Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

oopps..somehow I don't know this, I mean. Not someone!

nicecuppa (( hugs)) to you. You are very brave. Allow yourself to feel scared, frightened, lonely, angry and anything else that springs to mind.
It's only been three weeks? Of course you are going to be feeling awful.

Allowing yourself to be upset is a really important part of the healing process because it helps you to work through your emotions. But I really do understand your emotions regarding your ex. You wanted it to work , you wanted the false face he showed to be the real him of course you did. I feel the same and it's heartbreaking.
You won't end up alone. One day you will find a good man and you will realise what it is to have a normal decent relationship. Hang on in there lovely.
refresher that was me with the compliment thing. You know even before I read that part of your post I thought your stbex sounded horribly familiar. My stbex also drinks too much socially and accuses me of spending all my money on 'shit'.
Today I was lamenting the state of the house and could he help me coral the kids into tidying up. He obliged because I asked nicely and commented casually that relentless tidying wasn't really my thing was it? WTF? He also suggested that I buy less crap for the kids and there would be less to tidy.
It made me sad today to see all the dads playing with their kids in the swimming pool. He has never done that, ever.
he is now wanting to discuss the logistics of using moving house and splitting. I realised with horror that he was contemplating buying a really huge house in a nearby town and partitioning it so that we could live in half each. I quickly said no I wanted a clean break but that of course he should be around(ish). But I wanted a house in my name. I wanted the kids and he to have a relationship but I wanted us to be able to eat crisps in the sitting room and have a cat

So he's still trying the niceman act and I've still been managing to fend it off even though as I said I feel guilty because I'm a softhearted idiot.
The idea of being with him again creeps me out though. Since my head is now straight. I sort of fear the more I say no will lead , I'm just waiting for his meltdown over all my refusal to be with him and putting him off.
Were at a friends do yesterday and came home early evening. It was a great day but I was happier and more comfortable when he was away talking to other people if you know what I mean. I liked enjoying myself on my own with my friends. Later then when we got home, he was trying to hint at me to come sit with him etc. I know what he was after, same thing as the last few days! I just ignored him and he left the room saying nothing so I went to bed. He came up a while later and asked me why was I going to bed so early and was I ok. I just said I was tired and wanted to read my book which was true. He is being all nicenice today and has already asked could we have a romantic evening. What the F*. I am clearly doing something wrong here. My body language is CLEAR!

No love, he's getting your signals loud and clear, but ignoring them.

he wants a shag and will do and say anything to get one. I had to say X practically made me VOMIT if he came too close to me, he STILL tried it on the night before I carted him off to the airport, he STILL had a go at me AT THE AIRPORT for not sleeping with him!

Even if you wrote I DON'T WANT TO SLEEP WITH YOU EVER AGAIN' in 6' letters, he'd not 'get it', because YOUR feelings are of no consequence.

He is beginning to panic, so yes, expect the nasty to rock up at some point. use the nasty to justify why you wouldn't want him near you. Tell him you knew he'd do that, and it's so funny to be able to read him and his moods like a book. and NO, he's STILL not going to get a shag.

• caveaat - as long as he's not violent naturally... if he raises his hand/voice even 999 without hesitation.

caveat.. ONE half glass of wine cheap date

breakfree, Hello
I am a bit worried by reading your posts... I see that you have now realised what is going on and can read the signs, that yr H is being nice and eventually it will all turn sour.... BUT I am a bit worried that by resisting him it could all turn very nasty. I have learnt that these men use violence/more extreme abuse/whatever you want to call it to pull us back into line. Weather that means a slap or a punch or a tirade of nastiness only you know, but if you carry on resisting he may become more extreme to try and get you back into line...
Does that make sense, the harder you try to resist him, the harder he will probably try to change your mind. Please stay safe... Don't let him hurt you or assault you. Nobody will judge you if you did sleep with him if it keeps you safe until you figure out what your next move is.
Are you planning to leave? Have you contacted womens aid etc for advice? Do you need to talk about how to leave? If so, there is lots of advice on here and other threads. I hvae left my exH with the help of womens aid last Christmas.
sorry if I'm being patronising or speaking out of turn, but I just don't want you to get hurt more badly than you already are
Have you read this article suggesting tactics to get thru the time up to you decide to leave ( look near the bottom)

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

nicecuppa don't worry about the emotions and letting them out...
I am 6 months after leaving and still the emotions wash over me. The sadness and mourning that I felt for having lost my fairy tale happy ever after life has passed, now it is mostly anger that I have.

THe emotions are quite frighteneing as they just seem to wash over you out of nowhere and it is very difficult to keep it together in front of the kids. Take advantage of being alone to let it all out. Have you tried writing a bit of a diary, or just a few pages about how you feel. I have done that sometimes and it really helped to let it all out and also you can read it again later when you feel calmer to try to come to terms with it a bit more or rip it up or whatever, just seemed to help me to let go of my feelings abit!

I have been told over and over again that letting the emotions out is all part of the healing process.

Hi count me in too! I have posted before and various people have been lovely but I am still here.

It has been going well for a while until yesterday when dh started shouting at the dcs and basically had an argument with himself as he wouldn't let me say anything. (On this occasion I was actually going to agree with him)

He kept shouting right in my face then went out taking my car keys with him so I couldn't go shopping or take the dcs out as planned.

When he came back I tried to talk to him but couldn't and then I slammed the bedroom door shut. He then he came running out down the stairs after me and thumped my arm.

Reading this back makes me feel sick. Life is very complicated at the moment but who am I kidding?

bigbuttons the tidiness thing rings a bell for me too... My ex was always moaning about the state of the house etc etc etc... In the end I just couldn't cope and just did the bare minimum to get by... no ironing, basic cleaning, dinners out of the freezer, etc etc etc

What's wierd is that I thought that I was just a bit naturally untidy and had it had got a bit out of hand and I didn't have the energy to fix it... But actually now that I have my own house it's a different story. I wouldn't say that I am super domestic goddess type, but all clothes are ironed, home cooked dinners, house is tidy most evenings so I can sit and relax a bit... So actually it wasn't that I am naturlaly untidy, it was him getting on at me that caused me to lose touch of another part of myself.

I honestly thought that losing my identity was part of having 3 kids... but actually it wasn't it was him who stamped it all out. I felt like I had no room in my life left to be "me" but actually there is loads of room. Even now when there is nobody to share chores with and I have to do everything myself, there is still loads of time and room in my head left for me and my thoughts without him and his nastiness filling it up. Does that make sense? I was so shocked at how quickly after I left that the feeling of myself came back and it made me even more angry that I let him trample me for so many years.

My domestic violence support worker commented this week that I had changed so much since she met me in January and had become so much stronger and more assertive... I was kind of a bit insulted by that because I knew the truth, which is that I am "me" now, not some downtrodden person, but what she is seeing is the real me. Certainly I am older and alot wiser, but I am still me. God it makes me even typing this that my ex thought that he had the right to treat me like this and to squash my personality into a shadow of it's former self.

But on a more positive note, I'm back and have 10 years to make up for!!!

gremlin that sounds so similar to what happened the day that I left, or maybe that was the day before...

He is totally out of order, he has no right to treat you or your children like that...

What do you want to do? Are you ready to think about leaving? If so we can support you in going but if you're not ready, that's fine too, and we will be here for you then too.

Can someone remind me if we know if BreakFree is with someone who may use violence?

Worried now.

yep, gremlin, however long it takes, we're here for you.

HH dunno anything about her story, that's why I said to be careful...

Hi girls thanks for the concern. He has started his crap again this evening after my stand-offishness over his niceness. When he tried his tactics earlier I said "you know why I don't want to go to bed with you" He said "no i don't know why" (inner roll of the eyes) I just said nothing else . So I left the room and when I came back in to get a drink and asked was there cans of coke in the fridge he said "I don't know why don't you look" with this face of pure attitude. He was sitting there with a bottle of wine to himself. The nice facade was gone. So when I pulled him up on it and said there was no need to be like that he started ranting on about how I am horrible, unloving, not a loving bone in my body, I'm the only one that "hates" him blah blah, apparently I treat him like a dog and he doesnt know what he's done wrong to make me act weird. !>!>!>!????
I just walked out. It didn't really phase me except to remind him that he has just done exactly as I expected him to do.

Yes, he has been violent in the past. Pushing shoving Usually with drink on him but for the most its always verbal abuse.

I feel stronger. To my own surprise I am actually sticking to my guns. I think something has clicked in my head, no matter how much he wants it, I won't let him back in and its driving him insane.
He told me to stay the f* away from him because he doesnt want to be even friends with me and to stop using the kids as a weapon. This was in response to me saying I felt we should be civil towards eachother because I didn't want the kids hearing rowing. !>!>!???

Humpty that link is really good. Thanks.

breakfree so what are you going to do next? While I applaud you for not taking his shit anymore, please don't put yourself in danger.

Have you got real life support? Womens Aid? What do you want to do next?

I dunno Humpty its taken me a long time to get this far I'm sort of at a loss.
He's just come in before going up to bed ranting on about how his kids LOVE him, when i never even mentioned the kids to him apart from saying I didn't want him ranting and raving and waking them up by shouting at me into the bedroom from the landing and waking them up, which he did the other week. He then did his disdainful "look at you" crap. I just said "whatever"
That link has been helpful though thankyou

OK, don't engage with him.

It goes like this.

Whatever you say or do, he will find fault in it and pick holes.

He wants sex one minute but tells you to stay the f**k away from him the next.

Be as boring to him as you can, yeah whatever, no, don't think so. Refuse to allow yourself to rise to any bait.

Keep repeating that you want him to go and set a time limit.

Just wanted to send some support to Breakfree, you are doing really great at really seeing what is going on. Hissy's advice sounds great, be careful and seek help from outside sources as soon as you get a chance.

I have been out to see a friend today, and pulled myself out of the wallowing and sadness. Thanks for the kind words hissy humpty snail and bigbuttons that really helped. xxx

breakfree sorry not trying to pressurize you, just seeing where you;re at and what you want support with... don;t want to start shouting "leave him" if you're not ready yet!

nicecuppa, great that you're feeling better today

Just found this. My ex H was emotionally abusive (although he wouldn't agree). It's been over a decade since I left but the scars still haunt me, and I have found myself in relationships since with a similar bias - overall nice guys but I let them get away with anything and almost encourage emtional abuse; 1 guy told me I should ask before I hugged him, and the other flirted with his ex-wife infront of me - did I leave either of them; no, I waited until they left me.

If anyone knows how I can break this destructive cycle please help me. I've done counselling so know what I do, I just can't seem to stop doing it. I expect to get hurt in relationships (a problem childhood hasn't helped this) and have very low self-esteem (I hide that admirably though - amazing what great clothes, sexy lingerie and a huge shoe collection can do to alter other peoples perceptions). But I can't go on like this, putting up with anything from anyone I love.

I can't alter my family situation - nor want to; my parents did their best. But I need to work on how I avoid another Emotionally Abusive relationship, and develop some self-esteem. I have heard somewhere recently that you are no one unless some one loves you and I think this is how I tend to feel even though I know it's incorrect. I feel like no one because no one wants to be with me - and I know this comes directly from my previous emotionally abuse relationships.

Hi teahouse sorry to hear you have been through so many tough times. Regarding "you are no one unless some one loves you" - what a load of rubbish!!! Who told you that ??! (and what does that say about them?) I really hope you dont really believe that. If you do please start deleting this message from your mind, its just wrong! Replace it with "you are no one unless you love yourself"

Are you aware how powerful metaphors like these can be? Are you aware that many times we believe contradictory metaphors?
(i.e. "look before you leap"/"he who dares wins") Do you know you have the power to change these though patterns and in turn change your actions?

Its brilliant that you have become aware of this metaphor, often they flit through our minds and we are barely conscious that we hold them as a belief and act as if they were true. Now that you have identified this belief - change it!! its not doing you any good!! if you replace it with a more positive empowering message it will (hopefully) start filtering through to your actions.