Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 3

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

New thread - will copy our library of links in the following posts

NO, leave it Bella.

He's out, he's had the idea. A decent bloke, trying to make things better would go to the supermarket, buy the picnic stuff and say, come meet us at X place, no need to bring anything, just yourself...

Detach, detach, detach.

Oh and when you have got DC to school and settled, and yourself in college, tell him it's over. PLEASE?

I will I promise. I just need to get straight, my head hurts from trying to figure everything out and selfish cow that I am I know if I make any more waves he will refuse to pay my college tuition and I have no way of paying for it myself. It's peanuts to him but for me it means the chance of a career and a life and not being just his SAHM wife forever.

Bella - categorically not. NORMAL PEOPLE DO NOT BEHAVE LIKE THIS! It is not your fault. And it is SO LOW to try and involve the kids. That makes me . I honestly believe there's a day in the future where will be all be in safe, comfortable places where we can actually relax (really, when was the last time you did that?) and worry about usual things and be off this tortuous merry-go-round. And just allowing ourselves to feel how we feel.

Sorry, mine phoned too. Misses me, doing all the shopping, doing all the cleaning. So now I feel mean too :(. Does that help?!?!

Bella, I think we can help each other as it sounds like our timing could be similar. I'm thinking definitely done by Christmas (already imagining him taking girls to his family as makes more sense, won't be a 'family' Christmas on my side as Mum's house not hygienic enough for kids, stepmum won't be up to it :( - and them all having conversations like 'but HOW can she BEAR to spend CHRISTMAS without her KIDS? What kind of a mother IS she?'). - btw, can we agree to use that as the total mindfuck emoticon? I think we need one!

When do the fees get paid? In advance? Can you tell him they have to be and arrange with the college (sure they won't mind!)

Think our timing is similar. It's like weightloss buddies :) I took an hour off yesterday to get a birthday present at shops and the whole time I felt guilty that I should be home doing stuff. I never switch off.
Fees get paid on first day, next Monday. In full for the year. I have a feeling I'm not on the home straight with that yet. Think he's planning some last act of control.

hmm, this might need a strategy. What's the current plan or has he refused to talk about it/keeps putting it off?

No it wasn't a real conversation wish it was

HelpmeMN - strategy for making sure he pays the fees or exit strategy?

just fees. for now.

Can you do my condom conversation please, MO? Or the 'tighten up, love' one? Which doesn't involve me continuing to have sex and continuing to pretend to enjoy it... WHY??

can I also ask, and this is gross - does anyone else's H have a real problem with burping and farting? He is constantly coming into a room and farting and it STINKS. I'm afraid I do react and tell him how gross it is/walk out. I feel mean because maybe he can't help it, but he could do it in another room, couldn't he?

I just have to sit and wait for him to give me the cash.
I'll tell you what you do about the condoms etc. You don't have sex anymore end of. Can't deny DH didn't deal too well with that but frankly I couldn't care less anymore. I am not a blow up doll!!! Or blow up skeleton ;)

Mine does that. Like he's proud of it. I've given up asking him to stop. He does it in bed all the time. It's not necessary is it? I mean I know it has to come out but not with the whole kind of hilarity he has about it.

SO weird, the things we have in common. I guess it is a bizarre control thing. I can control THE VERY AIR YOU BREATHE. Why do I feel mean saying that? It is more mean to contaminate someone's environment deliberately, isn't it? and it's another 'but everyone's husband farts, what's the big deal?'. NOT all the time and NOT deliberately when you've come into the room I'm in.

Can we introduce them so they can whinge to each other about their horrible heartless wives who have left for no reason whilst we go and drink cocktails and flirt with boys?

I had kind of given up sex. I ran out of pills and so stopped taking them. Hence the condom incident. I have an appointment for a coil but it might all be done by then. If we do have sex I just think about my crush .

If it's actual cash could you offer to go to the bank with him so he doesn't have to carry it around or something? Or ask for a cheque now so he doesn't have to remember it later?

Sex and farting...are any of you married to my first husband? He was fucking disgusting. He imposed his bodily functions on anyone and everyone, anytime, any where, and if it wasn't found hysterically funny, it was because his audience were miserable bastards.

He constantly bullied me into sex, I felt like a blow up doll. There is a suggestion/ joking at the time, that he laced my drinks with rohypnol. Maybe he did, maybe he didn't.. He is/was an abusive bastard.

It's only now that I can see just how abusive he was. Sexually, financially, verbally, emotionally. And how my childhood conditioned me to accept it.

He was a freak sexually, I 'm sure he saw prostitutes....he was addicted to porn, bought all kinds of "equipment" that I had no interest in. He said that he wanted to "eat my shit"

He always wanted to look at mine and ds's poos. We were not allowed to close the bathroom door when we went to the loo. He was obsessed with poo and pooing.

Took a long time to use the bathroom without anxiety after we split.

By the time we split up, I couldn't stand the sight of him, and certainly not the smell of him. The thought of him makes me feel physically sick. How I pity his current wife.

God he was revolting. BLEUGH, BLEUGH, BLEUGH.

Mine does it in the room then walks out leaving me with it. And I know it's a man thing and I have bad habits too but none that gross him out.
Sure they would get on fine, so much to talk about. About how nice they are and how they really try but it doesn't seem to work :S (because mine truly believes it me not him). I'm not doing any flirting tho, I'm off men for now :) Cocktails tho - yes please :)
Yes I've managed for almost a year thinking about mine. But now I can't think about him because of what happened. It was the only way I could get thru it.
No he wants to make me wait till the last minute. I could write the cheque myself but don't trust him not to stop it.

No it's not "a man thing". I know a lot of men who would never dream of doing that!

I think you're right about the controlling the very air that we breathe. How utterly pathetic. How revolting.

One of my first h's favourite lines was; "get me another, this one has split".

There is no response to these hideous things. It's just not worth the brain space. I suppose a referrence to his size, but that's just giving it credence by repyling isn't it?

OOh ooh! I know a response....."fuck off you abusive twat"

wow, thisishowifeel. how awful. sounds like living with a disgusting monster. 'at least' my controller was very hygienic.

ThereGoes, thanks for my hug earlier! Much appreciated. Sorry to hear about cc and Freedom Programme.

and ThisIs, that's horrific. Well done for getting rid. Where are you at now? Have you left DH2? Sorry, sometimes I can't remember who is who .

Keep feeling guilty like I should be doing some work. This IS work! This is sorting my fucking life out (or giving me the emotional equipment to do it myself). And I feel guilty that he's at home with the kids. They're his kids! I bloody love it when he goes away, wish he would do it more often.

Just made a coffee and suddenly remembered the constant wrestle over an entire decade over this simple task.

Everytime he made my coffee he wouldnt put enough coffee or milk in. Even if I happened to be standing by the kettle when he was making the drinks and asked him to put more milk in or whatever he'd argue the toss, tell me it was perfect and refuse to do what I'd asked for.

He'd then get the arse with me for having the audacity to not like what he prescribed for me.

It would leave me feeling confused and guilty everytime - and now I know why!

Bibiblocksberg - it's like you're talking about my life. His cups of tea are perfect, mine awful apparently. I don't make coffee properly either. And after 20 years I still stack the dishwasher wrongly. There is a correct way to stack it apparently (IMO a complete jumble which means half the stuff needs rewashing), he will stand and tut at the way I'm putting cups in and offer to demonstrate the right (his) way.
Sad thing is for years I actually believed this crap.

Yes, quite, about believing this crap!! Its taken til today to remember the wrangling over a hot drink - just goes to show how this stuff slips under the radar of a kind considerate person.

And the bragging about how perfect he made the drinks and then me feeling i had to agree or he'd go into a big 'you don't love me' sulk.

Oh yes, and as you say bellatrix, everything he did was perfect of course.

Mine also did the critiquing of everthing I ever cooked but when he had the very occasional go I was required to virtually hand out oscars at the dinnertable (usually for a packet mix production too)

Sigh, glad to be rid of all that shite and you can do it too!!!

Lol at the dinner table thing. Totally happens here. However DH in for a shock very soon with that. ATM I cook tea for DC at 5 then cook dinner for DH and I when he gets home. He doesn't like eating on his own. But he doesn't get in till 8.30 ish most nights. Sometimes it is 9 when we eat (and bedtime is 10!). Which is really playing havoc with my ulcer. So having checked with other friends who have DHs who work long hours it seems that most of them eat with their DC and DH has leftovers. Not a separate meal (he always wants something different). I will not have time for this with collegework so it is going to be slowcooker meals that I eat with DCs and he has his later. Think he is going to be very unhappy but I think it's reasonable.

It is isn't it???

Yes it's reasonable, with knobs on!!! You H is lucky you think of his needs at all tbh!

Know it's difficult but I hope that posting here is helping you to detach from his games, really think it's essential for you!

Oh and the really late dinners - It's his JOB you know, he can't help it - that's what i used to get when asking him to agree to let me know a time he'd be home.

And he couldn't possibly eat straight after coming home, oh no. Nowadays i truly would tell him to sort it out himself, he was big and old enough after all!