Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

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Hey, good posts today. I liked the stuff about speed of walking as that was one my things too. Oh and I won't forgot how he'd never help me with buggy up lots of stairs post-caesarean.

And wanted some advice mediation, mediation, mediation - over contact with DC. I talked to counsellor today and started crying again. I can't face him at the moment, can't think straight, not sure whether what has gone has affected DCs, what is for the best?? I want time, does anyone know or had any experience of when they could face doing that?

Hello Ladies, am catching up, not much good for advice as too tired from a weekend away with my lovely friend and her equally lovely daughter (who also has a tWAT in her past)

What I will say is, just because some posters on here have shared their experiences on here, it is NOT so the rest of us can say "Oh well at least he didn't do THAT"

Dont minimise it "just" because they "only" called you a name or did something they thought they could brush off.

It's ALL unacceptable. Anything that makes you feel disrespected, intimidated, undermined or ignored is STILL emotional abuse and doesn't mean you are treated ANY better than the person who is screamed at, slapped, hit or otherwise abused.

Non-abusive relationships are not perfect. They have bad days. There are arguments, there is even sulking. But a good non-abusive relationship will work through it all with ease. Without recrimination. Without fear. Without wearing you down progressively, day after day and making you doubt your right to exist as a free thinking, wonderful individual.

I'm off to bed, sorry I've not been around much, I've been spending time with my fabulous friend and getting Nemo to settle in his own room, his new, own room.

I feel lost and lonely without him at the bottom of our bed so this is a bug a deal for him as it is me.

Anyway, I'm waffling.

Night night brave ladies. Keep going, keep fighting, keep breathing, waking, movng forward day after day.

I think you are all amazing xx

Aw Mouse, what a big step! Nemo will love the adventure of it all I'm sure. Hugs to you. Xxx

bloody neighbour turned up with staff/pit bull shouting abuse on doorstep whilst three kids under 7 in the flat, luckily rl mates at hand

Sounds like a lovely neighbour, jk. Does that happen a lot?

Since yesterday's revelation that the 'out of step' walk was done on purpose, I'm remembering more little, supposedly dumb, things ex did. Ogling other women. I don't mean taking a second look at a pretty girl - everybody does that - but actually swivelling to stare. He only did it a few times (once on our honeymoon, predictably) - and my annoyance was used against me for all time; evidence of my supposed possessiveness.

He did it deliberately, didn't he, to create "ammunition"?
What a fucking weirdo.

MmeO, your post last night made a great point imo: just because some posters on here have shared their experiences on here, it is NOT so the rest of us can say "Oh well at least he didn't do THAT"

Hope everyone has a good day, with at least one positive step forward.

Or he did it to put me in my place.
Whichever, it wasn't simple fuckwittery - it was aggression.

the stuff that cuts us the deepest is individual to each and every one of us.

What evil bastard technique works with one of us, won't work with others.

These men CHOOSE what to do, to cause maximum effect.

What is a nightmare, hell or utter torture to one, may be a walk in the part to someone else.

Likewise what is a breeze to you, would cause utter horror to someone else.

Remember that we spend our lives minimising and normailising abnormal behaviour. Others may struggle to help us because they are so traumatised with the snippets of 'safe' stuff we may let slip.

None of the treatment we receive(d) is acceptable, because it is done with malice.

THE MALICE IS THE ABUSE. ABUSE IS ABUSE IS ABUSE.

have marvellous days everyone, hammering off up the M3 now, back later...

JK, the next time he does that, call the cops and report a thug outside with a dangerous dog - what is that term for those tools that use dogs as weapons?

Hissy - I'd call them twats.

I'm boiling and really hormental. DH is acting odd. I think he's worried about me being in so much pain all the time. He's so fed up

hi all...havent had time to catch up with the thread properly yet...but just wanted to say WOW! to the walking out of time thing. My stbxh did/ does this all the time...not always in front, sometimes behind and nEVER with me. I used to find it so humiliating. I would never have realised it was all part of the protocol. Really really WOW! what a revelation...its all these small things isnt it? They can all be discounted on their own. We can be called 'mad' if we add them all up together on our own, and present them to the wankers. But when we get together on here and share experiences-it all becomes slowly clear.

Mine also had a 'habit' of standing in front of me if we were talking to someone-I mean between me and the person that we were talking to; so I was excluded from the discussion and really humiliated because I could either step out from behind him in order to talk or just stay there like a muppet and keep quiet. On a few occassions I had stepped out from behind and he stepped in front of me again; he used to do it really casually as if he were just changing position and 'hadnt noticed me there'! Towards the end, I just used to walk off and continue on my way.

oh and labour stories----mine stopped at traffic lights on the way to the hospital, when my contractions were at

hey bejezzus

Okay, good day turned bad ... am wrestling with fact that I don't want DS to be bought up shuttling between two parents etc and especially since way breakup is going it is getting so terrible that I don't think we will ever talk to one another again, but if I say ok call off the solicitors etc then whole abuse issue will just be buried and denied/not talked about only to flare up again and lead to more mess. We have been back and forth so often and I know the not talking/not dealing with how he deals with arguments/stress ie abusively is not going to change unless ... but then again I don't want to go where solicitors will lead us ...
Any ideas? Thoughts?

notsorted, so sorry you're having such a tough time. I'm not sure that I know what the answer is. Except to say, take lots of deep breaths, one day at a time. Don't let anyone bully you into doing what you don't feel is right.

Trust your instincts. When we spend our lives being bullied we become really skilled at over-riding our instincts. Not listening to and not trusting ourselves.

Now, take a deep breath. Where do you think the solicitors will lead you? Is that so bad? Is it the expense. Is it stbx who's threatening you with a tough time if you want to use a solicitor?

Tks seriously
problem is that stuff that went on was unacceptable -- emotionally abusive, but came from ex's stresses and problems that I accepted and understood and always felt we might have sorted. Now position is he wants mediation about contact. My solicitor says not a good idea and has pushed him going on proper abuse programme and other stuff, he denies abuse and blames me. So don't want to go to mediation as it will, I think, just concentrate on basic contact without any discussion of things he can and can't cope with and some of that will affect DS, plus there have been attempts to do things when we were apart and nothing lasted because of his isshoos. So to push the programme I have to list all the crap that's happened and not be emotionally involved in whole thing. I am emotionally involved and we've been almost this far before but then got back - though nothing fundamentally solved. And I bloody miss him and miss him being with DS.
Don't know better to be cruel to be kind ie go the solicitor's way with risk we end up in court or to try some other way. Is there another way?

oh, and the walking thing!!

when H and I went to buy our wedding rings he went striding off ahead of me, crossed the road without me..... etc... Of course, such a tiny thing, that. So easy to normalise it.

Much harder to say to everyone...

"well, you see I've called off the wedding because, um, he wouldn't walk down the street beside me".

hey jk hows your day?

notsorted hiya...sounds like im a few steps ahead of you. its really really hard. Ultimately you want the best for ds. Shuttling between 2 parents (as painful as it seems now) is far less damaging than living in an abusive household. Its taken me years to accept this and I still wobble very often...but its true...

my solicitors have been really great and really gentle, so far..be honest with them. I think they are mostly sophisticated enough to know when its about money or mental health

Hello, can I join in?

I've been lurking since the first thread, and I know a few of you from 'my' thread a few months ago (under findanewnamequick). Thanks to brilliant advice and support from some of you lot I left my abusive H. He's still trying his very best to control me through contact with the children. (Because they're so young, and because I need to 'supervise' him around the DCs, I still have to see him quite a bit.)

I've been reading this thread and nodding in recognition at so many of our abusers' behaviours, and also at our reactions to these.

I am the last person in the world to be giving advice at this stage, so I don't feel able to contribute much. And I'm a bit scared to say too much about my own situation in case H finds this thread. But I just wanted to say hello, that I really appreciate this thread, and say that I worship you, HerHissyness .

sorry notsorted - cross posted with you

NS----my solicitor said mediation is not instead of solicitors-she said when I go to mediation, dont agree to anything without discussing it with her first

mouse-- can i ask why you are in pain?

Can I ask bejeezus what mediation was like?
I go letter from mediator inviting me to attend but said no because it was too early, too upset, couldn't face him etc and fact that he denied anything was matter.
What happens? Do they ask questions? What are you allowed to say or ask. How much background should you give? Do they say anything back or discuss things with you?

notsorted, yep I remember you mentioned before him pushing for mediation.

You know what?

1. he's still bullying you.
2. the fact that you're considering his request for mediation is actually you normalising his actions.
3. your instincts are telling you what to do, listen to them, trust them.

Go and write a list of the abuse, then remind yourself why your solicitor says mediation is not a good idea.