Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

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try again

I think that 'abdication of responsibility' is very common. I think it's cultural and historical, and sometimes has to do with the dynamics of parents - one is busier, more tired other is better at one thing than another. That's all fairly acceptable, because we are all different etc, take on different roles in the relationship. Perhaps we should have checked all this off when we got together with them.

But when partners don't agree on this, all I see is that the children suffer. They suffer because, essentially, their parents are arguing about who should spend less time with them, rather than more time with them. My guess is that this is hugely damaging to kids and often they picked it up when they are very young. As soon as I realised that, (I saw it in a friend) I just took over, cared for and spent as much time as I could with DCs and saw it as a privilege to do it.

But on the subject of emotional abuse, from what I have read, narcissistic men will have no concept of how much whatever they do, or don't do, harms the children. They certainly don't care about how it affects their partner. Taking over where that partner leaves off is what we do to keep things together, and ultimately it's their loss if they can't be with they kids, not yours. But in the end, only you can decide whether what they are doing is a tactic to undermine you deliberately. The bad news is, even if it's not an undermining/obstruction tactic, it indicates a lack of compatibility and if it carries on it poisons the relationship on a very deep level because it involves the children in your conflict.

imampn I think seeing my stbxh be selfish with the kids, was a massive part of my road to recovery; I cant blame MY behaviour for that..i couldnt normalise what he was doing and think along the lines of 'but if I hadnt said such-and-such' or 'if I had done this for him' 'if I hadnt over reacted about that thing' he might be being less selfish/being more helpful/ more affectionate. And you certainly cant blame his behaviour as a reaction to the wee bairns behaviour...although he has tried on occassions

barbie...there isnt much chance of him turning it round if hes been like this for 25 years??

I've notice dp watching loads of macho movies recently. I know he wouldn't want to watch romcoms, and that's normal, but he has them on while he's doing his work! He seems to be wanting to consolidate his mindset, back up his own ideas of men being men tough and aggressive and not looking after kids and wives.

bejeezus I know what you're saying about 25 years, but I too, have not realised the error of my ways for 25 years and it's a revelation to me. I think my plan is to get him to talk to the counsellor and give him the book. The chances are he'll throw it back at me, in which case he's had his chance and life will go forward without him. At the moment he's clueless (believe me he has no idea this is not normal behaviour), like I was clueless 6 months ago.

TheregoestheFear thanks, though I am not worthy, at all.

When X left I felt I couldn't come on MN for a while, that I'd lost my place, I didn't fit anymore, had nothing to offer... after all WTF did I know? after 10 years of abject stupidity (as I thought at the time) what on earth do I have to say of any note?

I can't help myself directly, I don't sit and meditate my issues until something occurs to me. I read the words of others and try to empathise, and write the processes my head goes through trying to help them.

It's thinking on behalf of others that gives me the discoveries, the decisions, the coping strategies. I literally have no idea what I'm doing, or saying, but if it helps any one of us feel a little bit better today, even for a moment, it's worth it. I might learn something myself too!

Oh the things that X said about me to his friends apparently... waxed lyrical he did. TO HIS FRIENDS...

to mine: he'd shagged 249 women, that you've never shagged a woman till you've shagged a colombian, (his last GF was colombian, 10+ years ago, and the one that won't leave him alone, the one with the birthday he confused with mine, again, after 10 years of us being together. It's exactly half way to christmas FGS, how hard can it be?)

That he was shagging some business partner's wife, and planning to marry her sister, oh yes and I had spent 5 years in a mental institution.

Even his own cousin, who saw the enormous swollen bruised elbow twatface gave me, said He does love you? I said no he doesn't. Have a photo of it somewhere.

Oh the joys of fatherhood, apparently... but he wouldn't do a thing to help me, ever.

This last week he said he wanted to have another child with me (did I forget to mention that?) I asked him HOW? We are 2000 miles apart, I will never share a bed with you ever again and even if I were drugged, gagged and bound, deliberately impregnated, HE would not have anything to do with the upbringing both by his own choice and now by mine as I don't want him polluting my DC brains with his abuse and view of women.

That kinda shut him up.

Herhissy your ex is completely delusional. I wonder if he was always like that or is it a new talent he's picked up now that he knows he's got no hold over you?

What you do is amazing - the best advice is from those that give it for free. You are completely impartial (although with your own strong views). It really does help that you are so direct and put things in perspective the way that you do. Never underestimate that. Your strength used to be sapped by your ex, now you are using it in a way that is productive.

how awful hissy--what did your friends SAY (to you) about your ex's bragging/bravado/bullshit??

bejeezus - sorry it's taken me so long to answer your question

I have Degenerative Disc Disease, Herniated Discs and Facet Joint Syndrome. All lower back stuff. I have been on crutches for 2.5 years now, but manage without them most days, good days and bad, same as everyone else I guess!

I take a whole host of pain meds, morphine, co-codamol, diclofenac, you name it, I've tried it.

My pain makes caring for Nemo that little bit harder. I can't always get up from the floor if we're playing so have to get DH to get me up, I struggle to lift him and struggle with stairs and slopes.

They are going to give me a series of injections in my spine, anasthetics and steroids, to try and reduce the pain by about 70%.

I'm on a waiting list........

Hope you are all staying afloat, will catch up later, toddler party awaits! EEEEEK! Much love to you ladies xx

ditto, no idea how you cope Mouse
x

wow mouse-thta must be hard. Hope the injections are successful..how long is the waiting list?

Mouse is an awesome woman. Full Stop.

There is an up side to Egypt... I ONLY HAD ONE FRIEND, and the conversation was between twatface and my friend's H. My poor friend spent the best part of a week worrying, not sleeping before finally emailing me.

Her H called me, we spent 2 hours on the phone talking things through, he clearly saw through twatface and it made him more resolved to help me than ever before.

Twatface was trying to get my friend's H to insist that she never have anything more to do with me. All those ridiculous lies for one reason only, to take my only friend away from me.

Stupidly he forced me into a ME or HER situation, the choice was a no-brainer!

My x forced me into a him or my two DDs situation, also a no brainer, why do they do that? although to my shame it took me a while to realise that he really wouldn't change his attitude, fine at the start, but gradually and then rapidly downhill.

I'm so glad for you that you had that friend with a decent H, thank god that there are men like that around, there's hope for the world after all, that may sound dramatic, but I do sometimes wonder if there is anyone decent out there.

Thank you so much ladies your kind words are lovely to read.

bejeezus - when I saw the specialist in June, he said that the waiting list was 2/3 month's depending on emergency admissions.

He's one of the best in the UK and has his own website, so he must be good!

I have no idea how on earth I survived 2 hours of soft play toddler hell. Why do they let big kids in to the little kids area? I actually threw 4 kids out and was told by their 'father'? (who was pissed) that I was 'bang out of order and should mind my own fucking business' so I picked Nemo up and showed him just why I was concerned that there were such huge kids in the soft play. He dragged them out and said very loudly 'you know you shouldn't be in there, get fucking out'

What an awesome role model he will be

I'm now sat at home with a huge glass of wine shandy.

How are we all? Been quiet on here today, is everyone okay?

Dear Mouse
urgh it's always the dads who get all aggressive at toddler play places -- it's like they don't actually see the other kids there at all.
And good luck with your back, and great that you still do all this stuff with Nemo.
X
Ps they should have symbol for take my hat off to you

Hey notsorted - I've been thinking about you sweets, how are you? How has today panned out? I'm cooking dinner and then eating but want to catch up with you.

Massive hugs to you brave lady, I know life is not so great for you and always take your problems as seriously as my own and others. We all have our own troubles don't we hey?

Mwahs xx

Right, as Nemo is asleep, so I'm going to have a quiet night with DH. And who knows, maybe even some.................... sex snuggles

Be strong ladies, be safe and know that one day, you will be free xxxx

ARRRRRRRRRRHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.

Did grocery shopping. It wasn't good enough because I didn't buy him his favourite things. Made tea. It wasn't good enough because I didn't use the right sausages. Niggling niggling annoying me irritating me and if I say boo back its world war three. I spoke during a movie on tv and he gave out because I told him the movie was good and now he couldnt' hear it so would I go and make a cup of tea.So I went out and made two cups of tea. I brought them in and commented jokingly on his stinky socks up on the sofa. He got so over the top offended he turned around and said that I stank this morning lying in the bed of sweat etc. I had only showered before bed. He was being so spiteful. Then just a minute ago he just went out to the back door which was unlocked for some reason. I haven't been out there all day or yesterday and then he swanned in accused me of wanting the house to be robbed. Just little nicking belittling remarks out of spite all the time . I will end up being done for murder [joke]

xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx for you breakfree 'cos someone should be showing you some love!

Can he not think of anything anything half sensible and constructive to say?

Does he really want to make his life a misery AND yours?

I don't get it, I really don't. Who needs it.

They only know how to deconstruct, the idea of being constructive is totally alien to them and yes they wish to make us as miserable as they are, in fact I think they thrive on making us as miserable as they are!!

YES to that! They only know how to put down, break, pull apart, destroy. And all I want is to build.

This was always symbolically clear to me whenever I would play games like Civilisation or Go with stbxh: I wanted to build my little corner of empire and leave others' alone, he just wanted to attack others for the fun of it, even when it was a losing proposition.

It all comes down to the pathetic ego thing: if they can pull someone down, they can briefly feel superior to that person.