Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

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try again

I'd like to see decent soft play centres with a dress/tattoo code

Morning all

Breakfree - what a childish man he is. Playground jibes? Pathetic. What a shallow little man. I so wish you could stand up to him but I totally get why you don't want any trouble. It's so hard when you are stuck in that situation. Big hugs to you lovely xx

Breakfree :

"Don't talk to me like this"

"You don't like it/tea/coffee/the moon landings DO IT YOURSELF!"

Get rid of this clown, the stinky comment is evil

Barbie: "Does he really want to make his life a misery AND yours?" - yes. realise this. He wants to make your life a misery, the unhappier you are, the more control he has. His annoyance is merely a necessary evil, it's all about making your life crap.

Hello ladies, I hope you are all staying strong

I am still riding my emotional rollercoaster, but can now kind of anticipate when the dips are coming and cling on for dear life (oh dear, that sounded profound!)

He is still going on about my "moving on" text, wants to know what it means, do I still love him, yadda yadda yadda.

Deep down I DO still love him, and have told him this, but have also said that I am not happy with the way things are, he cannot depend on me to fill all the gaps in his life that should be filled with friends and social life, its not healthy.

I have been struggling massively with guilt issues over plans to end the relationship. My dad walked out on all of us (mum was pg with my little sister) and he emigrated to the US leaving all his debts meaning that mum had to sell the house and we were all homeless. I know my situation is NOTHING like what my Dad did, but I really don't want to be that person!

So my compromise (mainly to myself) is to give him a chance to sort himself out and put things right first.

He still hasnt mentioned counselling or made any attempt to put wheels in motion, but I feel that this is the major deal breaker at the moment. The ball is in his court. I am going to continue getting strength and inspiration from all my amazing friends and live my life how I see fit. He has the choice to either sort himself out and join in the fun, or do nothing and end up on his own.

Thats reasonable isn't it? I have to admit I feel much happier now I have come to this decision, if we do split I know, hand on my heart that I have done everything I can to make things right first.

sending you all massive hugs. Stay strong

Hi tmoo,

you will know where you're line is. If that is counselling or nothing then stick by it. Why don't you go for some counselling on your own too? You can work out or rehearse the scenarios ... it could be that it helps you stay strong and also reinforces fact that you have done all that you can?

big hugs

Dear all,
despite being free with my advice to others ... why can you suggest things but then feel bad because you don't follow advice yourself?

I am angry that himself and MiL sought to minimise what was happening even when I told her - she is only grandparent -and now feel shut up in a box by him not taking any responsibility for what happened? I want to screaammmm sometimes. I do want rest of world to see what a shit he has been and what a shit he is continuing to be by just saying only thing I want to discuss is contact and not see that contact without resolution will be crap. Aaarghhh

Morning wonderful threadmates
Mouse you are a true lioness. Good for you for standing up to that git in soft play. x

Been checking out EA on Youtube. Here's a few links:

One phrase rang true "Emotional abuse is like being pushed off a cliff by your partner and then they run and catch you at the bottom"

Also is a narcissist himself and gives a very good insight into the mind of the abuser.

In my current situation contact is crap, there has been no resolution.

He left in Feb, my decision and at first was seeing DS at my place twice a week and then alternate weekends at his place, this was really difficult, I hadn't even recognised abuse at that point despite counsellor, I now see, hinting about my safety, then massive escalation Easter time followed by police involvement and now non-molestation order and specific issue order so he cannot remove him from the country. He, and this is what I find so very upsetting, is as awkward as possible, whenever possible, tried passing messages through DS and not as court said by text, now after solicitor sent him a letter he does text but only ever to demand extra contact, I want..... , I will........ Obviously has no consideration for DS whatsoever, despite him loving DS immensly and being very close to him. I despair because his anger and determination to get revenge on me overides everything and this makes me feel so hopeless for the future, tbh I am finding it very hard to cope with this awareness at the moment and am in some kind of second shock, after realising that I was abused for all those years. I am so scared for the future, but remain resolute that no matter what shit my DS and I go through in the coming years it is so so so so so much preferable to the shit we lived in for so long.

So sorry for long post, but what I wanted to say notsorted is that I am with you all the way, but very much doubt that there will ever be any sort of resolution - they don't want that and we only have control over our own actions. x x

Hi ladies, I've been following this thread on and off but not posting as I am trying to avoid posting while at work (old bad habit). Just to notsorted and iampos: I left me EA ex two years ago. I got a contact order through the solicitor. He wanted mediation: I went to the first session (you see mediator separately) and said I didn't think mediation was appropriate as he was abusive. The mediator didn't ask for details, just sent a letter to both of us saying that mediation was not appropriate in this case.

Don't look for vindication or resolution through the legal process - what you can get out of is a degree of certainty. Things got better because every time my ex tried to put pressure on me about contact, I could just point to the legal agreement and refuse to negotiate new arrangements just to suit my ex. Like iampos, I was afraid of my ex taking my DD out of the country (I wrote to the passport office here and to my ex's embassy leaving instructions not to issue a new passport if he applied). Luckily my ex is too broke to do much about it.

The legal process is not about making you feel better emotionally - you need to do that work separately. Be clear about what you want out of it (not for everyone to know what your ex is like - just to have a set arrangement that you don't have to re-negotiate over and over).

The one thing I want to say is that it gets much, much better. Your head gets clearer once you've spent time away from your ex - he stops having so much power over you. The massive things for me is that I have so much more headspace to concentrate on my DD. We never had a bad relationship, but it's only now I realize that when I was still with my ex, I was always distracted to some degree by looking over my shoulder wondering what my ex would do next.

For both of you (and for others - sorry not to answer more generally, trying to do this fast!) it sounds to me like your STBX's are aware that their control is slipping and they're throwing everything they have at you in one last major attempt to wrench the control back. This stage is hard, but once you're through it, it's much, much easier on the other side. Your ex's will still be a pain in the arse, but they won't dominate your thoughts they way they do now.

"We never had a bad relationship" - that's me and DD, just to clarify. Ex and I had a horrific relationship.

" despite being free with my advice to others ... why can you suggest things but then feel bad because you don't follow advice yourself? "

Don't worry about it, nostsorted. Give yourself a break! The fact that you're able to give good advice already means that you know what you should be aiming for. The fact that you're having a hard time putting that advice into practice yourself is ok, it's normal. These are tough things to do! They go against years of conditioning.

I thought the same as you, but I found that the more I give advice to others that I know I should be following myself, the more the message gets fixed in my mind and makes it easier for me to follow, in time.

I don't dare click on that second link, MadameO. Is it triggering?

Dear iampos, gosh you sound so much stronger than me, so am in admiration xxx
On advice of solicitor am hanging out for him attending course and not mediation immediately - he has form and stuff that police know about - so will be very difficult for him to wriggle out of some of it. I don't want to end up in court but I don't want what's happened to be minimised anymore. He hasn't been directly abusive towards his DC, but has to mine from previous relationship and I'm worried that his ishoos will mean he can't cope with DS on his own anyway. Or do I need to let go of hope for resolution?
Am worried about shit past, shit present and shit future unless I stand firm now. But then why didn't I stand firm in past???? Tussles with self are agonising

(( iampos )). Yes, he wants to tear at you. Because he's a sad man who doesn't know more constructive ways to get satisfaction in life.

Don't despair; try not to let him get you down. It's his baggage, his internal shitstorm, that he's trying to spew onto you.

And everything that Nickname said about letting the legal process deal with practicalities, while you deal with your emotions (and not his!) separately.

Welcome, Nickname, btw. God yes, I vow every morning not to post from work... and then do. But less and less, so I hope to get there eventually.

Thanks, ItsMe. I'm forced into discipline now as I share an office mate who can see my monitor...she'll be back any minute...

Hey, to all you trying not to post/or worried about posting. I guess we all get there in the end. Perhaps the trajectory of this thread is to lurk, then to post a lot, then gradually to lurk and sometimes to add a word or two to others and then finally to let all go ... it's all part of the healing process I suppose.
Still can't do those smileys, but the sun is shining where I am and hope to enjoy the day and the DCS when I'm through with work

Thanks for the links MO - saw this one - it's awesome!

can we all have a look at it please?

Sorry you are having such a shit day sweets xx

notsorted - that used to be me too, the advice thing. You can't see it when you are in it either. Your situation is different isn't it? That's what you brain tells you anyway. Keep going lovely xx

Going to catch up.

wizbit, don't you DARE call him. Don't you ffing dare, you HEAR ME?

You didn't GET that email. You didn't, your colleagues took you out and you didn't get back to your desk.

Take back the power, it's YOURS.

"Again I stress I am the only one who has reasonable grounds to end our marriage"

Oh Fuck off! go on, fuck the fuck off and when you get there, go to the ticket office, get yourself a single ticket to the far side of Fuck.

You are unable to end the marriage are you? You are sold into slavery are you?

"He ALWAYS does this. Every time I have a day I'm excited about, he makes it a point to find a way to ruin it by starting an argument." YES, YOU ARE RIGHT ON THIS SCORE, this is exactly what he is doing, My X was the same. It's a ploy, don't rise to it.

be blithe, fluffy and airy. tell him you didn't see any emails, and if he talks about it, say, don't be silly, access is not an issue, never was, and today is not the day I'm going to discuss it. bye and hang up, or leave the room/go out.

yes, yes, yes yes, YES to all that hissy says, I see what everyone says about your wisdom and
YYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS especially to

Oh Fuck off! go on, fuck the fuck off and when you get there, go to the ticket office, get yourself a single ticket to the far side of Fuck.

YYYYYYYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

TO THEM ALL!!!

How can reading something make you feel so much better? I don't know, but it does!!!!

WELL DONE HISSY

I will repeat what I said earlier, I know NOTHING, Zip, nada, niente, nichts.

I know jack shit about how to deal with these total arses, but what I am now is FREE, free from the fog, confusion, chaos that these disgusting people create to distract us from the fact that they are worthless human beings.

I'm not wise, not at all, far from it.

All that happened was that I woke up, and I am really pissed off at what I see as unjust. I've had years of being kept quiet, all that has gone now. I have planned and rehearsed a million rows in my head, concocted the ultimate in put downs, I learned from a master and now I am FREE to roam the earth! mwuhahahahaha!

Punch away girl, fill yer boots!

There is nothing I do, think or say that no-one on this thread couldn't do.

If I'm extra-ordinary, we here are ALL extraordinary! We are strong, clever, funny, loving and caring, it is our time to get free and stay that way!