Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

[bigbuttons]

try again

Tres what is keeping you there? Fear or money worries or something else? I saw in one of your previous posts that you felt that your situation wasn't bad enough to trouble the likes of WA? You couldn't be more wrong hun. I got my local WA number off the main website because I also couldn't get through on the national line and felt like a time waster because I wasn't being beaten. They have be SO helpful. They arranged for me to see a support worker who confirmed that what I was going through WAS bad which was a relief in itself. They put markers on my home with the police in case things kick off with my H so I can be prioritised in the event it does. They have arranged a support group for me and I have ongoing access to their services for as long as I need. All this and I am "only" being verbally abused (mainly). H knows about none of this obviously.

What I'm saying is that you CAN get out of this. People WILL help you. And what you are going through IS valid and terribly, terribly wrong. You are not the first and you sadly won't be the last. You are worth so, so much more than this.

Thank you WHODIDIMARRY (Great name btw)

I suppose there are a number of reasons I am still here. Firstly, it has taken sooo long for me to realise that it is abuse that I am putting up with. I just don't feel like I have the energy for the drama at the minute. To be honest, I'm not sure I even have the energy to go through this with someone on the hone.Sort of like, I want to work through it and recover before I go if that makes any sense what-so-ever. Feeling pretty vulnerable at the minute. Going back to work soon so I will be able to start getting some money together. I'm also frightened about bringing the baby up on my own. I will get out-it's inevitable- but just gong the long route at the minute. It's tiny steps.

MadameO: Why is everything doomed when the abuser is awake to the abuse out of interest? I ask because I have started pointing out when something happens that is abuse?

The best way to eat an elephant is one bite at a time :) Something I am learning this week and have to keep reminding myself!

Anapit, yep the "recognising a loser" part is not much use to us lot now - maybe if we'd seen that when we were dating these men... we wouldn't be on this thread now!

It's the second part of the article that's useful..."the detachment".

Got to run...take care, be strong.

Hey everyone, I hope you are all feeling good and strong today, and I have been thinking of you all!

well the last couple of days have been interesting to say the least...

Tuesday teatime he managed to get into my phone and saw a text that I had sent to my friend saying that I was "allowed" to go to Zumba and that I was playing ball so as to not rock the boat, and once finances were sorted, I was going to move on..

He comes into the sitting room, with a very weird expression on his face asking if there was anything wrong with the relationship.

I knew immediately he had been looking at my phone, but kept my cool and said, no, as far as I know, everything is fine, and was HE alright, he looked a bit odd?

What I wanted was for him to ADMIT to me that he had been snooping.. .just be honest with me, but no, he couldn't do it...

Anyway, that evening was very fraught, I could tell that he was absoutely dying to ask me what the text meant but couldn't... I just stayed detached and acted normal but deep inside I was a quivering wreck!

The next morning he finally admitted he had looked and wanted to know why I had set a password, what was I hiding, etc, etc, etc.

I managed to brush it off, saying the text was a joke (all women joke about their other halfs, right?) but I swear to god I was crapping myself!

After telling me that I was NOT permitted to write anything about him to my friends again, and I had to stop spending so much time with her (an evening at my house once a fortnight when he works a nightshift, so LOADS of time!) I apologised but stuck to my guns and said it didn't mean anything.

eventually he accepted what I was saying and went to work. We met later in town to see the financial advisor (fingers crossed this is sorted, yay!) and he had to work last night, so I waited until just before i went to bed and sent him a text saying hope he had a good shift and that I was going to bed.

Anyway, he came home early and I basically told him that his constant insecurity and self esteem issues were sucking the life out of me, to the extent that I was making myself ill. His constant demands on my time, (both physical and emotional), implicit lack of trust, excessive dependency on both me and the kids was not healthy and I just couldn't go on like it.

I know he has a very low self esteem, he has no friends, NEVER socialises and never wants to join in any activities I arrange with the kids and our friends and then complains that he feels left out!

I told him I was going to the doctors on monday to talk through what I am going through, how I am feeling, etc and I asked him if I could discuss his issues while I was there, with a view to getting him some counselling.. and he agreed. To say I was surprised was an understatement!

Now I am wondering if I have acted abusive to him? have I waited until he was at a low point before wading in with my demands? (told you I was confused!)

I know there is still a long way to go, and we could still end up separating, and he may be using this as a smokescreen to make me lower my defences, but IF he does this couselling, it really could go a long way, he may get the wakeup call he needs.

Mouseface - my friend Tony told me to take no crap from him, and I reckon the frying pan approach probably wouldn't help, but would make me feel a damn sight better!

My sister is probably not moving for a few months so I have this time to see if he does make the effort, and if it doesn't work then I still have that option, although I am of the feeling that if he cannot be bothered to do basic things to maintain the health of the relationship then he should be the one to go. Why should I uproot myself and the kids to a different town and away from friends??

Sorry, waffle again, you girls are amazing to offload to. I have been on a rollercoaster these past couple of days, keep changing my mind about the best thing to do lol but as long as I stay strong and take no crap I will be fine xxx thanks again, and if you want me to post regular updates (if you feel it will help others) then I will

xx

tmoo - no you are not being abusive. You are protecting yourself against abusive behaviour. Also, the very fact that you care about whether you are being abusive means you are not, since abusers see their behaviour as normal and rational

Trestired The doomed relationship statement refers to the fact that once you are aware of the abuse it becomes harder and harder to function as you did before. Put simply (because of course it isn't simple when you are mired in it) you begin to change and they dont.

You start to question their behaviours. Instead of acknowledging that they have hurt or offended you, they ask what's wrong with you, or turn it back on/blame you.

That complete inability to own and take responsibility for their behaviour starts to grate. You might start to make excuses for them, which works for a time.

Then you start reading up on emotional and verbal abuse and see traits in your P that tick the boxes. You start looking for way in which they are NOT abusive, and ignore the unpleasant bits.

So begins the cognitive dissonance mentioned upthread.

The recieved wisdom is that these men do not change, even when confronted with evidence of their abuse. you might get "Well I can change but you have to as well" which misses the point entirely!

thanks Madameovary

I cannot believe how much stronger I have become within a matter of days, simply by talking to people about it! You have all been absolutely amazing, and to say that I am totally bowled over by support from my friends is an understatement. Looking back now, the reason why I got myself so low in the first place is because I was allowing it.

I know I have still got a long way to go, and could come crashing back down to how I was feeling before in a matter of hours, but I am going to keep this feeling in the forefront of my mind. As long as I stay strong and upbeat I will be ok. Whether or not he chooses to put up with it is another matter entirely. But do you know what? I don't care!

*tmoo" just so you know it is highly unlikely that anything would happen re counselling with just you discussing him with your GP, he would need to see the GP himself and get a referral.
Remember it is very easy for abusers to say things they dont mean. Saying and doing are two very different things. Not to be too pessimistic - I hope for your sake he does go - but try not to get your hopes up.

wizbit: he stood BEHIND the car and told you he'd block you from leaving!

GENIUS! If brains were dynamite, he'd not have enough to blow his nose!

thanks chuck, I'm feeling a lot better today!

Hi Tmoo,

When I read the thing about warning signs, I started to think if it was me. I am off to see a counsellor tomorrow as very confused. We had on/off relationship and I did always want him/take him/ask him to come back as I hoped we could work things out - if only he'd be honest Ha!

Trouble is you do love the guy in some form (whether it's the true him or not is hard to say) and the walking on eggshells bit means you are always searching for a way to smooth things over. I kept saying this is the last fatted calf I slaughter for you ... we'll give it a couple of weeks then see. Trouble was he blew up over everything while I'd be happy when he did a simple thing such as hang the washing out and never listened/understood when I'd had bad day at work, was tired or fed up and just needed a little bit of help.
Saw on someone's post this one
"A good father treats the mother of his child with respect and respects the time and effort she puts in to caring for the family." I'm judging all that happened with that in mind.
Or as my solicitor put it "you are the one putting all the effort into making the relationship work and not get violent. He hasn't."
Still not sure if I was stupid/mad to keep wanting the father of my child. But then again he knew how much I wanted to make things work for DS's sake and did nothing to help that process because of his own insecurities.
Think it's a hard one and takes time, perhaps?

tmoo-first of all lovely to meet a fellow zumbarer! (sp?) it's interesting what you said about you allowing it, my bff used to say to me 'he could be a lovely bloke if he tried, trouble is you ALLOW him to get away with it'. I know exactly what people mean and big hugs to trestired, i'm in a similar position at present.

Sorry my last post went to soon. I've allowed him to talk to the woman he took to the altar like I was one of his servants from the 18th century, i've allowed him to disrespect the mother of his children, allowed him to think we could make this work on countless occasions. I could go on but I have the school run in a minute! Hi to everyone else, sorry it's a quick one. Hope you all have a nice evening.

How's this for societal abuse:

In Egypt the WOMAN is told it's HER responsibility to keep the family/marriage together, no matter what, and to achieve that she has to do everything and anything she is told, by the males of the family, eventually her sons will boss her about too. They are in training to abuse THEIR wives.

The daughters do what they are told. by the males, and are bullied by their brothers, and the father if he is bothered to look at them, so they are trained to be abused too!

Sad thing is that many of the women say that if their H doesn't kick off about what they are wearing, accusing them of flirting/sleeping with other men, the women say they think he doesn't care.

Look up the definition of Hopeless....

tmoo

YAY! you did it!

^Anyway, he came home early and I basically told him that his constant insecurity and self esteem issues were sucking the life out of me, to the extent that I was making myself ill. His constant demands on my time, (both physical and emotional), implicit lack of trust, excessive dependency on both me and the kids was not healthy and I just couldn't go on like it.

I know he has a very low self esteem, he has no friends, NEVER socialises and never wants to join in any activities I arrange with the kids and our friends and then complains that he feels left out!

I told him I was going to the doctors on monday to talk through what I am going through, how I am feeling, etc and I asked him if I could discuss his issues while I was there, with a view to getting him some counselling.. and he agreed. To say I was surprised was an understatement!

Now I am wondering if I have acted abusive to him? have I waited until he was at a low point before wading in with my demands? (told you I was confused!)^

But just read how every assertive comment you made, you have immediately doubted yourself afterwards! You do that because, ultimately, you are a good person. You give him the benefit of the doubt because you are normal, you do the decent thing. Morally weaker people would never have thought like that. You're not confused, you are trying to do the right thing. But when you're living with what is probably a narcissist, nothing is ever right. You will never do the right thing by this man.

I wait with baited breath to see whether he actually does go to counselling. Mine had the stupidity to say to me - "and what if I don't go" - I said, "nothing, it's up to you if you want to". I had a babysitter set up. He didn't go. That was the moment I decided I was going to end it.

Of course I haven't yet... but...

Herhissy

I have a theory that the countries in the world that have the most oppressed women, are the countries with the most wars. It tends to be true, and I truly believe that where women are oppressed, society falls apart. Even animals don't have that structure (except a few weird cannibalistic insects), but the females of the species need to be as treasured as the males in order for the species to survive. Only in human societies do we somehow believe that guns can replace the gaping hole left when women are removed from the power structure.

Anyway, back to me, I've finished my assignments now, was just about to tell him to pack his bags and he's being threatened with redundancy, probably starting in September. I want to leave, am constantly being drawn in by these mammoth changes that will happen to his life, and our life if we stayed together. So I'm still thinking in terms of 'us'. It's hard not to. I need to get that picture of my future into my head. I'm drawn into making plans with him. I might get drawn in and then it all goes pearshaped. He's being nicely distant with me. We're ticking over (ish). But we're not really, god I'm confused. I know that when I tell him he'll come up with a plan. I'm really stalling because I haven't got a plan. Am I kidding myself that this is abuse? I keep reading about changes to the status of co-habiting couples. Should I wait? Get what's due (?) What's another year after 25 years together.

I know I don't want to be with him, I don't even like him any more. Love is just a theory in our relationship. He's stopped groping me at night (the single duvet has helped).

madame O I just read the cognitive dissonance thing. I've always done that, I think it's a pattern I inherited from my mother. I am trying to avoid passing it on to my daughter. I had never thought that abusers do it as well though, that's interesting, and it explains why, when they finally see the truth the relationship falls apart, because it was never really a real relationship in the first place.

barbie, has he really been threatened with redundancy? have you seen any official communications to back this up?

If he goes off and rents somewhere now, and loses his job, he can claim housing benefit... so great news actually..... tell him to get packing!

barbie, i think the male dominated oppressive societies relationship to wars is more along the lines of

Power corrupts; Absolute Power corrupts Absolutely.

In societies like these, there are millions of entitled men, all hormones raging, and all versions of abusers, taught how to abuse, expected to, and looked down upon if they treat their wives with anything less than contempt.

I also wonder if the gender imbalance in countries like Egypt, where women greatly outnumber men is in part to blame too. Increased competition, no social welfare, if you don't earn, you don't eat, and if you are still unmarried at 30 you are pretty much written off, cos the men only choose the very young ones.

I spent 3 years in that shit!

Hiya, good day turned to bad. Got letter saying no to DV programme and no to joint work with social workers, so total denial of the problem. Will go to court etc and also twisted/lied about what was happening in our relationship prior to meltdown. Then suggested he would pull up old emails where I "apologised" for calling police after incidents earlier on in relationship. I really don't want to end up in court being adversarial but am adamant that DS not safe if he doesn't do some work and contact will end up with same old crap that made it fall apart before. Feeling angry, upset, confused by fact that this has been ratcheted up by him instead of being dealt with. Want to stay strong and insist on rational position. Certain that I can't do mediation yet as no idea who I'd be mediating with Dr Jekyll or Mr Hyde. Feel I'm still be pushed around by timescale that he is forcing. I want this to happen slowly, slowly so that result is DS and family don't get dragged into all this mess again.
Any advice?