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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he has done it again, I do not believe he has done it again!

211 replies

colditz · 06/12/2005 13:59

My partner has got us (joint tenancy) into £500 debt, with rent arrears, and today I was served with a notice of intention to seek possession.

I knew nothing about this!!!!! Basically he has been paying the rent at a rate of £70 per month since October. I first found this out today, when the notice with my name only on it was given to my partner. Had I not physically snatched it outof his hand, I would still be none the wiser now.

so now I have to find £500. I am so shocked and angry that he has done this to me again, he swears he just forgot, but to me that makes it even worse. How can you 'forget' that you owe a Housing Association £70 per week?

I have told him I want him to leave, he says no. That's it really, he says no. I can't physically make him, I don't know what to do. If I pay this rent, I will always pay the rent, which means I am paying for everything.

has anyone got any ideas? I am 22 weeks pregnant, and wishing, sadly, that I had never bloody met him, or had left him the minute ds was born. He has dragged my name with his into court so many times I am ashamed. They didn't even know who I was before I got involved with him, I am always so careful to keep things in seperate names, but the council tax and rent are the 2 things that I had no choice about. Either his name went on it, or they wouldn't lease me a property.

I don't even know where I stand legally. And anyone who has read my posts on debt subjects before willl know that this is the ultimate betrayal to me, I really would rather he had had a one night stand. I would understand that, at least.

I am so sad and so angry, I have screamed at him in front of ds (who only sees me shouting at his daddy)

OP posts:
SueW · 11/12/2005 08:36

colditz surely he will get something in writing from the bank in the mail confirming online registration details?

Klauz33 · 11/12/2005 08:42

Colidtz, i am have details to all DP's accounts online because he is s**t with money. He does know about it however.

stitchcantthinkofgoodxmassname · 11/12/2005 08:47

lots of hugs and positive feelings for you colditz.
not much help im afraid, but could you say, just not do the grocery shopping? let him get the food, or there wont be any for him to eat?

bloss · 11/12/2005 09:10

Message withdrawn

bloss · 11/12/2005 09:11

Message withdrawn

PottyinaPearTree · 11/12/2005 09:23

Sorry that you're still going through this colditz . I'm pretty controlling too and FWIW would have done just as you have with the bank account.

It can't go on though can it? Does he not see the consequences of not allowing you to be in charge of the finances - no home and as proved this week possibly no food either? What if something serious happened to you - would you trust him to put your kids above all else, keep a roof over their heads and keep them safe? Is he capable of that?

feastofsteven · 11/12/2005 09:31

Can completely see why you did what you did with the bank account, Colditz and probably would have done the same in your position. Don't blame yourself so much; if your DP spends too much, why on earth is is your fault??

PantomimEDAMe · 11/12/2005 09:37

Colditz am so sorry. You have done absolutely the right thing getting access to his account. He is behaving like a toddler and toddlers need grown-ups to ensure they don't get into danger.

Look in his bank account and open all his post. It's the only way.

FWIW dh kept the fact that our mortgage company were about to reposess us from me. The stupid thing was we weren't short of money but he had been taking cashback from our housekeeping account that all the bills come from. I got him to cut up his cashcard and started opening all the post. Still do.

Dh did realise what he'd done. Still isn't great with money but he did manage to pay off a big credit card bill on his own. It is possible to come through this but only if he realises quite how dangerous and irresponsible his behaviour is and agrees to you taking charge of all the money.

jambothesnowman · 11/12/2005 10:01

Are you able to get into the accounts yet?

jambothesnowman · 11/12/2005 10:01

Are you able to get into the accounts yet?

Chandra · 11/12/2005 10:18

Colditz, I'm sorry that you are going through this, I have not posted before because I couldn't say anything that had not been said. I believe that considering the risk he is puttin g you in you really have to have access to the bank details. Just hope that you have asked the bank directly from them and not any other internet instance.

I don't think he is a bad father but probably he has got to the very comfortable position -for him-, to assume that no matter how irresponsible he is with money you always sort the problem at the end. It is a difficult situation because what is on risk is your house so no "teaching" risks are advisable. But I think that a good chat in Relate may help both of you to understand why he is acting like that and to sort the problem.

Money doesn't have to disapear spent on mistresses, gambling, drugs or other bad habits. Dh could spend a fortune in Starbucks coffee (OK, another kind of addiction ). It may sound stupid but when we were living on a student scholarship the cost of those 3-4 coffees a day could made up to nearly 200 pounds a month and definitively causing a problem in our economy.

Original poster
colditz · 11/12/2005 12:34

still can't get into his account.

just hoping I get to his mail before he does, because I am going to open it, take the code, and get into the account.

I'm not going to do anything in there, just look.

OP posts:
collision · 11/12/2005 13:52

ATEOTD you have to think of your children and although what you did probably is fraudulent I dont see what else you could do.

you cannot lose your house and as you say, how can you go to a hostel when you arent being mistreated (and you would lose your house anyway)

Have you shown him this thread? Would he be cross that you had told us what was going on. Esp the reasons you give about leaving or not. Does he know his family is in jeopardy?

doormat · 11/12/2005 14:36

colditz loads of good advice here

I took my ex h off the joint tenancy (council) by getting him to sign it all over to me.

IMO Chandra hit the nail on the head when she said that
he constantly does this as he knows you will bail him out

maybe now is the time to reverse the tactics

why not treat him like a live in lodger until he gets his act together
halve all bills and food etc and get him to pay his half of the share
give him deaf and dumb dinners (aka nookies)
get him to do his own washing etc etc

until your dh realises that a marriage/partnership is both sided and a joint togetherness, I would refuse to do anything for him if I was in your shoes.

also cant blame you for going into his account as I would of done exactly the same thing

good luck and thinking of you as I have been in similar situation with ex dickhead of a h
xxx

doormat · 11/12/2005 14:36

no nookies that should be

Original poster
colditz · 11/12/2005 14:42

We don't have sex, he isn't interested, he already does half the housework as we work the same hours, and as for handing over half the money for everything? He just doesn't.

He never refuses to, he always says he will, but I never see that money.

Found a reciept half an hour ago from August, he spent £75 in a computer shop. He says he doesn't remember doing it.

I think I have to admit that we don't really have a relationship, we just live in the same house. I am just so ashamed to admit that I have allowed myself to be used as a meal ticket, and still am allowing it.

He doesn't love me, he can't love and treat me like this. What he wants is more important to him than what we need!

OP posts:
LadySherlockofLGJ · 11/12/2005 15:07

Does he have another life somewhere ???

Original poster
colditz · 11/12/2005 17:14

I really cannot imagine how on earth he would have another life, I don't see how he would have time.

I am so frustrated, I cannot see where on earth he is spending the money, but if this '£75 in a computer shop' is a regular occurence, the answer may very well be right under my nose literally, as I have no idea of the value of computer parts.

OP posts:
Original poster
colditz · 11/12/2005 17:15

I know, everything points to him having an affair somewhere, but I have no idea when he is managing it!

OP posts:
Chandra · 11/12/2005 20:29

You can spend 75 pounds in 4 ink cartridges, a couple of packets of photgraphic paper and may be still a bit of money for a computer game.

In terms of benefits, single mothers are not left on their own, if you think there's no love, no trust and no remedy, what about checking what kind of help could you get if you decide to leave him?

I would be terrified to be in that position because I don't have a paid job, but if you work and you cover all the expenses probably you end up having more money as you will not have to cover the costs of an extra adult.

blossomgirl · 11/12/2005 22:54

Colditz - it's really painful to feel what you are going through. I'm so sorry, no wonder you gave such good advice to me a couple of weeks ago. My dp is of an ilk to this.

My experiences are:

Don't let go of where you are going with this, stay in the lead. Play your cards very very close to your chest, and keep it to yourself nomatterwhat if you gain access to his account behind his back.

You can always work on him later to "agreeing" you to seeing his account statements.

My dp does not know I have online access to his credit card. Feel shit looking, but alot safer. For warned is for armed!

You are changing things already, keep going. Take charge with quiet conviction.

I got results by stopping shouting being really simple with my dp. I nagged the sht out of him, and lectured him ragged, I bored him and made him feel pain and guilt again and again and I did not back off. (He got us a notice to reposses in July)

and all through it i said the same thing

PAY THE BILLS AND I WILL LEAVE YOU ALONE.
(firm voice with no you f**ker tones if you can )

and I said it again and again and again. Eventually the penny dropped, and i got control of the bills account and atleast now our home is secure. I still suffer because of his credit card spending but its the lesser evil.

Oh Colditz, I hope you are ok right now. No one of us has to take this, don't you take it. You've got right on your side Gook luck [huuuuuug]

blossomgirl · 11/12/2005 22:56

ps my dp's weakness is mobile phone and related guff (headsets etc) can clean you out in £50 chunks.

blossomgirl · 11/12/2005 22:58

pps if you've got the recipt, can the shop tell you what the computer stuff was?

Original poster
colditz · 12/12/2005 00:28

No, it just say miscellenious accessories onthe receipt. The bloke who runs the shop is young and single, so unlikely to have any sympathy with a fat contolling naggy-looking harridan with a grubby pushchair and messy hair.

OP posts:
blossomgirl · 12/12/2005 10:21

Oh Colditz, please don't pull yourself to pieces. Give youself credit, you sound like a sound person to me.

Phone them up and say you found the receipt but cant remember what you bought...what sort of things would they write down as misc acc?
Lil ol helpless girly voice ..??