Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

Hurryup - well what a nasty piece of work he is. I hope your boss responds ASAP and makes you feel better. Karma needs to come and get him very soon! You just have to try and rise above it, easy for me to say I know. And your H isn't all you are worth but I know how you feel.
Nope definately won't leave. I asked him to months ago just for a week or 2. He refused to leave "his" house. Not his wife or his DC but his house. He told me if anyone was going it would be me. He then told DC that daddy might have to leave one day because mummy was cross with him and he would really miss them (think I've posted about that before). Total a-hole thing to do IMO. So every time the atmosphere gets bad my DC get upset and ask me not to make daddy go away.
So I slap on the smile and suck up all the crap I have to deal with and hope that one day life will get better.
I did tell DH I was serious about leaving, he got a bit worried last weekend but obviously he's forgotten that now!

OK, get advice, find out your financial options and try to get out yourself. Put a caution on the deeds of the house and get some advice from Refuge/Womens' Aid.

he's not staying out of loyalty, he's just staying to make your lives miserable. If you were begging him to stay, he'd be threatening to leave.... this is bollocks.

Get some legal advice and don't stop until you have removed him from your environment, one way or another how big is your patio?

Omg - thanks, I had that line about it being his house and if anyone was going it was me. Just makes you feel even worse doesn't it? In the end, it took him hitting me with a broom in front of the dc on mothers day to make him go.
Herhissy - the trouble is i've realised that I care what others think of me far too much. It's as if without people having a good opinion of me and liking me I have and am nothing. I don't know how to change that.

Morning ladies
Loads of great advice on here this morning.
OMG sorry to hear you are having such a rough time of it. Your H...well it's all been said. I can send you and your DC's some earplugs which you can very pointedly put in when he starts shouting!

Bitchyhen Fantastic! So good to hear about your non-devastation! Gives the rest of us much needed hope!
hurryup I'm glad you can note lack of shouting as a plus to your X not being around any more. Can understand you not wanting to take time off but sounds like you really need a break, even if its just time to fall apart and cry for a bit. Sometimes that needs to be done, to get some of the frustration out so you can breathe again.
Ribbons that's classic cycle stuff, as I'm sure you know!

Hurryup - with a broom! That's awful. I just got verbal abuse on Mothers day, got called a f'ing uncaring bitch - well yelled rather, was particularly charming as we were in hospital waiting room at the time with DCs sitting and listening. Wonder what I can do for him in return on Fathers day???
Thanks all for the kind words.

It's as if without people having a good opinion of me and liking me I have and am nothing. I don't know how to change that.

hurryup: realising that this is one of your characteristics will help you manage that feeling and change it towards healthier self-respect. Give it time.

I've emailed my boss and said that I will give it a few months but if things haven't improved I will resign

If you don't want to take leave, please use your 3-day weekend to try and detach your emotions from your work situation. You are under tremendous emotional shock, which we here all understand, but it's not going to be as understandable to your boss for you to bring those feelings into work (and therefore ultimately not good for you either).

Herhissyness I have quite a big patio actually. Hmmmmm interesting thought :)

Maybe you're right MO, I only work part time and twat is full time so I feel if I'm not in as much as possible he'll turn everyone against me.

Hurryup if they choose to listen to him there's nothing you can do about it. His true colours will out in the end. What a pathetic little man he is, really not worthy of headspace.

Although that's not trying to belittle it, but you are worth so so so much more. Your H made you believe you're not but he is wrong.

hurryup - my x literally embarrassed me, let me down,humiliated me in front of everyone I ever met over a 3 year period.

Once you have been through that, and anyone in their own vanilla lives looks down at you or judges you, fuck em. really. no-one has any right to judge you. You have done a pretty bloody good job of getting yourself this far, you have DC, a home, a life, it may be in crisis, but you are not dead yet!

What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger eh? well bring it on! Sod anyone who doesn't carry your banner, fly your flag, wear your t-shirt!

If you allow these people to get to you, your H/X has won! It only matters what your kids think of you, what you think of you, everyone else can think what they like.

Most of them would not be able to shoulder all the woes and strain you have done for as long as you have, most would crumble. You are still here!

You're right Hissy, some at least of the neighbours will notice it's all one person doing the shouting and would feel very sorry for her. But the H is betting that OMG won't feel supported, indeed will feel guilty at them being disturbed even though she is not the one doing the disturbing.

My DCs didn't want me to throw their dad out either. But we can't go through life doing everything our children want. Otherwise they'd have ice cream for breakfast and never go to school, wouldn't they? Sometimes adults have to make hard decisions. Such as taking them for inoculations. And chucking out their abusive fathers.

I say bluff it. we all know that these bullies care DEEPLY about the external persona, no matter what they say.....

I'd reverse mind-fuck him.

I would do with X, except everyone I know really DOES hate him and think he's a cu*t...

We are responsible for our own lives, our own happiness and the safety and well-being of our children. This H is making life unbearable and is causing real palpable harm to all that live with him. HE is the one that is making the removal necessary. Broken record, shrug your shoulders and repeat over and over, that it's the last thing you wanted, but really there is no other option.

"Wonder what I can do for him in return on Fathers day???"
FORGET IT, totally. [oops!]

Hello Everyone, sorry I didn't reply sooner, this week has been one from hell. I never got round to the solicitor's appointment as he kicked off big style, my dd has SN's (speach&behaviour) & as a result I had no choice but to return home. I told him to leave his key and to leave the house, he didn't and i had to call the police when he kicked my door in!! He even tried to sweettalk the WPC-funny how she fell for it & the MPC didn't & had v.strong words with him, he seems to have calmed down...for now!

I just do feel bad about the neighbours, they're an elderly couple one side and couple with 2 young kids the other. I know DH has woken their kids up before with the shouting because I heard them discussing it in their garden. I was mortified :( DH keeps inviting them round for lunch and they keep making excuses and I know that's because they think we are a horrible shouty family.

Misspixietrix congratulations on taking the step of calling the police.

As bullies are always cowards it will probably make him think twice about doing anything so threatening again.

omg: when he is out at work, invite them for a tea, and tell them you are sorry about the shouting. cry if you have to. you can get them on your side for real.

I wouldn't accept an invitation from someone like that! neither would you!!

What does your gut say?

Why would it be OK for you to live in pain, suffer and deny yourself happiness, just because it upsets him?

When did YOUR life get downgraded to only allowed to be happy if H says so, and as long as it doesn't impinge on H?

You need to understand that you have a right to be happy, to laugh, to relax and to love your life. If there is someone made miserable by you being happy???? Time to do something about it. Really.

You are enabling at the moment. One day, you will find something you are not prepared to compromise on, you will hope he will back down, he won't, you will push your case, he will push back, and you will see how your happiness is NOT on his agenda. Perhaps you will get lucky, in that you save time by him doing something totally out of order that shows you that he is prepared to saboutage your happiness. Then it gets easier, you get indignant, you stand up for yourself, you say NO. His adverse reaction to his will show you everything you need and more.

Think of this creature as a toddler if it helps, you give in, all the time? what do you get? a child that is totally out of control.

sometimes you have to check things, modify things for their own good. I found standing up for myself was illuminating, I thought he'd realise I had a point and just accept it if I was matter of fact enough about it.

He fought my independence, he fought it and sabotaged my happiness in any way he could. When I had given him enough chances to be the better person and each time he failed catastrophically, I gave up, stuck to my guns anyway.

I could see that toeing HIS line was the way to an existence, no life at all, no sunshine, only darkness and misery. I tried to get him to join our happy life, he refused. So I suited myself. He fought it every step of the way. He was unhappy whenever I was happy, and worse when his own DS was happy. That kind of sealed it for me.

That, and telling my BFF's H that I was in a mental institute.... for 5 years....

I used to still love my DH. Over the last 5 years it has become ... Indifference I suppose. Sometimes he'll say something and a little piece inside me will think oh yes I remember I'm supposed to love him aren't I and I'll feel warmly towards him. Usually he then behaves like a twat and those feelings go :D
Am I the only one who dreads weekends? I put on my FB status a few weeks ago hooray it's Monday - most of my friends didn't get it, they were all full of how lovely their weekends are. Don't get me wrong I love spending time with my DC but it's all so much hassle. We all have to be up and dressed by 8am or DH starts shouting and having a go about us being lazy. I'd love a morning slobbing round in pjs :) It's all little stuff like that. And I haven't done the housework this week so that will culminate in a row.

oh love, dreading the weekends... I get you there!

Go on strike omg, tell him you are having a lie in this weekend and will not be up until 9am. If that irks him, he can get the DC up and get breakfast and you will come down at 9am.

Start some defiance measures!