Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

humpty at the chair. I take it your ex is not still your facebook friend then? (mine is!) So far I have only managed to change my relationship status from "married to...H" to "separated" and hide him from my news feed. Need a bit more courage for the big chop - or is it because I want the chance to comment at a later stage??

It's the last line that really gets me....

"We are treating him so that he can urinate normally without the penis."

*Note to self, must check warped sense of humour, recently called a manhater on here... and we all know where that leads

coffee sorry wasn't trying to be critical, just trying to be honest, wouldn't want you to "wait" for him, and it not to be any different rather than you spending the next x many months findng your actual Mr Right!!

nicecup my H told me that facebook was a pointless waste of time and when I left him last november and got back he had his own profile up there with a whole bunch of friends, mostly ex conquests and old school girl friends...He was never my friend, wanker!!!

He was also so stupid that he didn't set his privacy settings so I could read his wall without being friends. Having told me that he thought FB was bollocks, and he wasn't interested in any "old friends" but when I looked at his wall it was all types of bullshit like for example...
Doris says she had a shit day. ExH wrote a comment "Wish I was closer cos I could come and run you a hot bath and rub your back for you"

And that was when we were allegedly "making a real go of it!" after he persuaded me to come back to him.

Knob!

gah! feel like I am reading myself into a corner now... Just discovered the concept of FLEAS link here and am now wondering (stupidly hoping?) If H is not abusive so much as son of a narcisist with FLEAS - and would there be any difference to my situation if he was anyway?

Does it matter? Really?

Does this guy treasure you, make you happy, feel glad and proud to be with him, make you feel good about yourself? Does he come from a family supportive of you?

We all know the answers to this. Who cares what label you give him?

The only thing matters is how he treats you.

By the way, I would just like to say to those still in abusive relationships, that now I understand totally why there is so much advice to make plans to leave slowly - to emotionally detach first and analyse the relationship/his reactions while you are doing it. I jumped out in a hurry (again!) and now its so hard to process/understand everything! I keep swinging wildly between determined-never to-go-back-anger, to overwhelming sadness and loss that makes me just want us to make up and get back together!

Thankfully I am seeing my counsellor tomorrow so will hopefully get some help with all this.

Write a list of why you did jump out, remind yourself of those reasons.

It's what we slow leavers had to do to keep ourselves focussed. Remind ourselves over and over what would happen if we didn't follow though with it this time.

Remind yourself every day of what it was like and what you don't want to go back to.

That ought to do it!

Right, I'm off to bed!

nanight all! see you tomorrow!

nicecup please do write the list and keep looking at it.

The other thing that really helped me was to change my phone number so Ex could not keep phoning me. It also really pissed him off that I took the control away cos he would ring at least 2 times every hour and expect me to respond to him..

I told him we could only communicate thru email or my mum if there was an emergency.

Also if you have moved out... don't let him into your new place. And try not to see him, see if a friend/family can do the handover of the kids and don't let him and his bad attitude into your place even for one second.

Stay strong... it is really really really hard to stay strong, but you will see even in a week how much better things are.

And get yourself lots of reeal life support even if it's only spending time with friends or something to keep you busy

Herhissyness - thanks for the link

Agh, bloody wanker, tosspot. I took the bloody bait. I'm so cross with myself. I took the bloody bait? Why? (stomps off)

Forgive yourself, bigbuttons. Whatever bait you took, you reacted as a human being thinking she was dealing with another person with normal human feelings. But you're dealing with a Narc: whatever he does is to make himself feel good, and whatever you do he'll use to put you down and/or make himself feel good.

Remember how this feels so that you're less tempted to take the bait next time. But do forgive yourself.

XH sometimes treated the divorce as a silly little project I'd got into my head, and even on one occasion told the boys that when "this divorce business" was over Mom and he were going to start dating again and maybe even get back together. I just went "er... NO..." Other times he'd try the tragic route, how could I throw away everything we had between us just for a shag (that line didn't work so well as I hadn't actually had said shag, and still haven't). I was the only woman he could ever imagine loving etc. I said 'tis a pity you treated me like shit then, isn't it? So then he'd make a few phone calls standing behind me and talking very loudly, to what I was supposed to think were other women, and indeed some of them may have been female (one of them definitely was, but if he reckoned he was in with a shout there, well, good luck to both of them but I just don't see it!). The calls mostly started with the greeting "Hello sexy!" I think it was supposed to make me realise what I was missing.

Sad git.

bigbuttons: don't despise yourself. You've been programmed to respond this way for a long time. You're only part-way through the deprogramming process. Look forward to the day when you decide how to react, and do it, and can be proud of yourself, because that day is coming.

We all went through that "wtf did I do that for?" phase. Starting with "wtf did I agree to move in with the wanker" and going on from there... Hindsight is great innit.

Thank you it'sme. I will remember. I have been remembering. I was so good handling him at the weekend. Very calm, very restrained. I was pleased with myself. But sometimes he'll get me with something. It's usually the "I earn all the money and you are spending my money on shit" routine. I gave him £300 odd grand to help buy his mother out a property. I gave him the money. I put it into the family pot. I think that's one of the reasons why I get so angry about the "his" money business. I try and remind him that it's our money and we go round in circles.

Do you know what, I cook the bloody tosspot breakfast EVERY morning. EVERY morning. Bacon egss toms and mushrooms. He says it helps him to work. if I didn't cook it he wouldn't be able to earn so much money for 'the family' therefore I am a bad person doing the kids out of money if I don't cook him breakfast. etc etc
This morning he said I made no difference to the amount of money he made. All I did was look after the kids. i didn't contribute to the financial stuff at all. So I said well in that case no more cooked breakfasts for you and I won't wash your clothes either. He then started threatening me. With what he wouldn't say. Just all the : don't do that bigbuttons, you'll regret it" shit
So I said " why? What are you going to? Because you try and do me and the kids out of anything and I'll have the solicitors down on you like a tonne of bricks"
He then went on about that he was going to give me half of the house and maintain us after the split

Stupid fucking bastard.

Oh, I think you can be forgiven for that one. And make sure you do have the solicitors down on him like a ton of etc.

Anniegetyourgun "sad git" I love your attitude. I need one of those.

I have actually managed pretty much zero contact really well with H. On my therapists advice we sort out Ds's visits via email, and he phones DS at pre arranged times and I just hand the phone straight over, he did try phoning me at first but now he is used to getting only DS or no answer he has stopped. Its definitely helped not get dragged in to more rows and pain, but ironically its not helping my resolve to stay away (which is still v strong though) without the constant reminder of how shitty he is, its harder not to let those thoughts creep in ("is he really that bad? etc) List sounds like a great idea. I will get on it.

RL support still very hard, I am just managing to see one friend at the weekend, dont really want to be a burden to her and be in her life every day!

hang in there bigbuttons you can get through this. xx

hissy thanks for clearing that up re: FLEAS, its nice to have a simple idea to hold on to. Yes he did treat me like shit!

he he nicecupa! life is complicated enough love, without digging for things to find to excuse their behaviour.

I know why you do it, we've ALL done it, if they have something wrong with them, it means they are broken, not evil, calculating or intentionally wicked.

You seem to be doing the right thing, and all you have to do is remind yourself of your reasons. Counselling/anger management doesn't work with abusive men. His anger doesn't need managing, he manages it just fine with everyone ELSE....

Bigbuttons, have you spoken to a solicitor about your rights, money, property etc wrt a split? I think you ought to inform yourself. Knowledge is power and all that!

wizbit the anger is terrible and the other feelings that go with it. I totally understand about how you want to have a rant at him... but honestly you would be wasting your breath.

This very evening I spoke to my exH about access arrangeemtns for the weekend and got drawn into a discussion about whether I would ever considere taking him back...

I said straight out no, he asked why and I told him straight, but it went in one ear and out the other and then he tried to turn it back on me saying his behaviour was a respoinse to mine and how he actually wanted to leave me loads of times but he stuck by me, so I am the gutless one who ran off when the going got tough... serioulsy WTF?????

Then he tried the tears and crying and then he tried to threaten me... if you won't take me back then I won't ever see the kids again and they won't have a dad

And then onto if I can't see them, then there's nothing to live for... I'm going to kill myself.

FFS, by this stage I had long since had enough and told him he would have to do what he thought was best but I won't change my mind and then he hung up.
Then 10 mins later he text me sayign all the usual bollocks about me being the love of his life etc etc and he is so sorry... Too late mate, now fuck off

God they all read from the same script, don't they. The threats, including of suicide, the blaming, the total refusal to accept any responsibility...

Wizbit I envy your anger. I think it would be very cleansing. I ache over the loss of my longed-for happy family, but I feel loss rather than anger.

Rant away on here, wizbit ...

I have managed to slowly lever H towards living permanently at his mums !!!!

BUT I don't think he understands (?) as he is now saying (over & over) that I must agree that I want us to stay together as its best for the children - I really, really MUST agree to this. NO. I. WON'T.

As you say, humpty, in one ear out the other (& nothing inbetween to stop it) ... [sigh]

wizbit what a nightmare...

It's so hard, there's nothing you can do but ride it out and have confidence in your knowledge that you are a good mother and he is full is shit.

Have you got a solicitor? I think this might be something that could move you towards an injunction? Not sure, but I would ring solicitor and ask.

for you

xx