Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

Humpty, thanks for your kind words but we don't even live together! (We did tho, and I would never do it again!) So I dont know why I am being such a wuss. Maybe its easier to just sweep it under the carpet when he isn't here.
Actually I do have an idea. If I was to call it a day he would do all the "When can I see my daughter" shite and then be as difficult as possible. I know because he was like that before.
Aaaaargh.

madameovary thank christ for that, at least you not got to move out... dunno what to do then?

Have a read at the bottom of this article for tips about leaving...

www.drjoecarver.com/clients/49355/File/IdentifyingLosers.html

Might be useful tactic to try and seem so dull that he loses interest and buggers off, got to be worth a try I think

Funnily enough I just read that recently and was thinking about it!

sucked back in.

Hi thisis - has anyone ever said (I assume they have because you have obviously seen it all and done it all), but has anyone ever told you to let him go - tell yourself that he'll be OK? I just pick up that your massive empathy is worrying about him too much about him and it's just what he wants. I have a friend like that - she seems to think her OH will fall apart without her there (and he keeps saying he will) but in fact, we all know he won't. Nobody ever really does. It seems that the women that stay in these relationships (including me) are the ones that are falling apart.

Oh no....he is way happier being the recluse that he has always been. I am merely the teddy bear, I know that now. He has no idea who I am. And where I come from is the reason why.

My counsellor asked if he had ever been referred to a psychiatrist.....

I am not a psychiatrist am I?

Breakfree - what are you saying love? come one, can we help?

breakfree like I said above, it doenst' matter if you got dragged back round the cycle. We have all done it. Just put it behind you and keep moving forwards.
And stay safe

Hi thisis
Out of interest - what's the Patricia Evans stuff about pretending to be other people?
Also, are you not from UK and do you have family here?
I often see couples from different countries together (eg my parents) and they really don't 'get' each other due to different cultural norms that affect them on a deeper level.

Breakfree - we are here for you no matter where you are, metaphorically or whatever.

Come back and talk us through what's happening, if you need your resolve strengthening, we can help you do that, whatever it is love, you know we have all been there and you can speak the truth with us and we'll have all said the same stuff before. and some will do so again.

((((HUGS))))

Don't feel you've done something naughty by engaging with the mind games, or whatever you've done! It isn't your fault. Everyone here knows how difficult it is because we've been there and made the mistakes (still making them at times, though some of us have less opportunity). Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but at least when we're further down the line we can share it. As you, in fact, are already sharing your wisdom with others; but it's not so easy when it's your own situation.

"When you are up to your arse in alligators, it's easy to forget that your primary objective was to drain the swamp."

this explains the Teddy concept quite well

Can I join please? I've made a mess of everything really. I left my husbdand 3 months ago after years of emotional and sometimes physical abuse. Then my DS2 started on me but far worse, every few days he hits, kicks and throws things at me. The verbal abuse is constant unless he's at school. My H has been coming round when Ds2 is being violent to pull him off me so now thinks that he is important again and getting control back, I've started counselling which has made things so much worse. Ds2 has appointment at CAMHS next week but although I've friends only 2 know about Ds2 and H as I'm so ashamed and feel so isolated. I left ds to improve our lifes, but 3 months down the line things are worse than ever.

hurryup Don't be so hard on yourself, you have done the hardest bit which was leaving.

somebody told me that once you get out of the abusive situation the kids actualy get worse because they are getting all their feelings which they have hidden for so long, out of thier system

Stay strong, things will get better

hurryup so sorry, it's true I think, yes that things have to get worse, the dc's have to let pent up emotions out. Very hard for you though

thisishowIfeel I'm sorry for you too. What are you thinking about now re the future?

breakfree talk to us, we've all been there, some of us still are.

Sorry not very productive replies. I'm beyond tired. 5th night in a row with alomst no sleep. DD3 (5) is having night terrors I suspect due to feeling insecure and frightened. The knock on effects of all this crap are awful.

Thanks for your support, inside I know I've done the right thing but it doesn't feel like it, right now it feels as if the crap marriage was all I was worth and I should have been grateful. H is still so involved in our lifes and that is unlikely to change, so I'm faced with a far worse life at the moment and a H who is acting like the best thing since sliced bread.

My very very recent ex also acts like he's the best thing since sliced bread. He is so up himself it's laughable. He thought I would crumble when he left at the week-end.

I didn't crumble. I brought some bedding plants and put them in the front lawn then mowed the lawn, threw out the old front door mat and brought a pretty new one which says "Home Sweet Home". I also made sure that he saw the beautifully layed table and cottage pie i'd cooked for me and the kids when he returned them from his access visit.

I honestly think he thought I'd be sat here crying.

bigbuttons ((((HUGS)))) to you and the little one... can you change the bedroom round? go round with monster/bad dream spray?

Hurryup, sad though it is to have another sad story of a fellow mother suffering, it's great that that you found us, you are not alone in all this now, we can do our best to help, even if it is virtual handholding.

hissy that's a great idea re the monster/bad dream spray, thanks. I shall try that tonight. She has no recollection of the screaming episodes come morning. But needless to say she is exhausted and bad tempered too( like me LOL)

my exH is a fucking useless wanker

That is all I want to say,feels better to have said it

madameovary that link to the teddy thing is v good... I like that a lot! The more you think about it, the more you realise how true it is.. and the comparison to a small child with a teddy is v appropriate too, except maybe it's insulting to small children who are actually more emtotionally aware and considerate than most of these bastards

Now is this typical man behaviour or twat man behaviour? This morning dd1 had her first piano exam, she was as nervous as hell ( so was I) stbex took all the others to school/preschool and I took dd1 to her exam. Stbex came downstairs with no time to spare as usual, everything left to the very last second, he didn't wish dd1 good luck at all. I felt so angry.

err. twat man

I will alter my previous statement

my exH and Bigbuttons stbx are both fucking wankers

Oh I have just been SUCH a biatch.
He came round and I was prepared to bite my lip until he FELL ASLEEP on the fucking sofa, feet up and everything.

So I went to wash my hair in order to compose myself, I was so pissed off. I didn't care if DD jumped on him and woke him up tbh. Why cant he nap at his own house??? Anyway I've been thinking that we should have a more organised timetable for family time ie set days, and also he should have a day with DD on his own.
Didn't say anything. So I asked what he thought. He said
"You mean you just want a day on your own"

"I give up" I said.
All this was very low key as I was playing with DD at the time, but in essence he says he doesn't have enough time to do all those things, do I not think what he does is work etc etc.

So no, he didn't want to have DD for a day. And when I said that I had her all the time he said "It was your decision to have a baby"
Yep. he really said that.
None of this is new, but really I've had enough of letting it go unchallenged. I said if I were the parent who didn't live with her, it would be bloody odd if I'd never spent a whole day with her.

He likes to bring up the time he didn't see DD for three months (er that's because you'd gone off with OW luv) and said "Shall I just take Ellis for three months then"
I said "Three months? You'd be back in a day"

He walked out after that. Which I was not unhappy about.
I am not usually given to saying stuff like that, but I am getting to the staage where I don't care tbh.