Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

Interesting snaildoodle and nicecuppa the mother issues seems to be a common theme here. Well I suppose it's obvious in hindsight. We are strong women because we had to be strong as children to protect ourselves. We are also high achievers to prove our worth to our mothers perhaps? But we are also still vulnerable scared little children inside.

I long to know what it feels like to be truly and really loved and cherished by a man. I hold on to the thought that one day it might happen to me
barbie I hope your holiday isn't too stressful.

i think this thread is going to be a godsend for me.

just wanted to send my love and support to everyone on this thread

one day, when I'm feeling stronger, i'll tell you my story.

notsucha welcome to the thread. Hope you find it as supportive as I am

Hello,

Have been reading through the threads. I'm having a difficult time at the moment - horrid arguments with h, won't go into it yet - too exhausted.

Reading through this is giving me a lot of strength. Somethings I read make me cry, some make me angry at what others go through. Can't put it in words, but I'm fighting for you (& for me), not in words at the moment, but in spirit.

V

Vivee, I was wondering about you only yesterday! I am so sorry to hear that you have been struggling.

Fear not, the thread that YOU built here will be here waiting for you when you need it. You do know that this thread will be followed by others don't you? This will run and run and run, because YOU made a thread for us all to be together on. This is a Stately Homes, a Brave Bus. This will be a place for many, many people to come and feel a little more normal, a little more understood and a lot less alone. Thank you Vivee!

Keep reading your book, keep watching what is happening around you and don't fall for it. All of US are behind YOU! Remember that!

Come back when you can. ((((HUGS))))

ViVee, absolutely. Hang on in there. We are here. We are all ranting, well I am. But you know just starting to voice things that have happened has been very cathartic.
After all these years of keeping it in it really really helps to let it out. If something shit happens I can come here and let it out. I don't have to carry it round with me anymore.
Thank you for having the courage to start this thread. It will run and run as hissy says. It will be a sanctuary, somewhere where we are are normal and everyone who posts here will understand absolutely in a way no one else could, no counsellor, friend or family in RL.

ViVee, remember you are not alone, we are here and we're gunning for you(( hugs))

notsuch a warm welcome, but sorry you find yourself here.

I need help. OH is really pulling out all the stops because I'm being so determined not to change my mind. He has given me the usual lines of promising to seek help etc but now he is doing everything in his power not to be abusive. Its as if he is the perfect man even though I know within it would never happen , and not that fast even if it was possible. He;s being great around the house, having nice conversations with me, not trying to argue with me, helping loadss with the DCs without moaning and giving out as much as usual. Sleeping in the spare room . Today he tried a few times to cuddle me from behind and when I didn't respond he said he understood. Then he kept going on about how he "just wants to be close to me" etc. I have to say I just feel terribley guilty for my cold manner and soft about it all. This is his worming way back in again. I still know he just wants sex and that will be the end of it. Back to the usual. I know this. Why is my brain letting it happen? For peace sakes? Am I just not able to function without him or something? Am I that programmed? I dreamed for months about being with a nice man. Now I'm not so sure what I want and this scares me.
Someone posted about an EA man being "nice"but thats what should happen all the time not just when he's trying to impress and control the situation. Even I know that. Why do I have these weaknesses.

BreakFree gentle hug for you because you sound like you need one. Take a look at it this way, he is being nice, and you are feeling awful (confused, conflicted, guilty, weak) so something is not right. You dont need to be able to understand it logically or find answers to all your questions, just listen to what your feelings and instincts are telling you. Something is not right. If you cant act on it yet, dont worry, just note what you are feeling now - this is the "nice" bit - and you are not enjoying it. Taking stock of how you are feeling, it might help you make decisions later on. xxx

oh, its rainy season here, just had a massive downpour and my house is flooding! Going to try and have to find a handyman to help me out quick smart because it was always H's job to get up on the roof and fix things before.

BreakFree: Love.

You know it's an act.
We know it's an act.
Hell, even HE knows it's an act.

If you succumb, it'll stop, the nicey nicey stuff will evaporate. Maybe not immediately, but within a day or few. After a couple of weeks, it'll be all totally and utterly forgotten.

he is bringing you back 'in line'. he is not making up to you, he's calling you to heel, using every trick he knows.

Your instincts know it for what it is, he'll gaslight you and cajole you to make you think YOU are being cruel in keeping him at arms length. If you let him worm his way back in, you are validating his belief that he is entitled to treat you like property, without any say, power or respect either.

Are you that programmed. If you don't stick to what you know is actually right, and let him con you again, yes. Sorry but you are.

break the cycle.

Say "Don't touch me!" and if there is any affection from now on it'll be on my terms and with my full consent. don't beg, plead or sulk, it's a turn off. Pawing me makes my skin crawl, so if you come near me, it'll work against you.

Nicecuppa, good luck with the handyman. What country are you in?

breakfree, Hissy's advice is spot on

he told me I was being watched, followed and monitored.

I thought there might be a chance he was at the time.

Why is your 'H' tracking you? what gives him the right to invade your personal freedom. WHY???? ((((hugs))))

vivee, thank you for starting this thread, it's brilliant to have a place to come and read other peoples' stories, and, yes, have a good rant about whats going on in my own situation....
Ribbonsandlace, I wasn't tracked so much as made to understand that I should only be taking, say, 45 minutes to do big supermarket shop; any more and I'd clearly been wasting time and / or up to no good!!! I remember getting very stressed if there were long queues because i know how much H would disapprove.

Now, it seems he does check my laptop, so am a bit worried that one day I'll forget to use private browsing for MN and he will work out who I am....

Breakfree, this is exactly why I'm still with H,he is a master of worming his way back in....

Well, it looks like the accusations of workplace bullying against H won't stick. Sickeningly, have had worried phone calls from colleagues saying how outrageous it is that anyone could accuse H of this; these are people who do not work with him every day, so they only see the charming side. One person left a message saying that H is just a 'strong leader' and that is what is needed in his job!! They are saying the victim is crazy, and can't give convincing examples of bulllying. I just feel numb, really; when I leave H, they are going to say they same about me, aren't they....I feel so sorry for the person involved and I don't know what to do, I can't get in touch with them, but Iwish I could and say, look, I believe you......I know what it's like.

I have just been reading all these horrendous posts , and I did post further up about ones RIGHTS.
I split up from my youngest sons Dad 5 yrs ago nearly and it still annoys me in a way that DS wants to go and see his DAD. Ds goes nearly every weekend and I do understand that its his dad and they love each other, but after the way that man treated me when we were together , I dont feel even now he really deserves to have DS.

Ex pushed me, dragged me over backwards, threw a plum directly in my eye, threw a suitcase from the top of the stairs down onto my head. Left a cut/scar on my back 4 inches long , and emotionally has damaged me for life.
He doesnt deserve his son, he deserves some 7 ft tall bouncer weighing 25 stone to go and beat him up..

Snaildoodle .. You are right psople only see the charming side of them... and boy can they be Charming.. but behind closed doors,,,,,, its another story.

Ah yes most people think stbex is a lovely charing funny man as well.

Am thinking I belong here. In the past 48 hours my stbex has

Ranted at me about trying to spend "all my money and you will be the first one to kick me in the head (metaphorically, ie not lend him any more after he has blown all his on gambling and drinking and other women) when its all gone!" this because I mentioned buying ds a new scooter.

We visited a family member who has just had a baby, within half an hour he had disappeared to the pub for two hours "to wet the babys head" (not his baby!), but he is a problematic drinker, and when the new Mum got stressed as she needed us to leave by a certain time as taking new baby out for first time and had a lot to do, she rang him and told him to come back. I said not a word, but in the car on the way home he told me that she was only nagging him back from the pub because I had been "winding her up" to do so. I said nothing to her.

Ds asked stbex to order a couple of things on ebay. Stbex agreed then came up and started ranting at me for "putting ideas into ds's head, who suggested he get on to ebay, hmm, hmm?". I had been out btw, just arrived back to find ds jumping around excitedly because stbex had ordered him some stuff.

Stbex has also had accusations of bullying and aggression made at work and actually had meetings about it so had toned it down since then I think.

Never changes with me though, he calls it being "assertive" with me and says he has to be or I would "walk all over him".

Someone said up thread about how when the sought a compliment their ex refused to give them one, got angry and then threatened to turn the car round and go home if the poster continued to try to crowbar a compliment out of them. That made me cry when I read it and look like as I remember a conversation with stbex just after dd was born where he said exactly the same thing.

So can I join this thread? have name changed btw.

Refresher, of course you are welcome here, looking at your STBX, you more than quallify

Joking aside, there are no 'worse thans' on here. Our abusers find our own Achilles heels, our sore spots to get at us with greater efficiency, to find the worst way of manipulation at all times to get us to conform, obey, serve, stay. So what is torture to you is no less torture just because that particular treatment wouldn't work with me for example. What worked on me, might not work on you if you see what I mean. Our abusers tailor-make treatment to get maximum compliance.

So we are ALL equal here, we are all valid and we all support each other.

bigbuttons I live in Costa Rica. There that has outed me to other MN users who may know me by a different name

Refresher come in an pull up a chair, sounds like you need to sit down and have a relax after all you have been through.

I am having a really tough weekend. Its only the third one since the split. DS stayed over all day and last night at his dads, and I decided to allow myself some time to just wallow and cry, because I have been fighting not to cry in front of DS all week. I am feeling so so so so lonely. I feel so sorry for myself for having fought so hard to try and make this relationship work and its all been so painful, and I will end up alone at the end of it, it seems so unfair. Its so hard to accept that I still have loving feelings for H despite everything (though I accept the kind man is not actually kind in reality) I guess I am in love with the H that he shows to the outside world (another seemingly fun loving popular guy) and I am so used to hoping that he would just be like that with me more often that the old habits are creeping back in. However, this time the hope gets squashed pretty quickly as I remember everything I have read and talked about with my therapist and I understand now how an abuse relationship works. There is a part of me thought that wishes I was still ignorant so I could go back and just keep trying, because right now that feels more like what I want to do than just suffering on my own!

sorry for the wallow, I realise I am really feeling sorry for myself today, hopefully will pick myself up again tomorrow.

nicecupa, the reason your relationship lasted as long as it DID is down to you, not him. If it were his effort that was the sole driver, it'd have been LONG DEAD by now!

The person he presents to the world isn't him. It's the fake 'game face' designed, purely, to make him look like a decent person, and at times even more importantly, that same face is designed to make YOU look bad, so you lose support/sympathy, while he smirks on from the sidelines enjoying the spectacle which is your destruction.

The person you love doesn't exist. they never did.

You may be on your own, but perhaps not forever, that'll be down to you.

Keep talking, keep posting and please be kind to yourself?

Ribbons, love. Please open your eyes, take a deep breath and see what is happening here.

He has tried to control you subtly and succeeded so far, as you have said you have modified your behaviour.

WHY?

No-one in a NORMAL relationship needs to do this, you do know that don't you?

Now that he has got you to a stage now where you are practically modified into a corner, now he is tracking you.

THAT IS NOT NORMAL!! Oh he may have justified it long enough to you for you to think he can do so, but he can't.

Can you see the extreme nature of his entitlement, this guy may not have hit you yet, but what happens when the tracking isn't enough and he discourages you from going out, but you still have to? He is escalating his behaviour, there is usually only one way to go. Whatever you do will never be good enough for him to suddenly 'get it' and say, Oh sorry love, you are right, you aren't cheating/up to no good/living a life apart from me! Silly me! I'll stop right now. He won't stop. Don't ever fool yourself into thinking he will. He feels entitled to do what he's doing and he'll never give that up.

Make very quiet plans to leave him and get out of this hellish relationship. Make sure you are not tracked

ribbonsandlace Depends which web browser you use, whether or not you have private browsing as an Mozilla Firefox, and in the toolbar at the top (under tools)there is the option to select private browsing. I learnt this inadvertently from H, who is very good at covering his computer history and I think uses it all the time...however it gives me the option to be able to come on here and know that hopefully he wouldn't be able to track me down.

nicecupatea I agree with herhissyness; the lovely man you fell in love with is just one 'face' of this man; the goodness and kindness he shows sometimes doesn't go to the core of him, because if it did, he wouldn't have been able to treat you the way he has. I can totally understand, though, that feeling of grieving for the man you thought he was, I very much feel that for H; but for me, now, even his super-nice behaviour is meaningless, because it has no integrity to it. Does that make sense?

And...time for a mini rant...i swear my H is teflon coated. He manages to get away with stuff, at work and with his friends, that i'd be in deep trouble for doing!! He seems to be able to have people making excuses for him all over the place if he messes things up (saying, aw, he's very tired, he works SO HARD, he needs a break, you know...implying that someone I dont know this, or don't 'look after' him well enough. Arrghhh.)