he has done it again, I do not believe he has done it again!

[colditz]

My partner has got us (joint tenancy) into £500 debt, with rent arrears, and today I was served with a notice of intention to seek possession.

I knew nothing about this!!!!! Basically he has been paying the rent at a rate of £70 per month since October. I first found this out today, when the notice with my name only on it was given to my partner. Had I not physically snatched it outof his hand, I would still be none the wiser now.

so now I have to find £500. I am so shocked and angry that he has done this to me again, he swears he just forgot, but to me that makes it even worse. How can you 'forget' that you owe a Housing Association £70 per week?

I have told him I want him to leave, he says no. That's it really, he says no. I can't physically make him, I don't know what to do. If I pay this rent, I will always pay the rent, which means I am paying for everything.

has anyone got any ideas? I am 22 weeks pregnant, and wishing, sadly, that I had never bloody met him, or had left him the minute ds was born. He has dragged my name with his into court so many times I am ashamed. They didn't even know who I was before I got involved with him, I am always so careful to keep things in seperate names, but the council tax and rent are the 2 things that I had no choice about. Either his name went on it, or they wouldn't lease me a property.

I don't even know where I stand legally. And anyone who has read my posts on debt subjects before willl know that this is the ultimate betrayal to me, I really would rather he had had a one night stand. I would understand that, at least.

I am so sad and so angry, I have screamed at him in front of ds (who only sees me shouting at his daddy)

Colditz don't blame yourself for being a control freak. It's one of the reasons he's with you - because he wants to abdicate his responsibility to someone who will take on the responsibility for him. And of course, his refusal to take control of his life, means you have to.

But at some stage, you get fed up with having to be in control of another adult's life, as well as your own and your children. It's too heavy a burden to carry for some people. It was for me and it sounds like it is for you.

My xp managed to spend about £700 a month on CD's, books, and booze. It took me a couple of years to find out, because he regularly hid my bank statements from me. Hence online banking.

Don't feel guilty about looking at his accounts. Your financial survival's at stake.

Colditz, I haven't read the whole thread, and I am so sorry for you going through this but I just wanted to say that I'm hopeless with money and will spend masses even when I know I shouldn't. My DH on the other hand is ultra careful (not mean, though) so he looks after our finances. The reason I'm tellling you this is that I did, in the past, take out two small loans to cover what I'd spent and then paid them back so that he didn't find out - not behaviour I'm proud of, and my DH's point that we're a partnership and that kind of behaviour undermines it is absolutely right but I just wanted to say that it doesn't necessarily have to mean that your DH has another family, or a terrible secret. But total financial openess is really the only way ahead, certainly for me and DH.

Result.

I got in from visting a friend last night, and deciced I wouldn't rest until I had gotten to the bottom of this, so I nagged and nagged and nagged...

For 6 hours. I threw the laptop out into the middle of the road (it was gone half an hour later) because he wouldn't tell me who he was selling it for, so I asked him if it was stolen, he stonewalled me, so out it went.

the after the millianth time of me asking him why he thinks it is ok for me to compromise my life and financial safety staying with him, I cracked, sobbed uncontrollably for 15 minutes, then started packing mine and ds's stuff into a bag, and packing it onto the pushchair.

And he burst into tears, for about the first time ever, and told me he had been spending the money on fruit machines at work (he works in a pub), and not just that, but the money he has given me towards rent was a loan he got from provident last week, and on and on ..... he produced Novembers bank statement, he frittered £580 out of £740.

so, I may not know what to do still, but at least I know what I'm not doing it about.

Oh, and the reason he refused to tell me was because he was ashamed of himself, having always proclaimed loudly and at length what a waste of time and money the machines are, and what an idiot you would have to be to use them.

So sorry to read this thread. My sister went through something similar, except her exh was an alcoholic. He'd always insisted that she didn't work, and he just gave her housekeeping so she had no idea what was happening to their finances until she accidentally opened a letter from the bank with a final warning that they were going to foreclose, repossess the house. My sister is a really intelligent person, she just gradually got accustomed to his behaviour. The deterioration was quite gradual, and she got used to making more & more compromises. When they eventually split he left her with all the debt. I paid her mortgage for 2 years so she & the kids wouldn't be homeless. (He's never paid a penny in Child Support, although he goes on and on about how much he loves his kids). I'm still angry with my ex-broinlaw about it - I don't begrudge my sister the money at all, but I regret that my dh and I can't afford to put a deposit on a house 'cos I spent all my spare money... But enough about me. Don't let him project his guilt onto you. You've got a right to be angry, you've got a right to be told the absolute truth by your partner, you've got a right to expect him to behave with integrity towards you. I understand that he has feelings of love towards you & your son. But feelings of love aren't real. Love is ONLY what you do, not what you feel - only actions count. Feelings are completely useless. His actions aren't loving, they're making you miserable, and putting your son's security at risk. I hope good things happen for you soon, I felt so sad for you reading your story.

I think that's a real step forward - at least you know what you're dealing with now! good luck - I hope you manage to work it out.

well done colditz, I think that was the right thing to do to bring it to a head
poor you to have to go through that though
how are you feeling today?

Colditz, here's a link for gamblers anonymous

Glad you have finally got some answers.

can only echo what everyone has said colditz
at least you have some answers
and can only build from them
good luck
xxx

I am really glad for you that you have some answers if not reolution.

Many comments here resounding in my ears and i think you shouls take heed too. Even though he has admitted it and finally decided to trust you with his honesty, look at what it took.

Who wants to have to turn into a lap top throwing (me curtain pole weilding) wailing banshee just to get a bit of truth and transparency in a relationship, never mind respect.

Maybe glow in the aftermath of his admission (a positive thing) to see you through Christmas and enjoy it with each other, but I'd start asking some serious questions about the future after that. I know Christmas matters not a jot in the grand sheme of things but I also know how much the thought of a lonely Christmas hurts and becomes such a focus if it is in danger of becoming a reality.

Good Luck in finding that resolution.

good luck Colditz,
well done for standing fast last night
like every one here, you are in my thoughts

Sorry for your dp. Hope you are coping, you are doing right by your family by taking the lead, keep going.
You can get through this.

Colditz, so sorry to hear this, but as I said way down the thread, my Xp was a gambler and your post rang so many bells for me.

I lived with XP through his problems for 7 years and it is bloddy hard, to get through it you will have to get him to agree to hand over all money control to you, or there is no way you will be able to move forward.

If you want to cat me or talk about it more, feel free. My xp was gambling around £500-£100 per week at points! It really is a horrible horrible thing to live with, but can be overcome.

Good luck

Colditz - Gamblers Anonymous have a website and info to support relatives of gamblers which you might find useful:-

www.gamanon.org.uk/

At least you've got some answers now. I hope that your partner is now at a point where he will face up to his problems and allow you to control the family finances.

Colditz, have been thinking aout you lots this weekend.
You pushed the right buttons, now at least you know.
Hopefully now that he has admitted this, then he will allow you to have control of the family money, and he will go and get some help for his gambling problem.
I hope this has a good ending for you.

coldita, i too had a problem with fruit machines at one point. spend all my salary hubbys too, and i had 2 lodgers at the time.

It came to a head when we were threatened with eviction and i had to confess all to hubby.

we got there in the end onoly for that twat to go do what i done only not as severe.

we both stay clear of puggy's now though

Colditz - glad you have got to the bottom of it now. Hope he can get some help and beat it.

Oh, colditz.
What a relief to finally get some answers.
I really hope that you can both get through this and enjoy christmas as a family.

xxx

FWIW, colditz (and I've read thread - just been lurking, as I had no advice to offer), I think you've been exceptionally brave in the last few days, and good for you for taking it all the way to 'crunch' time. I am glad your dp has been able to finally speak to you about this, and I hope that together you can make the necessary changes to work things out, and in the end, feel much better about your life together (physically, emotionally, financially).

Good luck.

well done colditz.

I almost laughed that he allowed something so... trivial to cause both, especially me, so much misery!

i dont understand how he has gone from never being remotely interested in the fruit machines, to spending vast amounts of money on them. Anyone have any ideas? Call me a coward, but I just don't want to raise this subject again yet at home, I have had enough misery. I want to be a little bit happy for a while.

colditz, I've been following this with much sympathy but haven't posted before. I was just wondering .. maybe like you are .. how he managed to spend quite so much on machines that take change? And that are presumably in the public area of the bar, so that he'd be visible to his workmates (and at the least come in for teasing from them) if he spent much time on them?

I was just wondering whether the fruit machines might have led onto on-line gambling, hence the laptop?

i personally think its got to do with personality - i think people have addictive personalities - my hubby is one - he does things to death - usually computer related and costing no money - but costing valuable family time.

i can easily see someone like him being around a fruit machine all day - like yours - sticking a tenner in - lasts 5 minutes - walk away - go back again with spare 5 minutes - fuck me another tenners gone - but its gonna pay its gonna pay - and it does yay! but not as much as was put in = neverthe less the cycle continues.

same for my hubby with beer - no point in having a social drink - he must drink until passed out - which i dont get.

everything to the Nth degree becuase hes a dickhead.

so the drinking is limited to occasionally, and the computer is ...shall we say ...managed/ tolerated with provisos

this is somethign you will have to manage.

colditz - I suspected as much - as I posted on the 6th December.

I was the same - also said how I couldn't understand how people could "throw" money away gambling - I don't even know how I got addicted but I did - and I lost a lot of money - DH had to help me stump up nearly £1500 to cover 'loans' I'd managed to get from relatives, and the Avon money I owed (I was a rep). (thank god that was when we still had money - and no thankfully it didn't have anything to do with our current situation).

It may sound 'trivial' - but having been on the otherside from where you are at the moment - it's really hard to explain. The more you lose, the more afraid you are to tell someone, it took an incident similar to yours (though not as bad) for me to finally have to tell DH.

He couldn't understand it - and neither can I - nearly 2yrs after. Like you DP I had accesss to his account (including credit card) - and never took anything from them at all.

In some respects, although he's probably deeply ashamed and although you don't want to raise it again you have to. - you NEED to talk to him about it.

When I finally told DH - we arranged for all of the money that had been going into my account (tax credits, child benefit and organ pay) to go into his account. - he also took my card - so that if I got any extra money - he would monitor how it was spent.

After about a year of no gambling he gave the card back to me - but still monitored closesly what I was spending.

2yrs on I've regained his trsut - and all of the money that used to be going into my account - is onece more going into my account.

I know you're probably absolutely furious with him, but he really needs your support - it's an addiction just like any other.