Hi everyone - I've not been on here much because I've had a lot of real life to sort out. Sorry I haven't been there for anyone else. LOLs about Gilbert O'Sullivan Madame O - poor you!
Dd's going to secondary school in September and there have been meetings and loads of leaving parties, summer fairs, school plays and stuff to get involved in. It's also my last year of being at primary in a sense, and the end of an era.
In addition, oh has just been made redundant - has more options, it's not immediate, will get good payoff if he chooses. This has meant that I have to really push myself to disengage from his life choices. I have offered advice and support far too much already. He's head in the sand as usual, coming up with vague ideas but not really acting on anything. Truth is, he hates change. His job is very dull, not creative, he's not very assertive (except at home). It's been a steady job for him and suddenly it's all change.
And it's all change for all of us. kids at new schools (older one possibly changing too), him redundant, me going into a new career, full time work. So all of a sudden this happens and it's tempting to think that a split would be too much change.
BUT in fact this might be the perfect opportunity for us to split. If he is unemployed in September he could fester, although he has a strong work ethic, I don't know how this will affect him - it will be the biggest change in his life (me & kids have not changed his life one bit although he wouldn't admit that). Then he may be at home more than me and the family dynamic changes - confusion all round. He's already working part time from home and I must say I find that OK, but the week seems much shorter - in that I don't get the break from him that I need. I think that's what makes me feel ready to split - that I prefer to spend time without him than with him. The heart palpitations when I lie in bed hoping I'm not going to have to reject him again, the brief interest from me when he gets home met by backs turned and ignoring. The constant wangling to try and get a weekend away without him. The only thing I would miss is the casual conversation - chats about this and that- what we've heard in the news - what happened to me that day. In order to get round that I would have to make sure I'm at least working in a social atmosphere. It's all possible. Starting to feel better.
If he takes redundancy I think he will want to do a tour around the states. It's what he's always wanted to do. This sounds a bit controlling but I would have to set this up a bit to make sure he can let me go, emotionally. If he's got a lifetime trip to do, he may just do that because he will focus on something else. Oh I dunno. Whatever happens we have to split. Timing may not be important, but I think it can be made easier when there are other changes going on.
There's so much going on, but there always will be tbh, there will probably never be a right time. I've been thinking about the day that I decided to leave him. I think I have already left him emotionally, I think the decision was made the moment after he promised to go to the counsellor with me but dropped out at the last minute. I saw the counsellor alone and everything fell into place. He's never done anything for me. Never. He will say that he's done this, that and the other for me, but it's really just because it gives him something to do. He has never supported me emotionally in any way shape or form. He has only ever dragged me down emotionally. I'm a tough old boot and can survive on very little emotional 'food'. That's the only reason I survived this long.
I don't expect him to be Mr Loveydovey, just want him to do the decent thing. You can almost see him withholding affection because he's terrified it might change me, turn me into someone he can't cope with.
It's got to stop. I know that and I honestly believe, once I've got my head round a few technical details like roofs over heads, what to do with all the CRAP in the house, once my college deadlines are over, I will have that conversation. It will set him free to go his sad and lonely way, and me to go and look after myself and my real family, properly. His family are not remotely interested in us, even the DCs. By some miracle he might 'see the light' - but it will be too late. The damage is done and this relationship is now poisoned and dead.