Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

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horrendous weekend after me selfishly going out culminating in him telling me I'm jealous of his parents and at least his are not dead, said in mocking tone. I went to bed early last night and he decided I couldn't have the fan on in the bedroom as he pays the electricity bill, he smashed the fan to bits. He got yet another takeaway, he's on benefits and in no position to afford 3 in one week. Went to work early this morning, still very upset, found dead cat in road on the way home so that set me off crying, went back to sleep after I got in from work at 7am then woke up sobbing after very weird dreams. He called a truce saying he didn't think I could take much more today. Thanks. Sorry don't know who said it today but the comment about them being still in abusive mindset even when being 'nice', so true. All about control, he controls the nasty then he controls the nice. Told me last night I need to start playing the game, if I'm nice to him he'll be nice to me, I said let's try it the other way round but apparantly it doesn't work like that. I said how about you start playing the game get out of bed and contribute something, he said I've got more to worry about than 'getting help with the cleaning'. Control.

Sounds horrible reasonstobecheerful. Evil.

He even acknowledges that he can turn on the nice and turn off the nasty?? That it's a game he's playing to make you 'nice' to him?? Wow.

All the things he has said to you are vile. Mocking your parents' death? How low. How indecent. And breaking the fan just to physically intimidate you. I am outraged for you. Simply outraged.

reasons - "He called a truce saying he didn't think I could take much more today. Thanks."

Oh. My. Jeff.

Sweetheart, I don't know your full story and I need to log off but your post has made my blood run cold.

I hope to read more from you, I hope that you will continue to post over and over again about what's going on.

I'm scared for you, worried about you.

I hope that you have a good support network around you, or are near me so that I can just come and get you.

Be careful, be very careful xx

Night all, I need to go and sort Nemo, be back tomorrow xx

reasons I agree with mouse, that's very chilling. He's a really nasty piece of work.

Reasons, i am so sorry about your situation. I can see that you are now recognizing what he?s doing?.that you are not kowtowing to everything he says - but just be careful. At this stage it might be best to keep your enlightenment to yourself?. Take good care now that you recognize what?s going on. Play good dog while you plan your escape!

All these FUING BAARDS sitting in their houses, with their women or not, feeling self righteous, scheming and plotting, with their 'I'll show the fng c*ts' and their 'I'll teach that bich' games, they aren't even human!

My counsellor would be really pleased with me now 'cos I am angry, she has been wanting me to be angry for a long time and at this moment in time I am so f**d off I can hardly see straight, not one person here or anywhere in this world deserves one tiny little piece of this shit that is handed out to them day after day after day. I can not believe how mad I am right now.
I couldn't even swear about my x in counselling today, but I am telling you if he turned up here tonight

wow, iampos, let it all out.

we need to get angry we really do.

As I'm sure most of you know, my flippancy was to cover up the tremendous hurt of being constantly made aware that I was not desirable, did not measure up, was resistable, easily cast aside, that he had better options open to him etc etc ie worthless, and if he didn't want me, who else would.

On a positive note - it didn't work - get angry people x

my ex tries to blame that our culture just dont mix, woman should do everything and men should do fuck all thats how women live in arab countries

Yes, but as I am sure you know even if you were doing everything you would be doing it the wrong way, in the wrong order, at the wrong time and would always have PMS no matter what time of the month, unless of course you had PND or even both.

I apologise for my outburst, I even waited for an hour before posting but .... people who know me would be as shocked as I am at how angry I was, now, had a good cry and still angry but just not apoplectic

xxxxx to all

iampos, there's nothing to apologise for. I mean it, we all need to get in touch with our anger. You inspired me with your outburst.

Thanx

OK, been thinking. Can I go off on a tangent here? Sorry, but I need to get this down,. Do any of you have a partner who doesn?t just reserve his abuse for you..?

The classic abuser hides his abusive character and is often the life and soul of the party, right? Mine is not like that.

My H, is almost totally misanthropic. (Not totally, because he can operate in a normal world, he can laugh, joke, go to a party)

I know, it?s not a word you hear much and it took me a few years to realise that it bloody summed him up in a word. So, he?s not just a bad tempered, controlling, explosive, moody, self-absorbed, bastard, - he doesn?t just reserve his venom for me and the dc?s but for everyone and anyone.

Does this mean he?s not an Emotional Abuser? Please don?t tell me that?.please don?t tell me he?s something else, because I don?t know where else to get this support. And he ticks all the boxes of EA, although he doesn?t physically threaten me, but I have a gut feeling that he has a capacity for great cruelty?I just don?t know what kind?emotional, physical?.

He has few friends, makes new friends but falls out with them in a big way?.people he?s known for years?.suddenly never speaks to them again. Screaming , literally screaming, at the neighbours who came round with some questions about whether our hedge was in the right place. Wasn?t a big deal, his reaction was just totally out of all proportion and in front of the dc?s too. Falls out with his clients too and yet still continues to think he?s justified, while he?s losing client after client.

What a fuckwit. And he still thinks I?m on his side. He still thinks I should have sympathy with the ?awful situation he?s in?. Everything is someone else?s fault, not his.

My respect for him is zero now. Zero. In a sick kind of way I think he really thinks I?m his only true friend?.doesn?t he realize that it?s only because I?m (at the moment) trapped in a marriage with him?
Anyone else recognize this?

< quick hijack >

SN have you looked up NPD "Narcissistic Personality Disorder" ?

your H sounds just like my father, I grew up with a man like this

yep I have, farside, and certainly there are areas where he fits.... But he fits better in the profiles described by Patricia Evans and Lundy Bancroft....those wonderful people!

As with most posts, am recognising some parts and not others, most would say that my x was ok, don't know what he was like at work, but know that he didn't speak much to others 'cos he thinks that all others are idiots, my family have always found him difficult to get on with, he would be miserable and just sit in the corner or follow our DS around, I constantly felt I had to make excuses for him, hated just about everyone, people on tv, everyone, but would never lose it outside, cultural thing, big nono in his country, hated most of his family most of the time, he did, not me I found most of them really nice, in fact I like most people!

Anyway, the thing that struck me most about your post was when you said that he thinks that you're his only true friend, he used to tell me that but now tells DS that he only loves him no-one else, only him and that DS doesn't need any friends 'cos daddy will be his friend, this used to, and still does make me really uncomfortable. Also has twin that he barely speaks to and has terrible rages about the injustices he has done to him, once got him to admit that the way he behaved to me was the same way he and his twin used to fight.

sorry lost track there my DS is asleep in same room as I am and just said half asleep 'mummy I love you' and then fell back asleep, he is most definately the reason I was right to leave.

not sure what this means in regard to yours seriouslynow, but hope it helps a bit
xxxx

I guess abusers don't always fit exactly in pigeonholes

they can have aspects of different "types" of course they can

the fact remains he is an abuser, labelling it precisely does not help you in any way

Reasons - your P sounds like an exceptionally nasty piece of work. like everyone else here his actions to you are ringing massive alarm bells. Please play meek with him to enable you to keep evaluating the situation and don't draw attention to yourself.
you sound like a pretty strong person in the face of all this but please don't think that standing up to him will demonstrate that strength to your benefit. it will simply encourage him to escalate his behaviour until he beats you, literally or figuratively.

I do understand that this contradicts what I said earlier about my own and other P's, but when an abuser has the sadistic streak that yours appears to, you have to be very very careful. Breaking items deliberately is just a step away from assaulting you physically, just another step in normalising the aggression and wearing you down.

Please keep posting on here if you can.

Seriouslynow - I was going to suggest NPD also re your P but I see you are way ahead of me! Whether he is or not he is definitely an EA. If he thinks you are on his side then good, let him rant about others and stay safe.

Iampos, good for you! You don't have to apologise for letting it out on here

ah iampos your sweet little ds.

Some of what you say rings true to me too. He doesn't like his brother, barely speaks to him except when necessary, this is totally beyond me. His brother is just a man, not perfect, just a human being.

Some of my family he likes, others not. Why? who knows. My family is completely normal.

I remember one night on holiday with some friends, he lost his temper at the dinner table with the husband, his own friend, someone he'd travelled through America with....just out of the blue lost his cool because the friend was being very casual about how we would order and how we would just settle up afterwards. We got through a very strained dinner and when we went to bed he ranted to me about this friends "failings". To the point where the people in the next room thumped on the wall. Christ why didn't I get up and pack my bags then?

(I don't think he's spoken to this friend since and I'm pretty sure the friend isn't that bothered)

I've read those books (Evans and Bancroft) and there were lightbulbs going on all the time. Those feelings they describe where you said something normal and the next thing you know you're being attacked or he's gone into a mood, and you don't know why, and you feel like someone's punched you, and you wonder if you hadn't said what you said, maybe you said it wrong, maybe he just didn't understand what you meant.....etc....etc.

Like you say, in most posts on here you recognise some parts, and other not so much. But the thing is, now we know, we just know, from the way we FEEL, that it truly isn't us, it's them.

Am rambling now, need to go to bed.

Take care all, be strong.

exactly farside,

and thanks MO.

Sleep well all of you.

sleep well, SN

Wishing you all a peaceful night x

I'll join in with the night nights and send you all hugs too, sleep well all xxx

Sittine here sort of dreading going to bed because I know he will proposition me for sex and if I say I don't want to he will go off on one in a huff. Think he expects it because the shouting at me for being ignorant today for not hearing him ask me to go down stairs to get him something is forgotten. Never minding that at the time he was calling me to get him something because he was too lazy to go down himself, that I was cleaning up a spillage on the carpet that he just hadn't bothered to. Then when I said that I had been busy doing that and hadn't heard him he went wildly defensive as usual an started trying to blame and make excuses for why the spill wasn't cleaned up. He said the DC had done it and he hadn't seen it. So I asked him how the can of coke had got up on the shelf in that case. He obviously saw it and just put it up there as DC can't reach.
He also forgets he kept accusing me of having pms.
Yes ,sex, I take part just to keep things peaceful.