Support for those in emotionally abusive relationships 2

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try again

*years

Love this thread. Such support on here. Even though I am not out of my situation it helps knowing that others are feeling the same and that some have come out the other side. Seems we have all had pretty crap time today. It only got worse as the day went on here.

This morning after the inital row he ranted at me that I should go away while his relatives are visiting. Then said I should go and go off with one of those men that are chasing me. He has always been seriously jealous of any platonic friendship I have so this is nothing new. However, there is a bloke I fancy so I'd love to just do that and lately I just feel like shouting that back at him but I know it would end in a very scary situation. I don't know what he'd do but I've seen his rage before. He throws things (at me)in the worst rages and has physically pushed,held me down or pulled my hair.Always proving how strong he is and how weak I am. This hasn't happened in nearly a year but I know its always there. It always has been. I'm not the type that would cheat on someone but his treatment of me has me yearning to just get out at this stage and sometimes I think if I cheated and he found out it would be like pulling a plaster off the wound. Its how irrational I get over this

One of my DCS was sitting down today in the living room and the younger of my DCs drove the bicycle over her leg accidentally. She was crying and he came in and made a face and told her she shouldnt have been sitting there in the first place. Her leg was red, and she had marks on the other leg where the bike tire or something had dented into her leg. He actually said she was acting like a baby. I got so angry. What is wrong with him? He never seems to have empathy for anyone unless he is getting something out of it. The poor DC was crying and he didn't even care and chastised me for babying her by hugging her close. Then he went nuts saying I was blaming him for it because I was angry over him not showing any sort of compassion. A row ensued where he called me several names including *nt and b*ch and then came back into the room just to shout at me after I had shut the door to his ranting in the kitchen. Younger DC actually said "Come on mum lets get away from the bad man" only 4yrs old.
We were supposed to be going out on a bike ride. We did go and he followed after making justifications and defending himself.

Later when we returned he made dinner for me and the DCS but didn't want the same as us so while I was clearing up after the DCS he was off on a phonecall. When he came back out he started going mad because I hadn't checked on his dinner in the oven. I asked him had he not put the timer on it and he said he had but I should have checked it for him as he had made mine for me. I wouldn't mind if he had asked me. Called me from the other room while on the phone and asked me to check it. Or simply told me that there was something in there that was quick to cook and I was preoccupied with the DCS but of course it was my fault. Nothing is ever anyone else's fault. Its so bloody frustrating.
Have a really busy week ahead now with DCS.Apts for DC1 (spneeds) 3times this week and also relatives visiting and I think I may go insane.

Hi Pippi, sorry for skipping over you, was too busy venting welcome!

MO more power to you is right. You seem to strong

Iampos, you don't have to be alone. He has made you feel like this from years of abuse. You are worth more than you will ever realise but someone else will realise and find you when you open your heart again just a little bit to let them in. Only when you're ready though. Takes time.

BreakFree ( oh how I wish you would!)

Bollocks to him. Stand your ground. stay calm and turn on your heel if he ever raises his voice to you.

MadameO seems to have turned a corner, and I know that method works, cos when I got stronger I used the very same.

last word - cos I have to sleep...

when are you going to listen to your babe?
By that I mean - "Come on mum lets get away from the bad man"

Use that as your anchor point. That is your focus, your goal.

For you and for MadameO, it doesn't matter that you think you love these 'people'. These men are hell-bent on destroying you. You don't LOVE them, you love the idea of them, the THEM they faked before they let the real THEM seep though.

It is NOT your fault, nothing is. None of you deserve any of this. Come on, please, open your eyes, take a deep breath and stand up for yourselves.

Breakfree, he so much as raises an eyebrow in your direction - 999. I mean it!

Morning! What a wonderful group of women.

I think after being with an abusive man, a PHD in psychology would be a breeze because you spend the whole of your life analysing everything...Why does he do this? Is it becaue I am too weak? Is it because I am too strong? Maybe I should try this? Why am I enduring this? Today I am going to be like this? What am I doing that contributes to this? And round and round it goes.

I am certain that one day I will get out, but I think that knowing that you giving up 'the dream' and what you wanted them and your relationship to be like takes time. And the range of emotions that you feel can be very confusing. Honestly, within the course of one day I can think, ' I really love you' to 'I hope you die.' It would also help if their behaviour was consistently awful, not good-bad-good-bad, leading to it's me-it's him-it's me. It's nuts!

Hoping that you all have an abuse free day. Bastards!

Yes, giving up on a dream is very painful. It's hard to do, and then when you decide to let go, you will grieve for some time. Have a pre-emptive ((hug)), Breakfree!

Getting over the constant analysis phase, by contrast, is much more empowering: one day you will think: "Who cares why he does that? I don't deserve it! "

Hoping for a calm day for you too.

Loveand strength to you all, keep believing in yourselves, 'cos I can see that you're all special women and I think that you all know that really, don't let them take that belief away from you, I will try to practice what I preach.

I have counselling today which is always good, someone who believes in me!

They try to take those people away from you, don't let them, talk to as many people who believe in you as possible and gather strength from them, store it up and know that one day when you have enough of that strength you will be invincible,

WATCH OUT WORLD, HERE WE COME! :)

Really sorry to hear about the shit weekends a lot of ye had:( but strangely enough it gave me the kick up the bum I needed). It reminded me of all the shit and the EA I went through for over 12 years and helped me see that no matter how boring and dull my life is now it is so so so much better then it would have been if I had stayed in my marriage.

Hi, I have been following this thread with much interest and have finally plucked up the courage to post (if I post, I am acknowledging I have a problem, the first step)

My partner displays traits of EA.. I have been skirting around it for many years (been together 17 years, have 2 kids, 9 & 7).. but it's not constant, he turns it on and off like a tap. But he is very controlling, and likes everything his own way!

I am an easy going kind of person and like to try and please everyone, but find myself working especially hard to please him. Anyway, things came to a head saturday night, I was with a female friend drinking wine and suddenly broke down in tears and she has told me I HAVE to start taking steps to get this sorted, for the sake of my sanity if nothing else!

I have booked myself an appointment with the GP early next week to see if I can get referred for counselling. Then I hope to god I have the strength to get this sorted, because at the moment i am a trembling wreck.. :(

I just wanted to know if there are any "coping mechanisms" if another outburst should occur? At the moment I simply walk away and tell him I am not prepared to listen / participate, but this makes him even more angry! He has told me it is my job to help him "get it out of his system", like popping a huge spot... but its not, is it? My ex used to hit me and as a result I am terrified of confrontation of any sort. My current partner has not hit me, but is renowned for throwing things around (but the last time he did this I had just finished tidying the kitchen and I calmly told him he was being childish, and I expected him to tidy up after himself - I was feeling brave - and he did, I guess he was shocked that I stood up for myself).

thanks for listening, I will try and pop in here but can only do from work because he always wants to know what I am up to when I go online in the evenings xx

tmoo hell no it is not your responsibility to help him pop his bloody zits. There is a difference between supporting someone and being their whipping girl.

He is not a toddler who needs help in managing his emotions. He is grown man who needs to take responsibility for his own actions. His moods and strops have nothing to do with you, you did not cause them, they are not your problem!

Good for your for standing up to him, as you can see, reaching that detached, calm state of mind works wonder.

IMHO the best coping mechanisms are just realising that you are in the right and they are behaving laughably. Look at them like you would a child, with the confidence you would have as the adult IYSWIM.

Like toddlers, if they see that tantrumming works, they will continue to do it, whereas if you look at them like they're crazy (you haven't behaved like that since you were little have you?) and say something like "Your behaviour is unacceptable. Stop it or go away until you can calm down a bit" they will usually back down.

Do you think that might work for you?

Please note I would NOT recommend this with a violent partner.

tmoo it is his choice whether to blow up at you or not.

Since you don't cause his outbursts (whatever he may say about that) and you can't control them through anything you say or do, your choice is whether to stay and take it, or walk away (and you don't deserve to be anyone's emotional punchbag).

It sucks that he can't treat you decently and that he feels entitled to spew his rage onto another human being.

Thanks for your replies! It is nice to be able to talk to someone and get some perspective :)

I have just emailed my sister and stepmum and told them what is going on, just so they can understand when I go through my spells of depression and hopefully offer me some emotional support.

Like I said earlier, it's not constant, and it may sound crazy but sometimes I wish it were, so I could actually turn around and say "look at what you are doing, you are acting like a childish twunt!"

The last incident was a couple of weeks ago, I went for a day out with a friend, taking the kids with me. My phone was in my bag and we were in the car with the radio on, so I couldn't hear it. I had 13 missed calls and 2 snotty voicemail messages and 3 shitty texts in the space of 10 minutes.. and it wasn't anything crucially important! It was just the fact that he "needed" me and because I didn't immediately jump to his attention he was not happy.. jeez.

I am actually looking forward to seeing my GP and hopefully will be offered counselling so I can become a lot stronger.

It is interesting that some posters have said about EA's not taking responsibility for their actions.. that is 110% him. Like one time when I was walking my kids friends home (around the corner) and took our kids as well, and ended up staying for a few drinks. I sent him a text letting him know where we were, and when I got home an hour later, he was absolutely fuming.. I should have rang the landline, his mobile was turned off, he was frantic with worry, etc, etc..(I told him where we were going, but wasn't planning on staying, it was a spur of the moment decision)..he ended up driving off in a strop and I had to put the kids to bed with them asking if their daddy was ever going to come back.. he did eventually and I made him go up to them and apologise, and swore to him that if he EVER put that uncertainy into our kids minds again that would be it...but he still insisted that it was my fault, I drove him to it, and after stonewalling me for nearly 4 days, I ended up taking responsibility for it.. and apologising to him!! he wore me down. He also went through my phone and saw that I had text my friend and told her about it, so now I am "forbidden" to discuss my relationship with anyone, even my family.

But no more, I will be getting my strength (and offering it back) from all of you, plus my friends and family. I am feeling much better about myself already, so thanks, you are all beautiful empowering women and I wish you all the best of luck in getting your lives back xx

and I now have set password on my phone.. he can fuck off

oh and MadameOvary, I fully intend to treat him like the stropping toddler that he is.. if he ever dare to hit me that WOULD be IT!

thanks again x

Hello all, sorry not to have been contributing for a bit. I have been reading, but sometimes it all gets a bit overwhelming you know?
He is being reasonable atm which always freaks me out. Then I think "what am I doing taking the dc's away from their reasonable useful father?" I mean yesterday he actually volunteered to take the younger dc's out to a farm park so that I could get some stuff done at home. When he's like that I always say "thank you for being considerate of me", because that's polite, but I shouldn't feel that I need to say these things should i?
It's easier when he is going off on one tbh.
Sorry to all those having a crap time, hooray for all of you who are finding strength and courage within.

Embarrassing question but those of you still stuck with the stbx are you still sleeping with him?

mine stopped sleeping with me 2.5 years before we separated - he had a knack of working out if I liked something and then withdrawing it, from white chocolate buttons to intimacy. After humiliating myself on a number of occasions trying to rekindle his interest I bought a vibrator gave up

Apart from the white chocolate buttons, ditto, ditto, ditto snoopdogg, I can tell the exact time and date our almost 5 year old son was born as it was such a rare event, and we only separated in Feb, he even bought me a...gaveup

I somehow feel that that was too much info, but what the heck, in for a penny in for a pound!

the last time was when ds3 was conceived nearly 5 years ago. It was always me that had to initiate things. I got fed up trying. It was humiliating and I never felt desired or wanted.
I knew if I stopped trying that would be an end of things, and it has been.

iampos, dont worry, its not tmi. Remember plenty of on-abusive relationships suffer from lack of sex too.

bigbuttons abusive people operate within a certain mindset, with rigid values and opinions. If you go along with these/behave like a good Teddy etc its quite possible you will be "rewarded" with the OH doing something apparently nice. If the reward is offered in a reasonable pleasant tone of voice, its even more confusing.
Are they nice now? Did I imagine the bad stuff?
No and no. You can bet that this nice thing will be brought up in an argument if you dare step out of line
"How could you be so ungrateful, after I took the kids out" and he will also be bigging himself up that he's such a good partner/parent. Which is of course laughable as he should be doing that anyway!

A lightbulb moment was when I realised that the only reason that things were calm between X and I was because I had done nothing to challenge the status quo. Had I mentioned a male friend's name, or failed to tell him something until after the event.
He can sulk for Britain, not to mention suck all the goodwill and positive energy from a room in seconds.

Sad to say, they are still operating in an abusive mindset, even when they are being supposedly nice.

That should read "Had I mentioned a male friend's name, or failed to tell him something until after the event, he would lose all trace of friendliness from his face and either go into a sulk or begin interrogating me as to why I hadn't mentioned it before."

god me too, the last time i had sex was two days before ds (5.5 years ) he withdrew that too x

Hi BreakFree re: sex. I know that one of the reasons stbxh fooled himself into thinking I wasn't a hair's breadth of leaving him was because we were still having sex. I was also hanging on to any semblance of relationship normalcy until the moment I actually ended it, so I was a willing participant.

But I do recall that the last time we were having sex, I heard my voice clear as a bell in my head saying: "Whatever gets me through the day...". Freaked me out a bit, as I am not used to messages from my subconscious being so clearly expressed.

...in case you wanted reassurance if you are still having sex with your H/P and wondering why. If that's your case, then you're not alone.

Sex was my X's way of making his cheating less of a guilt trip.....

If he was sleeping with me then he wasn't really cheating because he was still physical (read raping) me.

In my own mind, I want to have him physically so that I still had a connection, a 'relationship' with him.

And, he knew that.