt made a mistake, it wasnt a slip up or an over sight, he has done it before. He just doesnt care enough about the people who care about him and about the children that look to him to provide and support them.

You are worth more, cut your losses and move on. Maybe when he realises what he has lost then he will look at his own behaviour and seek help, but until then ultimatoms and threats arnt going to work because you need to follow them through and show him that you wont put up with it.

Change the locks whilst he is out, bag his stuff up ready for him. It sounds harsh but you already have one child and one on the way, you dont need this from him. Take control of your life back.

Maybe one day when he has learnt the lessons, got the help he needs and has grown up you will be able to work through things but until then he is not listening, he doesnt care, he just lives for whatever he is spending the money on and until that changes you are better off without him in your life.

Im sorry if that sounds harsh but its just the way i feel.

Colditz, I wondered about a child from a previous relationship but didn't like to say after I'd alreayd mentioned another women and the CSA are so f*cked they could really be screwing him.

Could he have borrowed from a dodgy loan company to buy anything big in the past?

Perhaps you could ask him, nicely/calmly, if it's previous debt and that you'd rather here that than worrying about the other possibilities?

It's not unreasonable for him to want his own bank account and his own money, as long as that doesn't make you homeless!

He can't be convinced to get his salary paid into your account, and his money transferred out from there? All the bills can come out of your account, and then it's all settled? That would be my ultimatim, I think. (I say this. I have no idea what I would do in your shoes, really.)

(Did he get a loan for a colleague? Have I got that right? Any chance the colleague has defaulted, and he's covering it up?)

Oh Colditz, I've been following this thread and wanted to say how sorry I am.

I do also know what it's like to set something out in writing and think "good god, if someone else's partner were doing this with money, I'd tell them to be off". My DP is not nearly like yours, but his finances are a nightmare.

My ex p had a child that I knew nothing about until I found its hospital id bracelet when we were moving house By this time the child was 6 and he had been sending money and presents but never saw it.He was also v secretive about money We split over that really and his lies the child he had didn't bother me.Could you ask him straight out I know my ex was massively relieved once I knew even though he thought I'd go mad

No, he wants control of all his own money, even though he has proven again and again that he can't control it.

I feel caught between the devil and the deep blue sea. On one hand if I throw him out, I will be depriving my son of a good father. My son doesn't care who pays the bills. on the other hand, if I don't throw him out, I may well be depriving my son of a home.

I know I am trying to control him, the accusation does stand, but I don't know what else to do. He has wreaked financial havoc on my life since I met him. I need to control him, because his actions are controlling me.

But you're not trying to control him. You're trying to control the family finances!

Any chance of mediation or Relate or similar?

Oooh! Or any chance of him getting counselling about money?

Colditz, take the words money and finances out of the discussion and insert honesty and openess, or duplicity and mistrust.

If he has nothing to hide, why is he hiding? He doesn't have to share his money with you - but he has to trust you. And you have to be able to trust him.

My x was a financial nightmare. I know that sinking feeling when you find out about crap going on.

Coldizt, I really feel for you as I know what it is like to be in your situation, albeit for different reasons. Never knowing if there is going to be a problem with bills getting paid, and knowing as much as you grudge and hate it everything will have to be paid out of what money you have as there is nothing else you can do!

My Xp was gambling but he hid it very very well, I am not stupid, but I honestly had no idea of the extent of it while we were together.

The relief of being on my own and knowing everything was safe and I only had myself to rely on was huge.

My Xp was a great guy too, everyone loved him, great dad etc, but every month there was never much to show, from his wages. Now we are no longer together, and what he does isn't my responsibility, he is honestly one of my closest friends, but I could never trust him with money or anything again.

Sorry to ramble on, but I remember feeling how you have so many times

I vividly remember one of my best friends saying about her then husband "It's my fault, I shouldn't have let him have a credit card"

Colditz, lovely, he's actually taking control away from you, because you have no certainty or assurance of your own future, or your children's.

(My mate left her husband, btw, and is now much happier with a bloke who treats himself like an adult.)

He is accusing me of wanting the relationship to end for my own reasons, but I seem to be the only one desperate to make it work.

I'm just going round in circles now. I just don't know what to do.

Part of it is cowardice, as I have no childcare and my life will get a whole lot harder if dp isn't there to look after ds while I go to work