he has done it again, I do not believe he has done it again!

[colditz]

My partner has got us (joint tenancy) into £500 debt, with rent arrears, and today I was served with a notice of intention to seek possession.

I knew nothing about this!!!!! Basically he has been paying the rent at a rate of £70 per month since October. I first found this out today, when the notice with my name only on it was given to my partner. Had I not physically snatched it outof his hand, I would still be none the wiser now.

so now I have to find £500. I am so shocked and angry that he has done this to me again, he swears he just forgot, but to me that makes it even worse. How can you 'forget' that you owe a Housing Association £70 per week?

I have told him I want him to leave, he says no. That's it really, he says no. I can't physically make him, I don't know what to do. If I pay this rent, I will always pay the rent, which means I am paying for everything.

has anyone got any ideas? I am 22 weeks pregnant, and wishing, sadly, that I had never bloody met him, or had left him the minute ds was born. He has dragged my name with his into court so many times I am ashamed. They didn't even know who I was before I got involved with him, I am always so careful to keep things in seperate names, but the council tax and rent are the 2 things that I had no choice about. Either his name went on it, or they wouldn't lease me a property.

I don't even know where I stand legally. And anyone who has read my posts on debt subjects before willl know that this is the ultimate betrayal to me, I really would rather he had had a one night stand. I would understand that, at least.

I am so sad and so angry, I have screamed at him in front of ds (who only sees me shouting at his daddy)

Would showing him this thread be too much? I think I'd take a good long hard look at myself and not like what I saw if I read eg Custardo's post lower down, among others. It really sounds like he needs a major wake up call but that maybe this is such a loaded issue for you as a couple that it's near enough impossible for you to be the one who gets through to him. I think Relate might be a good idea, if you are both willing to give it a try.

And caligyula's post would surely give him the slap in the face he so desperately needs too.

Have just sat and read this thread out to him, word for word. He wants to go to Relate.

Finally we are going somewhere.
Thanks you lovely lot for all your support, it has honestly kept me going as I have nobody else to talk to.

Thankyou all so much

Oh well done, colditz, you star. That's such a step forward. Hope things stay on an even keel today. xxx

And, as part of the process, has he agreed to show you his bank statements? Because if he is still being cagey about them, then there is clearly no will on his part to be totally open, which, imo, is absolutely necessary for counselling to work.

Great positive step Colditz! I hope Relate help.

Agree strongly with Custardo - start a Bolt Fund.

Everyone should have one for the sense of security and independence it gives.

And for those that don't have to bolt, spend it on presies for Yourself

he has lied to me again, I think but swears he isn't lying.

Please don't crucify me, I have my reasons, but I took his card out of his wallet, went to the bank, and there is £40 in his account. He swore yesterday, when he gave me £130 that he had emptied his account.

Payday for him was yesterday. He has no other income.
This has infuriated me so much. I had my card refused at Tesco yesterday, had bought bit of shopping, and had to leave it at the til, as had no money until he gave me the £130. It's me who buys the shopping. He has nothing to buy, my card was refused but he seems to think it is ok to keep £40 to himself!

everyone is saying get out get out get out, but what if he is right? What if£40 has miraculously appeared in his account since yesterday? Can that happen?

not absolutely impossible for £40 to "land" in his account overnight - but an uptodate mini-statement should confirm this. if he won't provide you with one, then I think you have every right to be suspicious. I am so sorry that this guy has landed you in the sh$t financially.

No it cant happen and you know it cant.

It sounds very strange to me Colditz.

I really hope you are OK and that he sees sense soon.

If payday was yesterday...where is the rest of the money?

Sorry should have been clearer, it is weekly pay, and he has been off work for a while with a bad back.

Bitter lol, I suggested online banking, he told me his bank didn't allow it, so I set it all ready to go, just needed his account details, he refused to go and get it, so I went to get it, and when I got downstairs, he had not only switched off the computer, he had unplugged it too!

Guess I have my answer, but how do you remove someone from a joint tenancy household when they refuse point blank to even get off the sofa?

colditz, so sorry you are going thru all this. I don't any new advice to add but reading through your posts makes me see him as one of the many teenage boys I teach. He has a determinedly passive aggressive way of keeping in control to get what he wants out of you. I can't ever see him growing up.

It seems like he knows that if he can do this and get away with it, then you will put up with a whole lot of other naughtiness.

aka alux.

He reminds me of a teenage boy.

When I ask him why he won't give me his bank details, clear his name and let me trust him again, all he says is "It's my account"

When I ask him for reasons, he just states facts, he has never, once, in 5 years, given me a reason for any action. His automatic responses are "I don't know" and "Because I did".

ie Why didn't you tell me you weren't paying the rent?

Because I didn't.

Why do you tell me lies?

I don't/promise I won't again.

He never gives me reasons, it's as if he does things without reasons.

I am weighing up the pro's and con's of doing just that.

cons

ds has never suffered at the hands of his dad, financially because I won't let it happen but otherwise just never has, so I hate to uproot him for my sake

It's not abuse, is it? Nobody I know can house me, can't afford to house myself and ds and bump in 4 months time, and a refuge seems inappropriate, for someone who isn't actually being mistreated.

I feel like I am bailing out for my own selfish reasons.

I wouldn't be able to work, and would lose all my maternity pay because of this.

I love this man, and apart from the money we get on well.

I don't want to be on my own

I wonder if I have caused the behavior he displays, as I am controling and dictatorial at times, and can be difficult to live with.

Nobody will ever love my sons as much as he and I do, and I don't think I can bear to make them live with someone who doesn't, and I don't think I can bear to be on my own.

I will need his help with this baby

Pro

I hate myself for putting up with this treatment.

He doesn't respect me enough not to lie to me, or care that he is keeping money to himself when I have bailed him out to my severe financial detriment

If he cannot look after me when i am pregnant, he will never ever look after me.

I will know exactly what is coming in, what is going out, what is being paid or not paid, i can stop doing things if I can't afford to do them.

i hate living with someone who can still sleep at night knowing he has emptied my bank account.

Now he is asleep I have done something very very wrong and possibly fraudulent.......

In fact definately fraudulent, but I have done it now, and can't undo it.

Colditz, are you OK? I'm here for a mo, but should be in bed. Have read a bit of the thread, then saw you'd posted again.

I have registered his account online and arranged to have the password sent to my e mail.

feel so guilty now, but I was angry.

Think I will bin it when I get it.

But he was soooo reluctant to let me register it together and let me see 'in' his account I felt I had to.

No not alright, feel like I'm going to pop with rage soon

thanks though hunker.

In your situation, I'd have done the same, Colditz. I hate secretive behaviour - it's destructive, as, sadly, you know

ah colditz I am so sorry you are feeling like this
I don't have anything to ass tot he very good advice you have already received on here
you know it's not going to get better though, don't you
and you won;t ever be able to trust him
so sorry you are going through this when you are pregnant and feeling vulnerable
you should go to bed now though
and don't worry about the password thing. in the scheme of things it really doesn't matter

HCxx

i see nothing wrong with that - you do what you have to girl to keep a roof

Colditz, I really feel for you having to deal with this crap when you´re pregnant and have a son to deal with. You are right, if this is how he treats you when you are pregnant then how the hell will he behave in 5 years time?

You are bearing all the responsibility and that´s not on. You are not his mother. He needs to grow up, find some decency and respect for you. I wish you all the best, I really do.

You have been really strong and I believe you are strong enough to stand alone. Don´t waste your life with this man.

Give him a deadline to sort himself out and stick to it.

i am a newcomer to thsi thread but am intrigued as to what eh si spending it on

does he have a habit?