Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

[bigbuttons]

try again

fooking hell.....have to go. stbxh supposed to be looking after baby...obviously though, i have corrupted her so that he is unable to settle her.
and there is no way that I could have more than an hour and a half to myself...

notsorted -we havent had the appointment yet...i said no initially because I was scared he would be too manipulative and worried that whilst I would be on guard for it, the mediator wouldnt. Solicitor said not to worry about that...to run every thing past her first...

as I understand it, it is mostly about financial stuff though...disclosure etc

access is arranged but its not legally binding is it, I dont think

its very factual I think

Ill be glad to share once Ive been

got to go girls, teens breathing down my neck. No peace.

arrgh.

Take care all of you.

i tried a stand-off...hes just gone to bed and left baby screaming

night

ok...back...anyone still here

baby easy to settle once i had TURNED THE LIGHT OFF IN HER ROOM...Jeez!!!

at least I now recognise this for what it is
[calm thankful emoticon]

what's going on in my head right now is how I still want everything to be OK between us. I want him to do well, to succeed, be happy, all that stuff. I talk to others about the good things he does, talk about him far too much, in a good way, to people who don't even know him. I can't let him go. I see he could really turn his life around and I could go with him on that journey. And then the day to day slightly abusive comment, slightly abusive act, slightly abusive obstruction, happens and all hope dies. But not for long. I go to rock bottom and then somehow end up thinking it will all be fine. This is happening several times a day and I'm starting to feel dizzy with the constant bouncing up and falling down.

I strip myself bare (emotionally not actually take my clothes off), but I strip myself bare - that is, imagine life without him, and it feels very very empty and I feel very inadequate. I'm not a total loser, I know, but I am so dependent on him as part of my life, he's so much part of the team, I don't know how I could cope on my own.

He's bad, but he's right under my skin.

Now that I've written that, I think I can see that I just want to have it both ways. Have my cake and pretend it doesn't make me fat. What do you think? Sorry to ramble incoherently.

bejeezus - He really doesn't want to look after his own baby does he. How sad is that. Or is it that he's deliberately being inadequate with baby just to wind you up? That's even sadder, and not far off child abuse. But good for you. You get to do it. Enjoy, cos it's the best job in the world. Bloody knackering, but you'll never regret any of it. Leave him in sad and lonely superior twatland.
x

ive felt/been as you describe...bigging him up to everyone...if you say it enough it will be true/??

in my experience, this is exhausting and not sustainable...and you will progress to being a bit numb and tired and physically/emotionally/mentally unable to promote him anymore....and then to hating the fucker

sorry barbie...i get confused on this thread...have you left yours already or still with him?

On a more practical level bejeezus, it is likely that baby is picking up his stress. It is likely that the stress is of his own making while he seethes about what he perceives to be injustice or imperfection on your part. I would keep baby well away from him in that case.

No he's still sitting right here. 25 years on. I have only just (past few months) realised that his behaviour is abusive, I thought it was just his personality - "that's just the way he is" according to his sister, fifteen years ago, when I called her, desperately confused.

barbie--still trying to work that part out...about the kids i mean. he definitely loves them. He displays definite favouritism for the baby...i think because she doesnt answer back/ have opinions...its minimal effort on his part.

ive heard from 3rd parties that he is a very proud father...always talking about his family (when we are not around)

but he does literally NOTHING with the kids...he sees them in passing. they love him and enjoy that time...and dont know different, as he has always been pretty absent...

i think he enjoys the illusion of being a family man. hes from a diferent culture, so that may play a part. He thinks its wimens work i think??? but he truly believes he does more than most men

wow...25 years...whats your plan?

i thought it was his personality too...still do sometimes. still doubt that it is 'abuse'

I'm off for some zeds. Last two weeks of school! No more playground loitering ever again! Yay!

I'll make a plan tomorrow.

Bejeezus my stbx does the same with baby, i 'chose' to have them so their not his responsibility. This statement is far from true and will fill you in more later but it took his brother to calm him down and talk him out of forcing me to have an abortion with dc2 :( Sorry if i'm not around much at the moment but i'm trying to get a foundation in place and keep some sort of calm in the house whilst he's in a sulk again! not long now until we're out of 'his hair' < his words not mine x

Λsorry that last post sounded a bit abrupt i hope it makes sense. I was told that I wouldn't be able to conceive but I was one of the fortunate ones to fall pg not once but twice after I have always been grateful for this and hence why i wasn't going to be ungrateful to the guy above for blessing me with such wonderful children, he's often said to me since 'he regrets having children with me' used to hurt me to the core but now i'm realising it's all his ways of winding me down. Hope everyone else is ok x

yeah..i get that too..i chose to have the kids..and i chose to divorce him...so i had better get used to looking after them by myself!!!

i do anyway. i just make the mistake occassionally, when im really desperately tired, of asking him for help. stupid really, i know its never worth the brain fuck. I suppose it shows im not yet really free...i still think MAYBE things will be different

what kind of foundation miss?

just reading over this...
and yes barbie - despite me saying I am unclear about his attitude with the kids. I DO think he is inadequate with them on purpose, either to get on my nerves or just so that I will stop asking him to do it. I KNOW he IS capable because there have been a couple of times (emergency situations) when I have had to be away and he has looked after them by himself

Congratualtions Miss for your children

It is indeed the best job in the world

notsorted there is a reason that your solicitor is counselling against meidation; s/he sounds very clued up about abusive marriages, what with the remark about therapy for abusers.

The reason is that bullies are, well, bullies. Manipulative. And your H knows exactly how to push your buttons; he's had a lot of experience of it. And you yourself feel how emotionally vulnerable you are right now. You risk being pushed around in mediation and agreeing to something that is not in your best interests. Really, this is a situation where letting the professionals (solicitors) handle matters between them will save your sanity.

Of course your H is denying abuse and blaming you. They all do. They have rationalised their abuse in order to feel OK about continuing to do it. That bit won't change. There is no reason anymore for you to let his accusations make you feel bad or guilty, or doubt yourself. You know that's what he wants to do, and that it is wrong and bad for you.

Take care of yourself! Let H be the dickhead he is, and protect yourself from his bile as much as you can.

morning ladies xx oh well done wiz

((barbie)) that feeling just tears you up, doesn't it? Hope that he can change, knowing the good sides in him that by rights should prevail... Meanwhile, you feel split into two people: the one who has lost faith, and the one who just wants things to get better, who still wants to hang on...

You say: I see he could really turn his life around and I could go with him on that journey.

Yes, he could. But does he want to?

Yep, my ex does this abdication of responsibility as well on the grounds that it was "my choice" to have DD. Another of tehir common traits I think.

their

What selfish dickheads.

I mean, I know that all of us on this thread are overly unselfish and our way is not necessarily the one to follow either, but I am still shocked by people who are so very self-absorbed and harmful to others, to their loved ones. And I'm pretty sure I'll still feel that way even the day I do work out how to be more healthily selfish.