Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

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BreakFree it looks like sex may be a tool of denial for your H: if you're still having sex then it's all ok and there's nothing wrong with the relationship. Or so he would like to think.

Can you just calmly say "No, not tonight" without going into why (the insults and fights during the day)? Abusers hate criticism and blame more than anything, but if you're able to make it seem like you're just too tired maybe you won't be dragged into something you clearly feel uncomfortable with.

seriouslynow my stbxh didn't shout at anyone other than me, but he did have contempt for everyone in the world, or so it seemed, even his own parents and sister, and he would often let it show. He also often stated that we two were soulmates who would be together forever: I was definitely his best friend, and the exclusiveness of this in his mind was emphasised by him refusing to ever go out with groups of friends when I wanted to socialise with other people.

Morning Everyone, hope you had an alright weekend, sorry I can't read back through all the posts as typing off a phone. Big hugs to all the newcomers and regulars if they're needed. Had an up&down weekend here, that moment where he's really nice for 48hrs then i'm quickly brought back to earth with a bump with his behaviour. I'm saving up for my own private rented place now, my parents have said if I can save up half of what I need they'll match it so will hopefully be out by the summer.

XH once commented that his SIL was going out for the evening, that's nice I said "But," he said, "married women don't go out with their friends". Later he denied that he "would ever" have said anything of the sort, but he jolly well did.

He never stopped resenting the fact that I went out to work every day, which he described as "meeting your mates". Where he thought the money would come from for us and 4 DCs to live on if I didn't... well actually I know the answer to that. We would be able to live the high life on benefits. He'd seen it on telly.

What on earth were/are we thinking?

These men are INSANE!

falls out with them in a big way?.people he?s known for years?.suddenly never speaks to them again. Absolutely, he had just a few but has no friends now, a text sent that goes unanswered for ten minutes has him ranting that they're taking the piss, that they have some kind of agenda against him, never mind they could be driving, working, putting their kids to bed or doing any one of a hundred normal things. The neighbours send him right into one with the slightest ordinary, everyday noise like them running up their stairs, kids playing, mowing the lawn, laughing!!
Mind you his parents are the same they see each of their sons separately, the sons never see each other or communicate in any way, the parents have only 2 sets of friends who they constantly gripe about, everything they don't like is 'stupid' tv programmes, commercials etc. When they have stayed here they actually bang on the wall when they hear the neighbours, MY neighbours, we have to sit with the garden doors having been pointedly shut if the (very nice) neighbours are pottering about in their garden making noise. I'm too old to be jealous of anyone's parents but could never envy those.
Someone said their P wants them to clear off when his parents come round, mine wants this now too because I challenged his father after a weekend of constant racist comments, towards my neighbour and anyone daring not to be white on the tv, I have apparantly upset them so much that they do not want an apology even. OK then.
Sorry realise I have banged on but it seemed a little bit relevant when the parents have similar intolerant traits.

reasons looks like he takes after his parents then!
WHEN will people realise how much their behaviour impacts on their kids? If you are both miserable grumpy bastards who hate the world your kids are probably going to grow up that way too!

Not saying that excuses him by the way, but when you think of the far reaching effects I despair

Morning everyone. Just checking in :) Been keeping up to date with the thread - its so comforting to read others' experiences and know I'm not alone.

I have a support worker coming to see me today (my local womens centre arranged this). I am going to get as much advice as possible about what to do with regards to staying or separating. This time last week I was all for counselling but since I discovered that he is abusive something has changed in me and I strongly feel the need to leave. I want to believe him when he tells me he is 100% committed to changing but I know deep down its unlikely to last. My friend made a very good point yesterday; where is the incentive to change if I stay?

seriouslynow my DH isn't abusive to other people but he is usually sometimes moody/grumpy in front of my family. I found out this week that they call him the Prince of Darkness He has completely ignored my best friend before now. He has shouted at me in front of his mum on a couple of occasions but would never do this in front of my parents. He also seems to have complete contempt for everyone, is very cynical and quite negative though not pessimistic. His friends think he is the life & soul of the party.

Morning ladies.

reasons - I'm so pleased to see posts from you, I was really worried for you last night. So many flashbacks to my XP, that used to be his style too. Plus he would fall out with people. Usually 'mutual' friends of ours so that I had to 'choose' who I wanted in my life, them or him.

Of course it was always him. Stupid Mouse.

iampos - you go girl! Let it all out, every last drop! Again and again, we'll never tire of hearing you let go I'm sure.

I really do think that this thread is amazing. A place where we can let it all out.

Breakfree - you poor thing. I hate the fact that he has that hold over you what a pig. It's so awful being trapped in a physical way along with the emotional abuse.

Morning ladies!

I am so glad to have found this thread and you are all truly inspirational! Where the fuck did these twats come from?

I have been constantly talking (last night and today), to my friends and family, and have now built up a good support network, but am having to carefully cover my tracks, because if I get found out, he will not be happy.. i have also had a chat with my boss, didn't go in to the EA though (for some reason I still feel extremely ashamed for putting up with it for so long!)

What I am struggling with however is the idea of finishing the relationship.. still not 100% convinced he is bad as I am making out.. is this normal? I am planning to see the doctor next week to sort myself out with some AD's.. will this make me see things more clearly, or will it cloud / impair my judgement? I am feeling so confused at the moment

I told my partner last night that I was booked in to see the doctors and hoping to get some AD's - he said it was probably a good idea because I had a "lot on my plate" at the moment. and that was it.. no offer to talk about it, release the burden, etc (We are in a bit of financial difficulty but it has been left up to me to sort it all out.. despite the fact that the major contributory factor was him being out of work for 18 months and I had to financially support the family during this time. Not that I blame him for this mess, but some help in picking up the peices would have been nice....) but in a way this is a blessing because I can focus on this as a reason for becoming detached.. does this make sense?

I am off on a business trip to Europe in a couple of weeks and think the time away alone is going to do me some good, do some serious thinking, and get things into perspective...

I really hope you all have better days today, thinking of you all and sending inner strength and big hugs xx

Reasons mine does the same-he's had what I call his 'episodes' in front of his & my family before, and woe betide anyone should disagree with him. Can't remember who mentioned it but we also get the 'culture blame' here too, i.e I never respect his & he always makes sure he tells one friend his warped side of the story just so they look down on me a little more. tmoo welcome good luck with the docs appointment. Re being 100% convinced, there's some links at the start of the thread that I think might help.

OK, so we all know that in some way we are/were mad to have put up with it for so long.

We all know that the person we fell in love with was a mirage, never existed, was an alter-ego created to draw us in. slowly, slowly the little tests started, the little comments, digs, disapproving noises, reticence, and gradually it ramped up. The Mr Nice Guy spent less and less time with us.

I realised this morning that with X, the Mr Nice Guy, for a while, only existed in bed, so even early on, i never really wanted to get up out of bed, and would try to encourage him back there so I could bask in some more niceness.

fecking eejit

After a while, of course Mr Nice Guy left the bed, and only Mr Nasty manipulative little freak remained

I longed for Mr Nice Guy, would continually ignore the bad, doing that ignoring bad behaviour, brushing it aside, because that wasn't the real X.

that's how they do it isn't it? while you are ignoring the bad behaviour, waiting for the Mr Nice Guy to come back, they clamp down and build the isolation chamber.

So, I alluded to this elsewhere, but we have to find ourselves again, we have to put ourselves back in the picture. We have to take back our lives.

We can't come riding over the horizon on a slathering war horse, yelling our loudest battle cry, that'd get all his defences back up and start a war we are not armed well enough to fight.

We have to fight them in a more stealthy way. In exactly the same way they took our freedom, we have to win it back.

Resistance starts with a simple NOTHING!

A pause, a moment where it's not obvious if you will comply or not. That gets longer and longer and eventually you can see that it was OK, so you say,No, I can't do that right now, you'll have to wait for a second. Or I'm busy, it'll have to wait for a while.

Let's see if we can think up small ways of defiance, those that are so stealthy that they barely raise a ripple when they hit the pond.

Start small, be relentlessly focussed on your freedom, and quietly push the boundary walls of your prison. Eventually those walls WILL cave in, nothing and no-one can defeat freedom.

Freedom will, like water, always find it's own level.

Hissy - fantastic post, brilliantly put. xx

STORY OF MY LIFE! Thanks for sharing.

He didn't even bother last night. Sigh of relief.

Fab post Hissy!

Hissy That was inspired. Gawd I love this thread

So, the support worker just left. She is of the opinion that we should be apart while DH seeks help. She says its good that he appears to have made the first step in acknowledging that he has a problem (though I'm not sure he sees it as abuse ) but I know the odds of him sticking to any therapy/counselling are long and that the likelihood is that my marriage will be over :(

I am focusing on what is best for the DC and my sanity & self esteem. I have a house that I rent out and intend to move back there. I have already been looking into what I need to do to leave, that side of things I'm mostly ok with. My problem is how do I handle telling him all this? I know there is never a good time but this weekend is DD2's first birthday followed by our 5th wedding anniversary. I don't want it to be linked to one of these dates iyswim. What should I do, he's going to be devastated?

Hey tmoo you asked about anti-depressants and whether they will cloud your judgement. In fact, the ADs should help you make better decisions for yourself by lifting your cloud of depression, since depression makes you take less good care of yourself.

In the event that they don't help you feel brighter, you can ask to switch meds until you find the right one or the right dosage for you.

You will probably feel weird for the first week, though, as your body adjusts to the new chemicals (I have been prescribed Citalopram and had headaches and a little nausea the first week; quite common adjustment symptoms). Stick through it; it's worth it.

I'm on citalopram as well. Its definitely helped in making me feel stronger against him when he's on one of his rants.At one point a few months ago I really felt like I was going crazy myself. Now I realise I'm not and I think the ADs have helped me to realise that. I was depressed because it had all worn me down. Still stuck in this at the moment but coping and ranting and venting and finding support in you lovely ladies

WDIM I often feel like that as well. Something always in the way of telling him I can't go on like this. Or I worry a row will kick off. Or I worry he will take it out and the kids will be upset again. I shy away from confrontation sometimes because of the DCs when all I want to do is scream my head off at him. Its awful to say but had I not had the DCs to worry about I would have been out of here long ago but its a vicious circle of being worried about how they are feeling and worrying and at the same time knowing this is not a happy enviornment for them the majority of the time.

Find myself staring out the window at other people living their lives and wishing I was out there living one I was blissfully happy in at least for most of the time! I was invited to a barbeque tonight and I don't know the couple that well so I know he would never go first of all and secondly if I even dreamt of going on my own I'd never hear the end of my selfishness. So I sit here longing for that other adult connection, wanting to make new friends without him there breathing down my neck waiting for me to flirt (talk!) to a man or annoy him in some other way. Or for him to get drunk and start on someone who looks at him cross ways. I long to get out and enjoy myself for a change without the ball and chain.

Skimming, cos I'm flustered and just met a deadline, better pay DS some attention too

Breakfree, and all those that stare wistfully at others, wishing you could be out there, blissfully happy, at least for most of the time.

That is a powerful image, a powerful motivator. You CAN get there, you WILL get there, all you have to do is focus on it and doggedly keep steering yourself towards it, making the teeny weeny decisions that will get you there.

Can you not just GO to the BBQ, do a STBX, create a situation, flounce and go out! !

Write down what stands in your way to getting free, write a list, and tackle each line as and when you can. Even the highest wall can be broken down, one brick at a time.

Citalopram here too, 60mg. I've has all sorts of meds over the years.

This works for me because it focuses on the anxiety.

I too find that writing things down helps me to handle them better.

Wizbit - I know, deep down he will NEVER change, but I am the kind of person that tries to see the best in people. THAT needs to change, I need to grow up and realise there are some nasty people out there and I need to run away fast!

Mouseface, yes it looks like I will be leaving him. The thought of telling him has given me a massive knot of anxiety in my belly, but thankfully my sister has offered me an escape route, she is planning on renting her house out in the next few months, and has asked if I would like it. Yes I know I am bloody lucky and I realise that. It has given me a glimmer of hope, and I am getting excited about silly things like the kids (9 and 7) being able to have a tv in their room (we are currently not allowed tv's anywhere but the living room and HE drives the remote control and chooses what we watch) and a proper cd player in the house so we can play our favourite music whenever we like.. eating garlic bread!!!! I have been worrying about the kids, but I think they will feel better for this as well, once things have settled down...

itsme, definitely thinking of AD's just to get me through the next few months. He is the cause of my anxiety issues / low self esteem. Once I am rid of that I should (hopefully) be fine.

Feeling upbeat at the moment but I am still at work, seem to have a problem leaving my desk for some reason .. but I am "allowed" to go to my zumba class tonight (he must be after something to be so nice) so I can hopefully burn off some of this anxiety.

breakfree, I totally understand where you are coming from re watching other couples, I have recently become very good friends with a couple around the corner and was amazed that the husband lets her go out whenever she wants, away for weekends, etc, doesn't mind her having male friends, getting tipsy, etc.. it has helped me open my eyes!

Anyway I am off to see the financial advisor tomorrow, get this bloody debt sorted out once and for all.. this will also help reduce the strain at home quite a lot.

I will check in on you all either later tonight or tomorrow. Please take care of yourselves xxx

Hi, I need some words of wisdom and advice ... I did separate post but think you guys may be able to help.
have posted before re messy relationship. It finally imploded, led to social worker involvement and now in hands of solicitors. He contacted police to claim I'd harassed him, also went to a solicitor and got a warning letter -- unfounded accusation according to police and my solicitor. He gets legal aid so mediation was suggested. I've been working out lots and via solicitor, counsellor, helpline have had it suggested that relationship was abusive.
I don't feel ready for mediation re his contact with DS -- there are issues over his temper with my DD (not his), with me etc and social work involvement, so questions of safety.
Looked at issues of mediation when abuse involved and tend to think I would feel pushed to his agenda and not strong enough to express my side coherently. It is less than three weeks since it all exploded.
Obviously feel bad that DS is not seeing his father, but wanted to canvas opinion on how to proceed. I basically want to deal with a rational person who can talk about parenting honestly, but feel that he is very far from being rational at the moment and I have stuff to deal with before I feel strong enough to face him and think through whole contact issue. Decided today that I wouldn't sit in a room and mediate with any one who lied. Is this realistic, too hard? I feel as though the abuse is continuing as we have to have some sort of relationship because of DS
Any advice?

tmoo - "Mouseface, yes it looks like I will be leaving him. The thought of telling him has given me a massive knot of anxiety in my belly, but thankfully my sister has offered me an escape route, she is planning on renting her house out in the next few months, and has asked if I would like it. Yes I know I am bloody lucky and I realise that. It has given me a glimmer of hope, and I am getting excited about silly things like the kids (9 and 7) being able to have a tv in their room (we are currently not allowed tv's anywhere but the living room and HE drives the remote control and chooses what we watch) and a proper cd player in the house so we can play our favourite music whenever we like.. eating garlic bread!!!! I have been worrying about the kids, but I think they will feel better for this as well, once things have settled down..."

The sooner you are out of this, the better.

'not allowed? more tvs in the house? Ultimate control for sure. I am so pleased to hear that you have somewhere to go to, that must be a huge relief for you. And the fact that you know her IYSWIM? You can feel safe there.

Re ADs, speak to your GP. They're not right for everyone, and they aren't a 'solution' but you know that. Maybe your GP could give you something to take the edge off your anxiety.

Or you could try hitting your partner over the head with a frying pan repeatedly, I'm sure that would bring you some form of relief from your anxiety?

And, fwiw, you are doing bloody brilliantly. You are planning your 'escape' and you WILL be free. And once you are, I'd like you to change your MN name to ThisIsTheNewFree