Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

Have you looked at the Women's Aid website for advice?

Yesterday's exercise proposed by Hissy:

who we are, what we can do, what we have achieved, and what we dreamed of, what we what to be

I am a kind and generous woman with a sharp intellect, who derives joy from art, nature, and human endeavours when they are constructive, creative, idealistic or humble.

I can communicate, analyse, organise, think creatively, empathise, nurture, and do any kind of handiwork. Tend to be exceedingly good at anything I attempt, even for the first time (would suck at anything destructive or competitive, though). I can speak intelligently about pretty much anything in several languages, and know how to make others feel at ease and valued.

I have achieved high levels of academic learning, and a stable, highly sought aftger and rewarding career. I have made others feel valued.

I dreamed of being a writer, but gave it up at 15 because I wasn't a genius (can't accept anything short of perfection... )

I want to be confident about my worth, and be able to put my own interests first.

Anapit, you are logically worried that your P could be seen as the main carer for your child. If you were married, that's certainly something that would have some weight. Same with the house etc...
However, your situation is different and I am not sure if that would apply to you. For example, I would have thought that your P could ask for part of the house if he could prove he had spend some money on it (help with morgage, decorating etc...) - which he probably hasn't if he hasn't been working. As you are not married, I don't really see why you would pay him some money either.
You really need to see a family sollicitor. I mean a real one that knows what they are talking about. That one sounds rubbish!

MadameOvary, no there is history of DV with my friend. No idea with EA. It was more than 20 years ago and few peole would have talked about EA relationship at that time.
But that's the thing. Even if I can recognize my H in some many of your posts (I've just discovered another one reading this thread- the 'friend' who says X or Y), I am still wondering if it is really EA or more of a dysfunctional relationship (therefore that can be improved, worked on etc...). Hence the fact I am finding my firend's comment unsettling. What if I am as 'crazy' as she was and missing the point complitely?

Saying that, I totally agree with you. The only person I can change is myself. I have/am doing that now and just that in itself brings me so much happiness (as I finally start to enjoy my life, the dcs, my work despite him).

Mouse I don't see why you would offend someone.

Hello all, sorry to have not been on. Have been reading though. Hugs to all of you here. Have horrible cold so have jelly for brains. All is quiet here. Just wish I could relax.

mouse tell your tale
DH almost raped me this morning - I say almost becuase there was no pentration and no violence as such, but he was not taking no for an answer this time after a week or so of rejection.I l let him staring over his shoulder and planning my day. He saw nothign wrong it it, got up and asked me politely if i would iron a shirt for him. My inner voice said "Fuck off an do it yourself, I'm leaving" but my external voice said "ok dear" and felt nothing.
Later today he phoned me to say the roads were bad because of all the rain and to take care, then later again, after visit to father in hospital, he asked how dad was but more imprtantly "how are you. youare what matters"
I'm just having to switch off from the good and bad.

Wow Puppy! how inspiring are YOU?!

Read that back to yourself too. Remind yourself of who you are!

demented, sadly he doesn't see any wrong, because he is entitled to sex the way he wants it and when he wants it.

He is entitled to have you iron his shirt.

The nice is the top side of the circle. In days gone by, that little sliver of nice was all it took for him to carry on.

Your eyes are open now.

Do you have a spare room?

Does he know you are going?

How can these buggers get it SOO catastrophically WRONG?

This is no way to treat anyone! THEY wouldn't have it?

Jesus Christ!

get well soon bigbuttons!

Thanks all. Solicitor was family law specialist. Highly recommended paid £150 for half an hour of being told things I'd already found out online. I really bought shed be able to say " you are not married , the house is yours, he would not have a chance of getting sole residency and kicking you out " but shr did not say that at all. I was gutted. I deliberately chose NOT to marry my partner because as the alleged not main cater my position would be severely weakened. Maybe I should post in legal ?

it's worth a try posting in Legal, but email Shelter too. Women's Aid may be of some use too, try them!

I told him a few weeks ago I wanted out. he was devastated, cried, clung to me, promised to change.
We have DDs 20 and 17 and DS 9. DDs will leave home in September, one to college one to au pair abroad.
I am detached - photocopying documents, making up a bag of clothes etc to keep in work. Biding my time.
It has been a long road to reach this point mentally where I KNOW I will go at some point. It gives me hope that one day....one day....

You will demented, you will. Focus on your goal!

we don't have a spare room. we don't have any money -I mean none, no savings at all, Not one penny.
He has mental health problems, has had counselling etc.
For me it's over, in my head and heart and soul. Just my body is here. i drink a lot.
he is a better father to the DCs than the one I ever had - they love him. This is part of the problem.

I read this all the time - it is tatterd and torn and I know it by heart now:
The Journey

One day you finally knew
what you had to do, and began,
though the voices around you
kept shouting
their bad advice --
though the whole house
began to tremble
and you felt the old tug
at your ankles.
"Mend my life!"
each voice cried.
But you didn't stop.
You knew what you had to do,
though the wind pried
with its stiff fingers
at the very foundations,
though their melancholy
was terrible.
It was already late
enough, and a wild night,
and the road full of fallen
branches and stones.
But little by little,
as you left their voices behind,
the stars began to burn
through the sheets of clouds,
and there was a new voice
which you slowly
recognized as your own,
that kept you company
as you strode deeper and deeper
into the world,
determined to do
the only thing you could do --
determined to save
the only life you could save.

~ Mary Oliver ~

(Dream Work)

My BFF (the only one I had in Egypt) sent me that poem. It's beautiful isn't it?

I just wanted to share this: I've been lurking, reading and occasionally posting re very difficult relationship with sometime partner.
Today I think I've made some progress. Saw post yesterday on another thread in which someone said
"A good father is one who respects the mother of his children and supports the mother in what she does to bring up their children and look after the family".
It made absolute sense to me and made me see where OH was letting me down and why I was so frustrated and depressed hoping that I could do something different. I know there are loads of people out there saying get rid of him because of x or y and lots of others asking if a relationship can be saved. At the moment my relationship is definitely off, but there is still a residual hope that I can mend things (I haven't bought St Lundy book yet, though have tried counselling alone, am on ADs and do struggle from day-to-day not having OH around). However, I've slowly making progress on what I want and learning not to be afraid to say it, so am using the above to judge his actions. I don't think the above statement matters if you are together or have split. It seems like a yardstick against which to judge how H, OH, exH or whoever behaves.
What does anyone else think? It's helping me make sense of where I'm at anyway.

OK, Hissy needs to ask a question. To those already out.

My sister kind of read me the riot act about it all, told me that the reason my mum didn't call me, that she didn't call me when I was alone and suffering out in Egypt was because they couldn't handle it, and because I'd tell them things that scared the living daylights out of them, then days later, I'd tell them not so bad things, positive things.

OK so this abuse was not my fault, then why are my family holding me responsible then? Why did they not just send a text an email to say, we worry about you, we can't handle hearing the stuff you write, but we hope you are OK. anything, not fucking silence.

Why when he finally left, did mum not call me, not see me, not ask me how I was doing, why could she not wait to get off the phone, why did she try to let me down, when I was out of the relationship and needed anyone to say, It's OK. Nothing more. Why did she lie to me a piss off all the way around the world and not tell me she was going until a week or so before, and 3 days after X was due to leave? why did she say she could see how much he loved me and felt happier when she came to see me out there?

I just don't get it, none of it makes sense? I was alone, isolated - OK by my own decisions at the end of the day, but why add to it? because stuff I told them was unpleasant? imagine living it FGS. Alone. I would try and come home and my dates would be a problem.

I smell BS tbh, I smell passing the buck and post-rationalisation. None of it makes any sense to me, and I can't talk to these people at all about it, I have no space to do so. DS is always about.

It all adds up to me having had a bollocking from my sister for getting into an abusive relationship. Not one of them said anything, not for years anyway. Not one of them put cards on the table, they all sat by and said good luck and bon voyage.

OK I was full of hope, excited by the prospect of a new life, but when it all went quiet, when I had no contact with them, no way of me calling/emailing/texting them, why let that happen? why detach?

Sorry that is a rambling sack of shit isn't it?

I even apologised to my mum for worrying her.

I'd go 3 weeks without a call/email/text if I was stupid enough to even say, I'm having a bad day today.

notsorted - agree re that quote TOTALLY.
bigbuttons get well soon
demented please keep posting on here. I an concerned about you re drinking.
anapit legal stuff aside, the more research you do, the more clear things will become. I hope you get lots of support on here.
Sorry if I am being brief/brusque Am on phone in bed , DD having disturbed night.

Oh Hissy
It's their failing, not yours. They let you down, big time. You deserved so much more and they, whether in cowardice or malice or just plain fucking indifference, turned their backs on you.

Good for you for getting it out. That's what we're here for.

HerH,

my only explanation is...

maybe she just couldn't "get" it:

...that if it is difficult for us who are living this abusive reality, if it takes us years, and years to understand what's going on, if we spend so much time "normalising" what's happening, if we lurch from thinking it's Ok - it's just the ups and downs of life, to - I CANNOT live like this...then how can we expect the rest of the world to understand.

That's why this thread is so useful...everyone on here knows what everyone else is talking about. No-one has to explain anything - we all KNOW.