Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

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try again

My x promised to go to counselling/anger management made a few calls, nothing came of it, also wanted me to go to counselling, I gladly did, was trying to anyway, so hard to get, really. Anyway I went, he didn't. A year later, yet another huge blow up etc etc and I said to him you said you would go and you didn't and now you have to leave, (condensed version, obviously), but I do agree Barbiegrows, that it was one of my light bulb moments, I knew deep down that he wouldn't go to counselling and I also knew that he would have to leave, my council flat, luckily.

I think what happens is that there are several light bulb moments and when you have had enough of them you know that that is that. the really sad thing is that it seems to take so many of them to finally push you over the edge enough to say ENOUGH and even sadder is that when gone, they are still there trying as ever to control you,

sorry, what I meant to say was that you can leave him barbiegrows you can and you will, it will happen in the end, it is just inevitable, try not to get distracted by things in his life, think of the future, another year of him is one less year of you, one more year living, 'someone else's life'

'Your time is limited so don't waste it living someone else's life'

You and all of us are worthy of living our own lives, by our own rules.

x:)x

Hey notsorted

Not qualified for advice, but must say that you should definitely not go for mediation unless you are really a very strong person, if he has spent your relationship pushing you around, (obviously not sure of your details so correct me if I am wrong) then he will just do the same at mediation, people who have been in DV situations should never go to mediation.

I really considered this myself, 'cos I wanted to ensure that his behaviour to DS was at least reasonable, but the one time I met my Barrister and he met x he told me that he strongly advised me against mediation, 'cos having met him he knew that he would just bulldoze me,' I realise that me wanting mediation was just yet again, me wanting to believe that then he would stop being such an a**le and suddenly become a decent human being and father to DS, if he was capable of that we wouldn't be in this sht in the first place!!! and neither, I suspect would you, or any of us.

I may be wrong but I have come to believe that hoping that he will be this decent father for DS is and stop needing to control me, is as wishful as it was all those years hoping that he would suddenly change and become a decent partner to me, ie denying the abuse again.

I'm still here, reading and nodding and holding all of your hands.

I'm just sat listening to you all, next to you all, being with you all.

Keep going strong ladies, keep that inner you fighting. It's in there, you, the real you, it's still within you heart.

Growing stronger each day, with every slap, with every punch, with ever nasty word, with every time he forces himself upon you....... you grow stronger inside.

You will start to move away, distance yourself emotionally, physically, mentally..... move away, slowly, move away, switch off, become cold.

Every time he hurts you, you gain more power. Every blow weakens him. Every snipe makes him smaller. Ever look makes him more and more pathetic.

Learn to hate him. Learn to let go. Learn to give no more of yourself. Learn to grow, learn to let him go.

You can all do this, you will all be free and you will all heal in time. xx

Hi iampos,
my solicitor advised against mediation too. Am feeling guilty and worried that all will end up in court, then someone's got to win and someone to lose when all I want is for DS to have a father he can respect, trust and will parent him not demand his right to see his child. I just want some space. At least a few weeks to get my head round it all. I don't know what is going on. All previous attempts at doing civilised contact blew up. And he wouldn't do childcare loads of times in emergencies. Plus he gets legal aid and don't think I will. He gives no money to support DS, doesn't work so whole thing is stupid. Aargh

I need to tell someone this, someone who will understand, so sorry guys it has to be you lot, you lucked out.

I just got a text from my x, told him to leave in Dec, he left in Feb, got injunction against him in May .....................and the text reads Happy Anniversary, yep it's my anniversary and you know what this is the best anniversary I have had, he may still be trying to control me, may still make me cry, weep with sadness and frustration at his behaviour, but the one thing that I do have, thanks to the injunction, is peace in my house, no x in my house, my daughters can visit as often as they like, I can go to the flower show tomorrow with my mum and not start panicking that my being back a bit late,(like 8'o'clock or some such unreasonable time) will mean that his mood will start its neverending descent. He has gone, so yes Happy Anniversary, if I had a drink I'd raise my glass and please for me, anyone that does have a drink, raise your glass to my happiest yet anniversary.

I am free from so so so much, no I don't have complete control over my life yet, he does make sure that he keeps controlling parts of it, but he is no longer allowed in my house and I wish I could get it tattooed on his forehead

YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED IN MY HOUSE EVER AGAIN!!

and never again will he turn my DDs photos around and I be too scared to turn them back, no weeping.

I'm trying to deal with him and cope with him and make the best of it but I really hate the fucker sometimes.

Sorry ladies, had to get that out - bad evening. As you were :)

BRILLIANT IAMPOS! (Yes I am yelling)
So pleased for you

omg you never have to apologise for venting - that's what we are here for.

MO - did I imagine a thread of yours? where'd it go?

Ahem.

I've been asked to inform you all that a certain poster who has been banned wants you know, that she is thinking about you all so very much.

I can't post her name but Hissy you know who, you asked her to come over here I think.

Anyway, PM me and I will tell you her name, but I'm not wanting to cause trouble with MNHQ so don't want to post it publicly IYSWIM?

Thanks MO

A bit shaky at the moment, partly 'cos of his idiocy regarding DS and arrangements and partly with frustration at own self for STAYING FOR SO LONG now yelling at myself. and yes to my counsellor I am fully aware that I must stopo being only able to be angry with myself, but it is sooooo hard.

omgwhathaveidone hugs and kisses to you

Lovely ladies.

I'm signing off for the night now. Just wanted to say that with each post I read, I remember how bad things USED TO BE. Not anymore.

Please be careful and take good care of yourselves.

Night xxxx

Hissy, you didnt imagine it. I had it deleted.
But I still have the thread open so I could save your words of wisdom

...and post em here!

Don't do a thing.

Not a thing.

Don't text, don't pop round, don't phone. Nothing.

Don't take his calls, don't allow him on your radar at all.

Today, he simply ceased to exist >Poof!<

Just like that.

LET IT GO!

IF that lying abusive skunk ever manages to get through to you for whatever reason, say to him, You and are are finished, I don't do liars, cheats, bullies, tosspots.... Don't feel entitled to ever contact me again. Next time I won't be so polite.

Think SWAN like dignity, get yourself into a cool, calm, collected place, way up high on your moral highground and SPIT on him from that great height.

Practice withering, I just smelt shit looks, just for him.

You know it's over, you don't owe him an apology, an explanation, anything.

I just texted him and said i knew he was seeing someone else and that I was really disappointed in him, and that our relationship was over.
He denied it.
I can smell the panic from here.
I know, Hissy I know, but he needed to be told. And I kind of needed to get it out there too, before I convinced myself I was imagining things or that it wasn't that bad somehow, or any of the other effing shit we do to ourselves to keep the illusion alive.

WOW,

I'm not sure if that was you MO or Hissy

but it is brilliant, more to paste into my words of wisdom to be read, unfortunately my DS is a good reader for a 5ish yr old because otherwise I think I would wallpaper the walls with these wisdoms.

Thankyou, thankyou, thankyou for being here, for being wise and just being you, all of you.
x

It was Hissy

great things are happening, well done all of you. I shall re join shortly. Thinking of you all and cheering your victories xxx

Sorry MO, only just read your last post, not sure what is going on for you, but hope that you are okay, I really hope that you are safe and maybe having another one of those lightbulb moments, 'cos one day, one day the illusion will be completely gone and then the reality is that there is no room left to forgive him for all of those injustices.

I really hope you get there soon because you have a real big heart MO and deserve so very much.

x

iampos thank you, what a lovely thing to say
I am safe, I have told him it is over. He gave me the perfect "out" by seeing someone else and I took it.

MO
Good, sorry but I find I get a bit confused with who is who sometimes and then have to try and read back through to check so that I don't say the wrong thing, but I am glad that you are out and assume that you just felt the need to put it all out in the open, to force yourself to accept the truth, I do have rather large feet, and may well be putting them in my mouth.

but am relieved that you are safe

Not at all iampos, its so nice to be surrounded by all you supportive, empathetic lovely people after years of X.
And you are right re accepting the truth.

Night all, off to bed now.
And I'm leaving my phone downstairs.

night night sleep tight
:)
x

ha ha ha!

I just called X.

don't shoot me!

He has a buyer for flat, I need him to give me my money so I can arrange that ticket for him to the very furthest side of FUCK.

yadda, yadda, I'll give you your money, I have a buyer for flat... ok, all good. Let's buy an investment house together, 70/30 split... Erm, NO, I'll pass thanks

So I get bored... I hang up the line goes down

THEN...

the twat sends me a text, I'll send you money for your birthday, HappyBirthday!

My birthday was 2wks ago.

His psychotic colombian ex GF who wouldn't take no for an answer has her birthday in about a week...so he has confused my birthday with hers. again. I've been with him 10 years. He has not seen her since 2001 She however has not just let it drop, even this year she was still emailing him, sending him msn messages, callling him.

So I bit didn't I?

Rang him up and told him how ffing insulting that was, and tbh, I've had it. How ffing dare he? blah blah, blah....

He said where do I stand? I said, stand wherever the F you like, kitchen, lounge, toilet, I don't care!

He asked if he should get on with his life, i said, yes, absolutely. Nothing more to see here, keep ffiing moving you freak. No, I will not be having another child with you you pyscho do I look like I'm that stupid to do it AGAIN?

I've given him his supply haven't i? dammit!

Won't happen again....

At least he now knows he has not got a bed here, I will not have him here, and I have told him that he is to arrange somewhere to stay. So some small positive. At least there is clarity on some issues.