Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

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try again

Yes it is control, he is taking a system YOU arrived upon, and is making it now his own by DEMANDING you call him when you were going to anyway, PLUS he managed to get digs in AND ruin your good day! Bonus Score in the World Twationships of Twatathletics.

Stop the routine. Go Random for a while! If he says anything, say Oh I got busy, or nothing really to add, so I called Friday instead. KEEP HIM ON HIS TOES!

Oh yeah, and if he says anything, say This is not a JOB, I'm not CLOCKING IN, I'm calling when I need to updated you on DC.

I'll call when it's convenient, it's not like i want to talk to you. I'm just trying to keep you in the loop FWIW, it's certainly not for my benefit, so it'll be on my terms.

Oh yes, and never, ever refer to anything in that email of his, you never got it. In the future, if there is another version of this, say, oh yes I skimmed the email, didn't really absorb it though, too busy, what was it again? Didn't really read it, oh yeah saw it but forgot what it was going on about...

ONE: that'll take the wind out of his sails and show him that you are not hanging on his every word.

TWO: it'll remove a way he is using to get at you,

If he starts ranting, say, Ooh, other line, someone's waving at me, or dinner about to burn, and hang up. every time. it works, it cuts them off as they are working up to full power control stuff.

Wiz - here's the thing, Hissy is spot on. If you distract yourself, move out of his way, stop him in his tracks when he starts, shut down, shut him out.

Wonder off singing is you have too but DO NOT stand there and let him cut you to the quick. DO NOT let him into your head.

He's out of your heart. Get him out of your head too. YOU CAN DO THIS xx

awww wiz the man is a twat, tell him that u will fucking email on ds updates and he can can go screw, enforce his legal rights? only he has reasonable grounds, what a knobend,

JK takes it to an artform! well done JK, good call!

yep, EMAIL him updates, issue a frigging newsletter once a week!

Since leaving/getting rid of X, I don't do what others expect of me, it's really liberating!

Done Hissy
Sorry ladies, not much good to you today, have chronic PMT and feel massively angry with all these wankers.

I'm afraid I dont see X as an individual as such any more - he is just another abuser and they are all so startlingly similar I'd like to shoot 'em all where it hurts!

They are though aren't they, they deserve no compassion, no sympathy, no leeway, nothing. why should they deserve it? when they have shown us nothing but cruelty for years?

Confused, confused, confused. Am missing him desperately. We can't talk and I feel that by shutting me up he is just abusing me more. Does that make sense? I'm so stuck in the 'if only things could change' mode. Am thinking of good bits, company, sense that there was hope and now there is none.
Rubbish day and starting to worry that I have some kind of narcissistic personality disorder too. Thought I could begin to get out of Alice in Wonderland nightmare and now feel I'm going further into it. Plagued by doubts

notsorted - you're having a wee blip. It's ok. Be as confused as you like, that's what he has done to you. It is their mission to make you feel like this.
You do NOT have NPD ok? You have been the prey of an abuser and these feelings are NORMAL. The good bits you remember are his putting on an act to keep you hooked which, as a decent person, you thought were genuine moments of connection.
Sorry but they were not.
These nightmare feelings - that if you could only see him everything would be ok - are what he has trained you to feel. That you will crumble without him. That only he can make it better.
It is not true
These feelings are your poor damaged psyche trying to come to terms with what has happened to it, and highlighting just how fucking dangerous he is.

Keep posting here. I know these feelings, they almost physically hurt, but they are normal in the circumstances, so let us validate them for you.
Big hugs to you xx

darling darling notsorted what u r feeling right now is normal, you miss being in a relationship but babe it wasnt a relationship iyswim, if he loved you and cherished you and was the right man for you he would never ever treat you so badly, i still get bad days now, just ask hissy and mouse but the days were i am lol with my friends, sitting in my own flat with my gorgeous ds not having to watch what i say and walking on eggshells far outweigh the bad ones, you will soon feel better, YOU deserve to feel cherished xx

Dear MO,
think that's why am resisting mediation, don't think I can cope and scared of being weak again. Weird how he did say you won't be able to cope etc. So got used to idea of not being able to cope and then would call him in tears and he'd come back. But then it cut both ways - who was pulling whose strings.

Dear JK yes you are right. Think the bits when I thought he was cherishing me were just normal things that a normal DP would do and you'd think nothing of it.

And both of you wise women - better to dwell for a moment and cry or bloody-mindedly get on with something else?

just keep posting babe, we have all been where you are and we still sometimes still do, its just how weve been conditioned x

Do whatever you need to do, have a good cry, punch a pillow. I would let it out if i were you, but there are no rights or wrongs. x

ok, tks. Just don't know how I feel about anything. And sort of miss having him to talk to about it. We didn't really talk or solve anything and that 'if only' goes round in my head. And then wonder if I'm doing right thing by ducking mediation. Am I doing the kind of avoidance thing too?

you werent talking to him about anything he was talking at you xx what is left to mediate? he doesnt make you happy love, its not real true love where your partner should be your best friend too not a person who wants to change you, dictate to you etc, he wants you to be someone you are not and trust me on this even if u do change the way you act it will never be enough x

Notsorted, you are doing brilliantly and I think the advice here is fantastic so listen to the girls here rather than what your very brainswashed by him mind is telling you to do. In a way I suppose its like you're grieving for the relationship that never was. I can imagine that when I get to your stage I will suffer from the same blips and worries as you. You are doing great. I wish I could be as strong as you and take the next step but I am struggling hard with it for the simple reason is I am so terrified of the trouble it involves. Even though I know it is probably like ripping off a couple of bandaids I know he will make himself this poor victim, involve the kids, and god knows what else. Plus I've already tried to get rid of him a few times even going so far as to refuse to conduct any sort of relationship over the whole of Christmas last. for weeks on end. Back to square one I am more miserable than ever and hiding it.

God its so frustrating and I am doing a lot of that biting my tongue stuff not engaging but at the same time he is pushing all the buttons to do it just to get to me. He was away all morning so I missed an appointment for my DC , it wasn't his fault that he was away all morning he was at an apt himself but when he came back you would swear the world and me were all against him the moaning that was coming out of it. Meanwhile I had had to ring and cancel DCs apt because I wouldn't make it and he just kept going on about how crap he was feeling having had to wait around for a few hours. Then he went up to BED. I made dinner and wen I asked him at bedtime to put the kids up to bed so I could sit down and watch the soaps he started ranting on about how he always does everything.All he was doing was sitting at the kitchen table on his laptop playing games. He lives in another world altogether. Dellusional is not the word.

He is so f-ing petty. He has no f-ng sense of humour. He has taken one of those funny status updates on fb and because he saw all my girl friends hitting like on it and sharing it he has gone and changed it on his own page to suit himself to get back at me now! Its as if he's saying "look at me I'm so clever and I don't take that crap from a woman" Ahhh VENT.

Hey Breakfree,
that sounds so familiar. Mine always felt tired, had a cold coming on and would spend hours on the computer instead of doing anything or interacting with me.
I cheered up when I read a whole load of emails and drafts that never got sent. All stuff about him walking out, not helping out, would he just say what he would do and could we just talk about childcare etc. And I just watched a couple of things on YouTube that others had recommended ... lots about boundaries. Keep saying barriers to myself instead of boundaries ... Freudian slip or what?
Hope you get some sofa time this evening xx

sometimes i sit here on my own and watch my friends with thier happy lives and in particular two of my besties be in 2nd relationships after leaving thier abusive partners, they laugh together and enjoy their lives, i want that and i am yet to reach that stage, i still think if only, it scares me to move on, i thought i had the perfect family and it was all a lie, the only thing that keeps me going is my beloved ds x when i feel sad i get ds out of bed and snuggle him, just asked ex if we could take sometime over school hols so we could do something over holidays as ds has been talking about it with his friends and how they are going with thier dads, poor ds asked ex and he said inshsllsh

Just wafting in with a random realisation I had today: I don't know what stbxh's laugh sounds like. And I was with him for 12 years. Everybody who's been with me 5 minutes knows what I sound like when I laugh: I'm very open and joyful around other people. Stbxh's modes of being, however, did not include joy: he did rational, contemptuous, angry, satisfied, and soppy. But never joyful.

JK, DS dad is pretty much a deadbeat, or has been up till now. He abused you very badly, and still continues to do so.

Why on EARTH are you giving this lowlife creep any space at all in YOUR life.

You need to manage your boy's expectations. He does know why you are not together doesn't he? you haven't sold him a pile of lies to protect that bully? You MUST tell DS the truth, you must say to him that Daddy does love you, but he may not always do what is expected, you are sure he will try, but, but it may not happen. Otherwise DS is going to be disappointed again and again and again. It'll wreck his confidence.

Why on EARTH would YOU want to spend anytime en famille with the Ex? for the love of god, pack this thinking in JK! It's the reason why you are not moving on, twatfeatures still has his tendrils in your life!

If X wants contact with his son, he comes to YOUR house, knocks on the door and you open it, let DS out, kiss him goodbye and say see him later. (or if not safe to do so, at a contact centre).

You don't tell him anything about your life, only talk about DS related matters, nothing else. HE'll use it against you. You seem to have lost sight of what kind of a creature you are dealing with. You don't think he's normal do you?

You know what kind of stock that man comes from. You know he'll never make father of the week year, even if he wanted to be a better dad, where on earth is he going to get that knowledge? his family? his culture?

Sorry JK, tough talking, but your life is stalled and you are both still expecting X to pull through. He has more chance of walking on the moon.

Give yourself a shake and stop this rot. now.

Oh sigh. stbx just had a go at me over DC not trying enough. (has spn)
No one is ever good enough for that lazy egotistical narcissistic son of a b. I'm f-ing angry. I'm f-ing pissed off. I argue back. He goes one better. Don't you dare bring down my dCs you twat. Course I'm going to argue back. Arhhh that is my downfall. Then he says - I'm sick of you at this stage. Thats a JOKE and a half. I've sat her all evening before this brewing. Brewing for it . That makes me worse I know. I was sitting here thinking I can't f-ing stand you you horrible asshole.
I am becoming as bad as him am't I ? I have so much pissedoff feelings in me. I wish he would just disappear.

No, you are not as bad as him. He engineeered this, you know it, the writing was on the wall, well email. He was spoiling for a fight and wouldn't stop until he got it.

give the fucker a round of applause!

If he ever brings the DC into it, say, when you are finally GONE from our lives, you won't need to worry/fret or complain about them will you? Shall I get your coat?

When are you going to find that final straw BF? you need to really detach and stop negotiating and keep on repeating YOU NEED TO LEAVE, over and over and over again. the sooner the better, so you can find a decent H and a better father for your beloved DC.

Be contemptuous of him at all times, sneer and use all his shit on him if you need to. Go on complete strike where he is concerned, no food, no washing nothing.

i think i was brewing for this personally to create a scenario that i could say f.off.i think ive half manipulated this, this evening. last few days he has just been scraping at the scab and me too timid (and im not really timid i just dont like trouble) said nothing.all day i thought how good life would be without his control.his moods.his temper.his jealousy.his pettiness.his downright rudeness. then i just got sprked because he belittled the efforts of my dc.i am currently in spare room.i dont mind because i prefer it and i think i will start being a bitch. he called me a cunt downstairs.again.think i will start being one and call his bluff.