Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 3

[ItsMeAndMyPuppyNow]

New thread - will copy our library of links in the following posts

Actually, in a way, it's the little things that are the worst. Because the big, obviously bad things are easy to fight. If you turned up at your parents' with a black eye they might be shocked, but if you turn up with a gippy tummy because your food was too spicy they are more likely to think it's funny or "ah, men, cooking, what do you expect". If he locked you in the bedroom it would be a police matter, but if he sulks and whines for hours if you don't go to bed "you've got a choice, haven't you, you could have said no" (and have life being hell for weeks afterwards with more sulking and those subtle revenges you know will follow). If he slept around you would have a reason that few people would argue with to throw the bugger out. But "all" he does is be an annoying bastard, sometimes at a higher level until he can tell you're near the end of your tether, then at a lower level for a bit until you calm down and get used to it, then the subtle ramping up again. For years, and years, and years.

Justcallmebellatrix, he'll cope. I was up half the night coughing last night and eventually I fell asleep from exhaustion, still coughing I think. When he's tired enough he'll sleep. But don't even tell him that. If he tells you he can't sleep without you shrug

Annie - omg you are so right. I sometimes think if he did smack me one or admit to sleeping with someone else I would be free. And have a reason to be free. I do have a lot of RL support from friends thankfully. But my family think he is amazing. The thought of trying to explain to them that I left him because he forgot I took sugar or needed me to help him sleep or didn't like the film he chose. They just wouldn't get it. I didn't get it for years. That feeling when he was due to come home that I hadn't made everything perfect for him, that the house wasn't tidy enough, that I wasn't good enough. Nobody would get that.

I so understand that one, Bella. My mum would be exactly the same. In fact she said 'I love him because he makes you so happy' the other day - but then she's never been one let the truth get in the way of her ideas! I think most of my friends would understand, but thinking about it there's no middle ground - they'd either be 'that's been a long time coming' or 'WTF? he's so good-looking and clever and lovely and great with the kids'... 'even if he was fucking rude about my cooking that time'.

Dad's friend (the infidelity-promoting expert on abuse!) whose cottage I am in has been gradually letting slip that my dad worried that I was unhappy and unappreciated but he totally understood it was my choice and not his business to interfere - not so his wife: we ended up having a rift as she was SO hostile to him because of the way he treated me that I ended up siding with him (his ideal - we become an 'island', us against the world). I wish I could talk to Dad about it now . Especially as he ended up feeling SO guilty for going even though Mum screamed at him every night to leave - I think what he feels guilty about is that after he'd gone she asked him to give it one last try and he said no. Classic manipulation, and luckily I told him a million times he would have been crazy to say yes.

Forgot to say the other day that H 'suggested' sex on Friday by throwing a packet of condoms at me whilst I sat on the sofa. Not to hit me, to land on my lap, but still... and they say romance is dead! (It was 'funny', obviously.) Re the 'skeleton' comment, my favourite was 'tighten up, love' when DD2 was about 12mo. Er... fuck off? I just hope it hasn't made me paranoid for ever. He also used to compare my performance to ex-girlfriends and forcibly flip me over if I tried to go on top (I wasn't doing it like she used to), THEN say stuff like 'you never go on top'. And the bloody GUILT thing with sex. It just doesn't make any sense. It must surely be such an empty triumph when you guilt someone into something? It's like sulking so much about not getting invited to a party that you eventually get a pity invite - that just wouldn't be a party I would enjoy! I do worry that I'm shit in bed now, though. URGH. Guess I'll have to do a wide-ranging survey when I get out .

Sorry I'm downloading so much on this thread, and it's all really incoherent! Stepmum was hostile to H, not Dad, btw.

Not incoherent at all to me. I get it because that's the way my mind runs too.
Pity invite - exactly it. Although my DHs method of seduction is more direct. Wake me up in the night by touching me, then quickie with no touching/talking/kissing. I put a stop to that a month or so ago and since then his behaviour has got much worse. My fault obviously. And yeah I'm skinny but HTF does he know what shagging a skeleton would be like???
And oh the joys of bank holidays. an extra day of crap to put up with!

ps thank you guys, you're my company this weekend!

and does anyone else get the 'darling', 'sweetheart', '[helpme]' as a pejorative, putdown? I hope he hasn't ruined those words for me forever. They've just become an insincerity marker. I'd love someone to call me sweetheart and mean it. In fact I'd probably just jump them .

Disclaimer: does understand that cheating is not the answer.

meant pejorative/putdown

Bella, it doesn't matter what anyone else thinks as to why you are leaving him.

Tell them if they are so sympathetic, they can have him, and to be careful what you wish for....

You say he's escalating, and the stuff you are describing this weekend is beyond disgusting, he really has to go. you really have to get him out of your life as soon as possible.

helpme, when you are with someone that genuinely cares for you, when they say it, you'll know they mean it!

Bellatrix - SORRY FOR SHOUTING BUT A MAN WHO IS INTERESTED IN A WOMAN IN AN UNHAPPY MARRIAGE IS A WALKING RED FLAG! I know this is beside the point, as you weren't planning on doing anything, but if you were, the kind of man who found your situation attractive is the kind who would be happy to exploit it.

Your H is a child - only a child cant sleep unless Mummy is lying next to them - that's what my 3 Y/O does!!!

You: You're behaving like a child and I am not sexually attracted to children.
Him: Well I dont fancy you either
You: I'm not surprised, you have made me into your mother!
Him: That's sick. You're weird/mad/etc.
You: I'm healthier than you, Mummy's boy
Him: cries
You: Oh FFS. I'm off to make myself a cup of tea. Don't let the door hit you on the arse on the way out.

HelpmeMN - Your H is a sexual and emotional bully. My ex would make nasty comments like "Phew, garlic" or demand that I arouse him but what your H did, and Bellatrix's in his horrible abusive remarks, are really, really vile.

Good point wrt the man interested in unhappily married woman... MO I would have missed that myself...

Ha ha I'd have short-circuited that conversation as follows MO:

You: You're behaving like a child and I am not sexually attracted to children.
Him: Well I dont fancy you either
You: Well that's alright then, sleep well!

thank you. it all helps so much.

I'm STILL thinking to myself 'I'm playing it up/overhyping/overreacting'. FFS! I have written down FACTS ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED and there's still a part of me going 'well, yes, but you haven't put in the tone in which it was intended'. He's really got to me, eh? Thank god I curtailed our total isolation abroad away from all my friends and family at just one year .

Sitting here crying my eyes out listening to the music from Dad's funeral. I would give my right arm for one last hug.

You're right, Hissy. He doesn't care for me. He needs me, and he thinks he loves me, but he's incapable of love. And I need love, because I'm a loving human. And if I don't leave, I'll probably try and get it all from my kids. What a co-dependent recipe for disaster that would be.

MO, was that a real conversation?

ps don't mean to be smug about being away on my own when you're all coping with a bank holiday. My life is one long bank holiday, though - home ed and H working from home.

DDs starting school/preschool in one/two weeks, though, praise be.

Helpme: I think you have to divorce yourself completely from trying to second-guess what he wants, feels, needs or thinks.

It's irrelevant to your life. You really have to be that clinical. There is no point trying to work him out, he's broken. He's defunct, not fit for purpose. REJECT.

Just sticking my head around the door as it's bank holiday and as someone else said 'its an extra day to cope with'

Sending you all the best vibes and wishes in the world and keeping everthing crossed for those still stuck in their own personal hell.

Just think, by the time the next bank holiday rolls around you could be free from these bastards crappy abuse!! If not way before then hopefully!

Posted on a thread re being pestered for sex etc this am and see the talk has turned to this on here as well.

Realising how much I didn't know about the comments, pestering, being woken in the middle of the night I just accepted as being 'normal' and feeling so guilty for so long.

It's all bullshit - you all deserve to be treated with respect, to be heard and understood and treated with kindness and no contempt whatsoever!!

Throwing a packet of condoms at someone's lap - FOR FUCKS SAKE!!!!

Helpmemn have a hug from me. No substitute for one from your Dad, I know.

I'm having a bit of a weep myself. I was meant to be starting the Freedom Programme today, but I can't get childcare. The creche is no longer running (I would have been the only one needing it) and DM can only look after one of my children . I am frustrated and a bit disappointed in DM - I'm sure she thinks I'm being a drama queen about the whole DV thing. Every time I try to talk about it she's got a story to top mine.

I do know that about it being a red flag. He didn't actually realise I was married at first apparently. When my friend told him he was like "oh typical, just my luck, oh well I'll get over it" When my friend then said "tbh she's incredibly unhappy, he's a total arse but she won't leave him" he replied something along the lines of if I ever wanted a drink/dinner then he'd be happy with just that. Obviously I am NOT even going there but it wasn't a case of him trying to jump a married woman. It was flattering tho, it was like another little lightbulb moment in that maybe DH puts me down and tells me he could have done better, because he's a bully not because it's true.
DH just told me how sad he is that I am so cross with him when he lives me so much. And if he makes mistakes he doesn't mean it and at least he isn't nasty to me all day long like I am to him and he is so hurt by my behaviour. To an outsider they would think I am the abuser. How does he do that? Thankfully he's gone out now but only taken 2 DC with him because he does a hobby with them (that he wanted them to do and showered them with expensive kit to buy their affection and apparently I'm a selfish bitch not to want to join in with it!!!!) Left youngest with me but she's sad because daddy didn't want to take her. And his parting shot was there's nothing in cupboards so he'll take the DC with him to lunch and he's gone off telling them how mummy is "in one of her cross with daddy moods again and daddy feels so sad". That's not normal behaviour is it??? I really don't know how normal fathers behave tbh. Mine died when I was 11, my SF was verbally/physically/sexually abusive so I have no idea how men are as parents.

Loves not lives!!!

Theregoes: you can start and attend whenever you can, it's a rolling programme, so talk to them and see if something can be worked out.

Failing that, can you find a way to arrange child care for the future. Is there a drop in creche anywhere near? can you ask the organisers, they may be able to suggest a childminder that could take them for the couple of hours?

You really do need to do this programme, it will help you.

I think you also need to face facts that your mum is not going to be the most useful of supports in this. You need to minimise the reliance on her.

It's horrid to have to face this, but I had to, I don't talk about pretty much anything with her, no point.

You have us, that's a start....

Theregoesthefear
Sorry you can't get childcare :( I have to cancel my counsellors appt on Wed for same reason. And your DM won't get it. Nobody does really unless they are living it. :(

Bella, get this pyscho the fuck out of your life, and distance him from the DC too, imagine the messages he's passing them. He's unsafe FGS!

You need to be alone with your babes, really you do.

Aaaaaaahhhhhh he's just phoned. Can I go and get some picnic stuff and we can all spend time together as "a family". Me - but it's pouring with rain and I'm actually trying to get on and do something here. Him - see this is what I mean I am trying to be nice and you don't even care. Me - whatever (hangs up phone).
Family time - eating a picnic in the pouring rain with him playing sad daddy and me playing cross mummy? But all the time I'm thinking is it me, am I wrong, am I being mean???? I can't get my head to understand.
It's all getting on top of me right now - youngest starting school next week, I'm starting college and I can't seem to think straight about anything.