Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

Oh yes, the imaginary friends.... it's all bollocks, so convincing at the time, but once you realise that actually, no person would really say that about someone elses wife... and if he were not to deck said person, you'd have a massive bone to pick with HIM actually!

It is only said to give him legitimacy, if he said I think X Y or Z, you'd say, bugger off! By telling you it's other people saying it, he is ganging up on you.

OK, so now you know, no meets at the house. It's not worth the pain. The kids are acting up out of attention seeking, and it's giving him ammunition to use against you again. In time it'll get better. Promise!

Find an indoor and an outdoor neutral meet up, then at least you can get the little blighters in the car, turn the corner and then yell at them to behave, out of nobber's earshot!

Hello everyone. I notice we've all had the typical crap weekend then!
X and I were going to see a house he was thinking of renting, and then shopping for DD and I. He was moody and withdrawn all round the supermarket and said he didn't want any shopping (I usually ask him and get bits and pieces he needs) as he "wasn't in the mood"

By the return journey it was all clear, according to him I didn't care, there was no point in him moving because DD and I wouldn't come every wekend, he was going to hang himself from a tree, etc etc. I asked him if we should split up. He didn't see any other option. I reminded him that it was impossible for us to live together, we were both too moody and I would rather shoot myself and it would be bad for DD.

I think he has got the message now.
I actually dont care if he wants to end the relationship, it isn't much of one anyway. I loathed the way he was banging on in utter self-absorption in front of DD. He left soon after and DD and I went for a walk and had some fun, which blew away the cobwebs.

Hurryup I would say keep your job, I really would. OM will become part of the furniture and you will get strong again. IMHO if it gives you satisfaction then hold onto that.

Dooin sorry that you are recognising stuff on this thread about OH, but it is an important step, realising that they have all read the Twat's Handbook.

I really want to say to you all - dont waste your time explaining your feelings! It's engagement and will just lead to frustration when your concerns are ignored again.
All the annoying stuff they do, it's passive aggressive because they just dont care - they are literally careless with keys, important documents etc.

X is a "closed circuit" he is wired so I will never get through to him. I accept this now.

MO talks a lot of sense.

oh and hurry, I would also say keep your job. Grit your teeth and hold your head up high. Keep busy, don't engage with the x. You'll prob have more colleagues on your side than you will imagine - Isome of them maybe know what he's really like. Just look onwards and upwards...this situation will be "yesterday's news" very quickly.

H is more "normal" today...he went out on his own (so self-absorbed) had a long walk, (no we didn't want to go with him...we always have to do what he wants-you know the story). So this evening he actually conversed (well, managed a sentence or two) with the dc's, and took down a bookshelf in dd's room, at her request. This is when we get a little taste of what "normal" life might be like. Of course, I know it will never really be like that, sadly.

oh hugs seriously, it was the 'normal bits' that kept me going for so long! but just the difference i've seen in the dc's compared to the weekend and the week iyswim? i know i'm doing the right thing! not looking forward to this week i'm insisting on divorce where he just thinks I! needed time to calm down! the man isn't for real! i know it's hard but when he's normal like that just remind yourself of the negatives and you'll still see things from an outsider's light if that makes sense?

Rallying call here....

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1240620-DP-jealous-of-ex

It's not just me that sees it is it? She's mid 20s FGS....

Crappy start to the morning yet again. DH got all cross with me for "expecting too much from him" in the mornings because I asked if he could print something out for DC while I was looking after puppy. Literally a 30 second job. Then apparently I had ruined his whole day and made him feel sick and anxious and he was worried he might start having panic attacks again :( I felt awful after he'd left. I'm literally on my knees at the moment with stress and some weird bug where I feel tired and shivery all the time and I get no freaking sympathy for that and now have to worry I have made him ill too!!!

omg - sorry you've had a bad start to the day. Hopefully it will get better. when is your next counselling session or have I got the wrong person?

Tomorrow. I had to miss last weeks :( The trouble is it's only an hour which isn't really long enough to begin to sort DH, ex OM, my narc mother, worries about my kids etc. I need an intensive week long course!!!

I know the feeling, when I had my first session the counsellor asked how many session I thought I would need. She agreed that open ended was a good plan, its so expensive though. Have you looked at the moodgym and living life to the full website? she told me about them, I might give them a try.

OMG
You are NOT making him ill. He is guilt tripping you because he can get away with it and you are a good person and want to believe in him and what he says.
But he is talking bollocks. Really, X used to do this too.
He is being a drama queen, a wuss and an unmentionably selfish tosser.

I remember when such responses would make me feel ill, too, sick to the pit of my stomach. It's because you make the approach as a normal, rational reasonable person expecting the same (I mean a printout FGS!) and they come back with this arsenal of grief which knocks you sideways.

When you think of all the responses you could have had:
"Sure, give me a minute"
"Arg, I cant right now but I'll do it asap ok?"
"Sorry, too busy, will have to wait"

What he did was completely OTT, and the worst thing is, he has trained you to respond that way, he knows exactly what he's doing. Can you imagine him behaving like that in front of an employer? Or his friends?

The only response he deserves is an eye-rolling "get over yourself" and a bottle of smelling salts (for when the poor fragile soul has another funny turn.
I know you cant do this right now, but that's what happens you start to detach and see them for the immature little weasels that they really are)

Look after yourself, and dont worry about him, because that stressful way you're feeling? That's because you feel wronged and KNOW you should be angry, but you're burying it as you can't express it right now.

Is he a narcissist by any chance?

Thank God It's Monday

Managed to have a row while he's lying in bed and I need to talk to him. He ignores me (it's not early, 8.15) and it's important, about dd. We can't talk about her at other times (she's up too late now). When I complain he's not responding he says shut up. Stomps off and says he'll sort her out, without the aggression and shouting.

In other words, "how dare you think that I will co-operate with you on any level you useless waste of space and bad mother with anger management problems". Wow it's good therapy to translate his words and actions into twatspeak! Twat translation.

Him staying up late and getting up late in the morning means "your life and the kids life has nothing to do with you, except that I need to know that I 'have' you so I insist on getting up just early enough to say goodbye to you before you go."

And then he went to work and now I can get on with my life. I emailed someone from college this morning for moral support. I have loads of assignments due because we had a court case a few months ago for dd and things got behind. College person gave me said support. OH gives me NO encouragement, shows NO interest and obstructs and disrupts stuff on the computer so I can't find it - occasionally he has bought stuff for me (at my request cos he's in town and it's specialist stuff), and it's always not the right thing. This translates into TWATSPEAK as "I don't want you to better yourself but I know I can't say that so I will pretend to the outside world that I am supporting you by buying these things but in fact I will get it wrong so you can't get done what you need to get done and you will fail, not because I have been disruptive, but despite my being supportive, which means it's your fault."

He came up trumps yesterday though, must have thought it through about father's day being about being a father. I still had to go with them and 'witness' the fun though. TWATSPEAK for "I really can't get out of this one because they got me a card so I'll have to pretend to have some fun for a couple of hours. She can be there to take the cr*p when I come across those stupid people out there with their stupid driving habits and their inability to read signs."

I'm feeling ill with stress of overdue college work and finding it hard to put this all out of my mind. I may not come back for a few days because this is a bit too absorbing for me right now. I might come in with some more TWAT translations though.

I don't know if he is. Fairly sure exOM is, still can't detach from him because I care even more for him than I do DH. By some sick twist of fate I get 2 men who treat me like crap (and yes I know that's because I let them!) so I find it really hard to realise I deserve more than this because if both of them do it, then maybe that's all I'm going to get from life. Wow I feel sorry for myself today. A couple of weeks ago I was doing so much better but I'm back to treading water again.
And yes counselling is so expensive. I'm running out of money for it :(

"your life and the kids life has nothing to do with ME" (sorry)

Brilliant x post above Madame O. So well put. Thanks x

Hey omg, do try the Beverly Engel book because it looks at WHY you end up with these characters. It's not a great mystery, it's what they call 'chemistry', but I would call it 'bad chemistry'. You have both witnessed or experienced some kind of abuse, whether major or minor, through your growing up, and what happens is that men tend to emulate/copy that behaviour, where women identify with the victim and take on their behaviour.

I wonder if there's such a thing as 'technological abuse' (where men use the IT in the household as a way to control women).

Barbiegrows - what's the name of it - I'll go do a Amazon order :) Silly question probably but can that behaviour be "cured"? Am i always going to attract people who want to treat me like this? Doubt it applies to DH tho because his childhood was normal, mine and OMs was definately not.

omg, lovey, some how on some level you possibly saw EXOM as a rescuer, even if you didn't admit it to yourself.

Giving up on him, means somehow you give up on a life line.

You know that's not true now, you know you don't need either man, you know you are going to be OK, so please just take a deep breath, let go of the others and grab a hold of yourself.

dropping in. haven't read all but what I have read sounds horribly familiar. Finally plucked up the courage a month or two ago to say i wanted to leave (24 year marriage). DH hysterical, sobbing, don't leave me, I'll change etc.
And he did - for a while.
this weekend wanted sex and didn't get any, sulked all weekend,sarky comments and cricisisms, spent the last of our money on beer and spent hours and hours on the computer playing bloody football or being on Facebbok.Has hardly spoken to me.
today send a jokey text - haha. Everything is alright now is it?
I am increasingly detached - often just reply "whatever" now when he tries to pick a fight or just agree with him,even when we both know he's wrong.
Just wish he would leave me alone. Can't afford to leave as have no money and nowhere to go.
Just glad to hear I am not alone

Barbie there is such a thing as "tech abuse" it just hasn't been written about yet - so well done for getting it out there!
Twatspeak - FANTASTIC. This is a sure sign that you are getting there and detaching. It's also an awesome sign of your own emerging and strengthening sense of self.
OMG Where Barbie is, is the bit that is yet to come for you. I'm sorry that you feel you've gone backwards, but that's quite normal. It's not a linear thing, IYSWIM?
Its no good having all this fighting talk chucked at you when you have so much to deal with. Just know we are here and try to grab a breathing space when you can

dementedma, welcome, sorry for you that you're here but hopefully it will provide you with some comfort and support. There are some great ladies on here who post really wise words so you're in good hands.

the day one is forced to 'write off' a girl in her mid-20s is a saddun.

HerHissyness - think you are right. But not on a physical level, that was never going to happen. But emotionally, he made me feel good and happy and valued and I could deal with DHs day to day crap because I felt like I was worthwhile. But then he started detatching from me then playing mind games and I feel far far worse than I ever did.
I know I don't need either of them, but knowing it and actually getting off my butt and doing something about it seem to be 2 different things atm.

OMG You don't get "cured" as much as start to change the way you see things over time. Much as you realise that you've had a peaceful day or hour, and are feeling ok about something that would normally bug you, you'll start to realise that you feel different, more detached.
You stop acting in the programmed way, where you might put everyone else first, and start believing in your own responses and feelings.
It's a slow process, with the odd, lovely, lightbulb moment.

Herhissy makes a good point about giving up on a lifeline IMO.

dementedma welcome to the thread. You are in a good place re the detachment, it's an important step. Hope you find some support here.

OMG- you're not the only one who keeps going for abusive men, my exom was emotionally abusive, even threatened to kill himself if I left him, (wish I'd told him to do it) My childhood and exom were far from normal but H had very normal upbringing. I've resolved to stay away from relationships for a very long time, to learn to be on my own first but it's very hard and I also keep thinking that the problem is me and that H should be allowed back. I don't want to grow old alone and end up as a mad lonely old lady smelling of cats.