The Brave Babes Battle Bus - Here's To STAYING On A Sober Holiday!

[Mouseface]

Hello, I'm Mouse

I have an abusive and volatile relationship with alcohol.

This is the Brave Babes Bus, it's filled with sober, drinking and somewhere in between Babes who are all here for the journey ahead, whatever that may entail.

EVERYONE is welcome on this Bus. No-one will judge what you are going through, what you drink, what you don't or what you do.

Come take a seat.

Take a peek at the journeys so far (including the thread by JWN that started this whole journey off) HERE

i get all the benifits and im in my own house my ex dp didnt live with us so im not having to deal with all of that as well , one of the things that is realy hurting me is that my dd5 keeps asking where my exdp is and he promised me he will be here for my operation as he is my dad because i dont have one she askes for him at least 10 times aday and then crys because i dont know what to say this effects my ds as well and he gets help ( he has also been self harming again as its his way of coping ) my ex made promises to my son that he would alaways been there for him no matter what and now he has cut them both off :(

I am so sorry for you and your children Missy. We would give our kids the earth but we can't give them what they want from other people. It's harsh, I know. So your DD asks for him as she doesn't see her dad. So she's lost both of them now. Even more reason for you to be there for her. For now you will have to be everything for her. You can do this. She needs you right now to be strong for her. This is what you need to focus on when you wake up tomorrow. Make a plan. Come on here and tell us what you are going to do with your day, how you are going to manage without drinking for just one day, and let us know when you need support from us.

It's a corny old quote I know, but one that I love - "To the world you are just one person, but to one person you may be the world". And you haven't just got one little person, Missy, you have two.

that quote was lovely fairenuff and made me cry i know that im they only thing they have now its just so hard

Do you feel ready to sleep on it now Missy and then see how you feel in the morning? Have you got much planned for tomorrow? I am going shopping for school uniforms if there's anything left in the shops (I always leave it too late but hate doing 'back to school' at the begining of the holidays). In the early evening I plan to take DD to see One Day if I can get tickets (hoping everyone else will be busy watching Inbetweeners) and then back home later I will keep myself busy sewing name tags on said new uniform and I will not be drinking. That's my plan

i dont sleep well at the best of times fairenuff i dont have any plans for tomorrow all the kids school stuff is ready i need to get my dd case sorted for hospital but thats it and it and it also depends on how my ds is when he has bad days you cant do anything with him as he gets very violents and agressive so home is the safest place

What sort of time do you usually go to bed? If I don't have to get up early I am naturally an owl but I do like a lie in. It's part of my lazy nature, I'm afraid.

some nights im awake untill 2-3am and then up at 7am with the kids some times earlier my body just dosnt sem to need sleep at the moment

Most people on here agree that drinking messes with your sleep. If you stop for a reasonable length of time (within about 4-10 days I think) you start to experience good quality, refreshing sleep (provided the dcs let you of course .

Alcohol is also full of sugar of course, which we all know keeps us awake. Unless you fall into a drunken stupor - been there, done that - but that kind of sleep is horrible. I used to dream I was drinking gallons of lovely refreshing water until I woke up, dry as a done, head thumping, feeling dizzy, stumbling around looking for a glass of water to quench the thirst. It got to the point where I kept bottled water and paracetomol next to my bed. And still I didn't realise I had a problem!

YY to drink making you sleep badly - for me, it takes a week or so of no booze before I have the most blissful restful sleep ever - the kind where you wake up with a stretch and a yawn and a spring in your step, ready to face the world.

I think drunken sleep isn't actually proper sleep - something about not getting REM sleep in - and I think it only takes 2 measures or so before the alcohol affects sleep patterns (I suffer from insomnia as well, early waking in my case, so have read loads about it). And of course the need to drink water/pee constantly.

Morning everyone. I just opened my email and my friend has sent me photos of her dd all dressed up in her new school uniform and ready to start her very first day of school. What a lovely start to my day to see them .

I'm planning a very nice day. I've got a load of work to do, so I've got several of those things organised, invoices printed off, cheque book out - all ready to get cracking on those. I have a lovely friend coming over for lunch. I haven't seen him for weeks and I know that we will laugh and laugh. He has the cutest little dog too, so we will get out for a nice stroll in the middle of the day. Then this evening dp and I will watch the last episode of The Hour (please don't give any of it away of you've seen it).

Hi to missy and I hope that you managed to get some sleep. I am wondering if you have tried meditation at all (there's another thread about it in AIBU at the moment). I found that my sleep improved massively when I started meditating regularly - it was as though my brain learned how to slow down a little and stop racing around.

wantto come and tell us what your plans are for the day, could you start by writing down what you want your dp to hear from you today? Not a cringing apology perhaps but a strong determination to sort out your problems with alcohol, and a rational request for support and help - of course combined with a huge love for your daughter and a commitment to play a full and ssober part in her life.

Morning everyone, hope you all had some peaceful sleep.

missy and wantto what are your plans for the day?

wantto - how are you feeling today? I was thinking if you feel up to it maybe change your name to wanttolive? might make you feel more positive? I know its horrible when you feel that there is little to live for (have been there) but your DD is an amazing reason. As someone else put (more beautifully) you are her world. I don't want to tell you what to do but I know a few other posters changed their name to something more positive and it helped mark a new start for them.

venus you sound very organised and I think your day sounds wonderful.

I have a big day today. Big meeting (on phone) at 9am, then work, out to meet two lovely friends for lunch in London (already told them I am not drinking), back to get DD from nursery and out at night when she is in bed. I don't know if I will drink or not but I am determined to keep to my diet so if I do it will only be a couple.

isindie day 6 - yay!!

re- read my post to wantto and it sounds very bossy - didn't mean to, am v sorry, I just thought that maybe if you see the name every time you post it might reinforce the wrong message.

anyway on a lighter note I thought this text exchange might resonate with many of you. It made me laugh fortunately.
Gee : how are you, been meaning to invite you down
Uncle Gee : would be great, how are things with you. how are you feeling now?
Gee: gettting worse unfortunately, diagnosed with mild depression / severe anxiety
Uncle Gee : that is great, glad you are doing better

Almost every exchange with my family is like this! At least on text you don't feel - its just very clear that the other person isn't listening!

saf I spend part of my working day editing other people's waffle to something concise without them thinking anything has been cut out.

I still waffle myself though. x

I will have all day to think about it but you summed it up for me in the last paragraph. I hate myself still. I need to see this doctor and my baby.then I need to get back to my own house. I will take rehab when offered but I feel so so low today. I'm dreading tomorrow but so want to see my baby.

I will have all day to think about it but you summed it up for me in the last paragraph. I hate myself still. I need to see this doctor and my baby.then I need to get back to my own house. I will take rehab when offered but I feel so so low today. I'm dreading tomorrow but so want to see my baby.

wantto - how about wanttowantto so that you are on the track but not there. you can save the positive one for that day in the future when you wake up and am sure of your path.

Focus on getting through today so that when you see DP and DD tmrw you can tell them that you are doing your best. Work out how you will set out your plan for DP. 90 meetings in 90 days or rehab or whatever it takes. I know that you feel low but yesterday you took a brave step in posting here. You did that - you made a positive choice. You also rang your GP, you arranged to see DD. All of these things are steps towards changing things. Today will be a couple more steps.

I just don't know how to get through today! Suicidal thoughts are racing through my brain. I will go crazy locked in this house. Drink is far far from my mind.I feel I have no control over my recovery. I was thinking of writing a letter so dp could read it.I wish I had his support. I have blown all my chances. Tears are flowing

Or maybe just change it to wantto as that is what we're all calling you anyway. I agree with MsGee. You are doing great. You may not realise it but you do sound more positive already and you are taking those steps in the right direction.

Today I am going to have a bath and then go shopping. But first I am having a cup of tea

Ok you are not sounding so positive right now but try not to panic. You can keep posting here and there will be people to chat with. Writing a letter is a good idea, even if you don't send it, to get your thoughts and feelings out. Some 'huggy' babes will be along no doubt with more help for you too x

there are so many things that you cannot control now and that is very very scary. I know what it is like to feel so down but please, please if you only decide to take it one day at a time then do so.

if writing helps, then let it all out.

are there things that you think need to be addressed alongside the drinking? are the suicidal feelings due to current situation or are there other things that are bothering you?

I have an unmanageable life. Debt, ex husband and 2 beautiful children who I was seeing regularly until my fuckit moment. Pnd its all in the mix.

wantto I understand that your life feels unmanageable at the moment. But you only have to look at the thousands of threads on MN to see that there ARE ways of dealing with each and every aspect of your life. I'm guessing that at the moment you're looking at them all in one big messy pot and seeing them as all tangled up and unresolvable.

I think though, that as the days go by, you will be able to grasp hold of some of those things and start to unravel them a little. Take your drinking, for example. Yes you got completely off your face, and cocked things up. But you haven't just carried on drinking have you? That is a really good sign. You may have some alcohol problems but from what you post, you're not gagging for a drink now. That may not feel like much, but it IS good.

You say that pnd is in the mix. Are you getting any support for that? Is it helping? You do sound as though you need some help with your suicidal thoughts. Do you have the number of a helpline near you? They are there to listen. No problem is to big or too small for people at the end of the line. No person is too important or too worthless for them. If you're going crazy locked in the house, then call someone. Talk.

And I'd say yes, yes, yes to writing things down. Could I suggest you have 2 pieces of paper, for every negative thought you have, try and and find another way of describing it. For example, instead of writing "I feel suicidal", could you write instead, my baby daughter gives me a reason to live? Instead of writing about the chaos that alcohol can cause, could you write about how you have sought (and found) support though AA, by coming on here, by arranging to get antabuse. By doing that you will have a list of things that you could share with you dp.