Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

[bigbuttons]

try again

Fumble, when I lived with that dreadful man, I never said boo to a goose either, I would practically vomit in fear when I heard the key in the lock.

Your personaility is oppressed, but not for long. You already know what you are living is WRONG, that is the first step.

Next will come the courage, as I suggested last thread to try, was minor defiance, in almost imperceptible ways, to regain OUR control. As they slowly stole the entitlement to treat us like crap, we will steal our lives back, our opinions, our thoughts, hopes, dreams and everything else they took.

Set yourself a goal, an act of minor defiance, that you can get away with, use passive aggressive gas lighting as a tactic back at them if need be. WHAT? of course I didn't do that you silly! and a small giggle, a shake of the head!

It does work.

Example. I was not allowed out without X permission while in Egypt. EVER. I had to literally ask him if I could go out. Also people there (or as I am lead to believe) will tell tales - I can well believe it. Your DW was seen going out, where was she going, a man in a car (driver) came to collect her...

One time he went out of town for 2 days. There were some expats thinking of driving up to Alex for the day. Literally, as I was leaving the flat, I texted twat face, "Oh BTW, taking DS to see BFF, in case you come home and wonder where we are... Back later..."

We had arranged a meeting of 2 women from Cairo, another from out in the sticks (think she ended up having to go back to her country in the end and was not allowed to take her DC ) all at BFFs place, we had a BALL!

Twatface complained, I said, Oh it was all last minute, I was free and was sure you would prefer us to be happy with my friend, getting a bit of fresh air, rather than cooped up in the flat for 2 whole days...

Oh and the meeting of the BFF... had to tell him I met her on the plane home once, and not on an expat forum, cos he'd have accused me of all sorts and would have done something about that.

She is still my BFF, and he is history! ha ha ha ha!

So true, notice evidence of that only recently. Thats why I'm back in the cycle again trying to get out again.
Can you repost the links that Bejeezus was talking about Hissy? I seem to have missed those.

This evening, he doesn't get where all my bitterness is coming from but he'd rather I keep it to myself and stop being a total bitch to him.
He also called me a nag.
Why? Because he went to open a bottle of wine. He's on medication and said out loud "are there pain killers I can take when drinking" and I said "maybe you should just not drink more than you usually would"
Reply: "SO YOU'RE TELLING ME WHAT TO DRINK NOW?!?!?!"

ffs

I was reminded of a quote by Gandhi today

The power of twitter!

?First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win.?

But then of course that reminded me of a song with the line in, finally recalled who sung it

Ladies and ladies, I give you the one and only

Good rallying song too!!

God I love this thread

BF: If you look at the links I just posted, and have a look at the other videos the guy has done.

bejeezus has looked at stuff I may not even have come across yet

Dear Hissy and Bejeezus
been watching Sam Vaknin and with a glass of wine. It is revelatory. Or may be it's just the wine?
But feeling a little more grounded.
Have a good night everyone

Morning everyone
Hissy, you are turning us into a cult - the Hissys!
fumble, dont worry lady, you wont always be meek. I speak from experience. When you are in the fog, and can't see quite how to be, or think, because Twatface has done such a number on you, it's difficult to find your voice.
However, the more support you get, the more research you do, the more self-esteem you find, the more determined you grow and the more you realise that he is wrong and you are right, you will find that the little acts of defiance that Hissy mentions crop up all the time, and the response to his reaction is an invisible shrug and a sly smirk to yourself.

My lovely BFF bought me this BEFORE she knew I'd dumped X, she was delighted to give it to me

Good morning MO,

it's a miserable day and am feeling miserable after feeling so strong last night. Why does this happen? Just want to take DS into town, bump into ex and have a cup of coffee and put all this mess behind us. Am wavering, wavering, wavering and just thinking why can't everything be straight and simple.
Need backbone not wishbone to help me through the day.

notsorted - you need to realise that its okay to feel like this. I know that feeling strong and defiant and kick-ass feels good, but to be like that all the time would mean you were in denial.
As my lovely friend says, you dont need to be strong, you just need to be DETERMINED.

It's even okay to miss them - I'm a bit like that today - however to acknowledge those feelings, as you are doing, already means that you are doing EXCEPTIONALLY well.

Thought and action are too VERY different things when it comes to recovery from abuse.
In other words, you can miss them all you want, as long as you realise that you are missing the man they pretended to be, and not seek his company.

You know that after five minutes he would trip himself up and you would be kicking yourself.

Do you have a list of his worst behaviours? You need to keep it somewhere to remind yourself of why you do NOT need this despicable man in your life.

lol MO I bought that fridge magnet for myself as a divorce present. Its going up as soon as hes gone

notsorted dont know what to say--not sane and balanced enough myself to offer you any wisdoms. But I hope your day gets better. Dont underestimate the effect the weather has on your mood

Afternoon ladies.

Shockingly bad night here with Nemo. He's given up sleeping again because he's poorly. One bloody session at Soft Play Hell is all it takes to wipe him out.

Oh well, Diet Coke and coffee for me today

How are we all? You're always in my thoughts ladies xx

Mouseface
PLEASE look after yourself - you need more than Diet Coke and coffee to get through the day! [stern emoticon]

Hugs to you and strength to your darling wee boy xxx

Sorry to hear that, Mouse. I'm always impressed at your capacity to be ever-loving and giving to us here when you've got so much else to care for (Nemo, your health, ...) in your RL.

Mouse, I am so sorry to hear about nemo, you poor, poor things.

I hope however possible that you can all find a way to rest and recuperate.

dammit, pressed post too soon!

I agree with the comment, Mousey your capacity to care is enormous, you really are an amazing woman. Good luck and health to you and your family.

Hey, guess what? We are through the weekend by 25%. And we're still here, breathing, filled with determination. Keep going ladies... Love to you all.

Right back at you Fumble

Indeed! Right back at you Fumble

And thank you all for your kind words. xx

Right you 'orrible lot, I'm off to watch mind numbing tv with DH.

Have safe and sound nights all of you. I hope that the quietness on the thread means that all is well with you Brave Ladies.

Stay strong, stay you and keep going xx

Enjoy MF
The pendulum of doom is swinging back and forth here. From trying to get into bed with me in the spare room this morning to "just cuddle" me to then getting in a huff because I refused him to then bringing me lunch as I sat in my room reading to him then ignoring me for the rest of the day to then confronting me this evening and asking me can we just be smoochy tonight for once and then "why don't you ever want me. If you wanted me I wouldn't be angry all the time. You say horrible things to me. You make me feel like etc etc etc blabla bla bla
Then he went off on one because I said I'd watched a film with this celeb he thinks I fancy more than him (damn right!)
Now he's in the other room in a mood. Drinking. Fun times.

Breakfree - he sounds like a moody teenager, whinging about people being horrible to him. Reminds me of

Lady, you need earplugs!

It is reassuring to hear that others wish their partners/x's were dead, it is something that has happened to me recently and has shocked and horrified me, made me feel ashamed, I am by nature a quiet, placid, kind woman and suddenly was having these horrific thoughts that when x didn't call to say goodnight to DS that maybe he was dead and how great that would be and even before he went, I know that he will be in my life forever and will never let go and will do his best to destroy me and any happiness that I may have, but to wish him dead?!?

I have also taken to silently cursing and swearing to and about him in my head, often to a tune as I walk around the house, I rarely ever swear out loud, but seem to get joy out of calling him all these names in my head as I do things......anyone else? or is it just me slowly going mad?

Iampos.I do that all the time complete with rolling my eyes and making two fibgered gestures when hes not looking.its that little bit of empowerment.
well.he went off on another one! the following statements.
I suppose your not sleeping with me tonight then. No?
Why are you so bitter?
why are you so cold?
I dnt know why your doing this!
Do you hate me?
Do you really not like me?
Do you not want to be with me or something?
What have I done to deserve this treatment like a dog.
You have serious mental problems!
Im so sick of your nice one minute bitter the next.

now.i tried to just not engage.for the most part i did apart from poibting out that i was sleeping in the spare room in reply to the wanting to not be with him part but i knew that responding wasnt going to get me anywhere. i know he has made me into what he sees as bitter and cold. to normal people thats just a woman at the end of her rope but of course pointless trying to state that so i just stated i wasnt engaging with him and left him there reminding him that his tone was both intimidating and aggressive and that there are 2 dcs adleep. i am in bed now but cant settle. i can hear him opening a can and hes had a few and i know he has wine and i fear his unpredictability. he could just go to bed or he could make a Big deal out of going to bed possobly waking older dc as he does. all supposed to go to a familyfunday tommorrow for charity.he said i can go on my own now. i said thats fine. only people hes confusing with his moods are the kids by dragging them into it.

anyway.going to try and sleep now. my head is absolutely a mess with him tonight.he actually made me feel so guilty and wrong at one point at the same time everything he was describing me as was him to a T. freaking out that im the same as him and as much to blame.but i know im not somhow.head melt!

sorry for any typos on the phone here.

BF, you are seeing through it all - can you see that?

Before you would have taken his comments as direct insults to you, but you see that he is talking about himself. Have you had the 'You Are Abusing ME' comment yet?

If he flounces about, don't rise to it, OK, I'll go with the kids by myself, no problems, and have a BLOODY BRILLIANT DAY!

Did you see the youtube link where that creepy bloke talks about masochistic avoidance? ^ it's all in your post love.....

Ride this wave, he'll be gone eventually, then you won't have to put up with this.