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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

1000 replies

ViVee · 20/05/2011 21:49

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

OP posts:
Anapit · 21/06/2011 01:25

Please please help me. I need to know about disengaging. And leaving slowly. What do these things mean ?

cathkidstonbag · 21/06/2011 07:05

Is it abusive to be suffering from severe sleep deprivation and have your DH wake you up at 4 am for a shag??? Apparently it was my fault because earlier on in the night I tried to cuddle him (I was awake, sad and lonely). Feel shaky and sick today.

snowmama · 21/06/2011 07:54

Oh omg that is awful. It abusive to wake you up and try, if he actually had sex with you it is even worse Sad.

cathkidstonbag · 21/06/2011 07:59

He's done it before, in fact the last time we did it. Guess it saves any niceties doesn't it. I agreed, it seemed the easiest way. Can't quite believe this is what my life has come to. When I called him on it this morning he said he thought I was awake and wanted it. Ummmmm no to both.

MadameOvary · 21/06/2011 08:14

omg I think you know who is the abusive one here. And that it isn't your fault. Angry

anapit disengaging refers to the process of emotionally detaching from the abuser. Leaving slowly is part of that. The details are different for everyone though. Can you post some more about your situation?

bejeezus · 21/06/2011 10:28

ah..sorry havent read the whole thread. havent offered any one any advice or comfort regarding their own situation. But do you mind if I vent any way?

just having a really hard day today. We are seperating but he is still in my house (refusing to move out till he's screwed me for all he can financial stuff agreed with solicitors). Its been a long time coming and I think Ive done a really good job of disengaging. But still some days are so HARD. I just want him gone so that we can move on.

I STILL sometimes wonder if I am over reacting to my situation. If in fact he isnt an abusive alcoholic (sober now for 3 years) at all; that our relationship has just been a rocky road; I'm as much to blame. I now know know know that this is not true-some where inside me. I've managed to some how programme myself to cling to thta knowledge. BUT when I sit here thinking about it all, I could easily believe that in fact I have given him a hard time Hmm

He doesnt need to do 'minimising'. I manage to do it all by myself. Does anyone else do this?

Anapit · 21/06/2011 12:38

Omg we are not married . Tog about 15 years. Three lovely primary school aged children. I can't go on any more. Faults on both sides but def EA - i am walking oneggshells , he refuses to let me speak in discussions , angry outbursts every few weeks. BUT. This is crucial. I am sole earner. He has been sahd by default as he has been out of work most of relationship. House mine alone. I have shared everything with him up till now. Not married. No PRA. I want him to leave but am terrified he will fight for residency as he is technically main carer. I work only two days a week. Can anyone help?

Anapit · 21/06/2011 12:42

To clarify , if it got nasty cd he get ME to leave through the courts and him stay in MY house with me paying for it all and me not living with my children ? Because he couldargue he is main carer ( he's not really , I do at Least half , am only working two , sometimes three days a week. ) I am in Scotland

HerHissyness · 21/06/2011 12:48

Anapit, you need seriously good legal advice, contact shelter scotland, and the CAB service too.

HerHissyness · 21/06/2011 12:54

omg: hugs love, just hugs. been there, had that, it's awful. Perhaps tell him clearly today during daylight not to do that again. Then if you are asleep and he tries it, just get up and go sleep in the kids room. it's what i did.

bejeezus: love we all feel like that, the surely it wasn't THAT bad, he didn't mean it, it was the drugs/drink/upbringing whatever. But the fact is that he DID do it, knowingly or not, he did it. He won't ever change, he really won't so the only thing you can do is change, your postcode! Grin

It's a survival technique borne of the very slow and gradual creep of the abuse, we dismiss it at the beginning, and it becomes a habit.

You are not over-reacting. you know that when you sit yourself down in the cold light of day. It's fear of the un-known working away at you.

Tell yourself this, if you stop this divorce tomorrow, your life will return to how it was. Or you carry on and then your life can change, and YOU get to choose mostly how it changes. I know which one I'd go for... but that's cos I AM out.

You are doing the right thing.

HerHissyness · 21/06/2011 12:59

So yesterday we had the text to speak to DS. - I dialled the number, they spoke, he asked to speak to me, I hung up.

Then he texted me to call him to talk - I didn't.

So today I get a text to say "How are you for money?" (Does he think I can't see through that???)

I replied to this one - If you want to send money, it's always welcome. It is usual to help with costs for children.

His reply? "Hissy, I said Sorry, I love you."

Oh right then, that's OK then isn't it? Silly me!

WTF?

Mouseface · 21/06/2011 14:00

Hissy - step away from the phone my love.

You know how this works, you've seen it all before. He may well love you, you are the mother of his child after all, but he has zero respect for you.

You know all this, it's old hat. He's just changing direction sweets. He won't stop until he gets a response from you, a rise if you like.

You need to step back a little bit further.

Turn your phone off for half and hour, make a brew and decluttered your head for a while.

xx

TooScaredToLeave · 21/06/2011 14:16

Anapit you need to get legal advice on that.
You will know whether he would really want resodency or not and if it is just a way to get at you. But first find a good fame solicitor and get some advice ASAP.

HerHissyness · 21/06/2011 14:44

Oh I did turn it off yesterday, I ignored the texts too - only the one where he mentioned money did I reply, cos I thought hey, if there are bank transfers going, then he can pay his fair share....

I know what his game is. I know what he's done.

But he'll get no rise from me today. It's WAY too late for that. I know that he doesn't love me, he doesn't know the meaning of the word.

The saddest thing is all those years I longed to hear it, now it just makes me cringe. It hasn't affected me, I don't feel anything at all for him. he is a stranger to me tbh. a not very nice one either.

I'll never ever, allow him back in my life. He can paint himself purple and run naked 43 times around the Eiffel tower with a rose shoved up his arse and I wouldn't have him back.

He does however owe me a shit load of money, 10s of £1000s, so tbh, there is reason not to tell him to totally fuck the fuck off.

That said, I have potential people in place in Egypt that if they broker a deal could ensure that the amount he owes me DOES get separated from him, just in case.

Mouseface · 21/06/2011 16:21

Holy Shite Hissy - get you cash back if you do nothing else!

Mouseface · 21/06/2011 16:22

Okay - I need to ask, my story is really long and not very nice at all. Should I post it on here or should I send it in PMs to those who want to read it?

What do you all think?

PeepToes · 21/06/2011 16:44

Hi Mouseface

I would be happy to read your story here or on PM. Whatever you think yourself.

HerHissyness · 21/06/2011 17:05

see, method in my madness mousey... If I had have had the money in my account the whole time... I'd have been loooong gone years ago!! Grin

wrt your story, only whatever you are comfortable with love.

Mouseface · 21/06/2011 17:18

I want to share it with those who are in my situation now, or similar. Just to show that you can survive, you can get out, you can heal and be yourself again.

What to do.............

Loving your madness Hissy Grin my kinda girl!

Mouseface · 21/06/2011 17:19

What I mean is I don't want to upset or offend anyone. Right, I'll have a think...... so to be such a bloody drama queen about this but I'm ready to tell someone IYSWIM. I just want to get it right.

HerHissyness · 21/06/2011 17:23

Mousey, you won't upset of offend anyone with your story. the only reaction you will ever get is the deepest of admiration and total sympathy.

Mouseface · 21/06/2011 17:24

Okay, thank you Hissy xx

Anapit · 21/06/2011 17:57

I ve spoken to a lawyer. She was unable to advise !!

Mouseface · 21/06/2011 17:59

Why not Anapit?

What did she say?

HerHissyness · 21/06/2011 17:59

OK email Shelter. They will know. You have to understand your rights/position. sounds like that solicitor was a waste of time. Keep trying! Grin

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