Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

[bigbuttons]

try again

garlic me too, made me feel wanted. When it was summer he wouldn't hold me hand, said it was too hot.

This thread has made me re think loads of stuff.

I've not been able to post much simply because I haven't known what to say to anyone. Reading here has been very overwhelming. There is a part of me that wants t pretend I don't need this thread but of course I know I do. Hissy and mouse and MO always offer such wonderful advice. I don't feel I've much to give atm. I hope that will change,

I can hardly bear to look at him or speak to him, he revolts me to my core, yet I feel sorry for him

wizbit there is a shocking assumption in our society that what women really want is a bit of 'rough'. This has been an excuse by our forefathers to abuse and to teach their sons how to do it, and their daughters to expect it. I am still shocked at the extent to which young people accept the status quo. Do you remember the phrase 'treat em mean, keep em keen'? That used to count for relationship advice in the good old days.

I wonder if there is a book aimed at young women about all this?

garlic I know you are only trying to help but please don't compare me to your friend, I am nothing like her. I don't let my kids be hit so that I am spared.

Regarding walking ahead of people - it's what (some) muslim women are forced to do - walk several steps behind their partners. Mine does the same, always walks ahead. Lack of empathy or cruelty? Who knows?

Sorry for offending you.

That's OK garlic, I'm easily offended at the moment!

:) thanks, bb.

I've a hit a slump today. Don't want to even really exist. Feel depressed and tired. Hiding in my bedroom letting him deal with DCs. Nothing major has happened apart from usual rows and the fact that he slapped a ciggy out of my hand and slammed my laptop shut and shoved it down the table in anger.When I look at him I feel nothing anymore but a longing not to be with him and for him to be replaced with some nice guy that doesn't just care when he wants something out of it. Been having terrible dreams where the clear answer is the fact that I feel powerless and that I need to sort out the issues facing me but I am just not strong enough. Every time I try to sort this out and get out he reels me back in in some way or another. Also been dreaming about this OM a lot again. I took a step back from that to try and get this sorted but my head just keeps thinking about the OM the really genuine nice OM that shares all the same interests as me and we talked all the time and there was a real spark there and I am starting to worry that I am going crazy preoccupying my mind with pure fantasy. The embarrassing thing is that I actually feel like I want to just go and BE with OM ,not necessarily sexually, to remember what it is like to feel an attraction and have fun with AM who does not resort to namecalling and abuse when I don't comply with what he stbx wants. I've never been unfaithful to anyone but for some reason this urge is taking me over. My concience could never live with it no matter what stbx has done to me though. Why after everything he says and does do I still feel sorry for him. Why is he such a jekyll and hyde . Maybe it is me with the problem. My head is so f-d up right now.

Actually, re the walking shit.... X is muslim.

He did the speed walking to piss me off mostly - did it on the flaming giza plateau, around the sodding pyramids, I was struggling to keep up with him, had bags, a 2.5yo and was about 8 wks PG. I lost it the following week. quelle surprise!

when not pissing me off, X would generally walk behind me... but, get THIS! He'd actually hold this up as an example of not mistreating me. Other muslims make their wives walk behind them, but I don't do that, I don't think that's right...

[bollocks] [twat]

Look, I see some wobbling and vacillating here - it's OK we all do it, but I just want to be clear.

It doesn't matter what we want, how badly we want something, how nicely we ask, beg or cry. We won't get it, not a jot of it, unless THEY decide to give it to us.

I now don't tell X what I'd like to happen, because he is just as likely to delberately NOT do it so that I am unhappy and he wins.

The only way of perhaps getting them to wake up (and even then a VERY long shot, and so ridiculously against all odds as to be pretty much deemed impossible) is to get them out of our lives, write them off totally, detach, detach and detach some more. stop caring for them, or about them, cease to take anything they say seriously, they are not real people, they are an entity that is determined to destroy our joy, steal our power and abuse it for their own ego trip.

The sooner we give up ALL hope of them ever rehabillitating, and get on with our lives the better.

If we DON'T kick them out, leave them etc, then what incentive is there for them to change?

Think about it.

Those that wish their DP/DH will change back, will be that better person, you are deluding yourselves and wasting your precious life.

Give up on them. Get on with your lives.

IF they have an epiphany, and genuinely change, they'll know where you are and you can consider accepting them and their heartfelt grovelling apology.

Hi Breakfree, your DCs need you with them, not hiding. Try to be strong. If he starts his twatspeak, assert yourself, firmly. Hiding won't get you nowhere. You can't get out if you're hiding. If he still gives you cr*p, take the kids and walk out, or go into a room and play with them. Try and cut him out and help the kids feel secure that you are there for them.

It may well be that you are filling your mind with things, I guess that's to be expected, but try to fill your mind with your DCs. Whenever I focus on mine, the world's problems disappear and they give me strength.

BreakFree you are strong enough.

What Hissy said. What's the incentive to change if we stay? Exactly what I said to my H this weekend.

What was his response WDIM?

I don't even think if he changed I would want to be still in the relationship. Too much has happened. My heart is not in it. I'm only going through the motions.

Exactly BF, exactly, so why not make the move?

Can't be any Worse now can it?

Another one for the walking speed collection: when I was giving birth to I forget which DC, 2 I think, waddling from where we parked (he couldn't drop me off at the door, of course). He got to the door ahead of me just as I had a massive contraction and had to stop and kind of double up. Hurry up, says he, the door's open and all the cold air is getting in. I argued back, of course - I will be arguing with the undertaker at my own funeral unless they put me in a soundproofed coffin! - but I also tried to hurry up, which when you're in the middle of a birth contraction is pretty much physically impossible. Of course I told myself at the time he doesn't understand, but 24 years on I've dusted off the memory and realised that I don't have to forgive him for it.

He would, of course, swear blind that nothing of the sort ever happened. It bloody well did though.

Oh Puppy, it all came out on Friday night - so much for playing the long game. He asked me a question (i can't exactly remember what) and I felt that if I lied it would make things ten times worse for me when it did come to leaving so I told the truth.

I told him that I believe he has been VA and EA and that once the penny dropped my feelings changed almost instantly. I told him I'd seen a support worker who confirmed that it won't work while we're still together and that I was moving out. It was a relief to get it out tbh. His reaction at first seemed "staged"; lots of tearless sobbing followed by this weird little-boy-lost act. I don't know how I did it but I kept my resolve and remained strong (or hard faced as H put it). I told him this relationship wasn't all about him and later I think the genuine emotion came out when he realised I wasn't bluffing. He does seem genuinely gutted and is maintaing that he still wants CBT to prove to me that he can change so that he can win me back. I have told him that I think things may have gone too far from my pov but I have agreed to see how things go. I gave my tenant his notice the next day so there is no going back. I'm so relieved, if a little disappointed that its not a clean break. I feel I owe it to him and the DC to let him try though.

BF, the OM is a red herring, know that to the core of your being, it's a away for your body/mind to try to detach.

What your H did to you this weekend is violence, it is unacceptable, you know what you need to do.

It will be better on the other side, you know it will. How can it NOT be? seriously?

breakfree what is happening to you is wrong. He is abusive and you are a victim. PLease stop hiding. Come out and stand up to him. Do it for your children

Well, WDIM have and a supportive thread to say anything you need to say. Do you have RL supportive friends you can call? This must be a complicated time for you.

You sound relieved, so getting all out to your H now sounds like it was the right thing for you.

Do you know what you want for the separation while he tries to sort himself out? In terms of length, frequency and type of contact, finances, and any conditions for you to even consider giving him another chance? Since you seem to regret not having a clean break, maybe you will feel more free if you have a clear-cut separation (this will also reduce any open roads for manipulation).

WDIM, fantastic! well done, you have made a great leap today!

Yes I have RL support who have been fantastic. I was prepared to up sticks and move out on Saturday but H is insisting that I stay til the house is ready as he doesn't want the DC moving around. I said I didn't think this was the best thing for him but he says he knows he won't get me to change my mind so I've agreed to stay for now.

In terms of the separation, if I'm honest I don't think we will be coming back even if by some miracle he does change. I think he knows this deep down too. I couldn't risk it again. If he does change and my feelings towards him change/come back then I think we will have to look at the whole "Living Apart Together" thing. To be perfectly truthful, at this moment in time I want to be on my own. I'm hoping any counselling/therapy he gets will help him come to terms with this.

Financially we should be ok. As my mortgage is so low at the moment (on the rented house) I can just about support us on my part-time wage without help from him (worst case scenario) not that he is the type to shirk his responsibilities. I think we will definately need some ground rules about contact etc but for the time being I'm just elated to have my way out so I will have that Cheers! :)

Thank you hissy. Did I mention that its our wedding anniversary today!
We've just glossed over it this year...

WDIM
Cheers, bottoms up, nosdrave, prost!
Happy Anniversary!

Well, it's a day to celebrate anyway!

Like X said to me I'll not forget your birthday next year.. i promise.

I said there won't BE a birthday for you to remember next year, don't worry about it!

WDIM, you do what YOU think is right! We have already qualified that your H doesn't do what is in your best interests, only what is in HIS.

When the house is ready, please move. You have to at some point, the sooner you do, the sooner you will settle.

Rescind your agreement.

My suggestion to you? Whatever H suggests, REFUSE straight away, say no, up front, and reserve the right to change your mind. don't have to tell him that though.

Stop crowd pleasing, it's ripping you to bits.