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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

he has done it again, I do not believe he has done it again!

211 replies

colditz · 06/12/2005 13:59

My partner has got us (joint tenancy) into £500 debt, with rent arrears, and today I was served with a notice of intention to seek possession.

I knew nothing about this!!!!! Basically he has been paying the rent at a rate of £70 per month since October. I first found this out today, when the notice with my name only on it was given to my partner. Had I not physically snatched it outof his hand, I would still be none the wiser now.

so now I have to find £500. I am so shocked and angry that he has done this to me again, he swears he just forgot, but to me that makes it even worse. How can you 'forget' that you owe a Housing Association £70 per week?

I have told him I want him to leave, he says no. That's it really, he says no. I can't physically make him, I don't know what to do. If I pay this rent, I will always pay the rent, which means I am paying for everything.

has anyone got any ideas? I am 22 weeks pregnant, and wishing, sadly, that I had never bloody met him, or had left him the minute ds was born. He has dragged my name with his into court so many times I am ashamed. They didn't even know who I was before I got involved with him, I am always so careful to keep things in seperate names, but the council tax and rent are the 2 things that I had no choice about. Either his name went on it, or they wouldn't lease me a property.

I don't even know where I stand legally. And anyone who has read my posts on debt subjects before willl know that this is the ultimate betrayal to me, I really would rather he had had a one night stand. I would understand that, at least.

I am so sad and so angry, I have screamed at him in front of ds (who only sees me shouting at his daddy)

OP posts:
expatinscotland · 07/12/2005 14:32

'He says he genuinely doesn't know where his money goes, but is prepared to lose his family to avoid disclosing his account details.'

That says it all right there. This isn't about money. It's about living w/the constant threat of homelessness b/c of a man who obviously doesn't care enough about YOU or his unborn child to ensure you're never w/o a roof over your head.

'Good father'? A good father puts his kids first. ALWAYS. He ALWAYS has their interests above his own. That's what it's about.

DTMFA. Dump the mutha f*cka already.

Sorry to be harsh, but being homeless SUX badly enough when you're on your own. Yes, I have been there. But with a child and 5 months pregnant as well in British winter?

I don't think so.

expatinscotland · 07/12/2005 14:35

So he's accusing you of wanting to end the relationship? Well, I'd accuse him of dishonesty and not giving a toss. B/c that's the truth.

HarkTheHerpesAIMSMUMsings · 07/12/2005 14:36

Your life wouldn't be a lot harder, as you would have security. Honestly, I have been there.

As a lone parent you would be entitled to free childcare for your ds when you are at work through WFTC.

Original poster
colditz · 07/12/2005 14:37

Oh God, MI, that is how I feel a lot of the time. Half of me is feeling it's my fault because I should never have given him the responsiblity to pay the rent in the first place. And also, if we do lose this house, half of that will be my fault for not leaving him 3 years ago when he fist started mucking about with money, and letting ds get attached to him.

I've got a horrible foreboding feeling that I am going to fall on my arse with this one, no matter how I play it.

OP posts:
Original poster
colditz · 07/12/2005 14:42

But I have this little 19 year old feminist ranting away inside me, the one that didn't get bogged down with never ending bills and housework, screaming in my ear "You don't have to put up with this!"

It's making me hate what a bloody doormat I've become TBH.

OP posts:
Kathlean · 07/12/2005 14:45

You've been putting up with this for 3 years! I was going to ask you what the line was? What would be the last straw?

Will you stay with him when you have no money left and ARE homeless?

Because if you continue to pay off debts he runs up then one day you will have no money to pay essentials and then what will you do?

HarkTheHerpesAIMSMUMsings · 07/12/2005 14:45

You don't have to put up with it. It is hell, and a stress that you could really do without!

vitomum · 07/12/2005 15:06

not had time to read the whole thraed so not sure if you have negotiated a repayment arrangement with the HA. If the case goes to Court it is unlikely that they would an eviction order on that amount BUT this is only if you get solicitor representation at court (you may get legal aid for thsi too). You should contact Shelter (their website is good) about this. They can provide representation and also advice on your other housing options if you are thinking this may be the end of the relationship. Good luck

MascaraOHara · 07/12/2005 15:08

Colditz - you always sound so strong on here whenever I read your posts. I know it's not the same when it happens to you but.. What advice would you be giving now if it were somebody else who had started the thread?

noddyholder · 07/12/2005 15:21

Colditz it is not right that you can't rely on him to just pay it Why is he hiding his finances?

LoveMyGirls · 07/12/2005 16:55

i thought being in a relationship was about being together, doing things together, sharing and helping each other out seems someone forgot to tell your dp about this!

i really feel for you, sounds like your dp works nights? if he looks after ds in the day is that right - otherwise i would say make him get a evening/ weekend job to pay for the £500 he's just cost you and also to help pay for the baby he helped to create.

im not sure if you should leave him it doesnt sound like you want to but i think def make him suffer then take him to counselling so he can sort out his money issues.

my dp and i have always shared what we have got if i ask for his bank card cause its got more cash than mine he gives it to me without any hesitation and i can spend what i know we can afford - which is hardly anything but at least he gives it to me willingly!

good luck hun

Original poster
colditz · 07/12/2005 23:23

He works days and I work evenings, but has just injured his back, so he won't be going to worked for at least 2 weeks, hence he won't be getting paid for at least two weeks, which means I have to float the house on my own, and make sure he is in a fit state (painkillers) to look after ds while I go to work, and do all the housework which he can't physically do.

I feel like electrocuting him for this. He is lying on the sofa, sleeping with Prince Valium, and I am the one left feeling physically sick with worry. He has made me feel quite murderous.

OP posts:
moondog · 07/12/2005 23:25

Does he just point black refuse to let you see his financial stuff? if so,how does he justify it?
Can he not see that it is an intolerable state of affairs???

feastofsteven · 07/12/2005 23:28

I shouldn't really be saying this, but why not take the chance to check his bank statements now while he's asleep to find out what on earth is going on. How are you anyway? Are you feeling a bit better with your tummy bug today?

Original poster
colditz · 07/12/2005 23:34

I have seen his bank statements, but it is just withdrawel after withdrawel. We pay cash for everything. It doesn't tell me what he is spending the money on, only that he is spending it.

To be honest, he regularly loses his bank statements, and I mean really loses, not hides, because it is only me who bothers putting anything anywhere safe.

It almost feels like he hurt his back on purpose, as he is in so much genuine pain I don't know how to broach the subject.

OP posts:
Original poster
colditz · 07/12/2005 23:34

Yes a bit better with the foul bug now, thank goodness.

OP posts:
Original poster
colditz · 07/12/2005 23:36

I don't know what he can or can't see, to be honest, he just refuses point blank to talk about it.

He is making me shake to be in the same room as him.

I feel so sorry for my ds, he just wants me to shut up and leave daddy alone.

OP posts:
moondog · 07/12/2005 23:38

Doesn't he even try to offer an excuse.
Can he understand your anger??

You don't think he's being blackmailed do you?

Have you tried to tell him that no matter how awful it is you will still love him??

Original poster
colditz · 07/12/2005 23:45

His textbook answer to everything I ask about where his money goes is NO

So when I ask where it goes, he just says he doesn't know. I honestly don't think he cares either.

OP posts:
moondog · 07/12/2005 23:48

I just can't reconcile your description of him as a basically good bloke with this lack of concern. It sounds sociopathic tbh....

Original poster
colditz · 07/12/2005 23:49

he knows I am angry, he seems ashamed of himself, but I have done all this before with him.

It's embarrassing to admit, but the money I coughed up today was November's paycheck and the child benefit. It is a huge amount of money to me.

I can't see how he is being blackmailed, i would rather find out he has had a one night stand than find out he is giving money away.

OP posts:
Original poster
colditz · 07/12/2005 23:50

To be honest, I want to leave him now, but ds really would be devstated. He adores his daddy, as dp takes half the childcare and is good at it.

OP posts:
moondog · 07/12/2005 23:52

He can't care that much or he wouldn't jeapordise the child's future like this... (sorry,know we're going in circles here but it is outrageous.)

ParrupupumScum · 07/12/2005 23:55

Just read this and it sounds utterly awful, Colditz. Really sorry you're going through this.

Caligyulea · 08/12/2005 00:01

Oh Colditz I'm so sorry to read this. I've been in this movie too.

I went through exactly this when I split up with my xp. It wasn't rent, it was something else - but basically it was all about him taking personal responsibility for his and our finances and being unable to do so. And therefore, not being able to function as a fully-fledged partner. I realised that if I gave him yet another chance, he would f*k it up again, and the next one, and the one after that. And that our lives would simply get worse together. Whereas apart, there was some chance my life would get better and so would my child's.

I had a very strong vision of sitting at our table in the future having the same despairing, incredulous, outraged conversations with him, with the only difference of being five or ten or fifteen years older, angrier and sadder. And I just didn't want my life to be like that.

Has he had counselling about this problem?

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