Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

[bigbuttons]

try again

MO, just read your post from Thu 07-Jul-11 13:17:15. Thank you.

snaildoodle do not resign from your day job! It's not your job to supervise your H; it's his to stick to any agreements the two of you have made. And to be a decent father to your DC whether or not you are on a work trip.

You'll probably need your job to have your own life and fulfilling adult occupation and, if it comes to that, financial independence if you ever split from your H.

Been musing this morning about empathy and beauty: how I have loads of empathy to spare and see beauty everywhere, whereas it seems that stbxh does not (broadly speaking). And he yearns for that quality in me but wants to own and/or destroy it, rather than emulate it. Anyone else get that?

Stbxh visibly fell for me when we went to see an art exhibit together. I could just see how amazed he was that I could derive joy and meaning from paintings. He was clearly full of wonder at me, not the art. To give one example.

Now in the divorce, he is demanding the paintings I have bought, or financial compensation for them. I know he doesn't care for the paintings themselves. He only cares about what he feels he is owed: art as possession, rather than as a conduit to inner emotional response.

I think that's how he feels about me, too.

ItsMe, your first paragraph is 100% what I felt about X#2. He wanted it but he killed it.

Dear Itsme (sorry forgotten how everyone else shortens it. But IME breakups do end up concentrating on objects that come to symbolise the relationship. Keep cool and calm about paintings. Talk about everything else calmly and then he will get the impression that they are not an issue for you. Do you have proof that you bought them? Ask him to name the artists perhaps at some point in negotiations -- if he can't remember then it shows they are simply objects. Put them at the end of the list of stuff to be sorted and bide your time
x

Oh, I'm not that worried about the paintings themselves: I know they'll bring him no joy (heh - nothing will), whereas I can find joy and beauty in plenty of other things, no matter how many of my current possessions I lose in the divorce. Same as I know I will eventually be happy on my own or in a new relationship, whereas he never will be.

and call me Puppy!

itsme,

I kind of get what you mean. I think that H valued many of the strengths that I have, empathy, kindness, patience, optimism, because he didn't have them himself. I think he allows himself to not have those strengths - because he feels I have enough for two. So yes, he owns those qualities.

The thing is, that recently I have lost those strengths in my dealings with him. And he notices. And he feels let down (ha!) He asked me last night "what are you worried about?" But not in an empathetic way, he couldn't care less how I feel, he just wants the happy woman I used to be....when I was pretending.
...when I was always managing his moods,
when I used to ignore his criticisms and pretend they didn't hurt me,
when my role was to distract him,
amuse him,
cheer him,
alleviate the stress that "made" him irritable or snappy,

One explosive outburst 4 years ago, involved him screaming at me and whacking the dashboard of the car while I was driving. The reason: We had arrived at a holiday flat and the food that I'd ordered had not yet arrived, but was on its way. He was starving hungry and didn't want to wait. Wanted to go out, so eventually we did. I didn't know how to handle it back then. So I appeased him. He apologised for that, 6 months later, out of the blue. But I know it will happen again.

Why have we got wizard smileys, it's not halloween is it? [hsmile]

ItsMe Abusive/controlling personalities are attracted to authentic, deep emotion - and the ability to express it - because they are only capable of shallow emotions themselves. It's also similar to narcissists, because they imagine you are reflecting them back at themselves.
So when you are full of joyous wonder they just a) love to appropriate it and b) see themselves as the cause of it.

I know that X's new woman (poor thing) is much younger than him and totally in awe of him, just as I was. His personality looks so warm, so generous, with such huge capacity for love and that, coupled with the intellectual aspect makes him irresistable.

Just wait till reality sets in and he starts making her support him through all his "depressions", endless moaning about numbness in fingers/toes, bowel complaints , stink of fags ,...that's before all the controlling behaviour sets in and he starts telling her who not to see and what not to wear and CAN YOU TELL I AM SO GLAD TO BE OUT OF IT

My two most common secret nicknames for him were "Captain Skidmarks" and "The Fat Controller"

Fumblebuck glad it was helpful

Wizard Smileys = Harry Potter?

Harry Potter premiere is the cause of the wizard smileys, I would surmise.

Lightbulb moment - X was always saying "cheer up" as if anything other than happiness was a personal affront to him. Of course, if I was happy I was a perfect Teddy (slaps self)

x-post MadameO !

[hgrin]

Yeah, my lightbulb moment about how X had zero empathy, but needed my empathy and needed it to be directed at him, was a real slap in the face: I was having a MMC, and was home on medical leave. He passed by the bed where I lay crying (he had been in his office computering), and said: "When are you going to stop crying? I want you back.", and then proceeded on downstairs to make himself some coffee.

That comment shocked me so much that I questioned him about how he felt about my miscarriage -- I was genuinely concerned, thinking maybe he was repressing feelings about the loss of what would have been his child too. He got so lividly angry at me for daring to question the absence of feelings that he was not capable of (he said this!!) that he brok down his office door with his fists, calling me a "fucking bitch" at the top of his lungs the whole time. Our neighbour knocked to ask me if I wanted him to call the police.

I was miscarrying, did I mention that?

What an utterly insane, nasty psychopath.

OMG - Puppy, you are incredible! Am sat here literally with my mouth hanging open and a big lightbulb symbol above my head!!

That makes so much sense - the last ex was fairly obsessed with me being happy (without any input from him of course) and, left to his own devices he is an empty shell, devoid of strong feelings, wants, desires, preferences.

I would have never seen that by myself - no wonder i felt drained of all resources especially towards the end!!

God I love this place :)

Hope you're all having an at least bearable weekend btw

This is making me so angry. THIS ^ is what I want to tell everyone he knows, to show them what kind of man he is in reality.

The bastard does not deserve any of the people he has fooled into liking and respecting him.

X would show sympathy at first in order to look good, but he'd quickly get bored if it meant you weren't there when he needed you.
Example - his DC was coming in the afternoon. In the morning I'd tell him I wasn't feeling well, he'd tell me to rest. But as the time of her visit neared, he'd ask with increasing brusqueness if I was feeling better and when I was getting up. [hhmm]

X also hates being on his own. Now I REALLY understand why he was desperate for me to live with him (shudder)

Bibi yes, they can't generate any happiness of their own. Or sadness, or any real emotion. But somehow they can sense what they're missing because they spot it in us. But like big stupid oafs, they just want to own us, and shake us and break us when we "malfunction" by not giving them the emotional supply they need.

It's not fair! It's just not fair that we get punished for being sensitive and kind people!

I know that makes me sound like a toddler now. But I'm not asking for a fucking medal for being a generally kind and sensitive soul -- I just want to be able to go about my life without being targeted by vampires who want what I've got and are willing to suck me dry and toss me out to get it.

Empathy!! The amount of times I used to want to scream with frustration because he literally had NO empathy for anyone.

How that's possible used to puzzle the hell out of me.

This explains soooooo much, a big puzzle piece has fallen into place today which will be so helpful for the future as well.

Also what you said about being able to find lots of other things beautiful Puppy, me too so I'm not particularly attached to any of my material possessions as they can be replaced in a heartbeat.

Whereas ex p has an incredibly strong need to hold onto every item that remotely holds even the tiniest bit of memory attached to it.

Wow, no wonder it was seriously impossible to get him to ever clear anything out - especially if it involved someone else getting use out of one of his old things for free.

Sorry, waffling on here but up til today Ive been looking for an explanation as to what happened to me and this is really helping me!

X posted Puppy - agree it is shit to be targeted but was also thinking that in my case ex p probably provided the perfect and irresistible blank canvas for me to go to town on.

I have to take a good hard look at why I'm so attracted to someone who is so bottomless and needs filling up and rescuing so much.

Well, not anymore, especially with what I've learned here today so this discovery is actually making me very happy.

Good, Bibi, I'm glad.

If you or another poster has the insight, can you tell me how it is a good thing to have sensitivity and empathy and all that? I can see how it's a good thing for others and for society at large, but dammit it's time for us to be selfish, and I want to know whether I'll always be taken for a chump, or whether it is also a good thing for me to be so bloody feeling.

advantages of having oodles of feeling, for oneself:

• enjoying love and beauty in a deep and meaningful way
• feeling pain and loss and growing and learning from it

aka being able to live life.

disadvantages:

• attractive to emotional vampires
• no defenses against emotional vampires

So the sensitive soul needs to beware of others' intentions, even though it goes against her nature, and guard herself like a lioness guards her cubs.

OK Bibi, I guess that's 2 of us to have had an epiphany of sorts today!

I'm off to the pool. Oodles of love and lioness-strength to all the denizens of this thread!

Puppy (not ItsMe, sorry) - because it's the simple joy of living. That's what we're supposed to make of our lives, it's what very young children have, it's a life of "moments". Without that, life is pointless.

I know this because I've spent a long time without it, XH having killed mine off (ably assisted by my boss at that time). I'm still working on getting it back. Thing is, I know I have the capacity and it will, in time, come back as good as it was. People like XH can never experience it; they're faulty.

Just remember that joy, love, empathy, etc are gifts of life. They were never meant to be sacrifices ...

xpost

Yes what garlicnutter said re. joy, love etc especially in their deeper forms are absolute gifts to be enjoyed.

I do think also that that is our purpose, the meaning of life even.

I genuinely feel nothing but pity for ex p now, I'd rather have a physical handicap then be like him ie without any genuine emotion and joy.

Yes people like us need to guard ourselves against these vampires but the great thing is that our eyes are open now. No longer are we giving giving giving without anything in return, all the while justifying to ourselves and the world why it's ok and thinking we can't escape.

And were able to create an amazing future for ourselves, maybe even share that future with another person just as amazing as ourselves!!

Right, I'm off to celebrate my new insights with a trouser shopping trip