Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 3

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

New thread - will copy our library of links in the following posts

Thank you. The thing is for so long I just presumed that our marriage was normal. That everybody felt the way I did. It's only from posting on here and finally talking to RL friends about their marriages that I have actually realised that this isn't normal.
I take it that other normal husbands don't expect their wives to check if they have their favourite foods in cupboards or see if they have run out. If DH runs out of orange juice (he's the only one who drinks it) then rather than telling me or writing it on a list I'm expected to check the fridge daily and replenish or face his sulking. So exhausting.

Good grief! A direct request for anything? < faints at the thought>

In my case the 'reasoning' went 'i never ask you to do anything for me, do i'? Subtext - because if I did then that would mean I'd made a direct request and then I'd have to return the favour'

Speaking as ex p of course.

Nevertheless, i was constantly making sure everything he liked was 'in stock', cooking without ingredients he hated, thinking so far ahead for him it was unreal and then sitting at work thinking 'hang on, i didn't buy a thing for my own lunch/other needs.

It takes up so much emotional energy and headspace to have us constantly concerned with their needs and wants there's no time or energy left to think of yourself.

For weeks after we split I'd wander around the supermarket for ages trying to remember if I liked x y or z, but I could have told anyone a long list of what HE liked.

HelpmeMN
If your D-stands-for-Dickhead-H tries throwing a packet of condoms at you again, say:

"You missed. These go in the bedside table"

And calmly put them to one side.

Anyone else want a script? I'm in the mood for some creative writing

That's weird MadameOvary, I was thinking earlier some scripts would be really useful :)

Elbow deep in cooking dinner atm (in peace, with iPod stories on, in blissful peace might I add :)) but will think of some after no doubt.

Or.., "Condoms? what are they for?"

"Oh you mean you want to have sex with ME? (additional points for snorting, and/or tears of laughter)

leave room trying to regain your breath...

"ooohh my sides, best one I heard ALL DAY! You should be on stage mate..."

Bibi... You have Elbow in your Kitchen! Fantastic

"I been workin' on a cocktail, called Grounds for Divorce.. woo-ooh-oooh-ohh--oohh-ohh-oh oh oh oh"

Baboom-tish!

here all week

Well this is getting stranger by the minute -though lol at your joke Hissy, I DID have elbow on earlier :)

< looks around for MN spycam>

excuse me :) I really am an exceedingly good cook (brag) :)

Just wanted to add that your approach of taking the slight that hurt you the most and repeating at every opportunity really stuck with me (in your case the awful made up story that you'd been committed to a mental institution)

Going back to condom throwing and others it could be used very effectively as in: you want to sleep with ME? The walking skeleton/insert other utter bullshit designed to cause maximum hurt - surely not?

No i wouldn't put you through that 'dear'

Read the last line of your post Bibi, it appears Elbow are cooking dinner for you!

I know, I know, facetiousness is not big, nor is it clever...

I know, 'twas very lolsome :) thats what i meant by good joke at the start.

Do love a bit of facetiousness, me

This will sound right up my own arse now but i think this thread deserves a bit of humour goddamit :)

One of the things I love so much about this country is the fact that even in the most dire circumstances people can find the humour somewhere and it lifts them up.

Unless Bibi is making the jokes of course.

Can't win here. So I'm always being moaned at I don't eat enough, that's why I'm so skinny. So I had dessert this evening and get "really? That's a lot of dessert. Are you sure?" but in a you greedy cow kind of tone.
So what's the recommended MN retort to that?

Bella:

Cake Fork. Forehead. Job. Done.

not a court in the land'd convict ya

AAAARGGGGGGHHHHHHH. The 'really?'. I get that the WHOLE FUCKING TIME. YES REALLY. THAT'S WHY I AM DOING IT YOU TWAT.

or 'X wants to take me out for dinner this week, is that OK with you?' (not asking permission, just checking as courteous people do) (X is female friend, when she texted to say she had news a couple of years ago, he said 'god, she can't be pregnant, it would be so unfair on the child') I get

'if that's what you really want'.

WELL OF COURSE IT IS OR I WOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING ASKED!

ahem, sorry, back to the thread.

appropriate response: 'well I feel really bad for you having to have sex with a rattling, grinning freak so I'm trying to flesh out my bones.'

Yes we should have humour. We're funny, lovely, gorgeous people.

Bella, this guy has NOOOO idea as to the support/help/nest'o'vipers you are packing.

(JOKE>>>) Tempting to bring him up to speed on stuff like this..

As in:

I am so fluffy, can't think for myself and all that, have to rely on everyone else to tell me what to do and what to say and all that...

Let me just consult the internet, Honey, wrt the dessert cos you know me.....

Oh, yeah, that's it!

They all told me to get you a one way ticket to the FAR side of Fuck, and when you get ALL the way there, to FUCK OFF SOME MORE...

:) at the cakefork, forehead.

I really liked the response Parricia Evans mentions in 'controlling people,

To every unwanted comment she simply says What? in a friendly but questioning tone of voice.

I can see this really working in RL as it's not confrontational, you're simply asking the 'asked' to clarify what they've just said to you.

Keep saying what? until the asked explains him or herself or stops commenting\asking stupid questions

I've yet to try it myself but it sounds non confrontational enough to be of use to me if i need it.

sigh, the asker, and too many uses of confrontational, sorry

um, not that funny in this case. slight excuse of being distracted by phone.

Am laughing so much here at this. Humour definately what is needed!
He's killing me right now, not literally of course but he's really pulling out the big guns. Just had
Him - (sigh) it's like in the past few months youve just given up trying
Me - I've tried to explain. I'm not happy. I find your behaviour upsetting
Him - So you're just giving up, can't be bothered to make this marriage work
Me - I'm exhausted with trying to make this marriage work
Him - but if you just tried a bit harder it might be ok
I left the room at that point for fear of what I might do. He's just called up to me to say DC are in bed we can sit down and have a nice talk. I am contemplating climbing out of bedroom window :)

The ticket, oh, the ticket :)

I want to be a professional ticket issuer person on the train to the far side of fuck when i grow up

Bibi - it will only be one way tickets you can issue though!!!

Love the emphasis on reacting to what you say:

"I find your behaviour upsetting"
"so you've just given up?"

um, given up what? trying not to find your behaviour upsetting? Yes, actually, I have, since you don't seem to give a flying fuck that it's YOUR behaviour that's upsetting ME and it's just my responsibility not to be upset. That, BABE, is why I'm completely exhausted. Because both my behaviour and my response to your behaviour are my responsibility. What exact aspect of our relationship are you, in fact, responsible for?

(endearment as pejorative is conscious not subconscious mirroring!)

god, though, this is going to be so hard. eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeek.

ps glad there is a humour source after all. I will step graciously aside, I think.

oh, and it's o'clock here.

cheers. Bibi, pass on my regards to Elbow. Tell them one day like this a year would be more than enough for most sane people in a functional relationship.