Support for those in Emotionally Abusive Relationships

[ViVee]

I thought it would be a good idea to start a thread, a place to vent, offer support, advice.

I'm in an emotionally abusive relationship but I'm trying to find the tools to fight back - I've recently started counselling & the Lundy Bancroft book (Why Does He Do That? Inside The Minds of Angry and Controlling Men) (recommended by mumsnetters) has become my bible.

Anyone else feel the same?

Experience of SS has been extremely hands-off. They can't afford to spend time on people that cope. They have only contacted me once because the school 'had to' report something dd said. It was a formality and they seemed more than happy to leave and get on with the millions of other serious cases the poor buggers have to deal with.

they can be good think about it.it is not u..good luck.been there.its not u..

Barbie, he hasn't changed, I don't believe he can, but I don't live with it any more. The divorce came through in March 2008 and we moved into separate houses four months later. We shared residence of DS4 for a year or so, then the lad moved in with me full time, so even those issues aren't a bother any more. He is occasionally in touch with the boys and takes them out places, and does more than his fair share of shuttling DS3 to and from uni, for which I am glad, lazy sod that I am.

Dunno about PR. Think selfishly here, on behalf of DD as well as yourself. How would it benefit you both if he did have it, other than the court looking favourably upon your reasonableness? Your friend's experience is helpful up to a point but her circumstances may be different.

PR - my view is that the less I say about it the better. He's never actually taken responsibility in any other way than earning money, I think he'll just use it as a power bargaining tool.

Annie - good to hear your update. I guess it won't be easy as it hasn't been for you. But it will have to happen, and it will be worth a couple of years of disruption/hassle for me in order to protect the kids from his self-centred narcissistic poison. I've got friends. Not surprisingly he has none.

barbie our lives are very similar. I don't ask him to do anything anymore.
Now that I am settled with the AD's I am much calmer, even though they keep me awake at night at the moment and I am tired, it's not that sort of brain fog tired I've lived with for years. I would put up with insomnia and nausea at night never to have that again.
Consequently that Dc's are much happier
Three of my 6 were born before 2003 and number 4 was born in 2003. When in 2003 did the pr come into effect?
My gut feeling is that I don't want him to have PR for any of them. How can he when he doesn't know anything about their lives, he can't cook wash clothes, do anything. He knows nothing about their school work, tests, anything? I would rather it went to another relative. I don't want an abusive man to have PR.

You are quite right of course , he mismanages the kids because he has no empathy, he can't read situations or people. He tries and jokes with them when they are already in a mood and what they want is too be listened to and he will then get angry that they are angry with him. He winds them up and makes it their fault when they react by doing the " Oh I see it's bad day again is it?" routine, feeling sorry for himself.
I actually feel like writing my diary again I have kept one all my life but 4 years ago after the birth of dc6 I stopped and I realise my depression had made it too painful for me to write. Now I am keen to do it again.

Hmm when I first met stbex he had loads of friends, he was out nearly every night. Now he's hardly got any. Why? I don't know, has he changed? I mean if he was such a wanker all those years ago he wouldn't have been so sought after socially would he?
Though when we used to go out I found him to be very aggressive and argumentative with his friends and was always amazed that they still wanted to see him

Do you know sometimes I still wonder if it's me. Even though I know it's not. There's a part of me that can't believe any human being would deliberately hurt another in the way these men have. It doesn't seem logical. Does anyone else feel that way?

bigbuttons - it was first January 2003 for the PR deadline. As I said the less said the better probably. However I don't know if you have to tell them if you give someone else PR - perhaps not - in which case I am tempted to do that.

Yes, your dp sounds very very similar to mine. His 'friends' may have been drunk, men have different relationships anyway - much less offended by each others' behaviour I think, so his abuse wouldn't be an issue. Then you substituted his friends, he found another outlet for his slightly strange social needs. I think in my case OH's abuse has developed directly as a result of being in a domestic situation that reminds him of his original family setup. I even notice that when he's spent a lot of time with his brother he is irrationally aggressive towards me. His whole family don't like me - they don't like him either, however much he tries to pander to them. I now realise that his family's abusive nature (he is the one with the least favoured father so they pick on him) has put him in the position of abuser. It's not an excuse, it's a reason.

So when he sets up a new family it all comes back to him - it's the way to cope, the way to behave, it has to be that way. And it's sad for him as much as it's sad for us. We can see that because we're victims and we empathise, generally with others and also with the abused side of our parnter. We want to take care of him and that's why they seek us as partners - we were victims originally too, but because we are women we don't copy the abuser in our lives, we copy the victim's behaviour. Men tend to copy the abuser.

I find that one of the saddest things is that the people you expect to support you in this are the abused ones - yet they won't support you because they don't want to recognise their own situation so they say things like 'oh just ignore' 'rise above it' 'it's just silly' 'think about the children'. And not only do you lose your partner, you may lose some of your friends and family because you have surrounded yourself with people that accept his behaviour as normal.

Of course barbie it was about being drunk in pubs. Alway alcohol involved. It makes sense now. I know that he still fantasises about being able to go out and get pissed again in pubs once the kids are older, like the old days.
Why? I don't understand. In my youth I drank far too much. I probably still do, but I don't get drunk any more, just a couple of beers or a couple of small glasses of wine and that's my limit. It's more the frequency than the amount.
Why he would want to go and get off his face is beyond me, what's the fun in that?

I find is astonishing that people clearly don't believe me when I tell them some of the things he does. And they still ask if there's no hope for us??????

Peep Toes - of course you can leave. Your oldest is 5 - just started school. Once they are older they get attached to the local area, to friends, family etc. I could kick myself that I have waited and now my kids are settled it will be a big upheaval for all the family, whereas before it was just me to worry about really as under-fives settle easily. I know when kids are younger you feel more vulnerable, more tired etc, but at least you haven't got things to tie you down.

Your OH sounds as though he could lose everything if he doesn't have you around, this will explain why he will do anything to keep you with him so I would expect the worst. Don't beat yourself up about going back to him, it happens a lot. Try the Beverly Engel books - they support victims to analyse how their behaviour has changed to adapt to the abuse/control. Once you recognise that it helps so you don't make the same mistakes in new relationships.

I moved my kids when they werew both in school, dd was in year 1 and ds1 was in reception class. I didn't want to move them, so I promised myself that I would only do it once. One move I think it ok for them to deal with, especially at that age because they make friends so quickly, would be a lot tougher on teenagers to start again in a new area

Tramping in with large feet to give you all an update....

Last had contact from X on 9th May. DS said he missed him over the weekend, ran out of time to call when X probably wouldn't be having his little naps, and thought about calling on DS behalf today. Got a text from him wanting to talk to me.

So I rang, put DS on the phone, they talked for a while (on speaker, so I hear what shit head asks/says) DS is 5, not great overly communicative and all that, X has no subjects at all. DS tells him about a party, X doesn't even have a reply, not even an oh really, was it good, were there lots of people, did you eat cake, play games, win prizes NOTHING!

X asks DS if he can speak to me DS says She'd rather not talk to you. then tells him about the tonsillitis etc, she's been very sick etc, and i hear again and again, can I talk to mummy.
So I get on the phone and tell him straight, I have tonsils the size of sheep, I'm better than I was, but it hurts to talk, have stopped the fever, vomiting blood etc, but am still in pain so I'd rather not.

Oh poor you poor thing....

Forgotten the time only last Halloween, you stepped over me vomiting into a bucket, so you could get to go to bed for a nap and leaving me to have to look after DS with a bucket to hand then eh?

he starts trying to tell me the reason for my miscarriages, it was down to love making etc (vom) i interrupt, say it's irrelevant now, doesn't matter and not going to happen. I'm delighted with what I have.

He asks Oh, don't you want another one?

Erm, and how is that going to happen? I'm 43, probably can't have any more, and would prefer not to mix up things with my DS, implying a 2x2 situation, not really ideal for me and not at all bloody likely.

Oh do you think we have a future? he asks? all plaintive and with his nice voice...

Even DS said his voice was that voice he uses to be nice. a 5yo saw through it!

So he's rung up here, cos we've not bothered to call his sorry hide in over a month, and neither has he made any effort to contact us either! to try and make himself feel better. NOT going to happen!

he started to try to go down a sex route, a nicey understanding route and I cut him off, and said sorry, I have a very sore throat and a deadline, people are waiting for things, I can't talk now and hung up

Flicking silent Vs at the phone.

You see dear readers, March I got rid of that shit off my shoe, the bugger STILL comes to try and reel me in, get me to feed his ego!

hissy glad you didn't get drawn into a "discussion".

What is up with these wankers? 6 months down the line my xH is still going on about getting back together... seriously which part of Fuck and off do you not understand??????????

Hope you#re feeling better soon anyway x

Oh am right as rain love, only a small lamb at the back of my throat now...

No, not going to talk to him, why would I? I've tried to make him listen for years, he only wants to hear it when it's stroking his ego. I can't be bothered at all!

Oh mine wants me to move from here, to Reading, about 40 mins away. I hate Reading. Sorry anyone but I do. Vile place.

I wouldn't share a fecking umbrella with that clown let alone a roof! I told him (if he comes back to the UK) he can live wherever he likes. He hates here, cos I have my bearings. Reading I have been to 3 times, and am totally lost there.

Like I'm THAT stupid to allow him to do that to me again? FUCK OFFFFFF!

ha ha ha

Know what you mean about reading, sadly I am only 20 mins from there!

He must think you are really stupid to fall for that... yeah yeah take me back and I'll make you move away from your friends etc to new town so it will be just you and me and ds and I'll be an arsehole most of the time apart from when I allow you to stroke my ego.

What-fucking-ever mate!!!

SHIT Humpty... you mustn't be that far from me then! I'm North Hampshire. Nearest town to us is Basingstoke...

We are oxfordshire way!!

Hi everyone was pointed to this thread by a lovely member i've just left an EA relationship and i'm finding it difficult. I know i've done the right thing for my children and myself but even though i'm no longer with him he's making me feel bad. He tried to take dd out of school yesterday and i've been on tenterhooks all day everytime i've heard sirens in case it's him trying again. I have an appointment with a solicitor tomorrow so can hopefully sort out some supervised access for the dc's.

misspixie welcome

Hi misspixie that sounds rough sorry you are going through this. I ended things with H just over a month ago , so I know how hard it is in the early stages. I'm glad you are seeing a solicitor, knowing where you stand will make you feel more empowered. What kind of support do you have?/what else do you plan to do? xxx

I haven't read the whole thread yet, I am too raw. I asked him to leave for the second time yesterday. First time was last February. This time was much more dignified, at least on my part.

This afternoon he is jere to see dd, and actually said......"I'm older than you" as you would expect a five year old to say. Then demanded that I stop treating him like a five year old. Thankfully I am detached enough to burst out laughing.

Detached or not, I am hurting like fucking hell right now. He has been wonderful for nine months and once again, like they do, suddenly flipped. He has a friend who is days away from dying, which is probably the trigger.

Trigger or no, I have had a barrage of verbal abuse, which I have foolishly tried to counter, every evening for two weeks, hence asking him to leave.

You all know the script, he's textbook, terrible mother, mad, a bully, blar fucking blar, as usual, all his shit projected on to me.

I have reminded myself of the Patricia Evans stuff. The amount of "pretending to be other people" is more than I had ever really noticed before. The school staff, the gas man mending the radiator, the kids :( and most of all, of course MOI! Yippee....not. :(

And of course his therapist agrees with everything he says, this is supposed to be an expert in abuse. :( Although his capacity for lying at times like these is immense.

I feel fucking, fucking terrible. :(

Sorry that makes no sense. Separated Feb 10. He starts therapy in May, moved back in in October. He SEEMED to have really made some kind of breakthrough.

Two weeks ago, he flipped back into abusive mode.

This is the third time in ten years. First time we lived through it, and he seemed to improve on his own. I didn't know what it was then

thisis welcome to the thread

Have you read the lundy bancroft book?

Also what real life support do you have? Have you got a domestic abuse support worker? If not contact your local domestic abuse service to get one, it will help massively to have real life support.

Sorry, can't say more than that, I have a headache 10 miles high, think I need to shut my eyes for 5 mins!!!

I have read Lundy Bancroft, Patricia Evans, Beverley Engel, all the websites, done the freedom programme, posted on here...the works.

I am in the middle of nowhere, there are no support workers.

I can predict what will happen. Once I have fully disengaged with him again, he will withdraw his projections onto me, and become normal again. Trouble is, I have had too much therapy, I am very well informed, and I know that he is mentally ill, and I mean big time. His family make the guests on Jeremy Kyle look normal. So I know that this "flip" WILL happen again at some point.

My problem is, far from NPD, I have tons oand tones of compassion, empathy and sympathy, as well as love for him. But there really is nothing I can do. So I feel like my guts are about to explode from within me. I am sooooo sad. I really hoped we could be the exception to the rule, but he is too poorly

Hope your headache lifts really soon Humpty. x

thisis - you are not a million miles from me in terms of circumstance and experience. I was feeling very strong and "kickass" but realised that really, I was as attached to him as ever.
Although I have come a long way in terms of not engaging, spotting how ridiculous and childish his behaviour is, standing my ground, reading Lundy etc and getting support, I need to deal with what is stopping me from making the final break. Maybe I can't do that and just need to take the action anyway.

I am SO grateful for the OP and for everyone who continues to post on this thread.

thanks thisis just trying to get thru the next few hours till bedtime, think a trip to the chip shop is in order in a minute!!!

madameovary don't be so hard on yourself. You have seen your situation for what it actually is and now you are working towards leaving. I think if you asked most people they would say that there was a defining moment when they decided to leave. It might be something small or it might be something huge... Until you reach that moment you won't be ready to go. In the mean time, you can focus on gettting ready to leave... Have you sorted out yourself financially? Have you got a separate bank account just for you? If not, get one now, H doens't need to know about it. What about getting your stuff in order ready to split? I spent several weeks "spring cleaning", actually I was sorting stuff out before I went, decluttering etc.
Have you thought about where you would go etc and how you will live? Spend time getting the information you need to start again.

All this is good preparation while you wait for the right time. I'm sure I saw somewhere that the average woman leaves 7 times before they do it for good. A bit of planning is what you need.

thisis wrt support worker, there must at least be a phone number for a local domestic abuse worker? I was living in rural argyll in a tiny place but we still had a worker who was reasonably local and always someone on the end of the phone to chat to... Worth looking into

Off to chip shop x