Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

[bigbuttons]

try again

Barbie, I missed the casual conversation too. Fortunately I got custody of the parakeet so I talked to that instead, and got much more pleasant answers

As it has now sadly fallen off the perch, both figuratively and literally, I have acquired a small friendly cat which more than adequately replaces the cuddles, and a larger cat which does the cold shoulder and occasional unjustified swipes so I don't get to miss those either.

Morning.

Sorry for my grumpy post yesterday.

Annie - I read your link too, and parts of it is how I feel some days. I'm very much a 'when will he hit me, abuse me, leave me, hurt me' person. Glass half empty, waiting for the shit to hit the fan.....

DH is the love of my life in every way, cheesey? Yep but he is everything I always wanted, I just didn't know until we were together.

I struggle to remember that when the days are bad. Nemo is ill, problems with his breathing so last night was a night filled with shifts, checking he was breathing.

I was hot, in pain and utterly fucked off but DH just took it all in his stride, comforted DS and made sure I was okay, whilst all I did was snap at him.

Why? Why do I do that? So stupid, push, push and push.

Hello breakfree

Mouse - were you grumpy? I dont think anyone noticed. Bearing in mind all the EA's who redefine grumpy on a daily basis!

See, that's how you know your DH is the real deal. When he supports you out of love, respect, and because he can reasonable judge that it is the right thing to do, not because of what he'll get out of it.

It's nothing less than you deserve!

Sorry to hear about Nemo, hope he improves soon [hugs]

im back

Hello nevergonnahappen

Thank you Madame - you're right re the real deal. Maybe that's why I am so scared of losing him with all of the issues we face. My poor health, mobility issues that really do have an impact on our relationship..... Everything.

I sometimes wonder why he bothers to stay.

Mouse, re: I sometimes wonder why he bothers to stay.

well I am new on here, but I'm guessing that you must be pretty special and you found someone who recognises that fact, correct me if I'm wrong.

While I'm on here I should just say to all that if I do or write something in the wrong way please let me know, cos I'm not exactly sure of the 'ettiquette' and wouldn't want to offend anyone, as in just calling mouseface, mouse and not being able to bold anyones name and actually replying to people that don't even know me, so sorry in advance if I do anything wrong.

just jump in, iampos! Talk to anyone, talk to yourself, this is an open forum.

(ps if you want to figure out how to bold and other cool shit, there's simple explanations under the purple "Post message" button)

iampos

Hello and welcome. Yes, you are most likely correct. I just have 'low' or 'wobble' days when I just think that he deserves better.

And please do call me Mouse x

Does anybody know if DV is taught (how to spot it...not to do it obviously) is taught at secondary school?

I pray that it it is, because I am not (although many friends and family would disagree) a stupid woman. I honestly can't believe that to me Friday night is now 'cunt' night...what time will we get to before I am called a cunt....

By the time people tried to tell me/talk to me, it was too late. I was under his spell. By the time I realised what was going on, I was too ashamed to admit it. Then admitted it. Then felf stupid for going back. Isolation.

He has robbed me of my sanity, my self-worth, dignity, confidence...everything you can think of, and yet still I stay, because he has also robbed me of the energy or will to go on without him.

Thank you to all the women on here because up until a few weeks ago I was the lonliest girl in the world.xx

Hi Tres
I also dont class myself as stupid; well educated, and discounting my choice of husband I have integrity, am principled, discerning with a social concious

Absolutely clueless as to how I made such a massive error in judgement

you are not lost though. I was in the same place a year ago and now on the brink of divorce (hallelujiah!)

I'm not angry with myself. I didn't do this but during the course of my relationship I have:

been spat on (in my face)

had my phone smashed on numerous occations so I couldn't get help. Phone pulled out of the wall. Police phones three times.

Hit (not beaten...just hit) on several occasions

Intimidated-body language...constant

Told that I am ugly and that no-one else would want me

Pushed so hard into a wall that I sprained a wrist

Nearly lost my job-couldn't concnetrate when repeatedly told that I am homeless

Ended up on anti-depressants-he nearly went to prison for threatening someone with a knife

Kicked out at 26 weeks pregnant

Told repeatedly that he would not look after baby because I had not been a 'good girl'

Took my bank card card and left me with no money what-so-ever for over a day

Told me that if I even try to leave with the baby he is going to slit my throat. This has been repeated a lot.

Please tell me that this really is abuse and that I'm not just being dramatic. This is off of the top of my head.

Trestired - You know the answer to that. It is fucking INSANE (of him)

You know what you have to do.

Have you called WA? have you got a bag together? You need to be brave ONCE, just once, brave enough to walk out the door. The rest is EASY, well, easier than living like this. I promise.

Ask yourself, if not all this ^ then WHAT is going to be the last straw?

It's sooooo hard. I am so happy I have beautiful, adorable baby boy. OH doesn't see his other kids, GOD knows why but I could hazard a guess. They hate him. He will fight me to the death for the baby, because that is all that he has left. I'm frightened of him and what he will say or do.

I couldn't bear going to a hostel taking up a place when there are so many women who are going through so much worse. I have to go back to work and one of his family members is going to look after the baby. I cant think of doing my job whilst in a hostel.His family are sane and know what is going on because I have had to stay with them when things have 'kicked off'. The problem is that last time they sided with him. ??????? My family live far away.

His mum's words, 'I know he is an arsehole but are you sure you haven't got PND'...In fairness, the baby was 8 weeks old. I hadn't slept and he told me he wasn't clesring up after guests because I hadn't been a good girl. I was soooo angry that I threw a cup at the wall. He washed up.

And, I feel like he needs to do something else to me now before I go, not just, 'Actually, I've been thinking...if anyone's a cunt it's you....'

I hate sounding so pathetic.

sorry.

Hi Trestired,

so much of what you say sounds so familiar to me and I am sure to many of the others too, for me it is totally bizarre reading stuff that other people write and almost thinking that somehow they have read my mind. I am out, thank god and have a support worker, through refuge, she gave me something the other day describing symptoms of abusive men, or something like that, and as I looked at it I thought, oh my god she has written this up after speaking to me, what a lot of trouble she has gone to, and then I realised she had just printed out, it is a standard thing. I never realised I was in an abusive relationship, it never really occurred to me, still shocks me somehow.

Anyway, what I wanted to say is one day you will find the strength within you, for me I guess I knew just after our son was born, maybe before, that one day I would leave my x, it has taken nearly 5 years, but I knew I would and every day that feeling grew and was more certain inside of me, I began to care a little less about the things he said to me and inside began to mock him, when he was rude to me, but what bothered me the most was our son watching this behaviour and no doubt believing that it was okay. I have not said much to him about his dad except that 'you know daddy was rude to mummy and nobody should be rude to other people and that was why mummy told daddy to leave'

I guess for me that sums it up, I take pains to teach my son not to be rude to other people, to be compassionate, to show respect and I no longer could do that when he was watching his father treat me the way he did, so he had to go, the x that is.

You know what one day you will make it, you will, keep on reading the brilliant stuff by the other ladies on these pages, talk to WA or Refuge, they also support those who stay. xxxx and never are you the pathetic one, he is!!!

cry. cry. cry. cry. Am so,so,sad. Cry cry.

Trestired I wish I had been online to talk to you last night. How are you feeling today?

iampos has written a great post. I'd like to second everything she says, and respond to a few of the things you said that jumped out at me.

I couldn't bear going to a hostel taking up a place when there are so many women who are going through so much worse.

Oh Trestired I wish you could believe that you are worth more than what you are enduring now. You deserve to be happy. You, and any other woman who needs to go to a refuge. Why do you think there is a magic cut-off point that you fall short of? What would that point be, in your mind? Are you in a mindset where you simply believe that you, trestired, don't deserve to get out? But you do. You so do. Please call 0808 2000 247 and talk to them; just talk. Describe what you have to us. Even if you don't request a refuge place today, it will help to speak to an objective professional, who understands what you are going through and won't judge.

I cant think of doing my job whilst in a hostel.

Do you think you would be able to do your job better if you were living in a safe haven, free from fear, with supportive people around you?

His family are sane and know what is going on because I have had to stay with them when things have 'kicked off'. The problem is that last time they sided with him. ??????? My family live far away.

His family are in denial. He is their son, and they will probably choose to believe the best about him regardless. Don't wait for them to side with you to give you permission to get out. Many people will choose to believe your P, sadly, or will just prefer to stay out of it. That shouldn't stop you. You know what is right, and what he is doing to you and your baby is wrong. Can you ask for help from someone other than family?

His mum's words, 'I know he is an arsehole but are you sure you haven't got PND'

Arrrrgh. I got told that too. No: you are depressed because you are being abused. Anyone would feel shit given what you have gone through. in fact, most people would have collapsed from the sheer weight of it much sooner, but you are stronger than most and have endured so much and yet can still go to work and care for a child. You are amazing.

I was soooo angry that I threw a cup at the wall.

Abuse drives many people to act abusively themselves. Did you regret your action? Do you know that it was wrong? That is what separates you from an abuser. Don't beat yourself up about it. You know how to treat people with respect, you failed once, that's OKAY.

You are still a wonderful, beautiful person who deserves love and respect and kindness.

I feel like he needs to do something else to me now before I go

Maybe that's what it will take. My own personal rock bottom was when stbxh threatened to kill me.

But it is bad enough now. It has been for a long time. Perhaps it's not that he needs to do something even more dreadful to you, perhaps it's that you need to believe that you deserve better?

Do you have friends you could see once without your P to get you out of your horrible home situation for a breather once in a while? A weekly hobby of your own that could take you out of the house doing something constructive with some nice people? Living with abuse is wearing, and you need to be able to recharge your batteries, sweetheart.

Finally: would you like to speak to your GP about how you are currently feeling -- the crying, etc?

Itsmeandpuppynow.

Thank you for your reply.

I am deeply ashamed of the cup incident. It's just when he said that I hadn't been 'good' so I would have to clear up...that was when I knew that he was so far beyond the line that it wasn't even funny. He had also during the evening been calling me a 'miserable cunt' to his friends. I was also very, very sleep deprived because I had been up so long with the baby. It's not an excuse, but after months of the above I was just so angry. I' most certainly ot proud of myself and I did 'punished' for it.

I am so lucky that I have wonderful friends (who I have stopped lying to) and now I've got more confidence with the baby, the world is ours.

The demon is still in bed but told me last night it was over because I wouldn't find him a cab number to get home from his mothers. ? Twat. Hope he means it.

I thank you again for your help.

I'm a bit nervous about going to GP. Who do they share this information with?

Trestired welcome to the thread.
That is the effect they have - they belittle,
minimise our distress, call us names, use physical aggression, treat us like children ("a good girl"??? FFS) throw their weight around, treat us like possessions, until we are so desperate that we lash out, and then we feel ashamed and they can be justified* in calling us unbalanced, crazy, unfit mothers etc.

He has done all the above AND threatened to kill you. If you can go, go.

I went into a refuge. X's behaviour was not as extreme as yours. He did not issue death threats.
The Emotional Abuse was something else.

Horrendous. Isolation, threats of homelessess, accusations of infidelity, vicious name calling, waking me up to make accusations...

The physical violence was an occasional push and slap.

Did that make it ok? Like hell it did.
Did Women's Aid take me seriously? Of course they did. If you would like to read an account of the abuse I wrote on another forum, PM me and I will send you the link.

Wishing you strength and courage for you and your little boy. You are not alone.

Hi tres

You are a victim of domestic violence and abuse.

You may have depression as it appears that he has ground you down so much that you lack any volition to act in you and your babys' best interest. By that I mean leave.

Please contact Woman's Aid. They will help and support you.

Pack a bag and gather together your important documents. Have it ready.

Your H is abusing you and making you unhappy and doubt yourself. A child being exposed to parental abuse is, by extension being abused. How old is your baby? One day they might get caught in the crossfire and get hurt. Don't allow this to happen.

I was in your position too up until recently. And it was through posting on MN and confessing the full extent of the abuse that made me realise that for my and my beautiful, innocent DCs I had to leave. I went to stay at my parents 65 miles away.

I really feel for you. You must keep posting, speak to WA, tell your friends and family the full extent of what's been going on in order to gain strength, to allow you to walk away from this monster. You will be sad, but relieved. Believe me.

You must protect yourself and your baby.

Thinking of you.

tres

All GP consultations are strictly confidential but because there are child protection issues they may share the info with your health visitor. This is a good thing. You need to get support from who you can.

It makes me so mad that he has done this to you. He has ground you down, made you depressed. Depression is literally being "pressed down". Another view is that depression is anger turned inwards.

You clearly recognise his behaviour as abuse now. Hang onto this, keep telling yourself you don't deserve to be treated this way. You are worth so much more. He doesn't respect you. He is being hateful towards you. He threatened your life FFS! How could he do this to the mother of his child? How could he subject you to such vile name-calling?

I'm so angry and upset tears are burning my eyes as I see your situation as so similar to mine, and I know what action you need to take. Contact WA to allow you to make a safe exit plan. Please, please think only of yourself and your baby now.

I can add no better than what has been said here already Tres. We are all here for you, just take a deep breath and make the first move, call WA, call the Dr, make an appointment and open up.

Tres......... (from wikipedia) The boiling frog story is a widespread anecdote describing a frog slowly being boiled alive. The premise is that if a frog is placed in boiling water, it will jump out, but if it is placed in cold water that is slowly heated, it will not perceive the danger and will be cooked to death. The story is often used as a metaphor for the inability of people to react to significant changes that occur gradually.........

The above explains how you get to this situation...and STILL think it's not quite bad enough!!

All of us on this thread - no matter if the abuse we receive is verbal, emotional, physical, whatever - we all suffer (or have suffered) from the boiling frog syndrome, that's why we've taken so much shit.

Posting on here will help you get free....just take care. Play good dog. Sometimes they up the abuse when they feel you're no longer under (their) control.

Love to all.

Everything he says abusive to me now I'm recognising as abuse. Before this I wouldn't stop to think. Even conversations which spiral from him into a total change of direction are abusive. He starts out giving out about one of the DCs or my family and then suddenly he starts giving out about me. Or the other way around. Eggshells. A few minutes ago he was ranting at me over telling him it was 1pm in the day and what did he need to be out of bed for. Lunch was ready. I'd made soup. He wanted to know why didn't I bring it up to him in bed like he does to be when I'm ill. Ill? Since when is a sore back where he is well able to function but just moans about it constantly classed as ill? I just feel like running away because he irritates me so much with the pathetic little rants. I have started ignoring them but there is only so much a person can take as well. There's a world out there that I want to join in and take part in and have new friends and enjoy. Right now I can't with him here. I won't allow things to escalate in front of the DCs and I know anytime I tell him its over or what my feelings really are that world war 3 will break out and the DCs will here because he does it loud enough to intentionally make sure they do!

BreakFree do you really need to have a discussion to tell him it's over, then? Leaving will tell him that just as well. Leave a note, if you want to get your feelings out. You don't need his blessing, and you're unlikely to receive his apologies.

As you say: There's a world out there that I want to join in and take part in and have new friends and enjoy.

I really do understand the need to state your position and feelings once and for all, though. Are you doing couples' therapy, by any chance? I used that as a setting to tell stbxh I was leaving him. I had forewarned the therapist. That way, I could express myself in a safe environment, as could he, without the risk of him turning abusive since he never is in front of witnesses. I also had someone in the waiting room to accompany me home, to a separate house from stbxh's. Could something like that be an option for you?