Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

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try again

it was already taken, so i chose this!!

hey findmecourage

thanks

Welcome findme. You've found the courage you needed: now is the time when you can find yourself in a life free from abuse.

Do get all the real life support you can right now in the immediate aftermath of your H being taken away by the police. It's very good that you are already planning to speak to WA today and with your work; well done.

• Do you have a good contact with victim support, to keep abreast of the police procedures?

• Have you got close friends who know what you are going through so that you can have someone to speak to and lean on when you need it?

• Do you like your GP? You may find yourself going through a fair amount of anxiety and/or depression, so don't hesitate to go see a GP for medication, referral for counseling, and leave from work if you need it to cope.

• Counseling is really recommended: individual counseling to help you make sense of things and find the new direction you want to grow in, and group therapy such as the Freedom programme to deal with the aftermath of abuse with other survivors and help you see that you are not alone.

You are very brave. You did the right and smart thing. It will get better.

(and let me introduce myself: I'm Puppy and I'm 5 months in from leaving my abusive stbxh. Police have also been involved. The past 5 months have been extremely difficult, and they still are, as it is extremely destabilising to let go of your dreams and everything you knew, but I can honestly say that things get better every day. Not only can I survive this, but I am learning things about myself that I never would have questioned without this experience, and I know it's already helping me grow into a stronger, wiser person.)

Hey findme well done on getting out. You've done the hardest part. Keep us updated :)

Events took a turn for me over the weekend. Will post when I have more time today. Just wanted to say morning all.

Morning all.

Sorry for the absense this weekend, had a friend and her DS, oh and her lovely dog to stay, fab time was had by all!

Hello findme - and welcome JK

I'm so sorry to see that there are posters having an awaful time of things. I get so sad reading these posts some days, I just want to scoop you all up and make you safe xx

Dear Findme
I'm just about where you are. It's awful and it does leave you feeling out of control, especially when police, legal system are involved. The important thing is to take all the help and advice you can and that is offered. Good advice is just listening and letting you let it all out. Bad advice is people telling you what to do. I still need to say that I want him to change, want the nice guy and to have the bad guy bit sorted. Just write stuff down, here, wherever, talk.
Yes, you will feel guilty because it's not making sense and you go round in circles, but sometimes there are good bits. I had a rubbish morning yesterday and kids got upset, but then we had a great afternoon together and had wonderful sense of freedom that we didn't have to do what he wanted, be back and eat when he wanted it ... there was no external tension. But sometimes there is a "hole" as someone else here described it which seems empty because you spent so much time and energy trying to make things right for the relationship.
I'm hoping like Puppy that as time creates distance I will be able to say it's all for the best or is getting better.
Stick with us and you've done great so far
xx

Great post notsorted

I love that line "good advice is being listened too, bad advice is being told what to do" as I HATE unsolicited advice. If I ask for advice then I'll gladly take it, with open arms.

But sometimes, you just need someone to sit, to be quiet and to listen. No-one would listen to me after I left my XP. I'd lost all of my friends and my family because he had, one by one, slowly, removed them from my life. He had taken over as my friend and made me believe that he was the only family I needed.

I was so isolated. Captured in his world, so far into his realm, the lies, the deceit, the abuse and the normalisation of it all, that I no longer knew black from white.

So, when I felt that I could let things out, never in order, always random snippets of the abuse, I had no-one I trusted or knew to listen to me.

If only I could turn back time........... if only we all could

DP did a nasty thing to dd yesterday. She had a funny story to tell, made the joke and he did that "what - do you mean ....". Now he does this to people a lot. Just when someone is getting excited about something, he refuses to engage. He cuts people short. I told him in no uncertain terms to "stop that, it's not funny and it's not on. DD had a funny story to tell and you just cut it short. I will not have you do that to my daughter."

He then turns and says something like 'have you had any fun with Mum recently?' or some twattish thing like that. He said it in a quite deflated quiet manner rather than aggressively, which indicated to me that he was actually wary and thinking twice about saying it. DD is 13, and she's peed off with the whole situation. She sees exactly what's going on.

Meanwhile I also see the great things he does, working all hours, work around the house, taking care of dcs when I'm out, making things/ activities with them. He's a good family man (in that sense). Meanwhile I'm engaging with him as a partner - I basically need someone to talk to - and although every night I want to tell him I want out, I feel I have to give him the chance to fix himself.

I'm thinking of handing him the Beverly Engels book and watching the sh*t hit the fan. He will go either of two ways. He will try and gaslight me and make out as though I'm some abusive maniac OR he will realise that he was brought up in an environment that has made him normalise abusive behaviour and what he is doing is wrong, not just because I say it is wrong, but because it is not acceptable on a moral level.

How can I balance all this out? I would welcome all your views - as I said our lives are about to change bigtime because of redundancy, so it is right to make decisions and statements now. He's now talking about moving out of London (we nearly did that until I realised I was just trying to escape HIM, not London). We decided to stay put and I saw a counsellor and decided that this relationship needed to change, not our lifestyle choices.

barbie It's a tough personal call. You have mentioned several times on this thread that you feel that now is the time for big decisions for you. What do you want to do for yourself, if you could make any decision in the world?

(I will butt in with an opinion on hoping your H may get an epiphany from reading Beverly Engels: IMO and IME if he ever has his epiphany, it will be when he takes steps on a journey of self-discovery under his own impulse, not prompted by anyone else.)

barbie - WOW! My alrams bells are ringing so much with this guy.

Can I ask "stop that, it's not funny and it's not on. DD had a funny story to tell and you just cut it short. I will not have you do that to my daughter." - does this mean that DD is from a previous relationship?

And also "He's now talking about moving out of London (we nearly did that until I realised I was just trying to escape HIM, not London). We decided to stay put and I saw a counsellor and decided that this relationship needed to change, not our lifestyle choices." - screams run, run far far away.

I'm sorry but the 'great things that he does' do NOT excuse his behaviour. Not at all. It doesn't work like that. He can't hoover after he's put your DD down like that or hurt her feelings to make it all better.

He sounds very manipulative to me.

Well observed, Mouse, I'm not sure I said 'our' daughter or 'my', but right then he didn't feel like their father. It has only happened a couple of times to her, it may well be that because she's getting older (and feistier) he sees her as someone he can bully. BUT was it just a joke? He was laughing as though we should be laughing too. She makes a joke, and instead of laughing at that he shifts it somewhere else. Is that just poor social skills or is that just nasty?

He's always been like that, it used to annoy me but now it's just a 'roll your eyes' reaction. But when he did it to her, I went livid. As I said the other day, I'm taking NO sh*t from NOBODY at the moment (and peeing lots of people/'friends' off).

He doesn't hoover or clean except when I'm on strike (after he's dropped and slopped for weeks).

But what are the chances if I get him to read the book? Yes he's bad, but he's bad for a reason. When I read that book it changed my life, it may change his too.

puppy - my DB said he learned most about his relationship after he had separated, it was very sad. I think I am trying to prevent that from happening.

Yes, they have to want to change themselves. It may well be the ironic tragedy that men won't change while they are in the relationship. However, I am scared of the gaslighting, that could lead to endless trouble. It is this balance that my decision hinges on. Risk of gaslighting but chance of change v. certain loss of relationship.

What I would want to do for myself?

Well, having been with this man for 25 years, this is hard to work out. I can only look at the long term, and what I want is peace. A life where we all know where we stand with each other, what to expect from each other, a life where we plan and build together, enjoy each others company and encourage each others individualities. Just normal stuff.

My happiness, as with most mothers, depends on my dcs happiness and there's not much time left to set them on the right path.

If I didn't have DC's I would probably have had an affair many years ago (actually I did have a couple of flings when I was totally exasperated). Or I would have self-destructed, as he was leading me there. Perhaps now that DC's are older that self-destruct path is opening up again.

I was 21 when I met him. Big sigh.

barbie - NASTY. Plain and simple. He used that joke to make fun of her as far as I can see.

Then give him the book if you think he can change, my question would be....... does he want to?

barbie it might be useful for you to re read some of the things you have written about already. The most important consideration for you is what is best for your children.

barbie what I see in your answer is the word "together" a lot, meaning you want him to want the same things as you and for both of you to do what is necessary to achieve that.

What does he want?
What do you want that would involve no action on his part?

(btw I totally agree that what you are seeking is "just normal stuff". But is it his normal?)

Barbie, thank you very much for replying to my thread.

Your most recent posts sound as if you're thinking like my friend!! It's completely natural for you to want H to wake up to what he's missing, to change, and to believe that your family could be a peaceful, respectful and supportive one. It's normal to think of the good parts and downplay the bad. But it's akin to wanting the British climate to become sub-tropical, noticing the hot sunny days, and trying not to think about the frost, rain and fog.

You are more aware of the background issues - and of what normality looks like - than my friend. You're posting here; she isn't.

To me, that says you have more insight. What will you do with it?

Barbie, give him a chance to open his eyes by all means, if you feel you should. But don't hold your breath. And don't make any irrevocable decisions (like moving with him to the back of beyond with a mortgage you can only just afford) on the basis that he will or even might.

Personally I found XH would appear to see the light just often enough, and to the extent, that I thought we were making a breakthrough, then he'd either lapse - trusting I was too lazy or non-confrontational to keep picking up on it - or shift to some other offensive behaviour. Eventually I realised that he was not a nice man who is sometimes abusive due to the bad example he had from his father. He was a weak abuser. He'd push as long as he got away with it, then I'd snap and he'd back off and try something more subtle, while I tried to make up for the guilty feeling that I'd been too harsh because obviously he was trying his best.

That thing Hissy's ex did, rushing ahead unencumbered while you struggle in the rear with all the stuff, that rang such a loud bell. I was doing that very thing on holiday once, trying to wrestle a pram down a very steep flight of stairs (in Clovelly it might have been? was North Devon anyway) along with the shopping, two toddlers and a large dog. XH sprang lightly to the bottom of the stairs, looked round and told me to hurry up. I stopped on the stairs and said what the... do you mean hurry up, give me a hand fgs, I'm doing everything here! So he did, and from then on began to be a bit more helpful with carrying stuff (or ordering the DCs to help, more to the point). Incidents like these convinced me at the time that he was willing to learn, so eventually we would get to a good place where he learned to be properly supportive and I learned not to rub him up the wrong way. I was always looking forward to this happy plateau, but somehow we never quite got there. Something else always blew up.

Annie, your Devon story brought back loads of my childhood holidays!

Barbie, what if your DC grow up to be like me and my friend ... ?

Oh yes, my point, you said? Well I think it's that when you've waited 25 years for somebody to "get it", either they aren't capable of getting it or they get it perfectly well, thank you, they just don't choose to do things that way.

As I said to my sister the other day, XH worked out exactly what would make me happy, and then made a point of not doing it.

Ah yes the walking at a different pace thing. STbex would do that, not so much the marching ahed. He did do that once or twice though when I was Pg and unable to go any faster, which was very upsetting indeed. What he would do was complain that I wasn't walking at the same pace as HIM, either too fast or too slow. The irony being I was trying desperately to walk at his speed.
Little did I know that the speed would change whenever I got into step. I would also be told I as walking on the wrong part of the pavement

Barbie and Annie your experiences are ringing bells with me.

Barbie the book may have changed your life and may well change his but my personal belief is that they cannot change without professional help and only then if they truly want to change. Before my lightbulb moment I had been changing & modifying my behaviour (as I'm sure we've all done to some extent) to make myself "fit" into our relationship and try to keep H on an even keel so we'd both be happy, but at the end of the day I couldn't keep it up because it isn't "me". It the same for our partners. They can appear to change but for how long can they suppress their true character?

I was trying desperately to walk at his speed. Little did I know that the speed would change whenever I got into step.

Wow, thanks for that bb. Another bit of my jigsaw just slotted into place!
And how pathetically grateful I used to feel if he held my hand while walking.