Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

[bigbuttons]

try again

oh breakfree, I know so well how you feel, I sometimes feel I'm turning into HIM. I am so angry now, so bitter. I was never that before. I have no sympathy for him, no empathy, even in the areas where a normal couple might support each other, I just can't be bothered. I don't care what happens to him. I was never that before. I still keep my reactions to him under control, mainly, (I tell myself) to keep life liveable here while I decide what to do. I want to tell him what I think - what I really think - of him. But when I do that there will be no going back. When I tell him what I think, it will be too late for him to change...(not that I think he can).

I know you're only a few months down the road of realising what's happening. I'm a couple of years ahead of you but I'm still trying to make sense of it all. And I still haven't left. I understand your frustration, cos I feel I know so much now, why am I still here? I hate him, I hate our life, the dc's despise him. And yet I am still afraid of what will happen when I turn our lives upside down.

Oh Breakfree,
mine always called me a c. I won't lower myself by spelling out that word because it lowers me to his despicable level. I told him time and again not to use it.
My counsellor says that counts as emotional abuse - name calling - in any situation. I know that brewing feeling, it's like waiting for bad news that you know is coming. It tears you up and makes you anxious. He used to tell me I was anxious. Well of course I was because I never knew who would be there for dinner - Mr Jekyll or Dr Hyde. It makes you as jumpy as a frog on a hotplate. I used to have to work out what he was feeling by saying hello when he came in and seeing if he'd do anything to help or go and switch on the computer straight away.
Oh and the awful frustration of why doesn't it reach the inevitable row now and let's get it over with.
I'm so angry to and can't wait for OW to see that he is an untrustworthy b*. But then I torture myself thinking it was all me and that she will be able to manage him. Time will tell, but meantime fact of his abuse says that at the moment he isn't seeing DS because of his temper, unstable mental state.
It doesn't help, but writing it here does as does reading other people's experiences. So keep posting everyone
(((hugs))) to you all

notsorted do you see what you wrote there about OW? Nobody should have to "manage" their OH sweetheart. I do see what you mean though. When X left the first time I was tortured by the thought of them having a lovely time, but it soon deteriorated because they cannot change.

I am not pained by the thought of X's OW, I pity her. She will start off thinking the sun shines out of his stinky arse, just as I did, and then the sun will go in and the truth will emerge, and the whole sorry cycle will start again.

You are FREE and on the way to emotional freedom also, just give yourself time. You will change and grow stronger and leave him far behind, and he will stay, stuck in his sad old pattern, while you move on.

My X is popular, well-liked, and may probably be quite successful. But he will never be happy and has no concept of pure joy or deep heartfelt emotion. So he has nothing I want.
(((hugs right back)))

breakfree

I wish he would just disappear

I often wish mine was dead

bejeezus I think the same thing. Once we didn't know where he was, he's a creature of habit. I had a fantasy that he had had a heart attack or something. He was always telling me the stress of living with me was causing him tightenings in his chest. I was at my disappointment when he appeared again.
I too have been called the c word many times, amongst other nasties.

he was trying to be nice to me yesterday. I had to force myself to let him. it didn't last long though as soon as he was called on some behaviour.

I feel utterly numb.

Dear MO
can't wait to get there. It's just the journey is tortuous at times. My X has no friends. He is lonely, depressed, out of work, and a hopeless fantasist. Think he got abusive at me when just by fact of my existence, I shattered his bubble of what he was. And I colluded in minimising the problems, thinking we could make things work.
Am having to compile a timeline of what went on and all the time it was me asking him to take responsibility and him running away or getting angry that he didn't have any power. I kept offering him responsibility as a grown-up way of exercising power. And I'm stuck by the fact that I have all the responsibility still. I thought that was what a relationship was supposed to be about - shared responsibility. I don't want all the power, all the responsibility I wanted it to be shared and balance negotiated, discussed, worked on. But he just isn't mature enough to take that on. Urgggh it's a very steep learning curve, isn't it?

And Breakfree, I know what you mean. It's not nice but then again physical distance does get him out of your headspace. Talked to a RL friend who said best thing her ex did was move out of the country. It solved a whole load of problems. Maybe the escape route should have as its destination anywhere at least 200 miles away from him? Can you get away for a bit on your own anywhere?

Still one good thing is that I've come up with a way of discussing father's absence with DS. Said he is ill and can't be with us or him. In a way it's true because his behaviour is illness/abnormality. It will do for now.

((hugs))

bejeezus don't feel bad for wishing he just didn't exist. I feel exactly the same. It cannot be unusual, it's not repulsive, it just seems like the only way to get peace from him.

I sometimes see my current situation stretching out to infinity and I'm just waiting for him to die. But I'm seeing a fantastic therapist who assures me that H will find a new partner sooner or later, and I'll get some peace then. If I can keep enough distance from him that he's not getting what he wants from me, he'll need to find it elsewhere. Of course now I feel terrible that I'm hoping that he'll inflict himself on someone else.

Mmm, muses. Does having been called a c* is pretty much par for the course.
And I got told that his previous GF didn't mind it so why should I?
Wish I'd been more forceful and nipped that one in the bud properly, but then I was pregnant and so guess I was in the perfect powerless position. Awhh I just wanted to be looked after, treated properly and be respected. No chance from him, I guess?

Yes notsorted: the insults are par for the course. As is the excuse for them.

For me, it was: "You stupid fucking bitch!", and the excuse was: "it's better to release anger than keep it in."

...I was too accomodating to realise that his anger could be released into a fucking pillow, rather than at a person with feelings to respect.

Hi Puppy,
how are you doing today? I've been trying to read some of the stuff you recommended. But as usual going through a dip, thinking how is he? Has it sunk in yet that I'm serious about saying all this mess wasn't my fault. Need a picture of a chicken flapping and never taking off stuck on my computer.
I always provoked him, mmm usually by just saying can we discuss some minor domestic detail. Or I 'nagged' him. God what an old-fashioned word and an excuse used by men for their subsequent outbursts.

I'm in an interesting phase of transition, notsorted, thanks for asking. I have realised that all those weird feelings of tension and restlessness I've been wondering about these past few months are 32 years of repressed anger trying to be let out, rather than being turned against myself in the form of self-hatred and depression.

This is a bit of a "duh!" moment for anyone with an inkling of psychology, but it's all new to me! So I'm wondering how I'm going to do the punching and screaming that is welling up inside me without my neighbours calling the cops.

Oh, and I've realised just how little I give a shit about stbxh anymore. He can just fuck off. And until he does, I am just so not. interested. in anything he thinks, says, or does. It feels great!

I know your "what ifs...". I was there 6 months ago. Soooo over that now. You too will move beyond them somehow! Have hope in that, rather than any hope for change in him!

Thank you Puppy, have been trying to understand my own feelings of tension and restlessness, and you are so right, it is flipping repressed anger, for me 26 years of it! 12½ years of marriage and the last 13½ years of life...

obrigada

I think I'm going to enjoy the "anger release" stage!

For me it's also a lifetime of anger. Which is partly why I don't give a stuff about stbxh anymore: I now see him as just a symptom of my own self-hatred brought on by inadequate parents. Fixing myself seems like much bigger fish to fry now than the concerns of one emotionally-impaired idiot who I can, and did, get rid of.

Not that I am minimising the strength of the attachment and the difficulty of cutting oneself loose from a DP. It is bloody difficult. But you get to meet you as a result! I just wish I could communicate to all those still entangled how exciting and clean it feels to be rid of this useless parasite, and how wonderful it feels to scrape off useless parasitical self-beliefs. Get free, ladies! Get free!

Puppy, great point! Invest your energy in yourself, not them!
Notsorted, yes it is a very steep learning curve. It is both a blessing and a curse that, like grieving, none of the steps can skipped if you are to truly heal and move on.

I still haven't moved on. Just acknowledged that I dont want to be in the relationship any more. The fucking wanker sent me a text this morning saying he missed me and wasn't seeing anyone else. He knew DD was at nursery this morning and was freaking out about who I might be shagging seeing. It was so manipulative but my response was to go upstairs and wash my hair and ignore him.

It was interesting, definitely pushed a button, but not to the extent that I was going to reply. Made me realise that he is still very much in my head and must be kept as far away as possible.

hissy i shall consider my ass kicked there!!

Hello Ladies. Just wanted to check in and say "hi". Been really tired the last few days, no energy for anything (still waiting for AD's to kick in) but been keeping up to date with everyone.

Big hugs to you all - stay strong :)

GrrrrrrrrraaaaAAAArrrrrr...being subject to this totally useless father routine again this evening..he asked me to run an errand for him this weekend, which I didnt have time to do because I have the kids by myself all the time. SO, he said he would come home early from work and have kids so I could do it. As I was leaving, I started telling him what food was in fridge for baby and that she needed a bath. He started spouting off about not knowing how to feed baby/ give her a bath/ why does he have to do it/ 'he knows what plans I have' (WTF?!)/ he needs to go out and get...blah blah blah. Its really hard to explain, it doesnt sound so bad written here like this......but its just a barrage of obstacles to EVERYTHING!! It was a good thing that it was HIS errand- I was able to offer the alternative of me not going and staying at home to sort kids out. He talked to me and had this offended air that I was really putting him out/ taking the piss. I dont understand, I really dont. It makes my head buzz and my teeth itch. Its just crazy crazy irritation JUST FOR THE SAKE OF IT. Whats the point

Have a good grrrrrrrrr - moment of rage. Bejeezus If it's any consolation a lot of men are pretty useless with babies - it's the fear thing but comes out as them saying why does x or y have to be done. But then again he should know about babies.
Do what you have to do/want to do and then ignore the rest. Blank and build some nice opaque walls round the subject. Hard to follow, but perhaps it will work?

its not our first. he DOES know what to do...hes looed after them for weekends. He just doesnt want to.

i watched the links that hissy gave -the narcissist links. There is some really relevant its about how they view/treat kids. Really hit home. I am starting to see him upset the older one, because she is 'mummys girl'- impatient/ puts her down/ obvious favouritism for the other. Not really nasty, just subtle.

JK: Yup you know I only want the best for you and you know I understand only too well exactly what kind of animal you are dealing with.

Seriously, as a man, and a human being that bloke is a WRITE-OFF!

OK, I'm going to pull notsorted up on something.

"a lot of men are pretty useless with babies"

yeah.... a lot of SHIT men are useless with babies!

My BIL was FAB with my niece, SAHD in the end, other dads I know are ACE, changing nappies, reading, bathing, feeding. heck I even know an egyptian dad that would change his son IN PUBLIC. [falls over]

bejeezus, next time tell the dick head that he can go and sort out whatever it is that needs doing and that you will POINT BLANK REFUSE TO DO IT. How dare he struggle with caring for his baby, how pathetic is that? Jesus, you can skip a bath (easy bit) but the feeding is hardly rocket science is it? tell him if he moans again about doing HIS BIT for the children that you'll get a nanny and get rid of him.

[twat]

Just letting you know I'm still lurking, reading and empathising with you all. Horrid horrid oppressive situation here but coping.

Hissy I would love to have just a little teeny bit of your personality transplanted into me for just one day... I feel like such a meek creature that needs to get some ooomph or something! [hblush]

Did you see this link?

Jesus this guy says a lot of stuff that makes sense! I am listening to some of this!

Masochistic avoidance:

When the relationship fails, the abusers chooses adopts strategies to regain control. Masochistic Avoidance.

He turns the hatred/anger back at himself, destructively, so the threats to harm himself, or hitting the bottle/drugs or whatever causes the victim to adopt the caring role, engages the guilt, and provides attention and further frustrates the victim in her attempt to free herself.

By doing this he is preventing further criticism, negative supply of feelings, actions around him.

BUT also
self-inflicted failure is the abusers doing and by doing so, he proves that he is still the one in control of the situation, he's still the master of his own life, he chooses to fail

OMG! that is so true! even when they are spiralling seemingly out of control, they are still pulling the strings!

Are you all beginning to see what you are up against? why getting them out of your lives ASAP is the only way to getting on, and being free!