Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

barbie, the them doing stuff wrong is actually worse than you suggest, because not only does what he has done not work for you, so wastes the actual time you hoped to save, it means you have to spend the same time AGAIN (at least) putting it right, so he manages to STEAL time from you IYSWIM?

OMG, you will get through this, you need to detach and just state the facts back at him. You have no right to address me like that, Get uber formal on him if you need to, low and calm and with intent.

You can immunise yourself from these people, you need to understand yourself, what makes you happy, and be a bit more selfish about it actually You coax your self esteem back to life and then you will easily balk when someone tries to walk over you again.

You will have the wherewithall to say, Erm, No. That's not how it's going to work for me actually. and STICK with it.

OMG - Beverly Engel's got a website - www.beverlyengel.com/books/emotionally.abuse.rel.htm

Don't be put off by the hairstyle!

OMG, you wouldn't have even seen this OM, he would have failed to even register on your radar if you were happy within yourself, and didn't need someone telling you that you were lovely, sexy, clever and all the stuff that H was telling you you were not.

Bugger the lot of them. You ARE lovely, you ARE sexy, you ARE funny, clever and great. YOU just need to see it.

HerHissy I know. The denial stage is very very hard to hear when you have been through it yourself and know what's coming.

OMG There is knowing something on a practical level, and absorbing it on an emotional level, which is when it sinks in. As you have enough to deal with emotionally, I'm not surprised this is where you're at.
Be kind to yourself and I hope the book helps when it comes. X

Herhissy - timewasting, yes indeed. I think about a year ago I stopped expecting anything from him but occasionally I fell for asking him to help. He would epic fail (as dd puts it) on almost every occasion.

I like uberformal. Vorks for me.

Regarding being more selfish - a counsellor put it to me that I ought to consider 'what's in it for me' more often. I was horrified - I've NEVER done that! And that's why abusive men pick victim women like us.

Awww, you have a lie down herhissyness, and even maybe a , you've earnt it after the good fight you put up trying to open up the eyes of the poor girl on the other thread. Respect to you.

In fact, put yer feet up, I'll go and make one for you!

You're so right. He was an ex from a long time ago but I hadn't thought of him for 20 years. Then we were friends again and he was really nice to know. All my friends warned me he wanted more but I couldn't see it. Then I realised and suddenly somebody was telling me I was all those things I'd been told I wasn't and it was so good. He reminded me of all this stuff from the past that I'd forgotten and it was so easy to trust him and fall for him. But like you say, in a happy marriage I would have rebuffed his advances. And if he was really my friend and he did know how bad my marriage was, then he would never have fucked me over as well (not literally I might add!!!).
Right book ordered and the Lundy one too. Getting them sent to a friends house so DH doesn't realise. He's freaked out enough about me going to counselling. In fact as I go tomorrow he will be really nice to me tonight, obviously thinks that makes me forget rest of week :D

I'm just getting the what's in it for me thing actually.

I worry that I'm being too argumentative atm, but as far as I can see, I do have a point.

Like not allowing my mum's H to swear at my son, twice.

Like not wanting to spend any time at all with Dad's Wife (ow) who has for the most part of 20 odd years done all she can to prevent contact, and he has let her. Now he wants me to go over there, now he wants to bring her to the birthday weekend thing, even though sis and I don't want to share our birthdays with her. Why on earth would I introduce my DS to a pair like that? it's bad enough he has to know his grandad who broke up our family, but then let his DW dictate his life, and we now have to smile and eat shit? There will be no apology, he says it was 50/50 Erm NO. No thanks. I'll pass. I associate with better people than that frankly.

His (very possibly last) big birthday the following weekend, we of course are not invited.

So he rang last night and asked me if I was going. I kind of lead him to believe I would be, but I won't. Dunno what I'm going to say, or when, but I suppose he'll call me on Saturday, and naturally mention the following day.... I suppose it'd be best to tell him then.

thanks ribbons is most welcome!

omg, you have done the right thing, that book will show you so much!

Ha ha, i did shout at X once, look, you are so shit, they even write books about people like you!!!

I suppose my previous post shows that once you stand up for yourself against your abusive P, you realise how you need to stand up for yourself in general.

I know I have an awful lot of power when I get going, the momentum is scary, so I do try and moderate it, cos I know what I am capable of unleashing.

The funny thing is, no-one scares me any more. I had someone who would beat me into submission should he so wish, I won. So no little man standing in front of me trying to justify swearing at my boy is going to scare me. No cheating dad who has had us jumping through hoops all our lives is going to tell me that I have to be in a place when I don't want to be.

I'm (very) nearly 43 FFS, I can run international projects, speak a number of languages, I can advise on a number of not very important issues, but consult nonetheless. I am a damned good mother, having done it all on my own with literally no outside or inside help for that matter, most of it locked in a golden cage in a loony bin of a country with an abuser.

Why would I let these people tell me wtf to do? really? it's beyond comprehension isn't it?

OK exercise time..... not physical [shcok] .... steady on girls - but an exercise in recovery?

Can we remind outselves here who we are, what we can do, what we have achieved, and what we dreamed of, what we what to be?

Being a mother is what I am most proud of, I have no degree, but I worked hard to learn what I needed. I'm not superhuman, not at all, but I'm OK.

So come on girls - who are we?

Let's remind ourselves of the stuff we know we are and the stuff we need to hear.

"Ha ha, i did shout at X once, look, you are so shit, they even write books about people like you!!!"

Exercise -
Who I am-
I am a kind person, a good one, I wouldn't hurt anyone and I protect others if I can. I'm not sexy because I don't want to be atm, but I know I can be. I'm not gorgeous because I don't want anyone to see me much atm, but I know I can be.
Where I want to be -
Living in peace, with dds, wherever (I don't really care any more - used to think I should be 'escaping to the country', but now I realise that I was just trying to escape from oh). Disentangled from his life.

Where I want my kids to be-
Happy and living with me, not needing to worry about stbex. He has started using same tactics on oldest dd as he uses on me (only a few times but once was too many). I need to know she is also protected. Access is something I've not thought about but I need to get my head round.

barbie, all of that is doable. even the sexy and gorgeous bit..

I know what you mean though, if any male even looked at me I'd bludgeon him to death! I'm hiding behind fat at the moment, not ready to shed it, but i'm going to make better choices for myself.

have had lots of my hair cut off, now sporting fabby new nail varnish.... had a manicure at the hairdressers... i'm pampering myself, for me. it feels good!

Now barbie read that back to yourself, out loud!

oooh mouse!! ummm, nice to see you here too. again

I see you there mousey.... don't think I didn't.....

Ma - what's said here stays here. xx

I'm not sure why I'm here. I've seen a few threads about abusive partners over the last few days that have made me think about telling my story as proof that you can get out.

I hope that doesn't sound big headed.

Just need to gather my thoughts so that I make sense (new meds are screwing me up )

Not such a good day today.
H is still doing his best to be a 'nice' person ie behaving normally. Still is trying to reach out to me, have a cuddle (thanksfully he has stopped the gropping) but I don't feel it is imposed on me any more iyswim. He is even speaking to me! (A miracle compared to the last 5~7 years)So in some ways, I feel I can not 'fault'him anymore.
And then he can still be his usual selfish self (like you sell your car, we get a new one that I am taking and you will use mine - the one where the doors don't lock wo a fight, doors at the back don't open from the inside etc... A joy to use when you have 2 dcs at the back and doing the school run).

I don't think I have any feelings for him. I don't think I am in love with him anymore. I just don't care about what is happening to him. I do care he is well but the same way i woud care about someone I know/is important for my dcs but I am not close to.

So why is it that I am still here trying to make everything better? why is it that I still feel guilty to leave? That if I m the one leaving, it will be all my fault and not his at all? It's not even that I feel I have to stay financially. I am strating to make some money and I know that with benefits, we would get by (not well but we would). So why?

X just texted to ask to speak to DS.

This after a How are you text I ignored the other day.

I called the number for X, let DS talk to him, as soon as X (on speaker) started to ask to speak to me, I motioned to DS to give me the phone.

I hung up. without a word.

He told DS he needed some there-there.

DS was sweet to him, but why would I do that? My phones are now all OFF.

mousey, i think it is helpful to tell others you got out, yours was such a horrific experience too, i do wonder too if you can get some help too - as I do - from talking through other people's issues with them on here?

When X left, for the first few days I felt as if I had no right to be here, on MN at all I mean. That I wasn't in a relationship, that the relationship had failed, and therefore so had I.

I know that is not strictly true now, but I only found that out when I started to reach out and ask for help, I got some lovely PMs too then I started to stop thinking about me and started to try to help others, and I found that it helped me to process my feelings about my situation too as it were!

Eek, i just dodged another manipulation technique didn't I? he didn't get me before, so he tried to get to me through DS

he reckons he's coming over at the end of the year. and told DS to say hi to my mum... yeah right! like that's going to go down well....

Herhissy I think I love you (in a respectful, non-stalkerish way of course)

Tooscared if you look at what you've read, it comes across loud and clear that although you have reached the point where you are starting to detach and can see through his behaviour, you are still invested in the family and your relationship to him through that, and that is totally understandable.
You come across as uncertain rather than decided "I dont think I have feelings for him/I dont think I'm in love with him anymore"

You invested years in the marriage, you loved him, you had children with him...that doesn't just go away. Detachment takes time and can't be forced. You wouldn't be human (or in severe denial) if you could walk away just like that.

Sorry if I am preaching or being patronising, just speaking from own experience.

Mouseface - go for it! I'd love to hear your story

Tooscaredtoleave - re the car scenario I was offered the same option by my DH last year. I managed to manipulate the situation in what was possibly the highlight of my married life. Like you I didn't want my DHs old car, it was huge and had problems and I didn't want his cast off so he could drive round in something new. So I spent weeks pointing out that in fact the best idea for us was to trade my car in for something smaller, did some figures re fuel economy, low insurance etc. Checked safety spec on the car I wanted and all the technical data. Basically blinded him with boy stuff, then pointed out the reasons I deserved a new car, like never having had a new one before. Then played the blinder of talking about friends whose DHs had bought them nice cars and how nice these DHs were. After all to do something so kind for their wives it was like showing the world what a good husband they were.
Let's just say I got my car, new, small, sporty, convertible :D
Of course he then went and bought himself a new car too :D
Worth a try maybe. I just played him at his own game. Afterwards you could almost see him trying to figure out just how he'd ended up getting ME the new car!!!!