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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he has done it again, I do not believe he has done it again!

211 replies

colditz · 06/12/2005 13:59

My partner has got us (joint tenancy) into £500 debt, with rent arrears, and today I was served with a notice of intention to seek possession.

I knew nothing about this!!!!! Basically he has been paying the rent at a rate of £70 per month since October. I first found this out today, when the notice with my name only on it was given to my partner. Had I not physically snatched it outof his hand, I would still be none the wiser now.

so now I have to find £500. I am so shocked and angry that he has done this to me again, he swears he just forgot, but to me that makes it even worse. How can you 'forget' that you owe a Housing Association £70 per week?

I have told him I want him to leave, he says no. That's it really, he says no. I can't physically make him, I don't know what to do. If I pay this rent, I will always pay the rent, which means I am paying for everything.

has anyone got any ideas? I am 22 weeks pregnant, and wishing, sadly, that I had never bloody met him, or had left him the minute ds was born. He has dragged my name with his into court so many times I am ashamed. They didn't even know who I was before I got involved with him, I am always so careful to keep things in seperate names, but the council tax and rent are the 2 things that I had no choice about. Either his name went on it, or they wouldn't lease me a property.

I don't even know where I stand legally. And anyone who has read my posts on debt subjects before willl know that this is the ultimate betrayal to me, I really would rather he had had a one night stand. I would understand that, at least.

I am so sad and so angry, I have screamed at him in front of ds (who only sees me shouting at his daddy)

OP posts:
foxinsocks · 06/12/2005 14:49

I think you have to decide then whether you can put up with nagging him every month to pay it - you'll need to mark a day off on the calendar every month and if necessary, drive him to the post office to get him to do it.

I can't believe an adult could be so laissez-faire about paying important bills - absentmindedness is one thing but it sounds like he is doing this deliberately almost as if 'I'm my own boss, nobody else can tell me what to do' type thing.

Bugsy2 · 06/12/2005 14:50

colditz, it does sound as though he is an asset to your life, apart from his inability to deal with money. However, not paying the rent which keeps you in a home, is very, very serious and by not telling you, it is also a deception or lie of omission.
Can you say to him that this must never happen again & you need to know that it won't and then explain to him how the finances will work from now on. Surely you can afford to be a bit tough, as it doesn't sound as though he will want to lose you either.

HRHQueenOfQuelNoel · 06/12/2005 14:53

oh god Colditz - don't know what to say really - just wanted you to know I was thinking of you

HRHQueenOfQuelNoel · 06/12/2005 14:58

Just having read the thread fully - I'd can't even imagine not knowing the rent hadn't been paid.

as you know we're behind on bills and mortgage payments etc etc, however, the big difference between us and you is that DH has kept me fully informed, every missed payment, every payment due, every business creditor who has said we don't need to pay the rest of the money we owed them, etc etc - I know about them all.

philippat · 06/12/2005 15:12

It sounds like your reaction to him being crap with £ is to yell and threaten?

Might that be the reason he gets defensive and says no, refusing to give you control?

If you sit him down and tell him all his positive attributes and how much he is an asset in your life... BUT he needs to find a solution to the budgeting (and then talk through to find a solution together), would that help?

It just seems daft to be on the brink of splitting up when actually that's not the problem at all - and it might be making him so anxious he can't concentrate on the real problem?

Simone3 · 06/12/2005 15:15

I know it is a bit complicated, but how about a standing order from his bank account to yours on the day after he is paid, for the full amount of the rent (eg for the month). Then do a direct debit from your account to the HA.

That way it would all get paid, and since the rent money would only be in his account for 24hours he wouldn't have time to spend it. Also, you aren't taking the control of his money out of his hands; you are just acting as a conduit for the rent. As a nice side effect, you will be making sure that the rent gets paid, and it is no extra work for you once it is all set up.

dot1 · 06/12/2005 15:24

Hi Colditz - I don't know the history or anything - just what's on this thread. I know you've said you don't want to leave him, but it sounds like he needs a bit of a shock - is there anyone you and your ds can go and stay with for a few days/couple of weeks? Just to show him how serious this is? You'll come back on the condition that all money goes into and out of your account for the next year in the first instance, and then your dp can start to have some control back?

Tortington · 06/12/2005 15:41

i dont understand why he wont let you sort it out - why can't he give you the money for the bills that need to be paid each month - then you pay them - then they will be paid

its paternalistic - he should fking well wake up and do it himself quite frankly - but seeing as he isn't going to then why the objection to letting you sort it out?

where is the money going? where is the £500 that should have been paid?

he might be nice kind and good - but this is a pisstake - he could have rendered you all homeless and he would have still been a nice person.

no am sorry its unforgivable in my eyes. always pay the rent - always have a roof - if nothing else have a roof - thats what my nan always says to me.

no one can take your tenancy away but you.

he can take himself off the tenancy. in fact i would quite insist on it - if he's not leaving i would insist he takes his name off the tenancy.

it doesn't matter how nice he is - he nearly made your children and you homeless.

can you ring the housing association and ask they send a statement to another address - your mums address for instance - they can be really quite aimiable when you want to do everything to pay the rent.

that way you will get a letter of your own about the rent.

if my husband fucked up this monumentally - i would wait til he was asleep and i would destroy his cards.

at this point i would also have a secret bank account with a regular small amount going in - so that in 3 years time when your completely fucked off with his childish selfish fuckwittedness you will have the deposit for somewhere else to rent.

PottyinaPearTree · 06/12/2005 15:46

colditz - I agree with custy, whose posts always have me nodding in agreement.

He might be a good bloke but to risk putting his family on the street is unforgiveable.

expatinscotland · 06/12/2005 15:46

Amen, custardo!

Honestly, this man is about to be a dad and he 'forgets' something like rent?!

C'mon, ffs! My husband is younger than I am - he was 25 when DD was born, but he was responsible enough to know that rent and council tax come first. Before you buy ANYTHING else. That's just common sense.

expatinscotland · 06/12/2005 15:47

What is he spending the money on?

Bugsy2 · 06/12/2005 15:50

custardo's idea of having the rent statement sent somewhere else is very sensible. Although having said that, it would be better to get some kind of financial trust between the two of you. By that, I mean him proving to you that he can be trusted!!!

Tinselmum · 06/12/2005 15:53

Colditz sorry to read this thread. Can you speak to your housing officer and ask them to call you if arrears arise again? Could you maybe have a meeting with them and your dp so that he understands the consequences of not paying the rent?
Hope you sort it out, take care of yourself and try not to get too stressed. It sounds like your dp has some great aspects to him but paying the bills aint one of them. How about getting his salary paid into a joint account (but keep your money seperate and don't have an overdraft facility on this account),

HRHQueenOfQuelNoel · 06/12/2005 16:03

Colditz - I just had a thought - are you absolutely certain he doesn't gamble??

The reason I ask is because about 2yrs ago (long before our money troubles started) I started gambling (online) a lot, and lost loads of money - thankfully money we were able to replace - but it wasn't easy. It went on for about 1 1/2yrs - and DH didn't know a thing about it. Sometimes when it was time to do the weekly shopping I'd 'bluff' saying the timing was really bad as X money was due in x days, but there wasn't enough for the shop - and he always fell for it - there was always just enough to pay him back the money - and do the following weeks shopping without him suspecting a thing.

Original poster
colditz · 06/12/2005 23:18

He is now sleeping the sleep of the diazepamed-up-to-the-eyeballs.

he bloody deserves it. Bang goes the Christmas fund.

OP posts:
Original poster
colditz · 07/12/2005 10:55

He is now begging for another chance.

And I have said no. This really was his last chance. I am so suspicious as to why he is so relustant to hand his bank card over.

I have taken Custardo's advice, issued an ultimatum of bank cards or leave, and arranged to have a statement sent to my mum's address.

OP posts:
Bugsy2 · 07/12/2005 11:09

Good for you Colditz. If he is begging for another chance, then he doesn't want to lose you. Stick to your ultimatum, if you weaken then it could happen again.
You can do it - your home is much too important to put at risk ever again.

doormat · 07/12/2005 11:13

colditz missed this thread
hope you can get this sorted out
xxx

CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell · 07/12/2005 11:36

I think he has a few skeletons in his closet that are about to be found out! Hope he comes clean before you find out by yourself!

Original poster
colditz · 07/12/2005 11:59

he won't let me have his bank card, he won't let me have access to his account.

I don't know what to do.

I have phoned the HA and arranged a payment agreement, but I don't know where to go from here.

I actually have nowhere to go. There is no room at my mums. CAB is shut.

OP posts:
doormat · 07/12/2005 12:09

demand £70 plus payment agreement on top off him every week
also other bills he is supposed to be paying and get cash in hand off him so you pay the bills directly

issue ultimatum that if he doesnt
he will be out
that very week
as he doesnt accept responsibility

Bugsy2 · 07/12/2005 12:14

It is so hard but I think you have to be firm about this. He risked you and your child's security and home - it just isn't on. He must give you his share of the rent, if he can't be trusted to pay it himself. If he has nothing to hide, why won't he show you his bank details? I know men can be very defensive about this sort of stuff, but it really is an all or nothing situation now. He has to see how important the security of a home is to you.

CliffRichardSucksEggsinHell · 07/12/2005 12:17

Ok, so phone HA again and see if you can get the joint tenancy changed. Explain the situation to them, so long as they will get the rent paid they should be ok with it, after all it will be more hassle for them to start recovery proceedings than it would be to award you single tenancy from now on.

Throw him out. He is hiding things from you, you don't know where all the money has gone and he is not prepared to tell you. He cannot be trusted. He is putting you and your kids in financial risk. You have to get him out of there, the HA have to help.

LadySherlockofLGJ · 07/12/2005 12:18

I have been thinking about this overnight, are you absolutley sure he is not gambling. ??

I agree with Cliff, there is a skeleton somewhere, and if you are to move forward and remain as a family unit,he needs to GROW UP and face his responsibilities for once and for all.

ImSendingChristmasToYoudiva4mg · 07/12/2005 12:21

Jesus christ, I'm stunned.
Do you know where he keeps his bank statements?
I'd be ripping the house to bits to find them so I can see what he's hiding from me.

Sorry colditz, but IMO there must be something he's hiding from you.