Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

[bigbuttons]

try again

Umm, this is more of a ramble than a contribution I'll try and keep it short. On the new abusive parents thread, posters have been talking about a 'hole' inside them. I recognise this, and also that I felt I could fill my 'empty space' by helping people like my ex to share what I had - and they wanted. I felt it would give me meaning, in a way.

That was my Achilles heel. They roped me in with hope. I shared, gave, helped - it didn't fill the hole, and they murdered the good stuff in me including, finally, the hope. Now - much later - I haven't got a 'hole' because I'm filling it myself.

This won't mean anything at all to most readers, but it might to some. It's basically a description of co-dependence, isn't it?

And, yeah, I haven't got any 'stuff' these days. But I've grown some fabulous anemones; they give me honest pleasure every time I look out the window :)

.... I have had several rows with people recently, different ones, DB just now on the phone. I am not able to take cr*p from anyone any more and it's pissing people right off. It seems I was walked over by not just dp, but several other quite close people and I have now realised that it's not acceptable. I have responded and reacted and these people can't cope with this because it's unexpected. Where I would have said 'oh no that's OK, I didn't realise...', I now go 'well actually I don't agree'... In my brother's case he told me to shut up and I said 'don't tell me to shut up' and put the phone down. Until that point he had been pushing and pushing. This often happens with him, everything has to be on his terms (just like Dad).

Is this me just losing my marbles completely or is this me asserting myself against other people that are being abusive (in a very minor way, but still, not acceptable)?

YAY, barbie! Yes, you're asserting your own pov instead of devoting yourself to making others feel good.

I lost about 90% of my friends, and am more distant from most of the remainder. This is, partly, due to location and lifestyle - but it's also down to what you said. They weren't really friends, they were just using me as a mirror.

So fuck 'em

hello all x can i join? Where did the other thread go? Could some link me? And mouseface i will always find you and hissy xx

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1219427-Support-for-those-in-Emotionally-Abusive-Relationships

I say more power to you, barbie! You don't need to apologise and second-guess yourself for not letting yourself get walked all over. Do more of that!

Hiya, looking to replace wishbone with proper backbone if you see what I mean?
Am sitting here hoping that when exP reaches rock bottom he will sort himself out and then we can reform relationship. I know it's stupid but better to admit it than repress it. I have spent day thinking "what if" I hadn't done x or y or done something else instead then we would have managed to sort things out. Basically a day of doubt and regret and guilt.
Anyone want to prod me back to reality?
Aarghhh.

Does this help, notsorted?

There's nothing inherently wrong with hoping, with wondering "what if", with examining yourself to see how you could improve the situation... it just shows what a fundamentally decent and giving person you are.

BUT. Remember that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result. If you're hoping for something that you have expressly tried to obtain from another person in the past, and been denied then, it is foolish to hope for a different result now. It may seem simple and obvious to you what needs to change in order to improve your relationship, but just because it's simple and obvious doesn't mean your exP is either willing or able to make those changes.

garlicnutter it's funny: I have been visualising my core of doubt and self-hatred and insecurity as an empty container rattling around inside me, a type of black hole. A hole where the nurture and ego-boosting I should have received as a small child was replaced by neglect and put-downs from my parents.

You say you haven't got a 'hole' now because you're filling it yourself. I see that as the only solution too. Tell me your secret, though -- how do you do it? [hsmile]

[hsmile] Fucking hard work for a very long time, I'm afraid! Inner child stuff, self-compassion work - with therapists about a third of the time, with books and Mumsnet for the rest.

I'm devoted to the compassion work. It makes perfect sense to me! It even explains abusers in a way, without asking you to put yourself out for them. Come to think of it, that's probably a very BIG part of what I love about it [hwink]

I meant to thank you for the link to Alexandra Nouri. She's GREAT isn't she?!

Dear Puppy
thank you. Need not to torment myself. That is something I think I need to read several times. I just want proof that it's him not me iyswim.

Grrr. Am going to go out for a walk later and try to clear the crap from my head. And weirdly, much as I love the strong posts, fact that we are all finding it difficult and can admit makes it easier.
xx to all you great women out there.

Just dipping in... will pop back properly later...

snaildoodle don't you DARE give up your job, that is what he WANTS you to do... then you are where he knows you are all the time.... he is punishing you for having the audacity to have a life and a career.

MO - I'd get accused of being miserable in company... but I was in a group of people, none of which talking to me and all in a foreign language that I was kind of not allowed to learn. His. I told him, if you are all laughing at a joke or a funny anecdote told in Egyptian, I'm supposed to laugh along? when the whole room knows I understand nothing? [hcomfused]

But if I was happy in anyway shape or form, he'd get a cob on and sulk, or actively do something to bring it to a crashing end.

Oh barbie, I am fighting everyone! well not really, but I recently stood my DAD up because he insisted on dragging his OW/DW to my birthday lunch, when we'd asked him not to. (This witch, among a whole ton of shite, banned us from their home in the late nineties... and he let her) I wouldn't introduce an OW to my son. I don't care how long he has married her, she is still someone who knowingly conspired to rip my family apart, and then carried on to get him to all but eradicate us from his life. There are no photos of us in his home, none of his grandchildren either. They are all in the office over the garage. He has pictures of a dog who died on display though [hhmm]

I won't take crap from anyone, even the headmistress got a 2-page stiffly worded letter recently about short notice of school trips and demanding money all the time. Told her I was a parent, not a cash machine. [hgrin]

comfused?

That's weird - on my way to the trouser shop i was thinking it felt like a hole in myself that I tried to fill by focussing on someone else.

And one day, if I worked really hard at showing the other person how good life can be they'd turn around and say 'Bibi, you're the best thing that's ever happened to me, you're right about everything and I'll now join you on the good side of life, support you, love you etc etc.'

And the rest..........

Since joining MN though I too am able to 'fill my own hole'

The honesty and courage and support which can be found here is very rarely found in RL (in my experience) because so many women are in similar prisons to the ones we were in - I'm referring to the mental prison here which makes you believe that to be in a relationship is worth putting up with so much shit.

Not expressing myself very well, hope you know what I mean.

Dear Bibi
Yup I know exactly what you mean. I'm still in that hole, but it's great to have it defined.
And then you get told that the stuff you know is good is actually not worth pursuing because their problems stop them following you to the good side.
I once found a list of stuff that helps with relationship with small children along lines of finding time for yourselves and the family to be fun not just the drudge of nappies, feeding. sleeping. Not big things either.
Guess what? He refused to do any of them, even when it was stuff that he used to enjoy. His world is so small, so unopen to new experiences. He used to get angry at me when DS wanted to hold my hand as he pushed the buggy along. And when he was cross he'd always walk faster or slower than me deliberately or cross to the other side of the road. I think he just can't cope with good/normal. It scares him.

notsorted: OMG, that was what X used to do the walking a million miles an hour, while I struggle behind with DS/pushchair bags etc, or else he dawdled, never at OUR pace.

Everything you tell us about your homelife leaves me speechless with anger notsorted!!!!

You and little one don't deserve ANY of it

What amazes me as well is that people like you are there displaying strength that most people don't know exists every day and yet the person you live with tries to convince you you're weak and incapable and NEED their fuckwittery to survive.

Utterly incredible!!

Dear all,
just wanted to tell you am feeling so much better than earlier and am about to have a www.mumsnet.com/te/wine.gif.
I've just written a draft letter for solicitor detailing the whole horribleness of our final weekend, with a bit of backstory in there too.
Soo cathartic and all down in black and white.
I'm not motivated enough to keep a journal yet, but did feel that putting it all down was a real help, and the fact that it will serve some purpose.
Hope you are all in a good place this evening
x

evening girls xx

sat here alone as ds is on sleepover and i feel very nervous
are any of you about?

Hi, What are you feeling nervous about?

x :) x

hello

hi iamos gonna sound silly but ive only left him 3 times in 5 years, i feel nervous

Hi, I've only been on mumsnet for a little while and I've not seen you before so I'm afraid I'm not sure why you're nervous hydragirl is x likely to come round?