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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

he has done it again, I do not believe he has done it again!

211 replies

colditz · 06/12/2005 13:59

My partner has got us (joint tenancy) into £500 debt, with rent arrears, and today I was served with a notice of intention to seek possession.

I knew nothing about this!!!!! Basically he has been paying the rent at a rate of £70 per month since October. I first found this out today, when the notice with my name only on it was given to my partner. Had I not physically snatched it outof his hand, I would still be none the wiser now.

so now I have to find £500. I am so shocked and angry that he has done this to me again, he swears he just forgot, but to me that makes it even worse. How can you 'forget' that you owe a Housing Association £70 per week?

I have told him I want him to leave, he says no. That's it really, he says no. I can't physically make him, I don't know what to do. If I pay this rent, I will always pay the rent, which means I am paying for everything.

has anyone got any ideas? I am 22 weeks pregnant, and wishing, sadly, that I had never bloody met him, or had left him the minute ds was born. He has dragged my name with his into court so many times I am ashamed. They didn't even know who I was before I got involved with him, I am always so careful to keep things in seperate names, but the council tax and rent are the 2 things that I had no choice about. Either his name went on it, or they wouldn't lease me a property.

I don't even know where I stand legally. And anyone who has read my posts on debt subjects before willl know that this is the ultimate betrayal to me, I really would rather he had had a one night stand. I would understand that, at least.

I am so sad and so angry, I have screamed at him in front of ds (who only sees me shouting at his daddy)

OP posts:

HRHQueenOfQuelNoel · 12/12/2005 18:07

oh yes - forget to say - all my gambling was online - get one of those 'netguard' programmes and block all sites that are gambling related - ask him if he's got any online accounts - and if he does make him close them in front of you. Most of them won't let you sign up again with the same card details (fraud protection) so he wouldn't be able to rejoin again afterwards

LadyTophamInAChristmasHatt · 12/12/2005 18:09

Colditz, my DH is a member of the social fund commity at work and the fruit machine provides 50% off their funds.
Last year I think they had more than £15,000 from it to go towards all the things they arrange for the satff and their families. £15,000+ from one machine!

Dh say that whenever he goes to the club house there is always someone playing on it, putting £ after £ after £ in it. He finds it utterly astonishing.
He's seen people win the £100jackpot and put it all straight back in. They get to "know" the machine and work out when a big payout is due so I imagine it's very addictive.

HRHQueenOfQuelNoel · 12/12/2005 18:10

btw Colditz - if you want to CAT me - feel free too - you've helped me out before - and I'd be happy to help you as much as I can.

CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell · 12/12/2005 18:12

I am soooo relieved that it's not something seedier, like a secret love child or something! At least now you have the information so you can work on that.

What will you do? What has he said that he will do? Wishing you lots and lots of luck!

Original poster

colditz · 13/12/2005 10:53

He has just rang me from work in tears. I am worried about him actually, he NEVER cries, he says he feels like such a sh1tbag. Which he has been, to be honest, and he isn't getting a lot of sympathy, but he sounds really distressed.

OP posts:

feastofsteven · 13/12/2005 10:57

maybe suggest to him to call Gamblers Anonymous helpline to talk things through with them?

Bugsy2 · 13/12/2005 11:16

Colditz, I'm so glad you have found out what has been going on. At least now you know the truth. I wouldn't be too sympathetic. I didn't notice him offering you a whole load of sympathy when you were going to be evicted from your home - a situation which couldn't really be much worse.
I know nothing about addiction, so won't even try to advise you. However, at least armed with the facts you can make a proper decision about your future, and what future the two of you have together.
I'm glad you stuck it out and found out what was going on.

moondog · 13/12/2005 11:18

Gosh coldit!z.
What a rollercoaster!
At least you know know the truth and he seems to have admitted to himself (as much as to you) that there is a big problem.

Wishing you all strength to work through this one.

XXX

LIZS · 13/12/2005 11:25

Colditz , I'm glad you've got an answer. it is defintiely a step forward. However if he has been doing this at work then surely that temptation remains ? I take it Provident is one of the less cautious companies as regards loans - do you know the details of it and how much he /you will have to replay them ? Think you really need him to come completely clean over this, perhaps with the help from CAB or a debt counsellor, or you'll never be able to trust him fully again.

NotQuiteCockney · 13/12/2005 11:32

Oh, I'm glad you finally found out what was up!

I can totally understand how people can get hooked on these things. My Dad gambles (although I don't think he spends money he doesn't have), so I don't ever ever gamble. Not even the lottery.

Gambling is addictive, even for rats. That's just how it works.

HRHQueenOfQuelNoel · 13/12/2005 14:33

The GA website has a very good guide to read (it's PDF so you need Adobe) on click on download or read now

ParrupupumScum · 13/12/2005 15:08

Just caught up with your story, colditz. Well done on getting some answers. I really hope this will mark the first step for you on the road towards regaining your self-confidence and happiness in all sorts of ways. Sounds like things have been pretty rough across the board recently but you are taking control of your life in a pretty damn inspiring way, imo. I hope dp is overawed by your example and does the same and that you all live happily ever after! But in the meantime, lots of admiration to you for moving things forward. And maybe both try to step back a bit now and have a lovely Christmas. New Year is a always a good time for new challenges.

alicatsg · 13/12/2005 15:39

Colditz - its great that you're getting answers and that you got through to him but .. word of caution. HE has to sort himself out, not you. Don't let the tears trick you into taking care of him, he got into this and he has to get out of it himself, yes with your support, or its too easy to slip back to the old behaviour. Sorry to be more cautious but I've been in similar situations with my mother and honestly, the best, most responsible thing you can do is not take charge of this for him.

Good luck, I think you've shown remarkable persistence.

HRHQueenOfQuelNoel · 13/12/2005 15:42

no I disagree you must help him take charge of it - by getting him to agree to you controlling his card and his salary.

I wanted to stop for a long time before I finally told DH - and if he'd just sat there and said "I'll support you" but didn't actually do anything for me then I probably would have continued.

feastofsteven · 13/12/2005 17:41

agree with QofQ. It's one thing if he fritters away his "pocket money" on fruit machines (i.e. money that is not required for food, bills, mortgage, rent etc) but Colditz cannnot risk her home again! Agree that Colditz has to take over the finances and DPs money atm.

feastofsteven · 13/12/2005 17:41

thebecster · 14/12/2005 15:46

I agree colditz - you need control of all finances, if only for your own peace of mind. But I also agree that it isn't your responsibility to make him better - he has to do it himself, but with lots of practical support from you. I really agree with the recommendations that he goes to GA, and maybe DA as well (debtor's anonymous - it often goes hand in hand). I've been in AA for nearly 10 years now myself, and would never have got sober without the program & my fellow AAs to lean on. When he's feeling guilty & low he's very vulnerable to a relapse (speaking from my own experience) and the support of a homegroup, a sponsor & a program can make the difference. You can still support him even when he's getting help elsewhere - giving him a lift to a GA meeting, making sure you don't schedule a social event that clashes with his GA homegroup, and putting up with him going on and on endlessly about the program when he first goes (newbies always get a bit obsessive when they're first in a 12 step program, to the point of being really boring!). Hope all gets better from here on in.

alicatsg · 14/12/2005 15:56

take over the money sure - but tears etc? sounds suspiciously like he's taking the little boy route and wants Colditz to take responsibility and make his problems disappear. They won't unless he takes responsibility for himself.

sorry to be ranty but I've been here too often in the past to cut him much slack.

Original poster

colditz · 15/12/2005 00:16

I ain't taking over his finances. Have decided if I do that, he will have no qualms about leaving me to organise all the bills, rent, shopping straight after having a baby. But I am going to leave him if he does this again.

I have always threatened to kick him out, he has always refused to go, and there is nothing I can do to make him go, but...

I can leave him and take the boy(s in April) with me. Not ideal from my housing point of view, but he knows I can do it, unlike me trying to kick him out.

Other than that, I am lost. I have no idea what else to do tp make sure he doesn't do this to me again.

OP posts:

Original poster

colditz · 15/12/2005 11:35

Have just closed his paypal account, he knows, but didn't agree. He says now he wants as much access to my details as I have to his.

I don't agree with this. I have never done anything wrong, or secretive, with money, but he is now saying he wants my MN and MSM password.

I did look in one of his email accounts today, tht he opened about the time all this started, and found confirmation of a DD going to his paypal account. Which he hasn't told me. I told him i was doing it though, and I don't want to read his corrospondance, I just want to know what he is up to financially. And he was up to something.

It's not that I mind him reading my stuff as such, it's because to me keeping things private is a priveledge you lose when you lie, but I haven't lied, gambled, cheated, overspent or concealed outgoing money, so why should I hand my details over? I have don't nothing wrong. I put a lot more into the pot than I take out of it, he put's in a lot less, but we earn the same, why should I be treated as if I have done something as wrong as he has done?

OP posts:

Caligyulea · 15/12/2005 11:38

Colditz, sounds heartless, but what you can do to make him leave if he won't go, is wait till he's out, get the locks changed, pack a bag for him and leave it outside. Refuse to let him back in and threaten to call the police if he tries to break in.

He'll get the message.

feastofsteven · 15/12/2005 11:42

hmmmmm sounds liike he is doing attack as the best form of defence to me; i.e. rather than making a concrete attempt to show you what he is going to do to resolve his addiction, he is turning things back around on you. You really don't deserve this sort of treatment. Don't let him anywhere near any details of how to access your accounts.

Epiffany · 15/12/2005 11:44

hey
He is the one who has been dishonest and secretive, he is acting like a child therefore you are forced to treat him like one.
Tell him if he wants the relationship to succeed, then he must agree.
I say this assuming this is how you feel
I am also with you in not being able to baby someone, ffs this is your partner, father of our kids, it's enough without having to mother him as well.
Colditz how are you feeling about the relationship as a whole now?

Original poster

colditz · 15/12/2005 11:45

Caligula, I am pretty sure that that is a breach of my tenancy agreement.

Also I am not sure I have the balls to go through with it. I seem to have used every ounce of testicle I have to keep going with this, usually I scream for a bit then it all goes back to normal. I find long campaigns exhausting, I don't understand how people can sulk.

OP posts:

NutcrackingXmas · 15/12/2005 11:46

Colditz, I have complete access to everything of Dp's. He doesn't agree with it either but it is a condition of our relationship.
I open all his mail, read his emails etc.

I don't actually like doing it, but don't feel I have a choice.

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